Contemplating Divorce

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Hello, Canadian VJers.

It is with great sadness that I write this post. I am very seriously contemplating divorce from my husband. Right now, I am trying to figure out my next move and I need a little bit of feedback about a couple of questions.

Most of you know my situation, but I'll reiterate (condensed version). My husband moved down here last June, we got married in August. Things were fine (or so I thought), then my husband exclaims that he's homesick and threatens to leave me. We worked through that. He tells me he wants to go back to Canada for three weeks when he gets his GC, and I protest and ask him if he can make it two weeks instead. He says no and doesn't budge--and actually ends up getting quite upset with me. I can't do anything about it--his mom bought his plane ticket, not me.

I tried to be a good sport about his being gone, but so far have been unable to handle it. I wasn't sure why, but finally realized that I hate being alone and wasn't prepared to be left by myself due to an event that occurred in February in which someone broke into my home and tried to sexually assault me. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since my husband went back to Canada. I average 4 to 5 hours per night. I am miserable and have let Sean know frequently. I know it isn't fair to be angry at Sean for leaving when I asked him not to. I know he's been very homesick lately and that this trip is good for him. I know it's not his fault that I am doing as poorly as I am. This is just too much for me. I hadn't heard from him for three days, so I texted him and asked him to call this morning.

The conversation didn't go well. I broke down and told him that I couldn't handle his being gone--reason being, I was terrified of being by myself due to that break-in/attempted sexual assault. I told him I didn't mean to make his trip back to Canada miserable by telling him this, but I'm not really sure who else to talk to or what to do. He ended up getting very angry at me and told me that he thinks I am trying to "milk" the break-in thing and get him to drop whatever he's doing in Canada and spend more time with me. He said that he doesn't care about the situation and doesn't understand why I'm so freaked out because "nothing happened to you," and that if I'm seeking sympathy from someone, maybe I should go see a therapist. "You're putting the burden on me, and it's too much to handle," he said. I even told him at one point that I was so sad because I felt like he'd just shut down, and talking to him seemed fruitless. "Like talking to a brick wall?" he asked sarcastically, "Like pulling teeth? Let me try to think of some other things you say to me."

Of course, I am devastated by this reaction. I really need my husband and his sympathy right now, but he can't be there for me. I have been tempted so many times to ask him to please come back from Canada early, but I haven't. I don't think he would anyway. He's only there for one more week, which "isn't a big deal," he says. But every day is hell for me...especially trying to sleep.

I'm not really looking for advice on whether or not to go through and divorce him because you can't find that sort of thing on an online forum. I'm 25 years old and Sean and I have only been married for nine months. I have never had to deal with such a difficult relationship obstacle before and am wondering if I might be reacting too quickly by considering divorce. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is, has anyone else had this sort of obstacle and is willing to talk about it?

My second question is, do you have any suggestions for how I could approach my husband to get him to stop being so angry at me and try to be there and show some support? I believe that he is furious with me because he feels like I've pulled him away from his friends and family by his moving down here to get married to me, and now that he's back up visiting friends and family, here I am again supposedly pulling him away again and "guilt-tripping" him. That's not what I'm trying to do at all.

I would ask that one of the moderators please remove any of those little emoticons of people eating popcorn and watching a show, or any disrespectful comments toward my situation. I really am trying to work through this and figure out my next move. I've already called my insurance company and have sought the names of some counsellors to help me work through the break-in thing. I'm in a bad place emotionally right now, and I am seeking helpful input. I truly love my husband, but this is killing me...and our marriage.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that the first year of a marriage is always the hardest - especially after the newness wears off and we need to adjust to having someone else living in our space. We are always going to be two different people, and both of those people are going to be doing adjustments but sometimes it is hard to see beyond our own needs because they are so pressing.

You mention you are afraid of being alone because of the event last February. Certainly that was scary, but have you realized yet that if you divorce you will be alone far more often? How will you handle that time when you won't have a husband who is there the majority of the time to help you feel safe?

I think one of the biggest issues here is your feelings of being vulnerable. You are probably clinging to your husband even more because of that and he is feeling stifled, as if his needs are not being considered. In a marriage we each try to give to our partners knowing that they will give to us. Sometimes our partners need more from us, sometimes we need more from our partners. The problem arises when we both 'need' more at the same time than the other person has available to give. It sounds to me that perhaps you and your husband are in that situation.

