is good to marry within the first time we meet?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Um, I can't really give a good explanation for this, but the way it was explained to me is there are different rules for "local" (Moroccan) and "American" women. Kind of like a double standard. I guess it's because everyone there assumes that women in America aren't virgins anyway. Also, many American women who go over there (applied to me) were already married and/or had children. Not saying I agree with this logic (or even like it), but that's the way I heard it is. Also, if the American woman isn't Muslim, I think that adds to the 'logic'.

The double standard does indeed exist. The rules for how a family treats a local bridal prospect and a foreign one are different and reflect the perception of the woman's value in their culture. My husband and I were talking about this recently when I was telling him how hard it is to talk about paper/urfi marriage, legal marriage, and premarital relations, and what it has to do with family honor without people getting all upset. Many western women don't seem prepared to accept that there is a sliding scale upon which they are judged and treated accordingly. Right or wrong, it's a valid indicator of the man and his family's character. Western women may be a means to an end, and a woman may well be deeply loved, but if he treats you with the same esteem he would have to treat a respectable local girl, that says alot.

Edited April 22, 2009 by Barza Woman

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Um, I can't really give a good explanation for this, but the way it was explained to me is there are different rules for "local" (Moroccan) and "American" women. Kind of like a double standard. I guess it's because everyone there assumes that women in America aren't virgins anyway. Also, many American women who go over there (applied to me) were already married and/or had children. Not saying I agree with this logic (or even like it), but that's the way I heard it is. Also, if the American woman isn't Muslim, I think that adds to the 'logic'.

The double standard does indeed exist. The rules for how a family treats a local bridal prospect and a foreign one are different and reflect the perception of the woman's value in their culture. My husband and I were talking about this recently when I was telling him how hard it is to talk about paper/urfi marriage, legal marriage, and premarital relations, and what it has to do with family honor without people getting all upset. Many western women don't seem prepared to accept that there is a sliding scale upon which they are judged and treated accordingly. Right or wrong, it's a valid indicator of the man and his family's character. Western women may be a means to an end, and a woman may well be deeply loved, but if he treats you with the same esteem he would have to treat a respectable local girl, that says alot.

I wasnt trying to start that debate when I posted, but I had an opportunity to actually ask the man how he would treat a local girl vs his prospective american bride so I took it. It's usually a debate held by only the women here. So, I really wanted to hear the man's explaination.

Sorry for opening that can of worms

For what its worth to the OP, we married the first week of meeting IRL and it didnt hurt us either.

[MrsAmera 41]

My 2 cents - no don't do it the first time you meet. Simply because she will only be there for 3 weeks and it will take the entire time just getting the right paperwork in order to be legally married. (Which also if some of you who have picked this man apart would read was the paperwork he was referring to in other posts - not visa related paperwork). Perhaps you could have an engagement party while she is there, and plan another longer trip to complete the marriage paperwork.

[Ihavequestions 419]

The double standard does indeed exist. The rules for how a family treats a local bridal prospect and a foreign one are different and reflect the perception of the woman's value in their culture. My husband and I were talking about this recently when I was telling him how hard it is to talk about paper/urfi marriage, legal marriage, and premarital relations, and what it has to do with family honor without people getting all upset. Many western women don't seem prepared to accept that there is a sliding scale upon which they are judged and treated accordingly. Right or wrong, it's a valid indicator of the man and his family's character. Western women may be a means to an end, and a woman may well be deeply loved, but if he treats you with the same esteem he would have to treat a respectable local girl, that says alot.

How so? If she's western, non-Muslim, divorced, with children, is that a green light to treat her like ####### because that, then, makes it a good family of upstanding character? What about the local, Muslim, divorced, with children women - and I know several? Are they treated slightly less than #######? I honestly don't get this. I really don't understand the cultural perception. Seriously. I'm asking.

A (western) friend of mine has a son who has been in love with a girl for many years and this girl happens to be four years older than him. He wants to marry her but his (Egyptian) father will not approve of it because of the age difference. The son says if he can't marry this girl, he won't ever marry anyone. Well, now the concern is that he may have married her secretly. My friend told me today this is her suspicion, anyway. And, she says, if that's the case, she may just have to honor kill her husband. What a sad position to put the entire family in, eh?

[Berber Mama 5]

My 2 cents - no don't do it the first time you meet. Simply because she will only be there for 3 weeks and it will take the entire time just getting the right paperwork in order to be legally married. (Which also if some of you who have picked this man apart would read was the paperwork he was referring to in other posts - not visa related paperwork). Perhaps you could have an engagement party while she is there, and plan another longer trip to complete the marriage paperwork.

My 2 cents- Any man already on VJ fretting and panicking about sufficient evidence to gather in order to receive a green card to the US.... before he even meets this woman face to face is not in the relationship for all the right reasons.

