need advice

[reeses16 8]

No, I don't think you should talk you friends and family about this per se (Unless you have someone who you know is objective, your friend will hold on to the bad things you tell them about your husband). But you should re-establish those relationships. You may not feel so stressed if you could go have lunch with your parents, coffee with a friend. Your hubby might enjoy sometime to himself. But more importantly, should things fall apart your support system would be stronger.

[Nagishkaw 510]

thanks again for all the help i feel alot better. You guys helped alot. I think best think for me to do is when he says it again just say ok when you leaving. I will do my best not to get upset cause i do think that is why he says it. I love this forum it has been alot of help.

Stay safe.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS, the next time a little misunderstanding gets the "I'm going back", call his hand.

If he chooses to go back to "his country" you will be better off. The reason this happens is because of the way you acted the first time he said it.

If you had immediately packed his things and placed them at the front door, you would not be dealing with the threats now!!

When the argument is over tell him you made me pack your stuff. At that point, if he chooses allow HIM to unpack....

you hit it right on the nose. I feel like i am walking on eggshells i can not do this anymore. I do not understand we have such small fights and not alot about stupid things. He is wonderful man and would hate to loose him. Why can he just not say that. That is only problem i have.

Concur, call his bluff and perhaps it will shake some sense in his head that his words are causing an issue with you...

Nobody deserves to be put on edge in a relationship like this.

[reeses16 8]

thanks again for all the help i feel alot better. You guys helped alot. I think best think for me to do is when he says it again just say ok when you leaving. I will do my best not to get upset cause i do think that is why he says it. I love this forum it has been alot of help.

Bad idea! Thats just playing games. Then his feelings would be hurt because you told him it was okay to leave. He hurt you, so then you hurt him. Whats the sense in that. I think you need to discuss it- not in the middle of an argument. If he's stressed about work and money, maybe the two of you should sit down and look at your finances. Figure out what you have, what is important, and make a plan (what are you saving for, what you need to pay off/how?).

Edited May 8, 2009 by reeses16

[john & jean 37]

thanks again for all the help i feel alot better. You guys helped alot. I think best think for me to do is when he says it again just say ok when you leaving. I will do my best not to get upset cause i do think that is why he says it. I love this forum it has been alot of help.

Bad idea! Thats just playing games. Then his feelings would be hurt because you told him it was okay to leave. He hurt you, so then you hurt him. Whats the sense in that. I think you need to discuss it- not in the middle of an argument. If he's stressed about work and money, maybe the two of you should sit down and look at your finances. Figure out what you have, what is important, and make a plan (what are you saving for, what you need to pay off/how?).

that is not a game. BUT, IT WILL STOP THE GAMES. BAGS PACKED AT THE FRONT DOOR REQUIRES AN IMMEDIATE CHOICE......

[sara535 15]

Confused,

my husband and I had a lot of these same issues the first year or two he was here, and I can tell you what helped me a lot was to understand that due to his upbringing, my husband had VERY limited experience with relationships. He'd never really had a girlfriend, certainly not in the way that we in the west have relationships, and his parents really didnt set a good model at all. I had already been through a couple of long term relationships and had learned so much about getting along with another and all of that, lessons that he simply had never had the opportunity to learn. He didnt know how to 'choose the battles', he didnt understand the concept of sometimes 'stepping over things', or agreeing to disagree, or even compromise and sacrifice for that matter. When I started to look at it that way and understand things from his eyes, I was able to back up a little and try some different tactics and finally we found some much better ways to communicate and work it out. Between that and just the time it takes to settle in and work his way up the work ladder a little, things will get better for you. My suggestion is try not to take it so personally and consider that possibly he just lacks the emotional and communication 'tools' to identify and express his frustrations and he might just need a little help. My husband has been here more than 4 and a half years now and as I am writing this and thinking about those first couple of years its almost like it was someone else - its SO much different and improved now.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Confused,

my husband and I had a lot of these same issues the first year or two he was here, and I can tell you what helped me a lot was to understand that due to his upbringing, my husband had VERY limited experience with relationships. He'd never really had a girlfriend, certainly not in the way that we in the west have relationships, and his parents really didnt set a good model at all. I had already been through a couple of long term relationships and had learned so much about getting along with another and all of that, lessons that he simply had never had the opportunity to learn. He didnt know how to 'choose the battles', he didnt understand the concept of sometimes 'stepping over things', or agreeing to disagree, or even compromise and sacrifice for that matter. When I started to look at it that way and understand things from his eyes, I was able to back up a little and try some different tactics and finally we found some much better ways to communicate and work it out. Between that and just the time it takes to settle in and work his way up the work ladder a little, things will get better for you. My suggestion is try not to take it so personally and consider that possibly he just lacks the emotional and communication 'tools' to identify and express his frustrations and he might just need a little help. My husband has been here more than 4 and a half years now and as I am writing this and thinking about those first couple of years its almost like it was someone else - its SO much different and improved now.

