Very poor communication

[T_and_A 3]

sorry guys... This may be long... its just that this is my only way that i can bring my feelings out... with someone actually listening.. to true genuine feelings. I really need help thru good and sound advice. U need not read the entire thing but just read the last paragraph where I ask my questions and where i need help on... but to understand where im coming from, you can read on. I appreciate all comments in advance.

May 20 - almost midnight...

I was actually awakened by a very bad dream - I felt it was so real, and I woke up to myself. found my husband still awake on the edge of the bed - doing something in his computer. I tried to calm myself down and rolled on the bed... tried hard to go back to sleep. Tried harder - I couldn't. I was feeling so bothered, since pregnant, I've been getting bad heartburn, everyday worse <that's why i always have antacid handy>, so I decided to get up and get a cold water for a drink. Still i couldn't go back to sleep. I wanted it all out. And so I thought about blogging it or post it here in VJ. I decided the latter since I could use a really good advice.

This is actually our 11th monthsary... yay! I am happy. I love my husband a whole lot, I have even convinced myself I love him more than i love myself...yeah. I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him. I guess... just a guess.. this may be where my problem started in the first place...

...back to my dream. I dreamed that I woke up the same night, the same scenario, my husband was there on the edge of the bed, still on his computer. It's 11 pm.. I woke up asking him why he's still awake, what he's doing on his computer that is much important than taking a good night's sleep... no answer. He just sat there and continued with what he was doing... so i got up and tried to peek on his computer. and then he locked it. CTRL ALT DEL. I got so mad. I was so mad, I was crying... and there was a big fight. That's when I woke up..

Reality... Had a usual day... though for me... secretly i was wanting something special to happen, something sweet on this day.. after all, this is our monthsary. He drops me off and picks me up from work but today, he asked me if somehow I could manage to have coworker drop me off at Ross and so he can just pick me up there since his boss is in town and he may not be able to leave work as expected. Fair enough. I managed. I failed my first driving test..and now I only carry a learner's permit. But since my husband is the only one i have here, there's really nobody to rely on. I don't have friends yet that I can consider really friends. I hate being in that situation. Not having friends and not able to drive. Most of it i blame myself especially for failing that drive test <this is actually a different story - funny and disappointing at the same time>. With making friends, I don't think I have problems with people. I actually make friends easily in the Philippines. But here, maybe because my world revolves around my husband like to things together all the time. He drives all the time, whenever, wherever we want to go when we are not working.

Anyway, back to today... on the way home from work, he was really saying he's tired. And I can tell he is tired. I was tired too. From all day's work and having to walk and walk window shopping, while waiting for my husband... to kill the time, carrying my handbag and a big baby in my tummy. We decided to eat out to treat ourselves since its our monthsary anyway and he said he's hungry and Im starting to get hungry too, we couldn't wait long enough to get home and make dinner. And so we did. We did our usual dinner, but as we were eating, there's not much words spoken. I tried to ask him how his day was.. do you love me.. and ask him why his eyes are almost teary and or sparkly.. but not much reply there. I felt disconnected. I have always wanted someone to share how my day was and my partner doing the same thing with me. I have always wanted to make memories, good conversation... just sharing those with someone I thought would be my husband. But i thought i'll just leave it at that... maybe he's just tired.. On the way home, while in the car, still the same thing not much words exchanged. Just sit there in silence... deafening silence. I just tried to close my eyes. And then his phone rang, he answered it - was his ex-wife, as usual. They chatted on the phone for a few minutes. He was giving her advice, where she can go to get some cheap clothes I think (the ex wife left me a message on my celfone earlier that day telling that she needs an oxford shirt, I didn't bother answering anymore. Since about a month ago, I just decided that i don't really want to be friends with her, I tried it but it's so not working for me. I only end up hurting myself more from it.. deep inside. so I just distance myself from that from now on. Try to get myself out of that situation. <this is one major big problem for me too but that's another story I might post here in VJ next time soon since i'm running out of ways to keep it to myself> After he hung up he asked me while trying to rub my hands "are you mad at me for answering the phone?".. I feel at the time, pissed but that scenario is almost always the case...nothing new there, been like that since I got here so i just replied i am not mad at you... there's nothing much I can do about it. And he took his hands away from me and again... the continued silence. I calmed down a bit. I told him "I am not mad at you... It's just that I hate that I'm in this situation. I can't do anything about it. As much as i would like to not want to be in it... that's not really reality... I guess it's just too much to ask not to talk to your ex wife, so sometimes to deal with it I just shut myself down so I don't feel as sad", coz for all the time since I came here, it never really happened even if i do sommersault its really not up to me reality is i have to face and deal with it every day. It's not really up to me. I am not the one in a relationship with his ex wife. and then again...<the one in quote i voiced out, the rest silently in my thoughts> continued silence until we got home. I walked my 2 doggies, that's also most of the time my outlet to my disappointments and frustrations here in US...brings me some joy, always put a smile on my face, makes me forget about it... my two doggies while he... as usual, gets to his computer... doing whatever... he said he's playing his game but i feel like he's doing more. I just tried to watch tv until I fell asleep around 930 pm... with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me>and woke up almost midnight..