Very seriously, I think you would benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist to help you address your fears of being alone. That is the starting place. You are still reliving the experience of last February and need some help so you can put it into its place. You can't rely on your husband to be strong for you all the time - that is something that you have to learn how to do yourself, and a good therapist is the place to start. Next, you and your husband can perhaps receive counseling together so that you can learn better how to meet each other's needs while still getting your own met.

Marriage is hard work and certainly no fairy tale. The benefits are worth it in the long run but don't let anyone tell you they come easily - they don't. Both of you need to be committed to making it work and learning how to work together as a team. It means learning not to sweat the small stuff - and finding out that what is the small stuff for one may not be small stuff for the other - so it is also learning how to give and take. This is what happens in the first years of a marriage - and when you add in the additional stress of the immigration process, well, it is just plain hard sometimes.

I do think it is premature to think of divorce - although I think if most of us are honest, we have all thought about it when something isn't going right one time or another. The thing is, many times divorce isn't the solution - it just means you have avoided the problem of learning how to adapt your lives together (Not always, of course, but during that first year this is often the situation). Some people truly are incompatible and that is sad when it happens, but a marriage is worth fighting for. Then, when you have given all of the options a shot and tried your best, if it still isn't working, then you think divorce.

Good luck to you, and please, seriously consider finding a therapist to talk to - your husband isn't trained to help you in the same way a therapist can and you will take a heavy load off of his shoulders if you find a trained professional instead of laying it all on him.

Good luck to you.

Edited May 9, 2009 by Kathryn41

[JillA 2]

Hi Ruby,

Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time; I think counselling is a good thing for you. You may be suffering from PTS (post traumatic stress syndrome) from the break in and attempted assault. This is a normal reaction after a stressful event and could be affecting every area of your life. Perhaps counselling will help you get through this, and even joint counselling between you and your husband as well. For the next week, until he comes back, is there any family or friend's you can stay with so you're not alone? Do you have anywhere else to go until he comes home.

[beans 7]

Firstly, I am sorry that you are going through this and you feel the way that you do (I want to say that now because what I generally comes out as blunt and people take offense)

You have already stated that you may be too quick to the draw on this one and you are correct. As irrational as your husband was with his anger, you do need to see where this is coming from. In his mind, he packed up and left his friends and family to be with you and that is a very huge sacrifice. He has been there and with you for nine months.

Due to your recent break-in and attempted rape you are feeling vulnerable and that is okay and you are entitled to feel the way you feel. However, your husband is homesick and wants to be with his family. In my opinion, it is not solely his responsibility to keep you safe. In the time that he is gone (because he will go back to Canada again) have a friend stay at the house, or go to your Mom or Dad's. A therapist is a sound idea and can help you come to terms about what happened.

I think the worst thing you could have done in this situation (which you have done to an extent) is the following: 1. ask him to cut his trip short or not go at all and 2. making him feel like you can only survive with him (this can cause anyone to feel overwhelmed)

9 months is a very young marriage, and problems will arise on a daily basis. You both need to learn how to handle them as calmy as you possibly can. I know this is easier said than done BUT you do need to work on it.

"The easiest part of marriage is falling in love and walking down the aisle. The most difficult part of marriage is 10 years later when the problems have ensued and issues have come about and you still find love. Marriage is not about the beginning, marriage is about the process and still being able to love through all things."

Edited May 9, 2009 by beans

[What Happened? 4]

Hello, Canadian VJers.

It is with great sadness that I write this post. I am very seriously contemplating divorce from my husband. Right now, I am trying to figure out my next move and I need a little bit of feedback about a couple of questions.

Most of you know my situation, but I'll reiterate (condensed version). My husband moved down here last June, we got married in August. Things were fine (or so I thought), then my husband exclaims that he's homesick and threatens to leave me. We worked through that. He tells me he wants to go back to Canada for three weeks when he gets his GC, and I protest and ask him if he can make it two weeks instead. He says no and doesn't budge--and actually ends up getting quite upset with me. I can't do anything about it--his mom bought his plane ticket, not me.

I tried to be a good sport about his being gone, but so far have been unable to handle it. I wasn't sure why, but finally realized that I hate being alone and wasn't prepared to be left by myself due to an event that occurred in February in which someone broke into my home and tried to sexually assault me. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since my husband went back to Canada. I average 4 to 5 hours per night. I am miserable and have let Sean know frequently. I know it isn't fair to be angry at Sean for leaving when I asked him not to. I know he's been very homesick lately and that this trip is good for him. I know it's not his fault that I am doing as poorly as I am. This is just too much for me. I hadn't heard from him for three days, so I texted him and asked him to call this morning.

