Contemplating Divorce

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Ruby:

Breathe! Do it Again! Now once more! Keep going...

The problems between you and Sean are more than 1 incident, there was some other issues. Having a conversation via SMS is not a conversation. He may not return and I wouldn't be surprised. Something else was going on before the incident. There were other issues. Only you or Sean know what those issues are. From what you have posted, I would surmise that Sean hasn't told you about it.

Your statement of extending his stay in Canada as a way of repaying him, is rather confusing. You owe him something? Why do you feel guilty?

The non-communicative behavior is his way of dealing with the incident or the pre-cursor incidents.

MsKat had a good point you are saying one thing, and he is hearing something different.

Take a watch of this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM

The lecturer really does a good job of explaining the communication difficulties that you are experiencing right now.

Best of luck to you.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

It sounds like co-dependency to me and he can't cope with it anymore. So he took a break forcing you to face being alone and independent again. This gives him a break and allows you to find your own solution and judge where you are at since it's apparent to him he can't fix what is psychologically going on with you. You were alone before marriage I assume? I see you are very aware of where you stand internally and that the situation stems from the personal trauma. When a person enters our home that's a violation of privacy and security and when they attempt to attack us that's attacking our personal power. I can see how that is very unsettling and how you wouldn't feel safe again. I am sorry this happened to you but you are strong enough to over come it. Many people have done it before you. There are people qualified to support and aid you out there at outreach facilities such as your local Women's Center. You're on the right track with looking up a counselor but it's really up to you to pick up the thousand pound telephone and do what you have needed to do for yourself since Feb. Once you start doing for yourself your Husband can be back to his position of where he supports you. It will probably be good for him to see his other half getting better again too. All around it would be healthy for the relationship if you take the step to reclaiming your independence yourself and not keep putting this on him to carry so much because truthfully he can't do it for you. No one can. Only friends and family can help so much too and then pretty soon you've blown out your welcome. Counselors are good because you can pay them to listen but even they can only help you so far. Hubby's made it clear he can't do it for you and it's time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and buck up and stop the pity party and move on. At least that's my interpretation of when he said quit milking the situation. I'd hope he'd have a better assessment of you than anyone. Life moves on and I think this is the only way he knows how to help you at this point and in his own way it is supporting you for the better. See the positive side. Take everything in strides. This is just a bump in the road but if you don't help yourself and support yourself the symptoms may get worse and it will show in the deterioration of the marriage.

Flower I really don't think that her husband is trying to force her to be independent again, If that is what he did by leaving, it would be heartless and based on what she said there was no indication of that. We have to be careful how we interpret things and give counsel because that can take her to another level of believing he is just being spiteful and I don't believe that is it. What you are suggesting feels like encouraging someone with a broken leg to get up and walk. He (the broken-foot man in the scenario)has to go through therapy and heal and that is what CaptainRubyHeart has to do and I tell you it isn't easy. Is there anything that you are afraid of? If there is, can you just adjust like that? Get over it and stop the pity party is not the solution. Its like telling a mad man to stop acting crazy and be sane. There are steps that she needs to take but she needs the support in a loving way. The best thing to do is to understand where they are both coming from and respond in a manner that will allow her to see what will work. We cannot address him because he is not the one asking for advice. She made a great suggestion on her own that she has resorted to get counseling and that tells us that she is really not ready to give up on her marriage but is rather feeling alone abandoned and hurt.

I can sense that you are not trying to put her down but just telling it like it is and you have some good advice in there too but we have to try to protect all the other organs so to speak, as we try to repair the damage done to her mind.

You're somewhat right. My interpretation is still that he is saying to her pull up your big girl panties because I need you to be an adult. Her recent response of the blow by blow even validates that. I still see a heavy co-dependency going on with her. If she can learn to let him go and realize it's not all about her in this relationship she'll give him breathing room to grow and grow herself. RubyHeart he's probably got you on his mind but not in the capacity that you're thinking. This time he's taking right now is about him mostly and recharging his batteries. Good for him for taking care of himself and as you should be too. And good for you for joining that support group! Don't dwell too heavily in that this is screwing everything up as you can get past it and learn from it and it's really about an internal journey for you. That is something for you to keep and you don't have to share it with him at all. I don't agree with the others that you need to share every detail and piece of your life with him in counseling honestly. This is your journey and he is aware of it and will see the effect of your healing if you continune with it. I had 6 months of one sided marriage counseling sometimes it's just ourselves that need the work and not the other. Not that I care to share this but I was also gang raped in my early 20's by some young military guys I knew. You can get past this minor tramua by yourself without involving many others and be a much stronger independent self for it.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

without reading every line time for both to be adult within themselves, if mom is buying the tickets thats the first problem, he prob isnt ready to break away and be (needed) he doesnt know how to handle someone depending on him to be the adult,

[trailmix 77]

Your statement of extending his stay in Canada as a way of repaying him, is rather confusing. You owe him something? Why do you feel guilty?

