What is the divorce rate among international marriages?

[patricks 0]

Trust me, being raised in England and being raised in SE Asia are very very different and there is little comparison. I first went to England in 84' and I just recently spend 5 years in SE Asia/ Its' night vs day!

Yes communication is important. I didn't say ALL marriges are doomed, my point is............, it's a bigger challenge marrying someone from SE Asia and it's a much bigger challenge having just met someone on the internet from SE Asia. "It's an accident waiting to happen" ........

Some simple general examples from friends who have done K1 with a SE Asian and myself:

Wife crying for no reason and she won't tell you why

Can we please send money home to my mom this month because of taxes, home improvement, debt, etc (averages about $350 / month)

Poor driving skills, driving accidents

arguing about something very small

going to the temple to consult nun for "logical" advice......asking, should I do this or that?

Making food the smells so bad that the neighbors complain, funny

Constant Jealousy for no reason

she tells others about our persoanl life (common practice in her home country)

"your country is boring" "nobody is on the street talking to each other....."

All n all, these are small but they are examples of the differences that can be a challenge!

[Fandango 1,439]

Difficult to say, really. I cannot speak to that, simply because I do not have statistical evidence in hand to support any other conclusion. It would seem intuitive that more time together would foster a better relationship.

I believe that by chatting on the net, talking regularly on the phone and visiting when you can, would be a close second though.

Caveat that statment with a clear understanding of a common language. I actually know an American that married someone with little common understanding of the same language. Go figure. Must have been body language!

My Fiance Speaks excellent english and I am fluent in her language. A fortunate state to be in. Really helps with the family!

Yes, communication is critical. I could understand with Patrick (above) if he is thinking the woman doesn't speak fluent English and the American doesn't speak her language, but again it is a rather broad statement to say that for all of S.E. Asia. In Malaysia and the Philippines, for example, students are taught English in schools, so most people from that region have a good command of English. You and Patrick obviously were fortunate to live near your future wives and I have no doubt that was beneficial in the success of your marriages. But for those of us who don't have that luxury but are very much in love and sincere in wanting a successful marriage, we're trying to make the most of what we do have (phone, internet chat). I don't think it would be accurate to say that is a liability as to the success of a marriage. Whatever is happening in these international marriages that end in divorce - that is what I'd really like to know the how and why.

I think you're looking for answers that are subjective...everyone will give you their version of the hows and whys. I feel there is no set answer.

In my opinion....I feel like talking on the phone and internet chat is like reading a book...and being in person is kinda like watching the movie. Now before anyone goes of on one, lemme explain...when you're so far away and on the phone, your imagination is reality. You are free, more of less to let your imagination fill in the gaps when you need. But when your SO is here, it is what it is.

It's early morning so I'm prolly not expessing myself as best I can.

Oh and William33, yes, the country of your SO does matter....vj info is culled accordingly from the information you give.

I hear what u are saying Lisa and I agree with you to an extent. I think when all you have is communication..you can get to know a person--if you are honest. For Ian and I, I was going through my divorce. I wasn't looking to get into any relationship with anyone. Ian and I talked as friends for a long time in the poker site but never on msn or on the phone. Then one day, he asked me for my msn and I said sure. We started talking more and more. I was open and honest with him because I don't believe in playing those games of I am this and I am that just to impress. I then asked him after months of talking if he wanted to call me. Which he did and we talked for hours. I can't explain it really. It was as if I knew him but reality...I didn't know him. I knew I was falling in love with him, but I didn't want to say it like that without meeting him. ONce I saw him, I knew I was right. I am glad that Ian and I were fortunate enough to live together before we got married. It did give us the time to get to know one another properly. But for me, I knew I was going to marry him. I even told him that when I first met him. But he went through a bad time..thought he knew his ex wife of 18 years and then found out he didn't know her at all. I had to let Ian get over that and let him be comfortable moving on again. If he hadn't of gone through what he had, then I believe in my heart we would have been married much sooner. But this is only MY experience. I don't want to say what is right and what is wrong because at the end of the day, it really is down to the couple themselves and who they are as individuals. If they have good communication, and are honest...then I think that yes, the marriage will work out. It isn't just all about love. Its a combination of things.

Again, this is all just what I think...lol

Laura Mitchell

I think speaking in a broader sense, some countries are easier than others. I agree with Patrick that the UK is quite different from SE Asian countries. Now there are high-fraud countries concerning visas & that cannot be ignored. Whether it's a factor or it isn't, and American greencard is handed away in this marriage process. Now I'm not saying that America is perfect & eveeryone wants to move here, but it also cannot be dismissed as an insignificant by-product, either. There are many who use the marriage process to get into the country. And as we've seen time and time again, the USC, while starry eyed & very much in love with their perception of reality, is not always the best judge because he/she is too close to a situation to look at it objectively.

