A cautionary tale?

[rlogan 2,036]

So Sorry to hear that.

I can see how my wife needs to be busy and we've planned for it. Gosh, there are opportunities for your own business if there is no employment - and I would agree that it doesn't need to be some "perfect" job or business. That's why they call it work!

I had been to my wife's country many times before I met her, and had alredy made the decision that I would live there with her if we ran into immigration problems before we began the paperwork. And still, we can go there and live together. That's OK.

It would have meant a lower standard of living for me economically, but you know when you love your wife - money is a pretty poor substitute.

[girl 37 7]

I'm in a situation where my husband retires in 2 1/2 years and hasn't been giving me an answer when I ask him if he would consider retiring to my old country so I can help my aging parents and be there for my granddaughter who is currently 19 months old. He has no kids from a previous marriage, his mother is 79 years old (not in great shape) and he's not close to his brothers or nieces. Decisions decisions.

I'd bet he'd be more open to the idea if Canada didn't tax his retirement income and social security. Taxes are kinda punitive up there.

The quality of life in Canada is SO much better for the average person than what we have here in the US.

Edited May 5, 2009 by girl 37

[venusfire503 54]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear

That's not always possible, or even a good option. I just couldn't leave my children here, and my ex won't even let them go visit their stepfather's family, much less MOVE there. Not only that, but I'm still trying to learn the language. My SO is now fluent in English, and has a much better chance of getting by here than I would there. If I didn't have children, or they were all 18 and older, or something happened to my ex so I could take them with me, then things could be different. I'd still really have to think about it, though - my children don't know the language, and I'm not sure how they'd adjust. Also, with the difference in things like health care, I'm not so sure it would be a good idea anyway.

My SO had an adjustment coming here, but isn't interested in going back home other than to visit. He knew my situation well even before we applied for his visa.

I really do love my husband, but my love for and obligation to my children comes first.

venusfire

[Cdnwmn 0]

I'm in a situation where my husband retires in 2 1/2 years and hasn't been giving me an answer when I ask him if he would consider retiring to my old country so I can help my aging parents and be there for my granddaughter who is currently 19 months old. He has no kids from a previous marriage, his mother is 79 years old (not in great shape) and he's not close to his brothers or nieces. Decisions decisions.

I'd bet he'd be more open to the idea if Canada didn't tax his retirement income and social security. Taxes are kinda punitive up there.

Actually that didn't enter into it. I think it's more "fear of change."

[Ellie-and-David 38]

Thank you for sharing your story.

I have anxiety's of my own because my fiance works long hours, goes away a lot and I am scared of being lonely and entirely dependent on him for everything.

So..... I have a plan of action!

I have already been in contact with an ex-pat group in the community to say "hey....i'm coming, please be my friend!!!" , made sure that David moved us to an apartment community that is walking distance from a mall, supermarket etc....so that I can spend all of his money and have some retail therapy and can get out of the house.

I have also discussed the work situation with him.

We are going to get married and file asap.....so that I can have my EAD. I Plan on volunteering should I start going stir crazy whilst waiting for the EAD to come through.

I suppose the important thing to do is plan your own life outside of your husband / wife's. Sometimes I want to say no!!! dont want to!! want to spend ALL my time with Dave.....but its not healthy. And.....i keep forgetting....I have him forever now. Not just for a 2 week visit.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think there is so much talk of the journey of how to be with our loved one's, we struggle to think about what real life with them will be like.

[John and Camie 39]

made sure that David moved us to an apartment community that is walking distance from a mall, supermarket etc....so that I can spend all of his money and have some retail therapy and can get out of the house.

I think this is an awesome plan! Aww, I love your attitude, Ellie - we also plan to file for AOS, EAD, etc. ASAP. We're lucky to have my family just around the corner from us, and they love John to bits, but I want so much for him to be okay when he gets here. I'll tell you what, though - if he ever wanted to go back to England, I'd be right on that plane with him, I don't care if I had to wash dishes for a living. To the OP - *hugs* girl - thank you, you've give me some things to really think about. I'm going to have my Honey read this so we can get a plan of action together. I hope you're doing okay.

[vny 0]

So..... I have a plan of action!

I have already been in contact with an ex-pat group in the community to say "hey....i'm coming, please be my friend!!!" , made sure that David moved us to an apartment community that is walking distance from a mall, supermarket etc....so that I can spend all of his money and have some retail therapy and can get out of the house.

I have also discussed the work situation with him.

We are going to get married and file asap.....so that I can have my EAD. I Plan on volunteering should I start going stir crazy whilst waiting for the EAD to come through.