The conversation didn't go well. I broke down and told him that I couldn't handle his being gone--reason being, I was terrified of being by myself due to that break-in/attempted sexual assault. I told him I didn't mean to make his trip back to Canada miserable by telling him this, but I'm not really sure who else to talk to or what to do. He ended up getting very angry at me and told me that he thinks I am trying to "milk" the break-in thing and get him to drop whatever he's doing in Canada and spend more time with me. He said that he doesn't care about the situation and doesn't understand why I'm so freaked out because "nothing happened to you," and that if I'm seeking sympathy from someone, maybe I should go see a therapist. "You're putting the burden on me, and it's too much to handle," he said. I even told him at one point that I was so sad because I felt like he'd just shut down, and talking to him seemed fruitless. "Like talking to a brick wall?" he asked sarcastically, "Like pulling teeth? Let me try to think of some other things you say to me."

Of course, I am devastated by this reaction. I really need my husband and his sympathy right now, but he can't be there for me. I have been tempted so many times to ask him to please come back from Canada early, but I haven't. I don't think he would anyway. He's only there for one more week, which "isn't a big deal," he says. But every day is hell for me...especially trying to sleep.

I'm not really looking for advice on whether or not to go through and divorce him because you can't find that sort of thing on an online forum. I'm 25 years old and Sean and I have only been married for nine months. I have never had to deal with such a difficult relationship obstacle before and am wondering if I might be reacting too quickly by considering divorce. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is, has anyone else had this sort of obstacle and is willing to talk about it?

My second question is, do you have any suggestions for how I could approach my husband to get him to stop being so angry at me and try to be there and show some support? I believe that he is furious with me because he feels like I've pulled him away from his friends and family by his moving down here to get married to me, and now that he's back up visiting friends and family, here I am again supposedly pulling him away again and "guilt-tripping" him. That's not what I'm trying to do at all.

I would ask that one of the moderators please remove any of those little emoticons of people eating popcorn and watching a show, or any disrespectful comments toward my situation. I really am trying to work through this and figure out my next move. I've already called my insurance company and have sought the names of some counsellors to help me work through the break-in thing. I'm in a bad place emotionally right now, and I am seeking helpful input. I truly love my husband, but this is killing me...and our marriage.

Sorry for your pain in this situation. I wish things were different for you. I cannot say that I have had this type of situation. But from what has been written in this post I see that there are two sides very clearly. It is cler that you are still hurting from the break in of your home and as you said attempted rape. Although it seems odd to me that a man would want to leave the side of his woman only 3 months after such an event, I can understand how he may probably feel lessened by the harsh words you have sent his way. There is only so much a person can do to help you move past your pain and fear from the break in and he probably feels very helpless and unable to help you feel better. Although I find fault in his just up and leaving at this time, because most men want to make sure their woman is protected. But everyone reacts differently. If you want your relationship to work out it is probably best that you stop dwelling on how everyone else is hurting you and take charge of your life. You can always sleep at a trusted friends house or your parents house while he is away if you are not feeling safe in the home. When he returns, maybe you might consider being less stringent when speaking with him. I know if someone told me that talking to me was like talking to brick wall, they'd surely get a brick wall to talk to.........because I'd stop talking altogether. It is a hurtful thing to say to a person who loves you dearly but may not be as equipped as you are with expressing all these emotions. Trust me he was afraid and pained by the incident too. But it has already happened and now he can do nothing about it to change it. Men like to be able to help and fix things. So you need to keep in mingd that if he's not going to be able to fix it for you, you need to not keep bringing it to his attention. It hurts him that he can not fix it so he ran away because you keep reminding him that he can't . As painful as it is, this is the time when if you need to talk things out to feel better, you need to do that with girlfriends or a therapist. But it will never help you to move forward, if you continue to re-route your pain to him or anyone else. It is something horrible that has happen to you but don't let it define your entire life story.

Wish you both the very best.

[reeses16 8]

Yes, I think its too soon to think about divorce. I think that your issues stem from the incident in February and that you are upset with your husband because he is not reacting the way you would like him to. As pointed out, if you divorce you'll be alone much more and in a worse situation in regards to being fearful and alone. In terms of you relationship, I don't think its fair to ask your hubby to come back in the middle of his trip. He's homesick and now that he's got his green card he can finally go back for a while. While he is gone, try to stay with family or friends and don't make him feel bad for going. IF you haven't told them what happened to you, you can just say that the house is too quiet or that you just want to hang with them since you haven't had a lot of time lately. In any case, I think the solution to situation lies with you, not your hubby. I know its difficult and it will take time to not feel so dependent and scared.