Edited June 26, 2006 by LisaD

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Trust me, being raised in England and being raised in SE Asia are very very different and there is little comparison. I first went to England in 84' and I just recently spend 5 years in SE Asia/ Its' night vs day!

Yes communication is important. I didn't say ALL marriges are doomed, my point is............, it's a bigger challenge marrying someone from SE Asia and it's a much bigger challenge having just met someone on the internet from SE Asia. "It's an accident waiting to happen" ........

Some simple general examples from friends who have done K1 with a SE Asian and myself:

Wife crying for no reason and she won't tell you why

Can we please send money home to my mom this month because of taxes, home improvement, debt, etc (averages about $350 / month)

Poor driving skills, driving accidents

arguing about something very small

going to the temple to consult nun for "logical" advice......asking, should I do this or that?

Making food the smells so bad that the neighbors complain, funny

Constant Jealousy for no reason

she tells others about our persoanl life (common practice in her home country)

"your country is boring" "nobody is on the street talking to each other....."

All n all, these are small but they are examples of the differences that can be a challenge!

Lets agree to disagree.You have listed reasons that are very much the same in all marriages. Women cry for no reason..get over it!!! lol. There are poor driving skills NO Matter where you go. PPL argue over small things EVERYWHERE! Jealousy..please...and telling other ppl about you personal life...THAT IS COMMON ALL OVER!!!! I am not saying that the cultures are the same...I am saying that there are culture differences NO MATTER where you come from. You are being biased because of where your wife is from. People are always going to be biased no matter what. There are challenges in every marriage no matter where you are from in the world or no matter how your marriage started out!!!

[KarenCee 3]

Finally, I'm amazed at the questions petitioners ask on this forum regarding filling out forms, procedures and general common sense. What will these people do when their spouse arrives in America? What did people do before the internet?

Yet you are here...on the Internet! Not everyone has all the answers and this forum IS for those who need answers. Sometimes it's so easy to get all stressed out that the answer is staring you in the face but because of said stress you can't see it. Try to look at it from someone else's point of view. Not everyone is as well informed and not in need of asking anything as you seem to be.

My future spouse is here in America and we're doing just fine. We will still have questions as we file AOS too. Does that make us ignorant? Does that mean we have no common sense? I think it shows intelligence to ASK a question rather than sit and stew about something and refuse to ask. What did we do before the internet? We looked up the information as best we could I'm sure. What did YOU do before the internet?

My future husband and I are very grateful for the internet....without it we would never have met. We used it to communicate...to share information....pictures. We used it to build our relationship. We still use it. We use it to keep in touch with family and friends. The internet has revolutionised people's lives and will continue to do so.

That's like asking, what did people do before planes, trains, and automobiles. LOL

[Fandango 1,439]

Trust me, being raised in England and being raised in SE Asia are very very different and there is little comparison. I first went to England in 84' and I just recently spend 5 years in SE Asia/ Its' night vs day!

Yes communication is important. I didn't say ALL marriges are doomed, my point is............, it's a bigger challenge marrying someone from SE Asia and it's a much bigger challenge having just met someone on the internet from SE Asia. "It's an accident waiting to happen" ........

Some simple general examples from friends who have done K1 with a SE Asian and myself:

Wife crying for no reason and she won't tell you why

Can we please send money home to my mom this month because of taxes, home improvement, debt, etc (averages about $350 / month)

Poor driving skills, driving accidents

arguing about something very small

going to the temple to consult nun for "logical" advice......asking, should I do this or that?

Making food the smells so bad that the neighbors complain, funny

Constant Jealousy for no reason

she tells others about our persoanl life (common practice in her home country)

"your country is boring" "nobody is on the street talking to each other....."

All n all, these are small but they are examples of the differences that can be a challenge!

Lets agree to disagree.You have listed reasons that are very much the same in all marriages. Women cry for no reason..get over it!!! lol. There are poor driving skills NO Matter where you go. PPL argue over small things EVERYWHERE! Jealousy..please...and telling other ppl about you personal life...THAT IS COMMON ALL OVER!!!! I am not saying that the cultures are the same...I am saying that there are culture differences NO MATTER where you come from. You are being biased because of where your wife is from. People are always going to be biased no matter what. There are challenges in every marriage no matter where you are from in the world or no matter how your marriage started out!!!

Laura, I think don't take that post too literally, but surely you have to agree that bringing a SE Asian bride over is going to be different than marrying an American. I'm not saying it's doomed to fail - there are many that of course don't. But there is a difference.

