Do you think it's possible to never notice anything at all?

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't think it has to do with loving someone more, its about being logical about a situation. I think you'd fish out all of the evidence beforehand. I consider you to be a pretty logical person. I mean maybe they have the wrong guy right? It would suck if they took him away and you just left and then found out it was a case of mistaken identity.

"Oh well... I just decided now would be a good time to visit the parents... I'll be back home tomorrow"

[trailmix 77]

This reminded me of something - this is a friend of someone I know (will now be referred to as friend's friend = ff).

FF is dating this guy - it's all good, have been exclusive since about January.

FF finds his unattended cell phone a few weeks ago and looks at his email. He has exchanged a few emails with a woman he met last summer at some - thing - nothing untoward - except - she will be in town this month for a few days, would he like to get together for dinner? He says sure.

He mentions NOTHING about this to FF.

Now backing up a bit, she finds out that they have been exchanging emails since at least last December - again, nothing untoward (generally) - however in all of these emails he never once mentions FF. So like, oh yeah I went on holiday, not - my girlfriend and I went on holiday.

FF says nothing to him, she is waiting to see if he goes ahead to dinner. She asks him to go to dinner on that same night with her and another couple - he says sure, i'd like that.

In viewing his emails again she finds out that the other woman was busy so cancelled.

Long story short, when she finds this out she confronts him, he assures her that it was all completely nothing, innocent.

Edited April 23, 2009 by trailmix

[thetreble 19]

Divorce!!!

I don't know, guys. I'm a no bs kinda person. I feel like I don't have enough time in my life to plays games with any one, even my husband. If FF were me, I would have confronted him early on. If it had continued, I would have been out the door.

[Flames9_RN 358]

The thing with these people, they don't see it as wrong, they don't see things the way a "normal" (whatever that is) person sees things! It can be quite interesting to speak to them. i enjoyed my Psych rotation fair bit,lol

[Udella&Wiz 325]

a) FF was already suspicious of she wouldn't have delved into the unattended phone/email...right?

B) like Amanda - I would have addressed it early on...why beat around the bush?

c) Any person who isn't open and honest in what they do with their SO has a problem. you don't keep things from them, you don't gloss over certain details.

That said - partial knowledge can be a dangerous thing too! wouldn't want tor ead anything into those emails

For myself - I was badly burned by my daughter's father's behaviour. His sneakyness and behaviour has led me to be suspicious beyond the norm and I always wonder if someone is being true to me. My husband knew this from the get go and has always been careful in letting me know everything up front...he knows that I have a harder time trusting then some probably. After 4 yrs though, we'e gotten through a lot of issues and on his end...I recognize the fact that he, himself, has not done anything untrustworthy - so I try to separate past from present!

[trailmix 77]

a) FF was already suspicious of she wouldn't have delved into the unattended phone/email...right?

B) like Amanda - I would have addressed it early on...why beat around the bush?

c) Any person who isn't open and honest in what they do with their SO has a problem. you don't keep things from them, you don't gloss over certain details.

That said - partial knowledge can be a dangerous thing too! wouldn't want tor ead anything into those emails

For myself - I was badly burned by my daughter's father's behaviour. His sneakyness and behaviour has led me to be suspicious beyond the norm and I always wonder if someone is being true to me. My husband knew this from the get go and has always been careful in letting me know everything up front...he knows that I have a harder time trusting then some probably. After 4 yrs though, we'e gotten through a lot of issues and on his end...I recognize the fact that he, himself, has not done anything untrustworthy - so I try to separate past from present!

That's the thing here I think - I don't know that she was suspicious of him in particular - however she has been burned a couple of times so is probably generally suspicious now.

[Krikit 1,163]

That's a hard one, Trailmix. If there's no sexual or romantic intent with the visiting friend, then I'd treat it like any other friend. I never bothered telling anyone I was dating all my comings and goings and plans with other people, whether they were male or female. If it came up, it came up. If it didn't, it didn't. The thing is, if you're going to be suspicious with every twist and turn, and if you feel that someone is untrustworthy, then you're going to be facing a miserable existence with that person. Doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

[trailmix 77]

That's a hard one, Trailmix. If there's no sexual or romantic intent with the visiting friend, then I'd treat it like any other friend. I never bothered telling anyone I was dating all my comings and goings and plans with other people, whether they were male or female. If it came up, it came up. If it didn't, it didn't. The thing is, if you're going to be suspicious with every twist and turn, and if you feel that someone is untrustworthy, then you're going to be facing a miserable existence with that person. Doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

Yeah I agree, this is going to be an issue.

