TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

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Subject: Philosophy our professors never taught

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12 .. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be

When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three

thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

[Nagishkaw 510]

[Nessa 23]

lol

[almaty 19]

Deborah was a Catholic girl,

she held out to the bitter end.

Carla was a different type,

she's the one who put it in.

Mary was a black girl,

and I was afraid of a girl like that.

Susan painted pictures sitting down

****like the Buddha sat.****

Reno was an aimless girl, --should be-- Reno was a nameless girl

a geographic memory.

Cathy was a Jesus-freak,

she liked that kind of misery.

Vicky had this special way

of turning sex into a song.

****Kamala who couldn't sing,****

kept the beat and kept it strong.

Xylla was an archetype,

the voodoo queen the queen of rap.

Joan thought men were second best

to masturbating in the bath.

Sherri was a feminist,

she really had that gift of gab.

Kathleen's point of view was this:

take whatever you can grab.

Seattle was another girl

who left her mark upon the map.

Karen liked to tie me up,

and left me hanging by a strap.

Jeannie had this nightclub walk

that made grown men feel underage.

Mary Ellen who had a son

said "I must go," but finally stayed.

Gloria the last taboo

was shattered by her tongue one night.

Mimi brought the taboo back

and held it up before the light.

Marilyn who knew no shame,

was never ever satisfied.

Julie came and went so fast,

she didn't even say good-bye.

Well Rhonda had a house in Venice,

lived on brown rice and cocaine.

Patty had a house in Houston,

shot cough syrup in her veins.

Linda thought her life was empty,

filled it up with alcohol.

Katherine was much too pretty,

she didn't do that ###### at all.

Uh-uh. Not Katherine.

Pauline thought that love was simple,

turn it on and turn it off.

Jean-Marie was complicated,

like some French film-maker's plot.

Gina was the perfect lady,

always kept her stockings straight.

Jackie was a rich punk-rocker,

silver spoon and a paper plate.

Sarah was a modern dancer,

lean pristine transparency.

Janet wrote bad poetry

in a crazy kind of urgency.

Tanya Turkish liked to ####

while wearing leather biker boots.

Brenda's strange obsession

****was for certain vegetables and fruit.****

****Roweena was an artist's daughter,****

the deeper image shook her up.

Dee-dee's mother left her father,

took his money and his truck.

Debbie-Rae had no such problems,

perfect Norman Rockwell home.

Nina sixteen had a baby,

left her parents lived alone.

Bobbie joined a new-wave band,

and changed her name to Bobbie-sox.

Eloise who played guitar,

sang songs about whales and cops.

Terri didn't give a ######,

****was just a nihilist.****

Ronnie was much more my style,

she wrote songs just like this.

Jezebel went forty days

drinking nothing but Perrier.

Dinah drove her Chevrolet

into the San Francisco bay.

Judy came from Ohio,

she's a Scientologist.

****Amiranta here's a kiss,****

I chose you to end this list.

Eighty-eight lines about forty-four women.