Spouses going home to visit and coming home different

[Aymsgirl 0]

Hi everybody! I would like to know if you any of you have any experience with your spouse visiting their home country and coming home different. How did you handle it?

[MrsAmera 41]

Yes yes yes. Youssef has gone home every year that he has been here (trip number 3 coming up in 2 weeks.) The first time he went alone for a little over 3 weeks RIGHT after I had Khalil (literally about 3 weeks after he was born). The second time he went with Khalil first for 2.5 weeks and I went for about 10 days and we came back together. This time he'll be gone a month with Khalil. So the breakdown;

Trip 1 - His first time back, commiserated with friends, spent time with family very sad to come back to the US but missed us. He was a little homesick but to be honest I had some PPD and didn't really pay much attention. Shortly afterwards we moved cross country and that change was one he had wanted.

Trip 2 - While I was there and after we returned he had a lot of negative feelings about Morocco, about how things are handled, how life is etc. I really felt like the style and rythm of life in the US had finally got to him and he was a little more cynical about Morocco. A few months later his BIL passed away and then he was ready to move back to Morocco full time. This too passed but it's been several months now of I can't wait to go home.

Trip 3 - This is coming and he can't wait to leave. I really thought by this time (3.5 years) he would start to assimilate but I find that he just lives for the time when he can go back to Morocco. I've sort of come to the understanding that the US will never be home for him and he will never be happy living here full time. He never wanted to leave Morocco and left only because of me and the possibility of a better future. However now with the way things are here, I don't think that future is so bright for him. The one difference is that he now talks about "what I am going to do when I come home from Morocco". He says he wants to enroll in university and is adjusting his work schedule accordingly. We have plans for this summer (kids with grandparents). So I'm hoping we'll be able to reconnect and hash out his feelings about "home".

Sorry for being windy just thought I'd put in as much as I could.

[Meriem_DZ 37]

I can't get Hachemi to go home and visit. I have handed him the money twice to go home and he said, "not now, let's just do something for us with the money." When I mention going and visiting, he just says no, not now. He misses his family, but he does not miss Algeria. He loves it here in the US. He talks with them on the webcam for several hours on the weekends so I guess it keeps him from being homesick. I would love to go and see his family. Expecially now since his brother and wife, just had a baby girl. It is the first grandchild for Hachemi's parents.

Meriem

[allousa 1]

Hicham came back somewhat different after he had been stuck over there for the four years. While he was over there, he was so eager to get back to the States and complained alot about Morocco. But now that he's been here a year, he complains about life here and how things are so much better in Morocco. I tell him he needs to figure out what it is he wants to do with his life and find his happy with that...moving back and forth is just geography and isn't going to change his situation.

I am concerned about what he is going to be like when he goes home for a month in July.

Hicham and I have been together nine years now and we are still struggling with some of the same issues. I really think it has more to do with his difficulty in finding his career path, if that makes sense. I think he's more unsettled within himself than he is physically living.

[MsMariah 0]

eek! Hubby hasn't gotten here yet but I do worry because he has told me a few times that if I would move there or somewhere ME he would be happy, he is really worried about the culture. And if he gets worried about something then I would be neurotic. He's said a few things that make me really worried, like about where he doesn't want me to work, which from his idea seems to include just about everywhere.

But glad to know that some guys adjust well, I just know it's going to be a bit shocking for my hubby and I live in a conservative super small town. But you know when they think tank tops and shorts are obscene well, it's not gonna be pretty.

And about him coming home different, just HOW different do you mean?

[MrsAmera 41]

Allousa - that's the same advice I've given my husband. We even moved from my family in WI to DC because he envisioned a bigger city would be better (I'll admit there's def some cons to living here vs small town WI). I too am tired of the back and forth. When Youssef comes home he's usually happy for a few months then drops back into how much better Morocco is and how hard life here is. However in our case my husband never really experienced life in Morocco. He was taken care of financially by his family and when he came here we had to work to support ourselves (obviously) as well as my son and another son shortly after (1 year) his arrival.

[Nagishkaw 510]

I'll let you know. Mine is due back in a few weeks, God willing.

[Sandrila 1]

Tasha

I am curious as to the changes in your husband.

My hubby has just gotten here a little over 5 months ago.. We plan to go together in 2010.

He, ideally would like to stay a month. Myself...probably can only swing about 2 weeks.

Such an adjustment once they come, I can't imagine having more issues when they go home to visit.

I am relieved to know ISSUES aren't just surrounding my relationship.

I want to give us all a GROUP HUG

[Jill/Mosaad 0]

I do believe that most middle eastern men have big misconceptions about life in America... They think all Americans are "rich" and as if to say we having money just rolling out of our pockets. is there a better opportunity for my husband in America? absolutely! but... he has no concept of working, which scares me. I am going back to America without a dime to my name, I have to re-establish myself completely. and I certainly need his help.. I continue to wonder if he is going to stay in this "fantasy like" dream of arriving there, and things just given to him on a sliver platter.

I often think also... once the newness wears off of all the thrill of this... all that will be left is him wanting to retuen back to Egypt. He's made several comments that have made me think that he is not going to live his life long term there. And.. we are not even in America yet.. and he has told me many times, he will return here every year to visit with his family, which is fine of course, and understandable... but you see... iinstead of thinking about future plans with his life in US.... hes already thinking about when hes going to return here to visit...

So.. I dont know...I have a happy relationship.. but I stay sad on the inside alot and keep it to myself .. my feelings about this .

I suppose we will just have to see what the outcome will be once we get back

[Sandrila 1]

I do believe that most middle eastern men have big misconceptions about life in America... They think all Americans are "rich" and as if to say we having money just rolling out of our pockets. is there a better opportunity for my husband in America? absolutely! but... he has no concept of working, which scares me. I am going back to America without a dime to my name, I have to re-establish myself completely. and I certainly need his help.. I continue to wonder if he is going to stay in this "fantasy like" dream of arriving there, and things just given to him on a sliver platter.