Where's bholiday? lol disneyland anyone?

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Finally, I'm amazed at the questions petitioners ask on this forum regarding filling out forms, procedures and general common sense. What will these people do when their spouse arrives in America? What did people do before the internet?

Yet you are here...on the Internet! Not everyone has all the answers and this forum IS for those who need answers. Sometimes it's so easy to get all stressed out that the answer is staring you in the face but because of said stress you can't see it. Try to look at it from someone else's point of view. Not everyone is as well informed and not in need of asking anything as you seem to be.

My future spouse is here in America and we're doing just fine. We will still have questions as we file AOS too. Does that make us ignorant? Does that mean we have no common sense? I think it shows intelligence to ASK a question rather than sit and stew about something and refuse to ask. What did we do before the internet? We looked up the information as best we could I'm sure. What did YOU do before the internet?

My future husband and I are very grateful for the internet....without it we would never have met. We used it to communicate...to share information....pictures. We used it to build our relationship. We still use it. We use it to keep in touch with family and friends. The internet has revolutionised people's lives and will continue to do so.

That's like asking, what did people do before planes, trains, and automobiles. LOL

Yeah, I have to say, that was a pretty ignorant comment. That is the whole point of this forum and no one should make people feel like they are lower than anyone which is exactly what that comment can very well do. And then to say what will these ppl do when their SO's are in America? Very degrading I must say. Sometimes people speak before they think. Perhaps that is what the poster should have done.

Laura Mitchell

Trust me, being raised in England and being raised in SE Asia are very very different and there is little comparison. I first went to England in 84' and I just recently spend 5 years in SE Asia/ Its' night vs day!

Yes communication is important. I didn't say ALL marriges are doomed, my point is............, it's a bigger challenge marrying someone from SE Asia and it's a much bigger challenge having just met someone on the internet from SE Asia. "It's an accident waiting to happen" ........

Some simple general examples from friends who have done K1 with a SE Asian and myself:

Wife crying for no reason and she won't tell you why

Can we please send money home to my mom this month because of taxes, home improvement, debt, etc (averages about $350 / month)

Poor driving skills, driving accidents

arguing about something very small

going to the temple to consult nun for "logical" advice......asking, should I do this or that?

Making food the smells so bad that the neighbors complain, funny

Constant Jealousy for no reason

she tells others about our persoanl life (common practice in her home country)

"your country is boring" "nobody is on the street talking to each other....."

All n all, these are small but they are examples of the differences that can be a challenge!

Lets agree to disagree.You have listed reasons that are very much the same in all marriages. Women cry for no reason..get over it!!! lol. There are poor driving skills NO Matter where you go. PPL argue over small things EVERYWHERE! Jealousy..please...and telling other ppl about you personal life...THAT IS COMMON ALL OVER!!!! I am not saying that the cultures are the same...I am saying that there are culture differences NO MATTER where you come from. You are being biased because of where your wife is from. People are always going to be biased no matter what. There are challenges in every marriage no matter where you are from in the world or no matter how your marriage started out!!!

Laura, I think don't take that post too literally, but surely you have to agree that bringing a SE Asian bride over is going to be different than marrying an American. I'm not saying it's doomed to fail - there are many that of course don't. But there is a difference.

Where's bholiday? lol disneyland anyone?

Again, I am only posting what I BELIEVE IN. THese are only my opinions. But having lived with Ian for over a year now, I can say that there are BIG cultural differences that I believe, if I wasn't a strong person, or an understanding person, I would have hightailed it out of here a long time ago. I believe that focusing on just one geographic location is not sympathetic. Its like those people that when you say, oh I cut my finger and had to get 7 stitches, there is ALWAYS that one person that says..oh yeah? well I did the same thing but I had to get 15 stitches and it hurt more than yours. You get what I am saying? Until we are in the other persons shoes, we can't say what is right, what is wrong, who has it worse, etc. etc...I it all comes down to how you handle it. There are always going to be barriers no matter WHERE you are from.

Laura Mitchell

PS...screw disneyland...i rather take a holiday in spain...still waiting for my honeymoon...grrrrrrrr

Edited June 26, 2006 by Laura_and_IanM

[patricks 0]

Yes, I think Visa Journey is Great! and it was a valuable information source for me and I happy it's here:

However, I made sure I read the instructions from the consulate FIRST which clearly state everything in both languages, I researched other sources UCSIC.com/state.gov, The HCMC Consulate web site and finally I read previous posts on VJ BEFORE I asked questions...........

Hey please help me? What's the the big deal with POE? What does it matter? IF you have a valid USA visa, the customs people will let you in, won't they? Why would one airport customs official be different than another.