[coldwatersurf 5]

Im sorry to hear this. But you're not alone. I am guessing your husband is greatly affected by the big change. On my first day of moving, my husband and I had a HUGE fight which resulted in angry hurtful words and bringing up the D word. I brought up the D word. Im guessing your husband felt like he gave up a lot of things he really valued. but he needs to realize that this was his decision. he willingly immigrated there to join you. I know my argument with my husband at the fight was i gave up so many things to be with him and I'm not getting any understanding that I had given up so many valuable things and he says he understands but he wasnt saying the right things to make me understand that he knows how i feel. it felt like he knows i gave up a lot of things to move but the way he was communicating with me was telling me "you're here now, so live with it". It made me angry and told him i didnt sign up for this life and I have discussed this with him numerous times that I will need full support & understanding and I would rather have a divorce and salvage whatever i have left in canada instead of being treated the way I was feeling. at the end, I put my guard down and talked to someone who has been married for a long time. They were able to give me insight on situations from thick and thin. and i agreed w/ my hubby that the D word was never to be brought up again in silly fights.

Anyways, divorce is too early in your situation. I suggest speaking to him when he is not angry. Something tells me he has his guard up for some reason. Find out why. Men usually respond more and open up when they are in a happy state of mind. They are more willing to open up. so wait for that moment. usually a sincere touch in a heated argument can calm a person down too. If you cannot wait and this is killing you, I suggest going to a therapist. You need to do this either way b/c of what has happened to you. It doesnt mean you are crazy but you need a person outside the box to make you realize or solve what you cannot see. I dont think you will get this help from your husband. If anything, I think its pressuring him and probably stressing him. At the end, its up to you to get over your problem and find peace. No one else can give this to you. Your husband can only help comfort you but he will not be able take that scar away. I know this b/c i have been through this emotional rollercoaster. I went to see a personal counsellor that helped me talk out my problems. When I was seeking help and attention from my partner at that time, it made our relationship worse than ever. (b/c i was too needy as he stated). When I went to the counsellor, she made me realize that I was not confident and at peace with myself. I went through an angry state in life at that point b/c my counsellor made me realize that I was creating the negative energy but I was the only one to have the power to change my path and no one else can do this for me.

I hope you and your husband can get through this. both of you have been through this immigration process and communication is the key. It will take time so be patient. baby steps

[Ontarkie 14,222]

I agree with what the others have said, you still need time to heal from that break in.

You are hurting really bad right now and scared so making any big decisions like divorce should be bad as you are not thinking clearly. Try and get a few girl friends/family and have a big girls night/weekend type of thing.

Also something that may help along with the conseling is maybe a dog I know it may seem silly but it might help you get some sense of security and will help take some of the pressure off your husband. I know alone in the country my dog was the only thing that made me feel safe.

Daniellle

[It's me 1]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that the first year of a marriage is always the hardest - especially after the newness wears off and we need to adjust to having someone else living in our space. We are always going to be two different people, and both of those people are going to be doing adjustments but sometimes it is hard to see beyond our own needs because they are so pressing.

You mention you are afraid of being alone because of the event last February. Certainly that was scary, but have you realized yet that if you divorce you will be alone far more often? How will you handle that time when you won't have a husband who is there the majority of the time to help you feel safe?

I think one of the biggest issues here is your feelings of being vulnerable. You are probably clinging to your husband even more because of that and he is feeling stifled, as if his needs are not being considered. In a marriage we each try to give to our partners knowing that they will give to us. Sometimes our partners need more from us, sometimes we need more from our partners. The problem arises when we both 'need' more at the same time than the other person has available to give. It sounds to me that perhaps you and your husband are in that situation.

Very seriously, I think you would benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist to help you address your fears of being alone. That is the starting place. You are still reliving the experience of last February and need some help so you can put it into its place. You can't rely on your husband to be strong for you all the time - that is something that you have to learn how to do yourself, and a good therapist is the place to start. Next, you and your husband can perhaps receive counseling together so that you can learn better how to meet each other's needs while still getting your own met.