Basically, I needed advice on what to do to get my husband to talk to me more... have an open communication with the most important man in my life. We promised each other that even before we got married but i guess it's not happening. I feel like he's so far out there, like climbing a wall just to get to his thoughts...I believe he loves me.. and at first I thought and tried accepting maybe it's just his personality. But I need him to understand that I need that too... I need to connect with him to feel satisfaction out of this marriage. Am i asking too much? OUr communication is so poor. I want to try reaching out more and I just feel like im shut down. with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me.. again.. i just feel shut down and closed from his world. I don't care if he may be watching some nasty things on there... I understand the fact that man will be man... I understand privacy and I respect that a lot. What I don't understand is the way he acts when he tries to close his computer whenever I would want to take a peek. When he wakes up in the morning and looks at it and i come close, and i could almost see his windows, he would ask me to get him coffee or water or anything to get me out of the room and close his windows down... he would only say with a smile... just to torment you...

there.. i think at least i have let go of a third of my worst frustrations in this marriage.... i can go back to sleep now... still have to wake up at 5 to get to daily routine needs in the morning.....

[shang 0]

Communication is the best way of having successful marriage. About dealing with ex wife, the communication between them will be on different level especially if there's kids involve. Even if they are friends, he should also consider what you feel and have some respect. But anyway, spend time with him watching movies or why not once in a while reminisce the day while you aren't married yet, its always nice to look back the day you first meet in short looking back the courtship stage. It should be, courtship doesn't stop even when you are married. DO something special for him, like preparing food, uhm what about writing love notes its kinda mushy but who cares. Bring back the days where he fell in love with you. And please do be careful since you are pregnant.....

God bless

[jom 4]

If you are mad, say it and don't pretend you are not. That is one of the traits of Pinays that needs to improve, we sulk when we are angry with something instead of saying it straight to the person involved. Not to sound offensive but you also have communication problems since you can't even tell your husband what you really feel. I guess you two have a lot of things to work out with your communication skills and if this bothers you a lot, you might as well improve it starting with yourself .

One thing I learned being married to an american is to not beat around the bush..just say what you feel, and they will appreciate it more.

Goodluck and I hope things will get better.

[rheanick 42]

It seems that he is not mad at you. But you have some bad feelings that you want to tell him. Talk to him.

Its OK that your world revolve around your husband. But I would suggest that you have your own life. Have your own set of friends.

[mNr 0]

Tell him that you are mad when he is talking to his ex-wife if they have kids plainly tell him that its ok if they will talk about the welfare of thier kids, but about asking for an advice on where to find a place to buy a shirt? why doesnt she have any friends to call and ask such things why calling your husband? for me its a no no thing.After all they ended thier relationship and if no kids envolve I dont see any reason for them to keep on communicating.Tell your husband what you feel dont keep it to yourself if you think that you cannot say all what you want to say then write it down or send him an email since he likes to spend time on his computer.Dont give up you are both still adjusting,along with the prayers communication is important, so combine those two soon you will see the result.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

He is probably just looking at VJ Off Topic. Nothing to worry about.

