So before you say "I Do"

[HappyDancer 7]

So before you say "I Do", make sure you have at least considered these:

• Ability to Compromise: There are subtle changes that most people can make in their lives in order to make their spouse happy. This is part of the never ending compromise phase that is critical. When single, I'd watch football games at bars every Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Thursday). Once married, I toned it down to one day. This is a manageable change that I was willing to make. However, had my wife insisted that I give up all sports entirely, I would have resisted and eventually resented her. That resent would have spread and ultimately influenced my overall attitude towards her. The same is true for just about everything. The willingness of the other person to compromise today (of the lack thereof) and your reaction to it will prove to be a precedent setting event. If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. Don't be shocked and appalled by it when it happens three years from now- you knew this going in and you accepted it!

• Money - Yes, we all want it but once we have it who controls it. My wife started direct depositing her paychecks into my account after 3 months of dating. I actually don't recommend that so soon but she was bad with money and she admitted it. For us, it was a matter of getting our credit into shape (we had 640 credit and back then, now its 850 836) and we needed a strategy to pay off college and personal debt. Once that debt was paid off and we moved into our house, I turned the finances back over to her after a crash course in on time payments and credit. I never looked back. I enjoyed the strategy part of it but not the day-to-day grind of bill paying. She actually enjoyed it because as a stay at home Mom, it gave her the insight she needed to plan for grocery purchases, clothes for the kids, etc. So before you get hitched, what is your plan today and 5 years from now? Who is handling what?

• Who cleans the toilets? - Toilets and the remainder of the housework is a constant issue. It all needs to get done and it's not the most fun. Setup a plan for this in the beginning. My suggestion is a weekly rotation - perhaps you'll come up with something different. The point of this is to set the expectation on both sides so that someone doesn't feel like a housekeeper. Chores need to be shared regardless of the work and income situation. Being a woman doesn't mean the wife has to handle at all.

• The plan: In talking to people, it became pretty apparent that their initial goals were in line but after the kids are born and careers take off, there is a fork in the road. I agree that all plans change and there is no way to write a script for your marriage but a lot of the confusion can be removed by having a 1, 3, 6 and 9 year plan. You should have this conversation now and then revisit it all the time. This does not mean you only review goals at these intervals. These are simply due dates. I am often questioned as to why 1,3,6,9. o 1 Year Plan: This one is obvious. After the wedding, where will you live, where will you eventually live. Who handles what, what is the combined income, what can we afford etc. o At 3 years: You are no longer newlyweds and you are perhaps considering kids. Heck, you may already have a kid at this point. You need a plan for that, a plan for who works, who stays home, what type of daycare, etc. This is also around the time that your first condo or "couple's house" loses it appeal. What kind of house do we want? Where? Can we afford that? How are the schools? What is Plan B if someone gets fired? Do we know what utilities cost? o 6 years: We have all heard of the 7 year itch. Therefore, it stands to reason that you have a plan set with a deadline of 6 years. Where do you want the marriage to be in 6 years? Communication habits, sex life, careers...everything. Talk about it now and periodically consider making adjustments based on the the success of your approach. Plans are meant to be changed. o 9 years: Again, where do you want to the marriage to be in 9 years? Why? What will life be like? How many kids will we have by then? Are we sending them to public school? What if someone's parent dies?

• Holidays - Just discuss how and where you will celebrate holidays. This is a battle for nearly everyone I know.

• Discipline - Are we spanking the kids, are we talking and coaching or are we doing both? No matter how happy you are now, if you're against physical discipline and your spouse is not, you will slowly learn to resent and dislike him/her each time a spanking is doled out. Discuss it NOW and avoid a surprise.

• Ok, religion - How important is it and how will we teach the kids?

• Communications, cheating - I don't care how many conversations you have, no one will ever openly state that they "may cheat". A key here is to be undoubtedly sure that the precedent is set for open communication. If a wife is not happy, the FIRST action on her part should be to talk to the husband (and vice versa). The only way to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. If you become enraged every time your spouse tries to talk to you, you are pushing away an opportunity to fix a problem. Take time out and actually LISTEN. Marriage is not an argument or a punishment unless you make it one.

There are clearly a lot of other things to consider. Bad choices are going to made regardless of how thorough you plan; that's life. You wouldn't go on a 1,500 mile road trip without putting some thought into it and your marriage should be thought of in the same way. By planning and talking, the aim is to minimize the possible obstacles by first identifying them and getting them out in the open before they reach a critical, war-type, level.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

[tallcoolone 102]

Is this a Male or Female Posting?

You say my wife in the thread, then bottom of Signature says HappyDancer is a "She"

People will live their lives and run their marriages the way they want to.

Most of this post is non sense in my opinion.....

[rheanick 42]

Who cleans the toilet and the house! Its the Cleaning lady!

Holidays.. He has to work hard so he could afford 5 stars hotel for our trips...

Money.... No Money! No Honey!

[AngelSaint 0]

Saying "I DO" is the start of saying "I WILL"... It's not one man's soul but it's two souls in a body...

[MikenKyhen 0]

Is this a Male or Female Posting?

You say my wife in the thread, then bottom of Signature says HappyDancer is a "She"

People will live their lives and run their marriages the way they want to.

Most of this post is non sense in my opinion.....

I gotta agree with ya there.. "wow"

[pnrmbr975 1]

Is this a Male or Female Posting?

You say my wife in the thread, then bottom of Signature says HappyDancer is a "She"

OP, it's best to name your source.

[Raeka 0]

Enjoyed reading it.