Marriage is hard work and certainly no fairy tale. The benefits are worth it in the long run but don't let anyone tell you they come easily - they don't. Both of you need to be committed to making it work and learning how to work together as a team. It means learning not to sweat the small stuff - and finding out that what is the small stuff for one may not be small stuff for the other - so it is also learning how to give and take. This is what happens in the first years of a marriage - and when you add in the additional stress of the immigration process, well, it is just plain hard sometimes.

I do think it is premature to think of divorce - although I think if most of us are honest, we have all thought about it when something isn't going right one time or another. The thing is, many times divorce isn't the solution - it just means you have avoided the problem of learning how to adapt your lives together (Not always, of course, but during that first year this is often the situation). Some people truly are incompatible and that is sad when it happens, but a marriage is worth fighting for. Then, when you have given all of the options a shot and tried your best, if it still isn't working, then you think divorce.

Good luck to you, and please, seriously consider finding a therapist to talk to - your husband isn't trained to help you in the same way a therapist can and you will take a heavy load off of his shoulders if you find a trained professional instead of laying it all on him.

Good luck to you.

Beautifully spoken kathryn!

[rexalite 0]

You sound like you are having a fight, where what you are fighting about is not what you are fighting about. You should go in for counselling to try and get your communication sorted out. While it is frustrating because you think your husband is not giving you what you need, he could say the same thing. A good therapist will help you get things back on track. Best of luck to you.

[scandal 951]

Nothing more to add above the others. Your post was very touching, and the responses have been compassionate ... I echo them. Don't give up on your marriage too easily, take your time to make the right choices. Best of luck to you.

[MrsCat 6]

You sound like you are having a fight, where what you are fighting about is not what you are fighting about. You should go in for counselling to try and get your communication sorted out. While it is frustrating because you think your husband is not giving you what you need, he could say the same thing. A good therapist will help you get things back on track. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like you're saying I need you and he's hearing you must come home. Two very different messages.

[paul151 0]

You sound like you are having a fight, where what you are fighting about is not what you are fighting about. You should go in for counselling to try and get your communication sorted out. While it is frustrating because you think your husband is not giving you what you need, he could say the same thing. A good therapist will help you get things back on track. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like you're saying I need you and he's hearing you must come home. Two very different messages.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

I agree with your synopsis . This happens often with my wife and I. It's very hard to recognise and control when you're in the heat of the moment though.

But judging by your husbands reactions to what you're saying, I'd definately try and wait until he comes home to talk about it again. Just maybe talk about the weather, how his family/friends are doing etc for now. Try and stick it out and keep the conversation light until he returns. As a rule , men are generally emotionally challenged at the best of times- talking over phones long distance just emphasizes it. Not all men, but most I know I know I hate talking luvvy duvvy into a piece of plastic.

Another thing to consider is that he may be so protective of you , not being able to give you the support you need is very frustrating to him right now. He is probably more frustrated and angry at the situation than at you- it's just manifesting as angry/hurtful words towards you.

Anyways, you should really think long and hard about divorce and its ramifications. I was divorced once. You are never quite the same again, emotionally or financially. Counselling is definately your option A at this point.

Good luck

[minnew 4]

I agree with what everyone else has said, please look into some counselling. It sounds like both of you are going through some hard times, you with the attempted assault, and him the homesickness and depressed and looking for the other to emotionally support each other, but have not been able to given the circumstances. I wish you both the best.

[TimandJoyce 1]

Another thing to consider is that he may be so protective of you , not being able to give you the support you need is very frustrating to him right now. He is probably more frustrated and angry at the situation than at you- it's just manifesting as angry/hurtful words towards you.

Now I'm not a counselor by any stretch of the imagination, but this was one of the first things I thought of! Men think sooooo differently from women..and sometimes, we tend to forget that. Perhaps he's feeling like he let you down. He didn't protect you back then. I'm just grasping at straws...I have NO idea what he's feeling or thinking, but most men that love their wives would do anything to protect them. He's dealing with it in his way, and that may not be how you would. I could be wrong about it, you won't know until you talk with him. Let him finish out his week. He needs time too.

What the others have said about relationships, and commitments, and growth, I applaud!! Much wisdom. I'm sure anyone of them won't mind if you PM them to keep contact going. Counseling, or books, are a good choice. And when the time is right, you can introduce him to it. Just let him know that you are doing this FOR YOU!! Ok? He just may feel that he'd like to learn with you for support.

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) to you Ruby....you're not alone.