Or gay porn. Nothing to worry about.

[Pinay Wife 47]

Hi TandA,

Your feeling of rejection and disconnection may have something to do with your pregnancy. I noticed when I was pregnant that I was more emotional and needed more love and affection. Below is an excerpt from the link provided:

http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/maternit...y/emotions.html

Emotions are often unstable and feelings of depression are not uncommon, often for no apparent reason. It is commonly believed that the mood changes in pregnancy are caused by hormonal changes. The two main hormones that play a major role in pregnancy are estrogen and progesterone. A woman's emotions are characterized by mood swings, which can range from great joy to deep despair. Frequently a woman will become tearful with little cause. When asked why she is crying, she may find it difficult or impossible to give a reason.

This situation is very unsettling for the husband or partner, causing him to feel confused and inadequate. Because the partner may feel unable to handle the woman's tears, he often reacts by withdrawing and ignoring the problem. Since the pregnant woman needs increased love and affection she may perceive her partner as unloving and nonsupportive. Once the couple understands that this behavior is normal in pregnancy it becomes easier for them to deal with although it will be a source of stress to some extent throughout the pregnancy.

It seems your suspicion and hurt started with your bad dream. It's just that, a bad dream. Your husband seems to be a sweet man. Even when you are hurt by what you perceive as his non-affection, you wrote about him in a positive way "he said with a loving smile... just to torment you", "he asked me while trying to rub my hands, "are you mad at me for answering the phone?". Try to remember all the sweet things he has done for you and I know that will put a smile to your face. How about writing here all of the sweet things he has done. I am sure that will lift up your spirit.

Also, if something is bothering you, he will appreciate you more if you told him exactly what you feel. Americans do not know how to handle the silent treatment or "tampo" and are annoyed when we give them the cold shoulder. Honesty is the best policy for them. This may seem aggressive for us Filipinas but that's the way it is here so I encourage you to speak your mind and your heart out.

As for him closing his computer when you take a peek, Americans value their privacy, so give him that space. And as you said, man will be man. We'll just have to accept the fact that majority of them will always be looking at porn.

Cheer up, girl! I believe in my heart that your husband loves you.

[flicker 5]

no spouse should hide anything from the other ,its that simple ,no way around it ,if someone is hideing something then there relationship will definitely fall apart ,its just a matter of time

[Ban Hammer 13,575]

He is probably just looking at VJ Off Topic. Nothing to worry about.

Or gay porn. Nothing to worry about.

[T_and_A 3]

They don't have any kids... nor does he have any kids in the past <at least he said not that he knows of and we both laugh at it> And as far as i know that's one major reason why they divorced in the first place. The baby I'm now carrying is both our firsts. Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything that would put my baby in danger. Sometimes though, I couldn't help getting stressed out and i feel sorry for my baby... I have read about how stress affects the baby... learned when mother is stressed, may release some toxins that are bad for baby... gets scary... so i try to do ways that would make me laugh - most of the time play with my dogs. I am doing my best to make it special everyday... or so i think. I wake up early in the morning to take the dogs out, and then make breakfast and try my best to serve him the food while still warm, waking him up with beakfast in bed and if I haven't ironed his clothes that i also washed on weekends yet, do that too while he's taking shower- - that's everyday. hay naku... kamartiran!! considering that i have never done any of these in the Philippines. My Yayie lives with me, yung nagpalaki sa akin, so I'm kinda pampered. But I have no complaints whatsoever coz I couldn't complain about my decision's consequences to go here and get married. I kinda expected it already and my family also already warned and informed me about it. Yeah, i think i do things a lot for him - all out of love. Sometimes, pagod na pagod na ako, like doing multitasking... you know how we like to do things at the same time, like while waiting for washer, we can do dishwashing, or cleaning up and stuff. Ugh... and picking up his clothes on the floor kahit yung hamper just a few inches away... Geeez.. really unnerves me.. while you do all these things, he's just sitting on his butt and playing on his computer while watching TV... all day! Minsan, natotorete ako... di ko na nga niluluto ng dinner.... and just sulk in again... silence. And he would just say moody daw ako.. di ako pansin kasi hormones na naman daw due to pregnancy.. mas lalo akong napipika. try ko na lang tawanan most of the time.