I suppose the important thing to do is plan your own life outside of your husband / wife's. Sometimes I want to say no!!! dont want to!! want to spend ALL my time with Dave.....but its not healthy. And.....i keep forgetting....I have him forever now. Not just for a 2 week visit.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think there is so much talk of the journey of how to be with our loved one's, we struggle to think about what real life with them will be like.

Props to you Ellie. My wife said she wants to work when she gets here. And I will support her, not for the money, but for our sanity. Thank you all for sharing. I will really take all this to heart and have a good one-to-one with my wife when I go to see her in a couple of days. I've always told her as far as the necesities are concerned, I've got it covered, but if she wants to travel and all, then that is what we will do with any money she makes. But now I know that it is even more than that. Thank you all!!!!

[SCFsnoopy 0]

And.....i keep forgetting....I have him forever now. Not just for a 2 week visit.

That's what I'm trying to keep in mind too! It's almost mind boggling to think that when I get there, I will have years upon years to enjoy him...

I was lucky enough to live with my fiance for 3 months last year, so I'm confident I'll be able to cope with it when I get there if I can't work or find a job right away. I was bouncing off the walls a little by the end of that three months but a lot of the frustration was simply due to the fact that I couldn't involve myself in anything long term because it wasn't a permanent visit and I wasn't allowed to work.

My fiance just moved and now lives close by a zoo, and since I'm pursuing a career path with animals, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get a volunteer position there. He also has some pretty awesome housemates - another engaged couple - so the apartment is a hub of social activity. I doubt I will get too bored there!

To the OP - thank you for sharing your story with us. I can see that takes courage. And it's a good example to the rest of us that it isn't easy to give up our country, our culture, our home - even for someone we love. I'm glad that you did what was healthy for you and seem to be on the road to recovery, a part of me hopes that perhaps you and your husband can sort something out one day. All the best for the future.

[jqw000 2]

Thank you all for your caring posts. It means a lot to me and it makes me happy that some of you are going to go away and have the important conversations that need to be had... and put plans of action into place.

So... you've got the plan of action... now DO IT. Please... DO IT and DO IT as soon as you get there... not in a month, not when you're "settled in" not after Christmas... just DO IT. The honeymoon is over the minute your feet touch the ground and it's time to start finding a way to live.

I am happy in a way but also sad because I wish I had known all this beforehand instead of after the fact and when it's pretty much all said and done.

I've asked my husband to come and visit me because I wish we could rekindle what we had but I am finding it so hard to forgive him for not wanting to come here and live with me here (and Australia is a really easy country to be in compared to the others so I understand that for many others going in the opposite direction just isn't possible). I'm also harbouring grievances about the things he did after I left to make it even harder for me to come back... spending ALL our savings on *#######* and generally going crazy. I know he was lost and didn't know what to do but... I wish he had done something. Well, it's all said and done now.

Thanks for your support guys. I don't want to scare you now, because you're all reading this with a sense of "That'll never happen to us" and I desperately hope that it doesn't happen to any of you and that you are right. But know that back when I started this journey, and read posts like this, I was 100% confident that what I was reading could never, ever happen to me and that I was different. I read those posts in disbelief, not thinking for a minute that it would be me in those shoes 3 or so years down the track. Well, now I know different. *hugs*

[Ellie-and-David 38]

Thanks for your support guys. I don't want to scare you now, because you're all reading this with a sense of "That'll never happen to us" and I desperately hope that it doesn't happen to any of you and that you are right. But know that back when I started this journey, and read posts like this, I was 100% confident that what I was reading could never, ever happen to me and that I was different. I read those posts in disbelief, not thinking for a minute that it would be me in those shoes 3 or so years down the track. Well, now I know different. *hugs*

Dont worry, You aren't scaring anyone. You are giving a heavy dose of reality to everyone going through this process. I for one was never under any illusions that this would be easy. I have been voicing my concerns to dave about this for the last 12 weeks or so and that is why we have already taken some of the steps we have. For him, making sure I could integrate myself into the community, make friends and have my own life, is as important to him as having me at all.

Hell.....He'd throw me out of the door and force me to make friends if I was being resistant. We have already arranged tentative plans for me to meet the wives of his work colleagues and are making sure that I have resources to contact my friends and family and get some "face to face" time with my mum by providing her with a high end webcam.

I am also getting a kitten. Probably about 2 weeks after I arrive. Something that is part of my life from the very beginning in Florida. To make it my home and connect me to my new life. It's about making plans, decisions and being realistic about what you can and cant do. I am going to be horribly homesick. I am going to cry alot. I am going to miss England and everyone who was in my life.

But I'm not deluding myself about it. I'm as ready as I can be to prepare for all of this stuff.