Maybe she feels a bit guilty because when she originally posted about him going on holiday for 3 weeks she got responses like those below.

As I said yesterday, we don't really know enough about your situation, Ruby, to be giving you any kind of solid advice.

Many people here have given 'suck it up' advice - I would venture to say that this is not helpful in any way at this point. For those of you giving that advice, if you were upset about something and your Husband or Wife decided to take a 3 week vacation without you and demanded that he have the time, without a real conversation about it, I assume your noses would be a bit out of joint too.

Ruby, please take all this advice with a grain of salt. It's good that you found out about PTSD in this thread, if nothing else that is helpful. Glad to hear you are staying with your Mom and that your friend is coming to stay as well. Hang in there.

I think you should be a bit more understanding, just because I know how it feels. I was dying to go back to Canada and see my family again, I went for 2 weeks. I would have gone for 3, but I had things to do back here. My family is so important to me, and your husband gave up his whole life to move to America and be with you.

I have been in the USA since Dec 2004 and pretty much every summer I head back to canada for a few weeks, and see nothing wrong with that.

Send your husband off to Canada with a smile on your face and tell him to have a good time while he's gone

Remember he left Canada and everything and one he's ever known to be with you. Can't you just allow him this time? Or are you afraid he won't return?

[BermyCat 1]

Hi CaptainRubyHeart,

I'm so sorry you and Sean are struggling right now.

It's great that you've been able to accept responsibility for your part of the arguing and your current mental state. The fact that you are taking steps to help yourself shows that you’re a strong woman. I'm confident that with time and hard work, you'll overcome the PTSD.

There's one thing in your second post that I have to strongly disagree with. You do not deserve to be treated badly by your husband. Period. Revenge and retribution have no place in a marriage. Sean needs to take responsibility for his actions too. Sulking for days and not talking to you isn't acceptable behavior.

It sounds like you two need to learn how to communicate effectively, especially when you disagree about something. That's something you both have to work on. In fact, that's something that every couple has to work on every day.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

~ Catherine

[JillA 2]

The only words of advice I have for you pertain to the counselling.

If you want counselling, I would recommend that you get counselling with a minister at a church of whichever religion you belong to. Even if you are not a religious person. They may be able to offer you spiritual conselling and you can talk the situation out until you reach a good point on the matter.

Counsellors based on psychology or psychiatry will only end up with you hooked on dangerous drugs like anti-depressants which will only destroy your mind and your body. So please don't go this route - you are not feeling the way you're feeling because you have a deficiency of drugs in your system. Make sure your "counsellor" is able to deal with your issues, and is not just a pill-pusher. I have seen too many people ruin their lives this way - when all they wanted was help to begin with. Drugs are not the answer to your problem.

Good luck!

Ruby,

I'm so happy you looked into PTSD, because as soon as I read your first post I assumed right away that was why you were suffering so. It's very common and nothing to be ashamed of, stay strong! I hope your support group helps and glad you are having company stay over.

I just wanted to mention, about the bold part above - that is not entirely true, and you can't lump all counsellors/phsyciatrists into that category, that they will get you hooked on "dangerous drugs". Alot of the time you go to the counsellor just to talk, they help you through your problems. It's not fair to assume every counsellor is going to try and give you a prescription, that is not true at all.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

The only words of advice I have for you pertain to the counselling.

If you want counselling, I would recommend that you get counselling with a minister at a church of whichever religion you belong to. Even if you are not a religious person. They may be able to offer you spiritual conselling and you can talk the situation out until you reach a good point on the matter.

Counsellors based on psychology or psychiatry will only end up with you hooked on dangerous drugs like anti-depressants which will only destroy your mind and your body. So please don't go this route - you are not feeling the way you're feeling because you have a deficiency of drugs in your system. Make sure your "counsellor" is able to deal with your issues, and is not just a pill-pusher. I have seen too many people ruin their lives this way - when all they wanted was help to begin with. Drugs are not the answer to your problem.

Good luck!

Ruby,

I'm so happy you looked into PTSD, because as soon as I read your first post I assumed right away that was why you were suffering so. It's very common and nothing to be ashamed of, stay strong! I hope your support group helps and glad you are having company stay over.