Now that's what I call wisdom - great advice Sara!!!

[venusfire503 54]

Confused,

my husband and I had a lot of these same issues the first year or two he was here, and I can tell you what helped me a lot was to understand that due to his upbringing, my husband had VERY limited experience with relationships. He'd never really had a girlfriend, certainly not in the way that we in the west have relationships, and his parents really didnt set a good model at all. I had already been through a couple of long term relationships and had learned so much about getting along with another and all of that, lessons that he simply had never had the opportunity to learn. He didnt know how to 'choose the battles', he didnt understand the concept of sometimes 'stepping over things', or agreeing to disagree, or even compromise and sacrifice for that matter. When I started to look at it that way and understand things from his eyes, I was able to back up a little and try some different tactics and finally we found some much better ways to communicate and work it out. Between that and just the time it takes to settle in and work his way up the work ladder a little, things will get better for you. My suggestion is try not to take it so personally and consider that possibly he just lacks the emotional and communication 'tools' to identify and express his frustrations and he might just need a little help. My husband has been here more than 4 and a half years now and as I am writing this and thinking about those first couple of years its almost like it was someone else - its SO much different and improved now.

Sara,

I agree 100%. It really is difficult - many adjustments to make. Especially when, as you said, they don't have past relationships to help them learn how to deal with things. Every situation is different. My poor husband stepped into instant daddy status with my three children, who were dealing with the divorce of their parents not long before. He's also dealing with difficulty finding work, which I know bothers him (he wants to be a man and support me and my children). Then there's my ex, who can't seem to leave me alone. I know everyone says it's not my husband's problem, but he HATES to see me upset, and HATES when people are disrespectful to me. I can tell it really kills him to see me go through this stuff. Yes, it's heartbreaking to me when he threatens to leave, or even says he wants to stay in a hotel for the night (which is better than when he threatened before to leave permanently). Many people wouldn't understand it, especially all my friends and family members who are involved with Americans, not people from other countries. So, it's not just that he gets upset, but that I don't feel I can talk with anyone about it. I have talked with him about it when he's calm - told him how much it upsets me, and he told me to just leave him alone when he blows up. It actually helps quite a bit. I used to get all depressed, and made it worse without realizing it - I'd follow him around and keep trying to talk with him. That's when it really got bad. Now I go upstairs and leave him alone, and he almost always comes after me within 1/2 hour, apologizing. Or he'll leave and drive around for a little, then come home.

I know it's not fair to have to walk on eggshells, and it's very stressful to me. However, I must say that most of the time, I couldn't be happier. Never in my life has someone cared so deeply about me, and appreciated me so much. I'm a very clingy kind of person, and my husband is too. We've spent most of the last 2+ years around each other, day and night, and most people are surprised we haven't killed each other by now. This is such a wonderful thing after my first marriage - to a cold, distant person who didn't want to spend time with me.

I've seen the difference over the past year (the beginning was actually kind of easy, but then it got really bad for a while) - we still have some problems now and then, but we're learning how to deal with it. I still cry sometimes when he gets upset, but I'm realizing to just remember that it'll blow over. And since I don't stand next to him and try to 'fix' things by talking, it rarely blows up into anything. He gets upset, I leave him alone, and it ends quickly. It's wonderful and comforting to know that others have been there, and gotten through it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that helps.

Oh, and not to 'excuse' the behavior (as much as I love my husband, I really wish he had a different way to deal with things than threaten to go away), but I think the hurt in my eyes and on my face bothers him and makes it even harder for him to stay rational. I went through a period in my life when I had more stress than I could handle, and I used to blow up sometimes. Knowing how irrational and unfair I was being made me feel very guilty (and rightfully so), but the guilt made the pressure more intense, and it was a vicious cycle at times. That's why: 1 - I'm so patient with my husband (I've been there, I understand, I am sure he can also find a better way to react - he's already doing much better); 2 - I do my best to talk things through with him when he's calm, and ask him how he's doing, etc.

