A cautionary tale?

[jqw000 2]

I know that by sharing this story with you I am opening myself up to negative comments you may have about me. I’m okay with that because I feel like I need to tell this story anyway. Just so people know what happened and to tread carefully in your own journeys and to cherish what you have.

I'm posting this as the final door closes on my relationship and hope of reconciliation is tarnished by the knowledge that the window of opportunity to return to the United States on my visa is very soon to close for good.

You don't know me and you don't know my husband so you may make judgments about us and our choices from this story. Know though, that neither me nor my husband acted dishonestly or cruelly towards one another. There were no lies and there was definitely no cheating. Our “Visa Journey” was one of love and respect and we love each other very much to this day.

Our story began in 2005 when we met for the first time in my home country, in Sydney, Australia. We enjoyed each others company immediately and after he returned home from a short holiday (we had barely known one another a week) we stayed in contact.

Soon, emails became phone calls and then we were talking for hours every day. Learning about one another and slowly falling in love.

I visited the US in February 2006 and the relationship was cemented. We said “I love you” for the first time and we knew that we had something special.

I was finishing my degree and we both desperately wanted to be together and getting married seemed like the logical next step in our relationship. We knew that we wanted to be together forever. Naïve? Maybe, but we were in love and we honestly believed in our relationship.

He came back to Australia and proposed. Midnight of NYE in the city that I love.

We started the visa journey process and it went smoothly… not a single problem.

In July we married and we settled into a life together in the United States.

Those early days were amazing, we couldn’t leave each other alone and every day cemented the strength of our relationship. We loved being together. Like a normal couple we had some bumpy roads throughout that year, but to us, we knew we had something special and that everything was great.

But everything wasn’t great. As much as I loved my husband, I had given up so much to be with him. I couldn’t find a job and was stuck and home day after day, slowly losing self esteem and confidence which in turn made it even harder for me to leave the house. I was once a strong, independent career driven woman, and I had been reduced to a woman who found it next to impossible to leave the house without her husband.

I have to reiterate that this is no ones fault. My husband was NOT manipulative and I was not a gold digger, manipulative or conniving or anything like that. We both wanted to do what was best for the other person.

After being apart for so long, and the prospect of being apart in the future due to his job commitments we felt like ever second together was a gift. Consequently, we spent every spare moment together and I felt like I didn’t want to get a job or a social life outside of the relationship because it would take away that “precious” time.

Only now do we both realise that this was a destructive and unhealthy path, but at the time all we could see was each other and how much we wanted to spend every minute together.

So my self esteem was wasting away and I was slowing getting more and more unhappy within myself and I just didn’t know why. I honestly remember several occasions where I questioned myself and had to say to my husband “I just don’t understand why I don’t feel happy right now”.

On top of all this going on, the man that I loved was leaving me soon to go away for business for perhaps several months. I was going to be alone and the only reason I had for being in the US was leaving me.

It was all too much.

I was slowly falling into a deep, very serious depression. For anyone who has experienced it, you will understand the horror of it… I wish I could express to those who haven’t experienced it just how bad it was. I had panic attacks and constant anxiety and I was bonding with my husband in an unhealthy way, I NEEDED him near me as much as possible. To see him leave for work was torture and I was tearing myself apart just waiting for him to get home.

He is a good man, a great man. He didn’t know what to do and he was left helpless, watching me fall apart.

I tried to get help but none was forthcoming between uncaring doctors and a quack psychologist (who turned out to be unqualified!)

The only solution I could think of was coming back to my home country.

It was both the best decision I have ever made, and the worst decision I have ever made. I honestly believe that doing so saved my life, but I also know that I have lost the relationship that I loved so very dearly and that is going to torture me for the rest of my life. He let me go, and it was the right thing to do but he wishes that he had tried to stop me or tried to find another solution… well, this is all just water under the bridge.

It has now been 11 months since I left and about 6 months since I told my husband that I wasn’t going to come back.

It tore us both apart.

I wanted DESPERATELY to go back home to be with my husband. I wanted it so badly I tore myself apart trying to make it happen. I just couldn’t shake the gut feeling of dread that I felt… I practically had a panic attack thinking about it and even now, so many months on the thought of returning fills me with dread.

