Do you think it's possible to never notice anything at all?

[WalkonWildSide 0]

I'm not judging any one and yes I do agree it's easy to sit here and say "wow that person was stupid". However, I can honestly say that my husband couldn't spend $40,000.00 of my money (or the bank's) without me knowing about it.

What did she spend the money on? Clothes, shoes, jewelry, tangible items? If all of sudden my SO has a bunch of new shoes, I would notice.

Now if someone went to Vegas with the credit card and had a wild weekend, you might not know for a while.

But if she was spending all of this money, MAYBE she was spending it to GET his attention. He wasn't paying attention, so she was trying to do something to grab his attention.

[thetreble 19]

She spent the money on clothing and jewelery, etc.

Whether or not she was spending money to get his attention, it was still extremely wrong. They were so in debt that he actually was forced to put their home up for sale once he found out.

If my husband isn't paying attention to me, I'd rather talk to him about it and see if we can find a solution instead of spending a ton of money and hiding it from him.

[Reba 2]

What works for some people doesn't work for others. If she was able to rack up $40k in debt in a year (that's all?!) on shopping for shoes and jewelry, she's got more than just a communication problem with her husband. Shopping can be just as much an addiction as gambling, alcohol or cocaine. And just as destructive.

Hate to say it, but I think it is quite possible for the same sort of thing to happen to any one of us, no matter how open and honest you think your relationship is, there are always parts of your spouse's life you're not going to know about.

Hell, I've known people who refused to aknowledge that their spouse smoked cigarettes! And you CANNOT hide that smell on your clothes no matter what you do! It is just not possible. But they come home "oh, we stopped at the bar for a couple beers after work" or "I went to Bobby's place to pick up some tools...boy he sure can smoke a lot in half an hour! whew!"

It happens.

[Sprailenes 47]

I agree reba.

My ex spent $52,000 he got from an insurance claim in 5 months. I was pregnant when he did this. When our son was born, he had nothing left. I asked him about buying a crib and he looked at me and told me that he had nothing left. He had a million excuses too. Yes we bought a house, but we only put 5,000 down for it. That was my first warning sign, but as a young mother in college what was I to do? He said we'd be fine, and we were... or so I thought. I mean we had food, a nice home in North Bay, and pretty much everything we needed for us to look okay from the outside.

He didn't do drugs or drink, he was addicted to buying rare cds and records and other music items. When it came to buying anything for Ethan, he would ask his grandma for money instead of using our own. When it came to paying the mortgage I found out later that his dad was paying it.

Our money would go to his music addiction and his entire family enabled him. When he'd bring home diapers and clothes, I would think it was our money, and I'd assume we were okay. Yes he was bringing some of his music findings into the home, but when you see a record you don't assume it costs 500.00. I didn't. He would lie, he had things stashed away... I never thought to look in old boxes in our basement to find bags and bags of new cds and music paraphernalia. But his sister showed me it just before I left. He cheated and he lied. When he went out for coffee, I assumed he was gone out for coffee, I didn't think he was banging some other girl on a picnic table in the park.

We trust... when you trust you normally don't think to question.

I feel like our entire relationship was a lie.

So it is possible and sometimes you just are clueless. I was clueless for two years. Yea I felt like a moron, but I learned a lot from that situation. That entire relationship changed my view on SO many things. I was a different person at the end of it, and I do feel like I came out on top because of the things I learned. It just took me about a year after the fact to realize it and appreciate it.

[Sprailenes 47]

Also even if there are warning signs we're blinded by love.

I look back on everything that happened in that relationship and it changes your perception. You saw it one way for so long and then you leave and you see the other sides, but it takes accepting to see those other sides. That's a process. It doesn't just happen.

I don't think people who are in love want to see the people they love in a bad light that's obvious. Sometimes the signs are there but we just don't want to see them. Other times we just don't see them at all.

My question is... could you and would you stand by someone like this and for how long?

Would you cut your losses right away? Would you try to gather all of the evidence you can before making a decision? Would you try to stick up for him in the media?

I imagine it's so hard.

[JillA 2]

Also even if there are warning signs we're blinded by love.

I look back on everything that happened in that relationship and it changes your perception. You saw it one way for so long and then you leave and you see the other sides, but it takes accepting to see those other sides. That's a process. It doesn't just happen.

I don't think people who are in love want to see the people they love in a bad light that's obvious. Sometimes the signs are there but we just don't want to see them. Other times we just don't see them at all.

My question is... could you and would you stand by someone like this and for how long?

Would you cut your losses right away? Would you try to gather all of the evidence you can before making a decision? Would you try to stick up for him in the media?

I imagine it's so hard.

I agree with you 100%! My last relationship before this one was volatile, looking back. At the time I was in denial about everything and wanted to believe him when he was telling me lies. My heart knew they were lies, but I chose to believe him. So one day I'm on our computer and I found an e-mail he had sent to his ex-GF that I was sure he still had feelings for stating she was really his soulmate and he couldn't wait to be with her again.... she lived out of Canada at the time and was waiting for her to come back. It crushed me and when I confronted him, he cried and said it wasn't true what he wrote to her, he really loved me and begged to give him a second chance. I did, stupidly! Love is so freaking blind and stupid I had no clue how dumb I was. The signs were there alright but I chose to ignore them. The breaking point came when we were discussing what would happen if I became pregnant and he said that if I didn't get an abortion, he'd break up with me as he was never wanting to be a father. The day he said that I dumped him and never looked back. Looking back, I'm like how the hell was I so blind and stupid? All the signs were there he wanted to get back with his ex and I chose to ignore them and play the fool. He was wrong for me in every way, but I pretended to only see the good and ignore the bad.