I am sorry your husband wont come with you. I really am. I get what you mean about it being different had he had to face going to another country where the culture was so different. But Australia is by all accounts a great place to live (I am desperate to visit one day) and I'm sure he would be able to make his own life. I guess you might need to give him some time. It's only fair now, that he tries to make it work somewhere where you feel comfortable. You already made the ultimate sacrifice....and you both know it doesn't work.

I think your really brave for taking charge and going home and admitting you couldn't do it. Really Brave.

[venusfire503 54]

I know that by sharing this story with you I am opening myself up to negative comments you may have about me. I'm okay with that because I feel like I need to tell this story anyway. Just so people know what happened and to tread carefully in your own journeys and to cherish what you have.

I'm posting this as the final door closes on my relationship and hope of reconciliation is tarnished by the knowledge that the window of opportunity to return to the United States on my visa is very soon to close for good.

You don't know me and you don't know my husband so you may make judgments about us and our choices from this story. Know though, that neither me nor my husband acted dishonestly or cruelly towards one another. There were no lies and there was definitely no cheating. Our "Visa Journey" was one of love and respect and we love each other very much to this day.

Our story began in 2005 when we met for the first time in my home country, in Sydney, Australia. We enjoyed each others company immediately and after he returned home from a short holiday (we had barely known one another a week) we stayed in contact.

Soon, emails became phone calls and then we were talking for hours every day. Learning about one another and slowly falling in love.

I visited the US in February 2006 and the relationship was cemented. We said "I love you" for the first time and we knew that we had something special.

I was finishing my degree and we both desperately wanted to be together and getting married seemed like the logical next step in our relationship. We knew that we wanted to be together forever. Naïve? Maybe, but we were in love and we honestly believed in our relationship.

He came back to Australia and proposed. Midnight of NYE in the city that I love.

We started the visa journey process and it went smoothly… not a single problem.

In July we married and we settled into a life together in the United States.

Those early days were amazing, we couldn't leave each other alone and every day cemented the strength of our relationship. We loved being together. Like a normal couple we had some bumpy roads throughout that year, but to us, we knew we had something special and that everything was great.

But everything wasn't great. As much as I loved my husband, I had given up so much to be with him. I couldn't find a job and was stuck and home day after day, slowly losing self esteem and confidence which in turn made it even harder for me to leave the house. I was once a strong, independent career driven woman, and I had been reduced to a woman who found it next to impossible to leave the house without her husband.

I have to reiterate that this is no ones fault. My husband was NOT manipulative and I was not a gold digger, manipulative or conniving or anything like that. We both wanted to do what was best for the other person.

After being apart for so long, and the prospect of being apart in the future due to his job commitments we felt like ever second together was a gift. Consequently, we spent every spare moment together and I felt like I didn't want to get a job or a social life outside of the relationship because it would take away that "precious" time.

Only now do we both realise that this was a destructive and unhealthy path, but at the time all we could see was each other and how much we wanted to spend every minute together.

So my self esteem was wasting away and I was slowing getting more and more unhappy within myself and I just didn't know why. I honestly remember several occasions where I questioned myself and had to say to my husband "I just don't understand why I don't feel happy right now".

On top of all this going on, the man that I loved was leaving me soon to go away for business for perhaps several months. I was going to be alone and the only reason I had for being in the US was leaving me.

It was all too much.

I was slowly falling into a deep, very serious depression. For anyone who has experienced it, you will understand the horror of it… I wish I could express to those who haven't experienced it just how bad it was. I had panic attacks and constant anxiety and I was bonding with my husband in an unhealthy way, I NEEDED him near me as much as possible. To see him leave for work was torture and I was tearing myself apart just waiting for him to get home.

He is a good man, a great man. He didn't know what to do and he was left helpless, watching me fall apart.

I tried to get help but none was forthcoming between uncaring doctors and a quack psychologist (who turned out to be unqualified!)

The only solution I could think of was coming back to my home country.

It was both the best decision I have ever made, and the worst decision I have ever made. I honestly believe that doing so saved my life, but I also know that I have lost the relationship that I loved so very dearly and that is going to torture me for the rest of my life. He let me go, and it was the right thing to do but he wishes that he had tried to stop me or tried to find another solution… well, this is all just water under the bridge.

It has now been 11 months since I left and about 6 months since I told my husband that I wasn't going to come back.

It tore us both apart.

I wanted DESPERATELY to go back home to be with my husband. I wanted it so badly I tore myself apart trying to make it happen. I just couldn't shake the gut feeling of dread that I felt… I practically had a panic attack thinking about it and even now, so many months on the thought of returning fills me with dread.

So I sit here, crying over the man that I miss with all of my heart. When I left him at the airport I never knew that I wasn't ever going to see him again. If I knew that maybe I would have stopped in my tracks and left the airport with him… or at least I would have told him how much I love him and kissed him and held him tight one last time. I miss him with all of my heart.