[MrsAmera 41]

Maybe it's less about the green card and more just about being with her? I just dont' think it's fair that we judge this guy before anything has transpired or you know the whole story. I agree sure it's a little strange but maybe he's just that kind of person who wants to have his ducks in a row and know what needs to be done. *shrugs*

[Berber Mama 5]

Maybe it's less about the green card and more just about being with her? I just dont' think it's fair that we judge this guy before anything has transpired or you know the whole story. I agree sure it's a little strange but maybe he's just that kind of person who wants to have his ducks in a row and know what needs to be done. *shrugs*

You know, you're right that I don't know the whole story. I just don't believe in internet love. Sure I met my husband online. Yes I did care about him before I went to Morocco for the first time. But I was not in love with or ready to marry him... nor had he asked me to marry him. I went back and stayed for another three months before we wed and we still had the conversation afterwards that we wished that we could have gotten more time together before our marriage. We didn't file our Visa paperwork until nine months later when we realized that us living in Morocco wasn't going to work. (I had already sold everything and quit my job to move over there and try). Had he been proposing marriage and talking about Visa's before we met , you can bet that I would have never set foot on a plane to Morocco. I'm not saying that my relationship is better than anyone else's but I can't help but to call 'em like I see 'em. And the OP raises some serious flags on my radar. But I will give them the benefit of the doubt...maybe they are ready to commit the rest of their lives to each other after chatting on yahoo for a few months. I guess stanger things have happened.

[MrsAmera 41]

I don't disagree with you - I find some of the scenarios a little puzzling as well. I didn't meet my husband online and I had spent considerable time with him in Morocco. We both made the decision to move to the US because it wasn't going to work for us there. But that's not true for everyone. Not all people (USC) WANT to live there (Morocco). A lot of women I know who are married to people from other countries have no desire to live in their SO's country.

[ya falaha! 0]

I'm reading the comments about the different treatment between native girls (virgins) and non native (most likely non virgins). You know what grinds my gears? Putting a price and value on how pure or impure a person is. I know it's culture but it still irks the ####### outta. When I married my husband we had a very low key wedding party. The next year-year and a half his sister has an off the chain party that my husband had to save to send money for. Why? Oh because she's a virgin. I get it believe me I get it. But...it doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow. I get it, I'm used goods, message received loud and clear. I always knew it was there but it wasn't until my SIL got married that I felt the awful sting of one hell of a slap in the face. I still have hard feelings about this. I hate that it has changed how I feel about my inlaws who, I thought, were above this bullshite. Culture or not, it still makes one feel inferior. yanno?

I'm just a sharing mofo today aren't I?

Edited April 22, 2009 by Astarte

[Berber Mama 5]

I don't disagree with you - I find some of the scenarios a little puzzling as well. I didn't meet my husband online and I had spent considerable time with him in Morocco. We both made the decision to move to the US because it wasn't going to work for us there. But that's not true for everyone. Not all people (USC) WANT to live there (Morocco). A lot of women I know who are married to people from other countries have no desire to live in their SO's country.

I agree with you 100%. I just think some people need to be a little wary when a man that they have never met face to face is proposing marriage after a few weeks and posting on VJ regarding gathering evidence to take to their Visa interview.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I'm reading the comments about the different treatment between native girls (virgins) and non native (most likely non virgins). You know what grinds my gears? Putting a price and value on how pure or impure a person is. I know it's culture but it still irks the ####### outta. When I married my husband we had a very low key wedding party. The next year-year and a half his sister has an off the chain party that my husband had to save to send money for. Why? Oh because she's a virgin. I get it believe me I get it. But...it doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow. I get it, I'm used goods, message received loud and clear. I always knew it was there but it wasn't until my SIL got married that I felt the awful sting of one hell of a slap in the face. I still have hard feelings about this. I hate that it has changed how I feel about my inlaws who, I thought, were above this bullshite. Culture or not, it still makes one feel inferior. yanno?

I'm just a sharing mofo today aren't I?

that sucks.

I really think it has more to do with being a foreigner and less to do with being a virgin. Maybe Im WAAAY off base with that though. But, there are USC's who have never been married and have no kids..are they just PRESUMED non virgins then?

I can see it if you have children, but if you have none and you(meaning anyone) still got the second class citizen treatment then I'd say its about being the foreigner, not the non virgin so much.

[ya falaha! 0]

I think it's both but mostly the virgin thing. It was basically spelled out for me (at a later time). I was divorced and have two sons. My SIL is divorced which is a huge thing. I always thought my inlaws were so much more above this bullshite. I was way naive back then I have found. I had this utopian idea that they were so accepting because of the misfortune their own daughter experienced. Apparently not. That's not to say I was mistreated or they acted strange to me. They were perfectly lovely. But it's still there and I was too naive to get it. I get it now or rather I picked up on it right about the time my SIL got married.

I've been married to two men from the mid east. I am now of the thinking that some people are better off with their own kind.

Edited April 22, 2009 by Astarte

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

no i do not think it is wise to marry on the first visit. I dont think a few weeks is enough time to tell you if he/she is really the person for you.

[rclouse 0]

A (western) friend of mine has a son who has been in love with a girl for many years and this girl happens to be four years older than him. He wants to marry her but his (Egyptian) father will not approve of it because of the age difference. The son says if he can't marry this girl, he won't ever marry anyone. Well, now the concern is that he may have married her secretly. My friend told me today this is her suspicion, anyway. And, she says, if that's the case, she may just have to honor kill her husband. What a sad position to put the entire family in, eh?

[Leyla 0]

A (western) friend of mine has a son who has been in love with a girl for many years and this girl happens to be four years older than him. He wants to marry her but his (Egyptian) father will not approve of it because of the age difference. The son says if he can't marry this girl, he won't ever marry anyone. Well, now the concern is that he may have married her secretly. My friend told me today this is her suspicion, anyway. And, she says, if that's the case, she may just have to honor kill her husband. What a sad position to put the entire family in, eh?

I second that...