I often think also... once the newness wears off of all the thrill of this... all that will be left is him wanting to retuen back to Egypt. He's made several comments that have made me think that he is not going to live his life long term there. And.. we are not even in America yet.. and he has told me many times, he will return here every year to visit with his family, which is fine of course, and understandable... but you see... iinstead of thinking about future plans with his life in US.... hes already thinking about when hes going to return here to visit...

So.. I dont know...I have a happy relationship.. but I stay sad on the inside alot and keep it to myself .. my feelings about this .

I suppose we will just have to see what the outcome will be once we get back

Jill I can relate, even tho my hubby is from Maroc I get the same feeling and frustration from him regarding life here. You mentioned money flowing out of our pockets....i.e. an endless supply and plentiful resources of cash....LOL DREAM ON

I had to, at one time, re-establish myself here. I gave up everything and sacrificed so much to get him here. I love him, of course, it goes without saying BUT now that he is here he sees how hard it is to keep up with everything. I am just returning to the full time work force over these last 2 years. I stayed at home and raised my 3 kids (contributing part time toward the household back then) Not only am I building myself up (which I have done ALONE for the last 3 years) but he is starting from scratch too. I know he wants this and that. I know he wants to show people back home how great he is living and "living large". I know his life is far better here than there but sometimes it doesn't seem like it is enough. I mean it can't all happen at once. You take little steps and accomplishments come one by one.

Certainly now that he is working he is more aware of money and how it is spent. He is more aware that as soon as you make it, it goes. God Bless him he is doing great with the job he has now and he is a hard worker. His additional income has helped us so much, and honestly speaking, we may be only "making ends meet" but we are living fine. We have what we need and we have each other....THANK GOD!

[AlHayatZween 2]

Yes, i'm interested in reading more about this, too.

My husband came last July. He misses home immensely, but still doesn't have the Morocco-is-better thing. i am encouraging him to take a trip home this summer, but he is reluctant to go back. i won't be able to go with him this time, but i worry that if he doesn't take the opportunity this summer, it will be a long time without seeing his family.

i'm worried though... i'm worried he'll come back and realize that i kinda stink at being a good wife--i mean, i can't do half the stuff the women at home do, in terms of being a good Muslim and cook really yummy food and all that good stuff.

[sara535 15]

My husband has been home twice and to France to visit his sister once (mom was there too at that time) and has been here for 4 and a half years. I think he would like to go more often but between school, work, finances, baby, etc it just doesnt happen. I have noticed that the times he 'wants to go back' and experiences extreme homesickness is when he gets discouraged about how things are going here - i.e. he didnt get the raise he expected at work, or his school classes are way more challenging than he anticipated. Suddenly the slow pace of Morocco doesnt seem so bad

I will say, though, that it cant be easy for anyone to uproot to a totally different culture and in my opinion the ease or difficulty has a lot to do with the personality and nature of the immigrant. My husband just is NOT a mellow laid back or patient person. Adjustment and getting settled has been very difficult at times. I would say it was more than 2 years before his feet were on the ground here. and of course I know there are people on here for whom the adjustment was waaaayyy easier - but I would say that those people were probably more mellow and adaptable to begin with.

but anyway, Tasha to answer your question, I never noticed any big change related to visits home because 2 of those trips came during the peak of all the adjustment issues and 'challenges' anyway so it all kind of blurs together now ....

I hope things are ok for you:)

[chaishai 1]

Hi everybody! I would like to know if you any of you have any experience with your spouse visiting their home country and coming home different. How did you handle it?

my husband is different before he goes, and different when he comes back. it is like a pendulum. before he goes he is excited, missing everyone, wanting to stay for 3 weeks minimum, etc. when we are there in the beginning it is fun, then he starts to get annoyed by his family. when we come back, he says that he doesnt want to go there again for another 3 years. then eventually he gets over it and the cycle continues. although i have noticed that he holds the "grudge" a bit longer now.

its the same story when people come to visit us, at first let them come for two months! then at one point he didnt want them coming for more than two weeks. i think he is back up to a month now.

also we always fight big time before we/he goes but everything is fine when we/he get back or while we are there. same for when someone is coming to visit us. i think he gets stressed about taking care of everyone beforehand and it just comes out and we fight.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Yes, i'm interested in reading more about this, too.

My husband came last July. He misses home immensely, but still doesn't have the Morocco-is-better thing. i am encouraging him to take a trip home this summer, but he is reluctant to go back. i won't be able to go with him this time, but i worry that if he doesn't take the opportunity this summer, it will be a long time without seeing his family.

i'm worried though... i'm worried he'll come back and realize that i kinda stink at being a good wife--i mean, i can't do half the stuff the women at home do, in terms of being a good Muslim and cook really yummy food and all that good stuff.

what are women able to do in other places that women cannot do here, in regards to being good muslims? i've felt limited by myself before, but never considered my location to be a factor. living in the us has never interfered with praying, fasting, or fulfilling any other of my religious duties. this is one of the stranger things i've read here in awhile. how exactly is one hindered because of their address?

Edited April 27, 2009 by chemaatah

[Noble Time 0]

YES. YES. YES.

When I go back visiting my family, I recognize myself that I FEEL different much less my spouce recognize it. The culture is different and you feel it, guess it's hard for someone who isn't multicultural and hasn't brought in different cultures to understand it. It's amazing how different cultures bring different qualities you, just like languages. I feel a totally different person when when speaking with my family, in a different language.

Edited April 27, 2009 by Noble Time