I just wanted to mention, about the bold part above - that is not entirely true, and you can't lump all counsellors/phsyciatrists into that category, that they will get you hooked on "dangerous drugs". Alot of the time you go to the counsellor just to talk, they help you through your problems. It's not fair to assume every counsellor is going to try and give you a prescription, that is not true at all.

I second that - a counsoellor who you feel comfortable with is the key, never should anything be pushed on you to try if you're not comfortable. If so, you walk out the door and look for a new one who inspires confidence in your own abilities to deal with it.

Edited May 11, 2009 by Udella&Wiz

[suzukiwookie 1]

The only words of advice I have for you pertain to the counselling.

If you want counselling, I would recommend that you get counselling with a minister at a church of whichever religion you belong to. Even if you are not a religious person. They may be able to offer you spiritual conselling and you can talk the situation out until you reach a good point on the matter.

Counsellors based on psychology or psychiatry will only end up with you hooked on dangerous drugs like anti-depressants which will only destroy your mind and your body. So please don't go this route - you are not feeling the way you're feeling because you have a deficiency of drugs in your system. Make sure your "counsellor" is able to deal with your issues, and is not just a pill-pusher. I have seen too many people ruin their lives this way - when all they wanted was help to begin with. Drugs are not the answer to your problem.

Good luck!

Ruby,

I'm so happy you looked into PTSD, because as soon as I read your first post I assumed right away that was why you were suffering so. It's very common and nothing to be ashamed of, stay strong! I hope your support group helps and glad you are having company stay over.

I just wanted to mention, about the bold part above - that is not entirely true, and you can't lump all counsellors/phsyciatrists into that category, that they will get you hooked on "dangerous drugs". Alot of the time you go to the counsellor just to talk, they help you through your problems. It's not fair to assume every counsellor is going to try and give you a prescription, that is not true at all.

I don't want to hijack this thread and argue with you guys, but i am goign to say that it's VERY VERY common that a counsellor will refer you to a psych or doctor who will put you on drugs. It's easily proven with statistical data. But as I said, I don't want to argue with any of you about it. Just look into it yourself and you will see.

If you can find a counsellor that will be able to listen to you and work things out, then that's great! Good luck!

[July09Bride 1]

Ruby, I'm glad to hear you've found a support group. That is terrific! As for the communication or lack thereof with Sean... sometimes as much as we females WANT to communicate, we OVER-communicate and that drive them even more nuts. If possible, try NOT to call, text, email, etc. for the remainder of his trip. I find, that as much as I think I'm helping by sharing what's happening, it just bothers my guy even more. So, if you HAVE to write to him... write it down on paper, but don't send it. Then, go back the next day and you'll typically see that most (if not all of what you wrote) was female babble. What you write is important to you... perhaps it comes out as female babble to him. He's trying to do what he wants right now, because he can in Canada. Here, he has been limited by the US Gov't. So, if at all possible, allow him the days and time remaining on his trip to be just that... his. Perhaps (here's a random idea) you can create a "coupon book" of sorts. In there, make coupons for a day/night of playing board games (or some other activity)... free trip to your favorite fast food restaurant and his choice of movie rental... come up with whatever... and don't tell him about the book. Just leave it somewhere with a short note - This is for you to use with me whenever you want. He probably won't even mention he found it or has the book. But, if it isn't where you left it, just know he has it. Then... as the last coupon in the book, make one that says 1 free round-trip ticket to Canada for 2 weeks (or for however long) whenever you want. If you choose to create something like this... start with easy/cheap coupons in the front and make the ones in the back more special/more expensive (such as the plane ticket).

I'm truly happy to hear that you are moving forward and hopefully Sean will see that. Remember the phrase you (might have) learned in school... KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). Short notes... not lengthy explanations. When he wants to know, he will ask. That is THE hardest part for me to do with my Canadian man.

Good luck!!!

[kcoyclay1 98]

CaptainRubyHeart:

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea nothing says 'BE STRONG' like cheesy glitter text.

[kcoyclay1 98]

Yea nothing says 'BE STRONG' like cheesy glitter text.

Sprailenes I think it's nothing says "YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS TIME" like support from people who HAVE BEEN THERE AND EXPERIENCED WORST and also saying "let the light in you shine forth girl, I am here for you" and "remember that the journey to the mountain top is never easy, just focus on the destination and even though you might need the support, you will get there "

I think that CRH has taken the right steps and I am encouraging her to take it a day at a time. She needs to be strong as she goes through this or else she will just give up and never get past PTSD

Cheesy glitter text works sometimes doesn't it?

Edited May 13, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[Sprailenes 47]

Friends don't let friends use glitter text.

[Emancipation 2]

Friends don't let friends use glitter text.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Friends don't let friends use glitter text.

WORD.