So before you say "I Do", make sure you have at least considered these:

• Ability to Compromise: There are subtle changes that most people can make in their lives in order to make their spouse happy. This is part of the never ending compromise phase that is critical. When single, I'd watch football games at bars every Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Thursday). Once married, I toned it down to one day. This is a manageable change that I was willing to make. However, had my wife insisted that I give up all sports entirely, I would have resisted and eventually resented her. That resent would have spread and ultimately influenced my overall attitude towards her. The same is true for just about everything. The willingness of the other person to compromise today (of the lack thereof) and your reaction to it will prove to be a precedent setting event. If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. Don't be shocked and appalled by it when it happens three years from now- you knew this going in and you accepted it!

• Money - Yes, we all want it but once we have it who controls it. My wife started direct depositing her paychecks into my account after 3 months of dating. I actually don't recommend that so soon but she was bad with money and she admitted it. For us, it was a matter of getting our credit into shape (we had 640 credit and back then, now its 850 836) and we needed a strategy to pay off college and personal debt. Once that debt was paid off and we moved into our house, I turned the finances back over to her after a crash course in on time payments and credit. I never looked back. I enjoyed the strategy part of it but not the day-to-day grind of bill paying. She actually enjoyed it because as a stay at home Mom, it gave her the insight she needed to plan for grocery purchases, clothes for the kids, etc. So before you get hitched, what is your plan today and 5 years from now? Who is handling what?

• Who cleans the toilets? - Toilets and the remainder of the housework is a constant issue. It all needs to get done and it's not the most fun. Setup a plan for this in the beginning. My suggestion is a weekly rotation - perhaps you'll come up with something different. The point of this is to set the expectation on both sides so that someone doesn't feel like a housekeeper. Chores need to be shared regardless of the work and income situation. Being a woman doesn't mean the wife has to handle at all.

• The plan: In talking to people, it became pretty apparent that their initial goals were in line but after the kids are born and careers take off, there is a fork in the road. I agree that all plans change and there is no way to write a script for your marriage but a lot of the confusion can be removed by having a 1, 3, 6 and 9 year plan. You should have this conversation now and then revisit it all the time. This does not mean you only review goals at these intervals. These are simply due dates. I am often questioned as to why 1,3,6,9. o 1 Year Plan: This one is obvious. After the wedding, where will you live, where will you eventually live. Who handles what, what is the combined income, what can we afford etc. o At 3 years: You are no longer newlyweds and you are perhaps considering kids. Heck, you may already have a kid at this point. You need a plan for that, a plan for who works, who stays home, what type of daycare, etc. This is also around the time that your first condo or "couple's house" loses it appeal. What kind of house do we want? Where? Can we afford that? How are the schools? What is Plan B if someone gets fired? Do we know what utilities cost? o 6 years: We have all heard of the 7 year itch. Therefore, it stands to reason that you have a plan set with a deadline of 6 years. Where do you want the marriage to be in 6 years? Communication habits, sex life, careers...everything. Talk about it now and periodically consider making adjustments based on the the success of your approach. Plans are meant to be changed. o 9 years: Again, where do you want to the marriage to be in 9 years? Why? What will life be like? How many kids will we have by then? Are we sending them to public school? What if someone's parent dies?

• Holidays - Just discuss how and where you will celebrate holidays. This is a battle for nearly everyone I know.

• Discipline - Are we spanking the kids, are we talking and coaching or are we doing both? No matter how happy you are now, if you're against physical discipline and your spouse is not, you will slowly learn to resent and dislike him/her each time a spanking is doled out. Discuss it NOW and avoid a surprise.

• Ok, religion - How important is it and how will we teach the kids?

• Communications, cheating - I don't care how many conversations you have, no one will ever openly state that they "may cheat". A key here is to be undoubtedly sure that the precedent is set for open communication. If a wife is not happy, the FIRST action on her part should be to talk to the husband (and vice versa). The only way to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. If you become enraged every time your spouse tries to talk to you, you are pushing away an opportunity to fix a problem. Take time out and actually LISTEN. Marriage is not an argument or a punishment unless you make it one.

There are clearly a lot of other things to consider. Bad choices are going to made regardless of how thorough you plan; that's life. You wouldn't go on a 1,500 mile road trip without putting some thought into it and your marriage should be thought of in the same way. By planning and talking, the aim is to minimize the possible obstacles by first identifying them and getting them out in the open before they reach a critical, war-type, level.

Edited April 29, 2009 by Raeka

[=FoxyBLUE= 2]

Saying "I DO" is the start of saying "I WILL"... It's not one man's soul but it's two souls in a body...

ahuh!!!

ok.... have to

[MarPhee 1]

thank you for posting ... this would be something we should discuss with my fiance... i enjoyed reading it... shhhhh..mwahs

[mybaby 0]

Thank you so much for your post HappyDancer

[Mrs.Cage 0]

Sis!

Don't bother arguing with some person here who have nothing worthwhile to do but be rude and arrogant to most people here.

Never wrestle with a PIG- you'll just get dirty and the PIG likes it!

Stay pretty, sis

[HappyDancer 7]

Oh wow! How could I have missed posting the source! I am terribly sorry. It's an article that was just forwarded to me.

And Tallcoolone - Didn't you get any from last night? Why are you so cranky? I bet you are miserable you got nothing better to do. I pity your poor unhappy soul.

[HappyDancer 7]

tallcoolone - Oh by the way,i f you think this post is nonsense, then that's fine. You are very much free to express your thoughts. Nevertheless, I don't need your approval on this one. So hate me and my posts all you want. I love attention and you hate that. Hahaha! So... DUH!

[alienlovechild 75]

Sis!

Don't bother arguing with some person here who have nothing worthwhile to do but be rude and arrogant to most people here.

Never wrestle with a PIG- you'll just get dirty and the PIG likes it!

Stay pretty, sis

You make me laugh ...simple lang pero rock!!! I like your metaphor here sis.

Edited April 30, 2009 by alienlovechild