[Emancipation 2]

Hubby & I are very deliberate with our friendships.. I don't have guy friends (not that I hang out without him) and he doesn't have girl friends. Our friends who were of the opposite sex before we were married now are "our" friends and if we hang out/talk with them it's in a together context. I have a great guy friend who hubby's developed a really great relationship with, and they chat more than I do now tee hee.. But that's what we've agree to, and that's the expectation, and both of us have agreed to that, so it works for both of us.

so if this happened with hubby & I, I would be totally hurt & feel betrayed.. Could it be that the hubby in this case has an expectation or reality about friendships with the opposite sex that is different than FF? It could be suspicious, or it could just have never crossed his mind that FF might not agree with his approach or views on friendships with the opposite sex. Or.. it could be more sinister, but without some sort of negotiation or prior conversation about the issue, it'd be hard to really know what it was.. I guess talking it out is the only way to get to the bottom of it.

Edited April 23, 2009 by Emancipation

[Sprailenes 47]

Same here.

You know speaking of thinking something is going on, my MIL actually accused me of possibly cheating on my husband because I was having conversations with my friend on facebook. I had to actually delete and block her because she was apparently asking my husband about my friend whom I spoke with a lot. She saw something wrong with it. Um my friend is gay.

She had no clue, I never told her, it was none of her business. But here she was raising hell because I was chatty with another man. My husband had no concerns at all about it, he knew who my friend was.

She didn't even ask me about it at all, she went straight to my husband. That annoyed me.

[JillA 2]

OK this story keeps getting crazier!! http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=7408505&page=1

[trailmix 77]

Same here.

You know speaking of thinking something is going on, my MIL actually accused me of possibly cheating on my husband because I was having conversations with my friend on facebook. I had to actually delete and block her because she was apparently asking my husband about my friend whom I spoke with a lot. She saw something wrong with it. Um my friend is gay.

She had no clue, I never told her, it was none of her business. But here she was raising hell because I was chatty with another man. My husband had no concerns at all about it, he knew who my friend was.

She didn't even ask me about it at all, she went straight to my husband. That annoyed me.

Wow!

Yeah I suppose one other thing, that I didn't mention - when an email was exchanged about their holiday - the boyfriend specifically mentioned their other friends that had gone with them, as in - Oh I went on holiday with so and so and this other person - it was fun - but no mention of ff.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea I would find that weird. I remember when I found out my husband hadn't told his friends about me. I forget how it came up but I found out somehow and I remember feeling a little bummed. The truth is, I was pretty much my husbands first girlfriend, and he didn't know how to explain the whole "Met on the internet" thing. I understood that. But in FF"s case it's a totally different set of circumstances. I would question it.

On another topic of holding assumptions..

My husband and I don't wear our wedding rings and people always seem to mention that. People assume we're not okay. The truth is, I hate jewelery and his ring was always a couple of sizes too big and he never got around to sizing it down. Its the reason we didn't spend a fortune on the bands themselves, because I knew we would end up not wearing them. It doesn't bother either of us, but it seems to bother the people around us.

[trailmix 77]

Yea I would find that weird. I remember when I found out my husband hadn't told his friends about me. I forget how it came up but I found out somehow and I remember feeling a little bummed. The truth is, I was pretty much my husbands first girlfriend, and he didn't know how to explain the whole "Met on the internet" thing. I understood that. But in FF"s case it's a totally different set of circumstances. I would question it.

On another topic of holding assumptions..

My husband and I don't wear our wedding rings and people always seem to mention that. People assume we're not okay. The truth is, I hate jewelery and his ring was always a couple of sizes too big and he never got around to sizing it down. Its the reason we didn't spend a fortune on the bands themselves, because I knew we would end up not wearing them. It doesn't bother either of us, but it seems to bother the people around us.

Interesting! I see nothing strange in that at all. I wear my rings, but my Husband doesn't even have one.

[Sprailenes 47]

I see nothing wrong with it either. I told him not to get me an engagement ring, but he did. I keep it in a safe place. My coworkers are have asked me a few times why I don't wear it. I just don't.

I also break out into insane rashes and yes I have tried surgical steel and everything else, I put a ring on and I just get weird bumps and hives on my hands. It's pretty gross.