IR1, when its safe for divorce.

[sasaqlain 24]

My advice: Divorce her and move on. You have nothing to worry about related to your residency. You have a 10 year GC and good to go. Unfaithful wives are sorted out in a different manner where i come from. But here, the law of the land is such that its best you walk away. Her youth will fade away in a few years and all these boyfriends WILL walk away. And soon she will realize she is all alone in a crowd. Be Happy! Best of Luck.

magpie: You seem to be justifying the adulterer. She shouldn't have married then. She may have been forced to marry this guy, but its not his fault.

[trinket 30]

My advice: Divorce her and move on. You have nothing to worry about related to your residency. You have a 10 year GC and good to go. Unfaithful wives are sorted out in a different manner where i come from. But here, the law of the land is such that its best you walk away. Her youth will fade away in a few years and all these boyfriends WILL walk away. And soon she will realize she is all alone in a crowd. Be Happy! Best of Luck.

magpie: You seem to be justifying the adulterer. She shouldn't have married then. She may have been forced to marry this guy, but its not his fault.

I don't think Magpie is justifying the adulterer, being an Indian I can tell a lot of stories where the girls are forced to get married to someone just because its about family values or status. There are loads of cases of forced marriages, parents take the girl to the old country for a visit but then she ends up getting married, her passport is taken away, or she gets dead threats, so its not as easy as you think it is. Life isn't black and white!

And I don't want to be devil's advocate, why did OP continue with the VISA process given he knew before hand that his wife is having an affair with someone else in US while he is waiting in his country? So, yes don't just blame the girl, nor do I want to blame the OP but I am with Magpipe on what she said.

And to Magpipe, I am so proud of your courage; I wish more women would stand up for their freedom even if that means giving up their family. One shouldn't be living in a marriage where there is no love. Best wishes to you

Edited May 10, 2009 by trinket

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

I don't think Magpie is justifying the adulterer, being an Indian I can tell a lot of stories where the girls are forced to get married to someone just because its about family values or status. There are loads of cases of forced marriages, parents take the girl to the old country for a visit but then she ends up getting married, her passport is taken away, or she gets dead threats, so its not as easy as you think it is. Life isn't black and white!

And I don't want to be devil's advocate, why did OP continue with the VISA process given he knew before hand that his wife is having an affair with someone else in US while he is waiting in his country? So, yes don't just blame the girl, nor do I want to blame the OP but I am with Magpipe on what she said.

And to Magpipe, I am so proud of your courage; I wish more women would stand up for their freedom even if that means giving up their family. One shouldn't be living in a marriage where there is no love. Best wishes to you

Thank you so much, Trinket :: hugs ::; your words are so encouraging. I did not make the decision to leave lightly, and it was only when talking simply made no difference. Knight had always told me he never wanted to take me away from my family, so never did he put pressure on me to break away from them.

There is always a choice, like you said; the guy generally has a much greater say in things than the girl, who is told she's bound by duty to obey. My parents took my passport away, which is why I had to get a new one after I moved out, and withheld and hid documents from me. My mother was actually planning a visit to India in December, but I left before that could happen. I only recently got to know a friend who said similar things to you, and he said he actually stood up for his younger sister -- while my brothers didn't do so at all unless they were to benefit in some way.

I have to be the luckiest girl in the world to have my Knight, and be alive. I don't think I would have had the strength otherwise. A marriage or relationship without love, even in friendships (I love all my friends, as they are my family now), is not one worth having. Cool_guy, please keep those words in mind.

Magpie.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

I don't think Magpie is justifying the adulterer, being an Indian I can tell a lot of stories where the girls are forced to get married to someone just because its about family values or status. There are loads of cases of forced marriages, parents take the girl to the old country for a visit but then she ends up getting married, her passport is taken away, or she gets dead threats, so its not as easy as you think it is. Life isn't black and white!

And I don't want to be devil's advocate, why did OP continue with the VISA process given he knew before hand that his wife is having an affair with someone else in US while he is waiting in his country? So, yes don't just blame the girl, nor do I want to blame the OP but I am with Magpipe on what she said.

And to Magpipe, I am so proud of your courage; I wish more women would stand up for their freedom even if that means giving up their family. One shouldn't be living in a marriage where there is no love. Best wishes to you

Thank you so much, Trinket :: hugs ::; your words are so encouraging. I did not make the decision to leave lightly, and it was only when talking simply made no difference. Knight had always told me he never wanted to take me away from my family, so never did he put pressure on me to break away from them.

There is always a choice, like you said; the guy generally has a much greater say in things than the girl, who is told she's bound by duty to obey. My parents took my passport away, which is why I had to get a new one after I moved out, and withheld and hid documents from me. My mother was actually planning a visit to India in December, but I left before that could happen. I only recently got to know a friend who said similar things to you, and he said he actually stood up for his younger sister -- while my brothers didn't do so at all unless they were to benefit in some way.