Everyone has to decide for themselves what's worth it, and what's not. I think that the OP, like me, just sometimes needs someone to talk with about all of this. The worst part of going through the adjusting period is not having anyone to talk to. I know I can't really discuss things with anyone I know - they don't get it, and I also don't want people to think badly of him. And also, as much as I love my friends and family, they are too quick to say to just walk away. I don't want to do that, for many reasons.

Best of luck to everyone with their adjustments. I hope we can all figure out how to fix things to make it work, or know if it's time to walk away.

venusfire

P.S. I also was thinking... I know there's a yahoo group for women married to MENA men, who need someone to talk to. I was wondering if there is, or if someone would want to start, a group for the MENA men who come here. I don't think my husband would want to do it - it seems to be against the way MENA men do things. And I honestly don't know how it would work out. The person I am, though, I wonder if they all had other men to talk to, to see they aren't alone, if it would help them feel a little better.... (I hope that doesn't open a can of worms)

[childress_london 3]

Well if he keeps threatening to leave, but he never does and you know he loves you...it's just all hot air. He just sounds a little immature and not that good at communication. I really would not take these words he says in a moment of anger seriously. He is just blowing off steam. Just back off and wait until the both of you are calmed down and then discuss the problem. That's when it will be time for you to tell him that you know he is just blowing off steam and he would never leave you, but that those words are hurtful and ask if he could try not to say such things when he is angry. We all say things we don't mean when we are angry (**raising hand** :-P).

[Kiv 32]

My husband is from morocco. we have been married 2 years 5 months. whenever we have a small fight like i say something and he misuderstands what i mean he gets so mad. It is always something stupid we fight about. He gets so mad to fast and says things he later says he did not mean. The one thing that bothers me the most when he threatens to go back to morocco. It really hurts me and makes me worry alot. I am posting anonomus just to get some advice or hear if anyone else has this problem. After he says it and cools down then he says i made him say it how can i make him say he is going to leave me. The other thing is when he does or says something wrong he can not just say he is sorry. I know he loves me but i think in my head how can you say you love someone so much then tell them you are going back to your country. I am tired of worrying about him leaving afraid i might say something he does not understand to cause a fight. I am also little worried about the financial issues i will face if he leaves. But not as much as i am worried about my sanity it is driving me crazy.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

1. He says what he wants because he wants, not because you made him. He is responsible for what he says not you.

2. Tell him that if he wants to go home you may suffer but you will survive, don't let him be a Drama King, he will be controlling you with blackmails all the time.

Good luck girl.

[kcoyclay1 98]

Estadia hits the nail on its head. Your culture and customs are way apart so there is a lot to learn as you grow together. What I do not agree with is when he puts the blame on you by saying you made him say that he is going to go back to Morocco. You both have to take responsibility for what you say and do. He said that because he is hurt.

I find that my husband was not used to some of my expressions for example the word "hush". In Jamaica, depending on the way it is used or the tone in which it is said it could mean "shut up" " I agree with you" or it could mean "don't worry, everything is going to be alright". I would never tell my husband to shut up as that is disrespectful so the first time I used the word hush as a word of comfort he was taken aback and said " but I didn't even say anything." He thought I was saying shut up after he told me he wasn't feeling well .

You say that you guys fight verbally over simple things because of misunderstandings. Whenever there is a misunderstanding clear it up immediately or whenever the timing is right and try not to feel like a target. If he is offended by what you said because of a misunderstanding it is your responsibility not to get heated but to say right away in a calm voice that he received what you said in the wrong way. If you retort in the defensive manner then it sparks the argument and frustration will cause the mean spirit to rise and mean spirit beget mean words .

As couples each spouse have to place the other before themselves, be respectful, use kind words etc and things will flow easier. I know it sounds like a fairy tail but it works. My husband and I do not have arguments even though we have differences in opinion. One person has to chose to be in control of the situation and see to it that things do not escalate, but both have to come to that agreement. We decided on that when we started to date and it has been working so far (almost 4 years). It is not easy to give up your right sometimes but it brings peace and understanding through love.