All my venting now probably is a result of everything left unspoken in the past since i got here. i thought I could dismiss. In truth, I didn't make it a big deal since im new here in US, I was thinking it's still part of the adjusting... and besides i was still observing my then fiance now husband. Since long distance relationship, there's a low chance to really know the person that you love so much. And besides I don't want to be the nagging type. Such a waste of time. So i just try to resolve it first on my end. When i try to talk him to a conversation, he would just sit in silence. would just say... I don't wanna argue with you, though i try to say it in a very gentle calm voice. I feel like I am talking to a wall... that's how it is... so i kinda feel helpless to resolve it.

[sj5 4]

There's nothing wrong to communicate with ex if they have children. Learn to drive so you don't have to procrastinating.

Edited April 21, 2009 by sj5

[T_and_A 3]

I don't think what I'm feeling, how i'm feeling right now are unfounded. Even if I want to believe and deny that there's no basis for all these, lets just say to stay positive, I just want to let it all out. I just don't want to get to the point that I will be pushed to my limit, coz knowing myself... i know i will not look back.

I appreciate everyone who responds... i like to get everybody's insight on things I may be missing... You know it helps me a lot improve myself.

[rheanick 42]

[quote name=

[Ban Hammer 13,575]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

[chinese_mutt 11]

it really may just as well be hormones.

i'm sure he's not doing anything hanky panky with someone else... uhmm... when was the last time you did the matress jig? haha baka kelangan lang nya ng outlet.

anyway, wag ma-stress kawawa si baby!! tska baka pagod lang sya sa work kaya di madaldal. ako personally ganyan ako, pag-pagod sa work yaw ko masyado makipag-usap. you do not need to fill the silence all the time, i-practice mo rin ung maging comfortable kayong dalawa sa isa't isa kahit walang sinasabi. Enjoy mo lang ung presense nya... ganun. Tapos habang buntis ka.. titigan mo lang ng titigan ung asawa mo para maganda or gwapo ung anak mo. Imaginin mo na lang.. diba? Ang cute ng baby mo! hehe. Ganyan, wag masyadong dramatic... sabi ko nga kawawa naman si baby.

tapos dear, ung mga 'sacrifices' mo, diba dapat hindi mo naman binibilang un? Kung di ka masayang gawin.. i suggest wag mong gawin. i mean.. kung ikaw ay mag-iipon lang ng sama ng loob kay mister mo para sa houseworks... mabuti pa ipag-paliban mo muna ung pag-gawa nyan. Mag-relax ka lang. Lalaki lang ang issues mo kung feeling mo laki ng 'sacrifice' mo habang sya ay nanonood ng TV. Pwede rin naman kausapin mo at mag-hati kayo ng housework. Tapos, eto... post ko dito.. para sa ating mga 2nd wives yan.

I found this great article on remarriage and step-parenting on ivillage.

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Remarriage 101

Tips For The Second Wife Who Marries a Man With Children

Don't think everything is going to be hunky-dory when you marry someone whom was previously married and has children. Even in the best of situations, there are going to be problems with adjusting. Even when the adjusting is done there will still be problems. Get over it. That's life. Even in a so-called "normal" intact families children play one parent against the other and cause general chaos in their parent's lives. Parents all over the world have trouble finding time to be alone. Your situation will be no different. Try to go with the flow and realize that this is completely normal. Remember that it takes about three years for a blended family to start acting like a family. Don't rush the process. I know you're in love and you have that overwhelming it's Us against the world feeling, which is wonderful, but try to be realistic.

Allow him to spend time with his children alone.