I have to be the luckiest girl in the world to have my Knight, and be alive. I don't think I would have had the strength otherwise. A marriage or relationship without love, even in friendships (I love all my friends, as they are my family now), is not one worth having. Cool_guy, please keep those words in mind.

Magpie.

I totally agree with Magpie and Trinket. I can relate so much to what Magpie wrote, I am going through it and doing it only that I have no moved out but facing it and with all the hurt and the 'abuse' I am receiving I still have hope and you can imagine how hard it is to still keep the hope with all what is going.... I have nothing against people who did/do arranged marriage. But, it is totally wrong to force someone into marrying another without their will. Most of the times in these arranged marriages the guy and the girl do not get to spend enough time together before marriage. If they are lucky and get a long after marriage, that is nice. And if they are unlucky, they have to put up with it and what will be will be. This situation is harder than people think. I am not trying to justify what your wife is doing, cool_guy. It is by all means wrong. But she is a victim just like you are for being deprived the right to choose to say "NO!", and by doing so she has been unfair to herself and to you. I am very sorry you are in this situation, but hopefully things will be better for you and you get to be with someone who matches you and you feel how good it is to be truly in love. Nothing can compare to that feeling...

Best of Luck,

Aya

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

I totally agree with Magpie and Trinket. I can relate so much to what Magpie wrote, I am going through it and doing it only that I have no moved out but facing it and with all the hurt and the 'abuse' I am receiving I still have hope and you can imagine how hard it is to still keep the hope with all what is going.... I have nothing against people who did/do arranged marriage. But, it is totally wrong to force someone into marrying another without their will. Most of the times in these arranged marriages the guy and the girl do not get to spend enough time together before marriage. If they are lucky and get a long after marriage, that is nice. And if they are unlucky, they have to put up with it and what will be will be. This situation is harder than people think. I am not trying to justify what your wife is doing, cool_guy. It is by all means wrong. But she is a victim just like you are for being deprived the right to choose to say "NO!", and by doing so she has been unfair to herself and to you. I am very sorry you are in this situation, but hopefully things will be better for you and you get to be with someone who matches you and you feel how good it is to be truly in love. Nothing can compare to that feeling...

Best of Luck,

Aya

Aya, you are so right that it's unfair for both parties, not just the girl, but the guy too. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world with your own journey -- please send me a PM if ever you want to talk. I know it's very difficult to approach anyone when you want to express yourself about the situation you're in, because people from the same culture do generally judge you for it because they don't understand.

Hugs,

Magpie.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

I totally agree with Magpie and Trinket. I can relate so much to what Magpie wrote, I am going through it and doing it only that I have no moved out but facing it and with all the hurt and the 'abuse' I am receiving I still have hope and you can imagine how hard it is to still keep the hope with all what is going.... I have nothing against people who did/do arranged marriage. But, it is totally wrong to force someone into marrying another without their will. Most of the times in these arranged marriages the guy and the girl do not get to spend enough time together before marriage. If they are lucky and get a long after marriage, that is nice. And if they are unlucky, they have to put up with it and what will be will be. This situation is harder than people think. I am not trying to justify what your wife is doing, cool_guy. It is by all means wrong. But she is a victim just like you are for being deprived the right to choose to say "NO!", and by doing so she has been unfair to herself and to you. I am very sorry you are in this situation, but hopefully things will be better for you and you get to be with someone who matches you and you feel how good it is to be truly in love. Nothing can compare to that feeling...

Best of Luck,

Aya

Aya, you are so right that it's unfair for both parties, not just the girl, but the guy too. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world with your own journey -- please send me a PM if ever you want to talk. I know it's very difficult to approach anyone when you want to express yourself about the situation you're in, because people from the same culture do generally judge you for it because they don't understand.

Hugs,

Magpie.

Thanks Magpie Sure I will, feel free to PM me any time too

[resilient 2]

Unfaithful wives are sorted out in a different manner where i come from. But here, the law of the land is such that its best you walk away. Her youth will fade away in a few years and all these boyfriends WILL walk away. And soon she will realize she is all alone in a crowd. Be Happy! Best of Luck.

How can someone be so misogynist, cruel and disgusting in just a few phrases?

Thanks God I am not married to a muslim man.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

How can someone be so misogynist, cruel and disgusting in just a few phrases?

Thanks God I am not married to a muslim man.

We can't blame the acts of individuals to a religion and we shouldn't label people under their religion/race/gender, etc. People mistake culture for religion and that is the problem. They let their culture control their beliefs and thus think they are doing right for keeping what they think is 'the right way to lead a life'. There are good and bad people everywhere. I know some very open-minded and respectable Muslim couples who fought for their love and are having a happy life and cases in which the families are very understanding and help their sons and daughters to be with the ones they choose.