We also made a pledge that anything told in confidence should never be used against the person if a disagreement arises. I remember when my husband's ex-wife called him and told him just four months and two weeks after we were married that she still loved him and he should leave me and return to her. They were never on good speaking terms before and had a horrible marriage but because he helped her kid out (not his) she thought it meant he wanted to be with her (she didn't know he had remarry and that we discussed him helping the kid out) but when he told her he had a new wife who had no problem with him helping her children out she started crying and saying she never stopped loving him and if he returned to her he could get back the house and the car that were given to her in the divorce. Can you believe that my darling even let the idea roll in hid head for a week???!!! Because we are so connected I could feel that something was not right and I told him. He told me what they spoke about and that he called her and told her I am the best thing in his life and nothing in the world could make him leave me. I listened quietly without judgment and when he was through I thanked him for being honest, told him how much I loved him and explained to him that it would have been his biggest mistake in his life if he had chosen to return to her. I told him to cut all ties with her and he called her in my presence and did just that. He then changed his number and she changed hers as well after she found out that he changed his. I have never used it against him as a weapon to cut him down or brought it up. When I speak to him even if it is during a disagreement I use words like sweetie, honey, babe etc and he told me that he likes that about me because even if he is wrong about something I still use words of endearment when addressing him.

I know that everyone is different but the bible says "a soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger" and it is so true. We have nothing to prove to each other but our love and commitment. We remain honest to each other and take life a day at a time.

Just try not to get all heated up over the simple stuff. Your husband is going through a culture shock right now and it is still new for him. If he should say that again tell him how it affects you and try not to feed a disagreement because that is how arguments develop.

All the best.. just my two cents

[kcoyclay1 98]

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS, the next time a little misunderstanding gets the "I'm going back", call his hand.

If he chooses to go back to "his country" you will be better off. The reason this happens is because of the way you acted the first time he said it.

If you had immediately packed his things and placed them at the front door, you would not be dealing with the threats now!!

When the argument is over tell him you made me pack your stuff. At that point, if he chooses allow HIM to unpack....

Thats not the best advice john & jean. Pride is a hell of a thing. They have to throw water on the fire not fuel. Hurt words escalate situations. In a marriage its about solving things not adding insult to injury. This is not ####### for tat but rather how can we work this out.

The same to you Kiv. If that is the way we should treat our marriage then divorce is surely in the near future.

Edited May 8, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[Kiv 32]

The same to you Kiv. If that is the way we should treat our marriage then divorce is surely in the near future.

You sound like a smart loving person. I wish I could be as patiennt as you show to be. We all have diferent degrees of patience and that can help our relations depending on our and ours SO's personality.

I just don't think anybody should deal with blackmail, I have been married for 5 years I don't think my husband would tolerate it from me and I think he knows it does not work with me either. So far I don't see divorce in the near future. That seem to work for us, may not work for everybody.

[kcoyclay1 98]

The same to you Kiv. If that is the way we should treat our marriage then divorce is surely in the near future.

You sound like a smart loving person. I wish I could be as patiennt as you show to be. We all have diferent degrees of patience and that can help our relations depending on our and ours SO's personality.

I just don't think anybody should deal with blackmail, I have been married for 5 years I don't think my husband would tolerate it from me and I think he knows it does not work with me either. So far I don't see divorce in the near future. That seem to work for us, may not work for everybody.

Sometimes it's the culture barrier that brings about frustration Kiv. I think you are very patient because some persons would have not responded to what I said the way you did. You took what I said the right way and was not defensive. I see that you ARE a smart loving person. We just know that there are lines we agree not to cross so that ugly situations do not rear its head. What you have explained when you stated I don't think my husband would tolerate it from me and I think he knows it does not work with me either. So far I don't see divorce in the near future. That seem to work for us, may not work for everybody you are stating that you put each other first which is exactly the result of understanding and mutual respect and exactly what I am talking about. Big up to you girl.

[sereia 0]

I haven't read most of the replies, so sorry if I repeat what others are saying, but I've been there too, confused. My husband used to threaten to return to Morocco many times and it is SO WRONG! Everytime he did that, it took away a piece of me. I believe strongly that yelling divorce everytime something goes wrong is so damaging to a marriage! It is not something that should be thrown around and taken back over and over! I know he's homesick, he's culture shocked, he's having a hard time with the economy, yada, yada, excuses, excuses. But seriously it's no excuse for treating your wife that way! Cultural differences or not....I certainly don't want to be a part of a culture that a SO threatens divorce constantly (not saying that's what Moroccans do but some reply here I read spoke of cultural differences)! I think you should make it clear to him how much it hurts you and your marriage and that next time he treatens it, he better have that plane ticket ready and bag packed!

Good luck. PM me anytime if you want to talk about it. I haven't been around VJ in months (came back after an old friend prompted me to) but I can receive PM's.