In hindsight I wish I had gotten proper help sooner and all those months spent wondering why I didn't "feel happy" wouldn't have been wasted.

I wish I had found work as soon as I got there, if not before. I wish I hadn't let my husband convince me that I didn't have to work and that I should only work if I found a "good" job. I wish I'd gone and worked as a bagger at the grocery store... or done volunteer work. Something... anything.

I wish I wasn't so attached to my husband. That's weird to say but really, people seem to cope so much better when they don't seem to like their spouse very much. Weird huh? Weirdly, the very fact that we never took each other for granted led to our downfall.

I guess there are a whole laundry list of would-a, should-a, could-a comments so I try not to dwell on them...

If you've made it down to here then thank you for taking the time to read my story. Hopefully it will give you some food for thought about your own relationship and your own journey and hopefully make it better.

jqw000,

Thank you so much for being brave and posting your story here. I hope it helps you somehow. I appreciate your honesty - you never know who you might be helping! This has given me some things to discuss with my husband. We're both under so much stress right now that I couldn't even put USCIS at the top of the list. It doesn't help that we're both currently unemployed, have few people to talk with, and spend all of our time with each other. It's been like that most of the time he's been here - we're rarely out of each other's sight (2 years and 4 months now). Some people have been surprised that we haven't killed each other by now! I think we've been doing a good job of dealing with everything, but never knew how to talk with him about making some bigger changes. Maybe if he reads your post, he'll agree that we need to do something before we end up with problems.

I sincerely hope you'll be ok, whatever the future brings.

venusfire

[Nicoxcx 1]

Ellie that is a great idea, The first thing we done after marriage was to adopt a kitty, for that very reason it was mine it started my life here in the USA. When I first arrived here the first few weeks were horrendous, I miss Scotland and my friends and life there, I cried ALL THE TIME, now it is better I am awaiting my AOS and looking forward to visiting my parents and Scotland and getting a job!.

The Visa process will beat the ####### out of your morale, some days you will feel like the hurting would never stop but it gets better.

OP you are VERY brave, Leaving Scotland was horrendous, seeing an airport on tv brings back those horrible 'goodbye' moments, but I could never imagine the hurt to turn around and go home .

We have already decided that when we retire, or maybe sooner who knows, we will pack up and go home. We also made alot of changes to the house, together now it feels like our home and I love having that.

[Gemmie 142]

Thank you for your honesty. No one thinks anything negative of you.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in wanting to be together ASAP and not think of anything else; that's what the seperation does to people.

And I'm quite embarassed to admit this, but when my fiance was in England with me a couple of weeks ago, I found it difficult for him to leave the house to go to the store and get some milk. The house suddenly felt so empty, and I found myself watching him walk away down the street, counting minutes until he was back.

It's called 'seperation anxiety', something that occurs in animals and humans when they become too attached. It's not a healthy thing, and we're fully aware that it needs to be dealt with straight away.

We live in a rural area, so we've decided to get me a monthly train pass; this means I can hop on a train to Boston for the day, or maybe even New York - so I can explore on my own, get out there, try and make some friends. I'm planning on joining yoga classes, joining the gym so that I can go swimming to help the anxiety (exercise helps), volenteer at the animal shelter. I would LOVE to get a kitten or puppy but at the moment, it's not possible. The house we're staying in already has a dog, and it wouldn't be fair to introduce a new arrival like that. We're waiting until we can get a place of our own first.

I know that it'll be difficult to force myself into the community; all I want right now is to be with my fiance and enjoy not having to leave again. But I know that's the seperation anxiety talking, not me. ME... that's my interests, my personality, my life.. and I want to keep that going. I hope we can make the transition work.

[miss g 1]

depression is a really devasting thing on any relationship..

[HappyNathy 0]

vny, you sound like you have really put a lot of thought into what you & your wife have ahead of you. I'm sure that your wife will appreciate that.

I empathize with what the non-USC spouses have posted and I don't have much else to add. I did post before on my experience adjusting here. Kudos to everyone for being so open about their experiences. I think when things get tough; we have a tendency to think it is only happening to us.

Vny, all I would add is that despite one's best laid plans and expectations, a few bumpy patches are to be expected, and when they happen, let them run their course. Don't take it personally when your wife experiences homesickness or culture shock - just try to be sympathetic and supportive.

I think men have this 'fix-it' attitude, which in general we women appreciate, but not everything is 'fixable', they just have to run their course as another poster wrote.

Anyway! That's all I wanted to add. Good luck to you and your wife!

To the OP ~ thank you for sharing and I hope that you will find peace and closure.

Edited May 7, 2009 by HappyNathy