So I sit here, crying over the man that I miss with all of my heart. When I left him at the airport I never knew that I wasn’t ever going to see him again. If I knew that maybe I would have stopped in my tracks and left the airport with him… or at least I would have told him how much I love him and kissed him and held him tight one last time. I miss him with all of my heart.

In hindsight I wish I had gotten proper help sooner and all those months spent wondering why I didn't "feel happy" wouldn't have been wasted.

I wish I had found work as soon as I got there, if not before. I wish I hadn't let my husband convince me that I didn't have to work and that I should only work if I found a "good" job. I wish I'd gone and worked as a bagger at the grocery store... or done volunteer work. Something... anything.

I wish I wasn't so attached to my husband. That's weird to say but really, people seem to cope so much better when they don't seem to like their spouse very much. Weird huh? Weirdly, the very fact that we never took each other for granted led to our downfall.

I guess there are a whole laundry list of would-a, should-a, could-a comments so I try not to dwell on them...

If you've made it down to here then thank you for taking the time to read my story. Hopefully it will give you some food for thought about your own relationship and your own journey and hopefully make it better.

[Old Dominion 26]

awwww...........by now you have received the counseling you need?

[jqw000 2]

Yes, I should have mentioned. Here I found a wonderful doctor and a wonderful psychologist who have both helped me treat the depression to a large extent. I am definitely well into my recovery.

[TruLuv 0]

I am so sorry that things didn't work out for you. I completely understand everything you have gone through. I have been thinking a lot about it myself, for I am in the process of applying for a k1 visa. My fiance is from Kenya and it will be a huge culture shock for him to come live in the US plus the fact that all his friends and family are in Kenya. I know how much he is sacrificing for me and I don't want what happened to you, to happen to him. We have talked about where we would live a lot. I told him that I couldn't live in Kenya, that it was to far from my family, who I am very close with. I am so grateful that he is going to give Chicago a try, but I also have promised, and I plan to keep it, that if he is not happy in Chicago we will find a more suitable living situation. I believe that the sacrifices made needs to be a 2 way street and that money is not a sacrifice, happiness is. I am sorry that your husband was not willing to sacrifice for you. I can only imagine that pain. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Maybe he will still come to his senses and come after you.

[Zee Bee 61]

Thank you for sharing your story and good luck

[tallcoolone 102]

Exercise and have some type of work out routine about 4 or 5 times per week will keep depression away.

It will keep your mind calm, and happy through out the day........

[JillA 2]

Awww I'm sorry to hear this It is a very difficult journey to leave your home behind, all your loved ones, to move to a new country.... After the initial excitement wears off, I can see how difficult it can get. I am looking for a job right now, and hope to find one soon. It's been 6 months that I've been unemployed and ready to start working again. Best of luck to you.

[It's me 1]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear Edited May 4, 2009 by IamGodsProperty

[tallcoolone 102]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear

Some people can't move to Fiance home country to live cuz there is no work there........

[It's me 1]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear

Some people can't move to Fiance home country to live cuz there is no work there........

i think those issues should be greatly considerd before entering into marriage

Edited May 4, 2009 by IamGodsProperty

[luckymom 0]

Hi! I felt the same way too when I was new here in the US. I met my husband October 2007 and after two months we lived together. I left two kids in the Philippines and being away from them for 18 months was the most agonizing days of my life. But I have set my mind that no matter how lonely I am, I know that someday we will be together. I was a busy mother in my home country yet I was able to survive the emotional crisis that I've been through. I had the best relationship with my husband and I survived calling my kids back home 3x a week. I can't find a job here because of the high unemployment rate and I am just staying home up to now. My husband owns a laundromat and dry cleaning business here in the area and he is a member of a band here. Most of the time I am left alone in the house. This is a very different life from how my life was in my home country but I manage to keep myself busy. I'm always telling myself that I have the most wonderful man in my life and I will do everything for our relationship to succeed. We go to church every Sunday and I don't stop praying each and everyday to give me strength. Now my older son is with us now and it makes me happy but of course I still have my other son in the Philippines. I will be picking him up soon. Never I entertained depression in my mind because I know that at one point it will weaken my will power to survive the emotional crisis here. Day in and day out I am telling myself that this is the life that God gave me and I will be accept it wholeheartedly.