[Reba 2]

My ex spent all his and my money on cocaine and beer. I left him, but for some stupid reason believed him when he said he'd take care of the house and mortgage (we couldn't sell it because the market took a dip and we wouldn't have made back what we paid for it). He rented it out to his "friend", but he never paid the bills, and the bank foreclosed. I figured he'd have been putting the rent money right in the bank, which he told me he was. I should have checked up on him, but I didn't.

I seriously wanted to murder him when I was served with the legal papers from the bank. I really did.

Live and learn.

I was talking to James about this last night, and he said there is no way that I could know what he's doing all day long while I'm at work. He said he could just get in his truck and drive up the mountain, hack someone to death, and still be home for supper. And I would never know a thing.

Of course, he's too lazy to do that, but he *could*.

[thetreble 19]

Oh I agree. I totally agree that we never know what our spouses are doing for x number of hours in a day. It's totally possible to get away with something really awful.

Your stories are all really interesting and informative. I think it's possible for any one to get anything by you, I guess what I was just saying from a personal stand point and how I am, there is no way my husband could spend my money without knowing it. I monitor my credit cards, our bank accounts, my bank account, etc. almost daily. He could spend his own money or if he had a credit card that I don't know about...sure. But this woman was spending this guy's money and using their joint credit cards. I understand that he probably didn't think anything of it until he found out and he was in total shock.

I felt so bad for him, I really did. He started to question their whole marriage...and the poor guy didn't know what to do as the sole bread winner.

I will cross my fingers and hope that none of this stuff ever happens to me.

As for the fiancee of the guy they now have in custody for the murders, I'd be gone as soon as he was arrested. In fact, I'd want to be put somewhere he couldn't find me. I could never love someone enough to stand by them if they had killed someone, especially for fear they'd come after me.

[trailmix 77]

I could max out our credit cards and my Husband wouldn't know - technically. Although there would be a lot of new stuff being delivered to the house

He doesn't monitor the credit, I pay all the bills and do all money 'stuff'. I can't see why he would want to be interested, I would be happy to hand over the whole thing to him as well.

This reminds me of a Suze Orman/Oprah thing I saw a few weeks ago, basically it was - can you afford what you want (whether it was a new kitchen or a wedding).

One of the couples there were getting married, the female had 30 or 40 thousand in student loans that she had not even told her fiance about (they had a lot of other credit debt as well). He learned about it when Oprah's producers told him before the show.

So on the show the fiancee was all sweetness and light and kind of a i'm too cute to take my credit seriously and when the guy was questioned by Oprah he actually tried to make some lame excuse for the girl - something like well he kind of knew but it was a misunderstanding - lol

Oprah then reminded him of how astounded he had been when the producers told him, he didn't really have anything to say to that.

Edited April 23, 2009 by trailmix

[thetreble 19]

I guess in many families one person is responsible for the bills and payments, etc. I do more than my husband does, but he still does some stuff as well. I grew up seeing my dad hand his paycheck to my mum every 2 weeks and it always bothered me a little so I Wanted to get away from that.

I'm a big believer in not rushing into any major committment with a whole rack of debt on your shoulders. Most every one has small debts but how do you start a life with someone when you both, together, are already 50, 60K in debt? It really does amaze me.

[Sprailenes 47]

I think that I would wait until all the evidence comes in before leaving. If he got arrested of course at first I wouldn't believe it, and of course I would think they had the wrong person. But I would just wait it out a bit. I would want to speak to Mike personally and ask him questions but I know it would be hard to get straight answers. But I would wait it out. I could see myself taking a ride down denial.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea even though I had problems in the past with my boyfriend and finances, and for the record he didn't put us into any debt (thank god) he just put himself into debt. I never allowed my name to go on anything else but MY student loans. My husband now takes care of our finances, I am perfectly happy allowing him to do so. I look at our bank statements once in a while, but I am mostly ignorant to most of it. I follow the budget and thats about it. So he could be racking up tons of debt and I wouldn't know it. I would probably just walk out if he did... go back to Canada.

'Screw you a$$hole' is what I would say. For richer or poorer my a$$.

[JillA 2]

I think that I would wait until all the evidence comes in before leaving. If he got arrested of course at first I wouldn't believe it, and of course I would think they had the wrong person. But I would just wait it out a bit. I would want to speak to Mike personally and ask him questions but I know it would be hard to get straight answers. But I would wait it out. I could see myself taking a ride down denial.

Me too, first the arrest I would stand by my man. Then when the evidence started pouring in and they found the victims panties in his apartment, guns and ties, I would run as far as I could!

[Sprailenes 47]

But to be honest if anyone was going to rack up debt behind someones back it would probably be me. I don't do it, I wouldn't do it, but if one of us did, it would probably be me because I love to shop.

He keeps me in line though when it comes to our budget and I stick to it. I keep him in line with putting things into the laundry basket instead of on the floor. We compliment eachother.

I think that I would wait until all the evidence comes in before leaving. If he got arrested of course at first I wouldn't believe it, and of course I would think they had the wrong person. But I would just wait it out a bit. I would want to speak to Mike personally and ask him questions but I know it would be hard to get straight answers. But I would wait it out. I could see myself taking a ride down denial.

Me too, first the arrest I would stand by my man. Then when the evidence started pouring in and they found the victims panties in his apartment, guns and ties, I would run as far as I could!

Yea I think I'd move to Sweden. He'd never find me there.

[thetreble 19]

Well, maybe you guys just love your spouses more than I do. If Jared had to ever put on the bracelets, I'd be back to Canada in a heart beat.

I like to monitor the money. Maybe it's a control issue. But I like to see where it is going. I like to ask Jared questions about our finances too so that we can just be held in the loop.