[sara..... 371]

every single day of my life i thank God for my mom, when my family started talking about finding me a husband i dug my feet in and demanded to have the right to make the choice of my own husband, at first i was told sure u have that right u can refuse anyone that we make the choice of if u dont like him, and in my heart im sure that my family would never have forced me to accept someone i didnt want but that is not how i wanted to find my life partner so, after a lot of heated arguments, we worked it out, maybe not like most of the usa women do but in a way that i was comfortable with, i have seen so many women of our religion married and stuck with men that had mmm no respect or want to call them anything including their property.

as for the gentleman that started this thread, non of us here have any idea of what happened with ur wife before u came or after, but from what u have written it seems that you are a good person to have tried to accept your wife even after finding the things that she had done, there are men out there that would have extracted some sort of punishment.

i hope that u get ur divorce and that you find ur soul mate in life and that ur life is happy.

sara

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

Sara and Aya, both well said -- and Sara, I'm so glad that you have found happiness. And as Aya said, we can never pin such things solely on religion, because there's other things clouding what's really going on. There's good and bad in every place, in all cultures, religions -- and I feel sorry for the women who are on the wrong end of the stick. I hope they can all find joy in some measure, and be able to break away from the traditions or beliefs that only end up hurting them.

Magpie.

[bhajishah 4]

fIND A respectable wife

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

fIND A respectable wife

This hasn't got to do with a woman being respectable or not respectable. He needs to find a woman who loves him, and who he loves in return; no, the OP's wife went about things the wrong way, but the intense pressure she must have been under had to be overwhelming to prompt her to overlook her marriage because maybe she felt it wasn't real. Please don't judge either of them poorly when they were in a marriage which was doomed before it could even blossom. I've also known cases where the man will go off with other girls because he doesn't love his wife, so this whole "it's the woman's fault" thing needs to stop. I hope and pray the OP finds someone who is right for him so that the marriage is not based on crumbling foundations. Kudos for him for recognising the issues there and taking a step away in order to blaze his own path to happiness, and to allow her freedom.

Magpie.

Edited May 11, 2009 by KnightAndMagpie

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

In places where man is glorified as nearly a god, it's to be expected, pookie. :c

-Knight

[cool_guy 0]

Thanks all for sharing your life and thoughts here. Im really glade to be a part of this forum.

But guys dont fight here bcos we are sharing and helping each others.

Now about me and her... i really still love her but i lost respect for her. And its impossible for me to live with her bcos of her thought and i dont wanna live with but i can swear that i can take care of her whole of my life bcos i really love her and i miss her thousand times in a second.

Second, may be our marriage was settled but she was very happy when she was marring me. But situation has changed later. may be it is the distance which is the cause.

I know that she will be alone and tried her to realize that. bcos the two person who is maintaining relation with her not gonna take her responsibities. And i know how is she feeling inside but she is still begging them so that one of them can take her.

guys i dont know what to say more...

A pain inside u may cause u dead.

Anyways Can you guys help me to find a Job? I have worked on J2EE Technology for 5yrs and im searching Job on that. if anyone here working in technology then may able to help me. else its ok.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

Thanks all for sharing your life and thoughts here. Im really glade to be a part of this forum.

But guys dont fight here bcos we are sharing and helping each others.

Now about me and her... i really still love her but i lost respect for her. And its impossible for me to live with her bcos of her thought and i dont wanna live with but i can swear that i can take care of her whole of my life bcos i really love her and i miss her thousand times in a second.

Second, may be our marriage was settled but she was very happy when she was marring me. But situation has changed later. may be it is the distance which is the cause.

I know that she will be alone and tried her to realize that. bcos the two person who is maintaining relation with her not gonna take her responsibities. And i know how is she feeling inside but she is still begging them so that one of them can take her.

guys i dont know what to say more...

A pain inside u may cause u dead.

Anyways Can you guys help me to find a Job? I have worked on J2EE Technology for 5yrs and im searching Job on that. if anyone here working in technology then may able to help me. else its ok.

Cool_Guy, maybe to set people's minds at ease, she seemed happy at the wedding...but that doesn't mean that she actually was. I've been witness to a girl brainwashing herself into a marriage that had been arranged for her, and I saw how terrified she was to begin with -- but then she started persuading herself that it was going to be okay. I know that she's unhappy now but there's nothing she can do, and she's trapped where she is. We haven't spoken for some time.

I'm so sorry that you have lost her, because you love her so much -- you seem very genuine. I hope that the guy she's gone to will take care of her as you wanted to. I'm afraid I can't help you in terms of finding a job, mostly because I'm here in the UK, but I can suggest that you go to a job centre locally and see if anybody will take your resume. Any technology worker with five years' worth of experience is sure to land a decent job in the US.

The best of luck to you.

Magpie.