I spent my 46 years in the Philippines, a country that I truly love. I came from a big happy family and all of a sudden I am here in a far away land and the only person I know is my husband whom I met not so long ago. Now, after all the loneliness, I already adapted to my new life. It was not easy as people might think especially if you have kids left behind but with constant praying and positive outlook in life, nothing is impossible. I always believe that GOD is the power behind every one of us. HE gave me this life and I truly accepted what HIS plans for me and for us. I never questioned HIM even if I was in my lowest point in my life. People said I am a survivor yet they don't know that deep inside I had so much anxiety. The most important thing for me now is my relationship with the man of my life, my one and only and husband and of course our future plans with my two kids. Our new family makes every single day of my life a wonderful one. After all the loneliness, the homesickness and depression, LIFE is still so good to me. Now I am happy to be here in USA and I came to realize that there is no impossible thing in this world. FAITH in GOD is the key to overcome depression.

[It's me 1]

Hi! I felt the same way too when I was new here in the US. I met my husband October 2007 and after two months we lived together. I left two kids in the Philippines and being away from them for 18 months was the most agonizing days of my life. But I have set my mind that no matter how lonely I am, I know that someday we will be together. I was a busy mother in my home country yet I was able to survive the emotional crisis that I've been through. I had the best relationship with my husband and I survived calling my kids back home 3x a week. I can't find a job here because of the high unemployment rate and I am just staying home up to now. My husband owns a laundromat and dry cleaning business here in the area and he is a member of a band here. Most of the time I am left alone in the house. This is a very different life from how my life was in my home country but I manage to keep myself busy. I'm always telling myself that I have the most wonderful man in my life and I will do everything for our relationship to succeed. We go to church every Sunday and I don't stop praying each and everyday to give me strength. Now my older son is with us now and it makes me happy but of course I still have my other son in the Philippines. I will be picking him up soon. Never I entertained depression in my mind because I know that at one point it will weaken my will power to survive the emotional crisis here. Day in and day out I am telling myself that this is the life that God gave me and I will be accept it wholeheartedly.

I spent my 46 years in the Philippines, a country that I truly love. I came from a big happy family and all of a sudden I am here in a far away land and the only person I know is my husband whom I met not so long ago. Now, after all the loneliness, I already adapted to my new life. It was not easy as people might think especially if you have kids left behind but with constant praying and positive outlook in life, nothing is impossible. I always believe that GOD is the power behind every one of us. HE gave me this life and I truly accepted what HIS plans for me and for us. I never questioned HIM even if I was in my lowest point in my life. People said I am a survivor yet they don't know that deep inside I had so much anxiety. The most important thing for me now is my relationship with the man of my life, my one and only and husband and of course our future plans with my two kids. Our new family makes every single day of my life a wonderful one. After all the loneliness, the homesickness and depression, LIFE is still so good to me. Now I am happy to be here in USA and I came to realize that there is no impossible thing in this world. FAITH in GOD is the key to overcome depression.

Amen

[Cdnwmn 0]

I'm in a situation where my husband retires in 2 1/2 years and hasn't been giving me an answer when I ask him if he would consider retiring to my old country so I can help my aging parents and be there for my granddaughter who is currently 19 months old. He has no kids from a previous marriage, his mother is 79 years old (not in great shape) and he's not close to his brothers or nieces. Decisions decisions.

[T_and_A 3]

I'm sorry to hear about this...

What they say so scary about depression is it strikes anyone... can't really help it. When I feel down, I just think positively... or at least try to no matter how hard it is given the situation, think of happy thoughts that would make me feel better and forget about depression... maybe it would help. and prayers too! A lot of prayers. My mama raised us to always have prayers close, whenever, wherever it will never let you down.... and i guess it's true because it also never failed me.

My aunt said that "she doesn't believe in depression... and it's all in the mind..."it helps me get back into focus too whenever I would remember their words. Also try to have some inspirational readings or books handy that you can read whenever you feel depressed and lonely and sad and negative feelings. works wonders for me too.

I wish you find happiness and contentment that you deserve..

[KikuyuLove 0]

I am sorry that it did not work as planned and hope that you both find a happiness somewhere. It seems a total shame that he would not go back with you. Nothing would keep us apart and I personally have been working on contingency plans to live and create work for myself in Kenya if for some reason my VSO couldn't get here. God Bless!