In the beginning it will be easier for everyone if you allow him to spend time with his kids without you being around. After a few years that probably won't be necessary but at first when the kids visit, make yourself scarce unless they invite you along. They will invite you. Don't make them think you don't want to be around, make it clear that you feel they need time alone with their dad, if anyone needs you, they know where to find you. In early marriage it's common for newlyweds to sit right on top of each other. When the kids are there, back off, let the kids sit with their daddy. In intact marriages by the time the kids come the parents automatically back off so the kids can get that closeness from their parents. If you're like most families you only have the kids every other weekend so it's not going to hurt to allow them this time.

Model good morals and behavior for your stepchildren but don't try to be the Mom.

You definitely have a parenting role in your stepchildren's lives. There is no doubt about that. But you aren't the mom. Except in the rare cases where you are in fact the custodial step parent the parent with custody will be making the rules as to the moral behavior of her children. You have every right to have your own rules in your home and you should expect those rules to be obeyed. It's up to their father to make them behave in your house. If he won't do anything then you will have to try but my suggestion is to talk to him when the children aren't around. If he doesn't have the same rules you do then you're just probably going to have to suck it up while the kids visit unless they're hanging off the rafters and doing illegal drugs. Use your judgment but tread lightly on parenting issues. You are a role model but you aren't the mommy. It's hard to define because each situation is different. After you've been in the family for a few years the children may become very comfortable with you and call you mom. That is perfectly fine, but in the beginning don't take that role allow the children to give it to you. They will, give them time.

Enjoy your marriage.

You are his wife. You are not second. I know it feels that way because of the children but most of the time when it comes to kids, any parent, step, mom, dad, whatever sometimes feels second. Their needs have to come before our wants. That's just the way it is. It's doubly hard when you are dealing with a crazy Ex or Step-Children from hell. We all know these situations exist. You are married to him, not her. You have him. Don't push him away. Don't make your entire relationship about the Ex and the stepchildren. While it's sometimes hard to do, you and your husband are a couple in your own right, without the children. Yes he was a package deal but you don't want the times the children aren't there to still be focused on the Ex and the children. She is not your ex wife, she is his problem. Men seem to be better at compartmentalizing their lives than women. It is a skill I recommend we all try to learn. Leave work at work and the Ex at her house. When the children are not with you focus on yourselves as a couple. You're lucky; in tact parents don't get to do this. Enjoy it while you can because when you have your own children life will change more than you realize.

Don't rush into having your own child together.

Statistics show that women entering a marriage with a man who already has children have another child within two years of marriage. It almost seems like a contest. It is understandable that you want to show him that parenthood doesn't have to be so hard. It is normal to want to have your own children to further your bond with your spouse. However, please give it time. It really is better to allow the entire family to adjust before bringing more children into the situation. If your biological clock is ticking I can understand the rush, but if you have years before you have to worry about that consider giving your marriage about three years before bringing more children into it. Second marriages fail at a rate of 85% compared to 50% of first marriages. Most second wives are in their first marriages. Looking at these marriages it is easy to figure out that added children cause more stress when the first situation is not resolved. Over all most marriages that are going to fail do so within two years of the woman giving birth. There is no doubt that children, financial problems, and unresolved issues with ex spouses contribute to the high divorce rate among second marriages. It doesn't have to if you take your time.

Don't become the butler, cab driver, or the maid.

These are His children. Let him clean up after them, drive them around, pick them up, and wait on them if that is what he wishes to do. So often the second wife starts feeling resentful about the amount of housework she is expected to do when the children are visiting. It's likely his former wife felt resentful about this too. Keep note of this because that is probably what he'll do when you have your own children. It's not that he's a bad man. Society makes it easy for men to opt out of child care, and house work. Even today with women's lib and equal rights being expected these types of jobs are often relegated to the women. We women allow it to happen. If you don't want to feel resentful do not allow it to happen. If you set the boundaries in the beginning you're going to be a lot happier when you bring your own children into the family. Men are just as capable as women of changing diapers, driving kids to soccer practice, feeding them dinner and yes even washing their clothing! Now, the trick is, don't say a word when he does it "wrong"… let him do it however he does it. He'll eventually realize pretending to do it wrong won't get you to do it. He can read directions, let him figure it out. This is not to say you cannot choose to help him out in tight spots but don't take his place. All too often it seems like everything to do with the children is done by the wives (both old and new) rather than between the Ex Wife and the Father.

Don't obsess about the situation with his Ex Wife.

I know that is easier said than done. If you don't think you're obsessing but you bring it up or have to discuss her every single day, or most days out of the week, then it's time to take an honest assessment of your situation. I know if you're one of the people who have a crazy Ex Wife to deal with that this will be doubly hard for you. But if you force yourself not to react to her you'll live a happier life and prolong your marriage. Get caller ID and don't pick up the phone when it's her unless you have to. Then if she's calling to whine and complain just say "He's not here right now I'll leave him a message." Click. If you train yourself not to react to her eventually it will become second nature and she will give up her games. Games are only fun if everyone is participating. If there are legal issues let your lawyer and her lawyer deal with it. Don't enter into the fray there is no point in it. It will only make things worse. You don't need to know everything there is to know about his Ex. It will only cause you to think about her more than you already do. Curiosity is normal but don’t let it take over your life. Even if your husband doesn't mean to do it, the things he says about his Ex won't really be the entire truth. It takes two to end a marriage. Both were at fault. But the fact is, it really doesn't matter. You are married to him and that is all that matters now.

Don't write the Ex Wife letters unless she does first.

Sometimes new wives feel compelled to write the Ex wife. I am not sure why. It's either to mark her territory or to try to assuage guilt if the new wife was the other woman. Writing her especially under the latter conditions will only cause problems. After you've established your marriage if she's not made the first move in a couple of years then I think it's O.K. to write her if you're writing a nice letter suggesting coffee or to tell her what a great job she's doing as a parent. Don't think writing her about how big of a pain she is will help. It won't. It would be nice if it would but she won't see that in the letter. She will see that you stole her husband and now you want her kids too. Whether that is true or not, and I'm sure it isn't, that is how she's going to feel. Don't add fuel to the fire. Stay detached. It's not likely you will ever be friends with this person. You can be friendly but likely never friends. Also, don't write letters for your husband. A lot of second wives do this. I am not sure why but it goes back to the compulsion to tell him what to say to her on the phone. Don't do this either. Leave their relationship to them. If the Ex Wife writes you and it's a nice letter thanking you for being a part of the children's lives or something else nice then it is O.K. to respond in kind. If the Ex Wife writes you a nasty letter, file it away for any possible court cases in the future but do not write her back or acknowledge the letter. Learning to just ignore bad behavior is a great lesson for every person to learn. It comes in handy when we have children. The very worst thing that can be done to someone is to be ignored. Don't tell her you're sending it to your lawyer, don't tell her she's going to regret it, don't even act like you got it. If she tries to discuss it with you, hang up, walk away, smile be above it all.

Allow your husband to deal with the Ex Wife regarding the children or money issues.

This will be one of the hardest things for you to do. Leave this situation to your husband. Even if you feel he's being walked on and turning into a wimp when it comes to her you're not doing your marriage any good by taking over the situation or nagging your husband into doing things he doesn’t want to do. If the situation is important enough to him, he will do something about it himself. He is a grown man and doesn't need you to take over the job his mommy should have completed before turning him out into the world. I know this is difficult believe me, but it is imperative that you have a hands off attitude when it comes to these issues for the sake of your marriage. If you have to, get counseling to help you deal with the feelings of loss of control over your future and to help you stay out of it. Eventually you will be able to be calm about staying out of the fights, the parental disagreements, the money situation, but as with everything, it takes practice and time.

Don't tell him what to say while he is on the phone with her.

This goes back to letting him deal with her. I know it's hard not to sit there and wring your hands when he wimps out. I know you're tempted to pass notes to him about what to say to her while he's on the phone with her. Remember, you really cannot hear the other side of the conversation. This is also going to irritate your husband and cause problems between you and him. Why let her have that much control over your life. Let him have his conversation without you right under him. Leave the room. Then when he's done, come in and give him a hug and kiss and suggest doing something fun. Sex is always good. Build his self-esteem rather than tear it down and you'll find he may become more aggressive with her on his own.

*second wives club

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Good luck!