"What POE should I use?"

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Sorrrrrry, marrying someone from cananda or UK is very different than SE Asia! Have you (not Steve)

been on holiday im SE Asia?, just curious.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Yes, I think Visa Journey is Great! and it was a valuable information source for me and I happy it's here:

However, I made sure I read the instructions from the consulate FIRST which clearly state everything in both languages, I researched other sources UCSIC.com/state.gov, The HCMC Consulate web site and finally I read previous posts on VJ BEFORE I asked questions...........

Hey please help me? What's the the big deal with POE? What does it matter? IF you have a valid USA visa, the customs people will let you in, won't they? Why would one airport customs official be different than another.

"What POE should I use?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sorrrrrry, marrying someone from cananda or UK is very different than SE Asia! Have you (not Steve)

Ok, I really think you need to check yourself. Who the hell do you think you are? So what if YOU happened to read the instructions. You are acting as if you read everything and understood everything. I read as much as I could but I still had questions. Does that make me stupid or ignorant??? And why should it bother you WHAT people ask??? As for your latter comment, I am not going to get into a debate whether or not marrying someone is different or not. My opinion, you need to deflate that head of yours.

Yes, I think Visa Journey is Great! and it was a valuable information source for me and I happy it's here:

However, I made sure I read the instructions from the consulate FIRST which clearly state everything in both languages, I researched other sources UCSIC.com/state.gov, The HCMC Consulate web site and finally I read previous posts on VJ BEFORE I asked questions...........

Hey please help me? What's the the big deal with POE? What does it matter? IF you have a valid USA visa, the customs people will let you in, won't they? Why would one airport customs official be different than another.

"What POE should I use?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sorrrrrry, marrying someone from cananda or UK is very different than SE Asia! Have you (not Steve)

Ok, I really think you need to check yourself. Who the hell do you think you are? So what if YOU happened to read the instructions. You are acting as if you read everything and understood everything. I read as much as I could but I still had questions. Does that make me stupid or ignorant??? And why should it bother you WHAT people ask??? As for your latter comment, I am not going to get into a debate whether or not marrying someone is different or not. My opinion, you need to deflate that head of yours.

Also wanted to add, if you keep going the rate you are, you are going to upset a lot of people and when and if you do have a VALID question, you are going to find that no one is going to answer you because a) you have upset everyone already, b)you have already READ all of the INSTRUCTIONS therefore you know everything...RIGHT?

And to answer your last question..yes I have. I lived in the phillipenes for 3 years when I was younger.

Edited June 26, 2006 by Laura_and_IanM

[TracyTN 237]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Some simple general examples from friends who have done K1 with a SE Asian and myself:

Wife crying for no reason and she won't tell you why

Can we please send money home to my mom this month because of taxes, home improvement, debt, etc (averages about $350 / month)

Poor driving skills, driving accidents

arguing about something very small

going to the temple to consult nun for "logical" advice......asking, should I do this or that?

Making food the smells so bad that the neighbors complain, funny

Constant Jealousy for no reason

she tells others about our persoanl life (common practice in her home country)

"your country is boring" "nobody is on the street talking to each other....."

All n all, these are small but they are examples of the differences that can be a challenge!

As Laura pointed out, those problems are not unique to SE Asians and although I'm sure you're being cheeky, it teeters on stereotypes.

Wife crying - maybe she misses her family, she's adjusting to the change, she gets scared and wonders if she made a mistake - these are all common problems in all marriages.

Sending money to family - this should be known BEFORE she comes to America, if that is her expectation.

Poor driving skills - I can't speak for your wife, but my fiancee already drives and I can say with confidence anyone who can drive around in the Philippines won't even flinch when they get on the California freeways.

I appreciate what you are saying and it sounds like you find those traits endearing even if initially they annoy you or piss you off. Which gets back to my original question about why some international marriages fail. No two people are alike, no matter how similar the backgrounds and experiences. Accepting the other person for who they are, not putting expectations on them to change what we want them to be is far more important than considering cultural differences. You are an example of just that - you obviously love your wife dearly in spite of those things you listed and in fact, I can imagine they bring spice to the marriage. If some other couple call it quits and say it's because of those things, I'd bet my left eye that the marriage failed because they failed to tolerate and accept those differences.

[patricks 0]

I was just surprised people ask such obvious questions?

I didn't say I was better or smarter than anyone.

It's sounds like you're a little "heated" at the moment. It wasn't my intention to upset you? I'm asking a SINCERE question?

"Do some people on VJ ask questions that have obvious answers or I guess people want someone to hold their hand through the whole process?"

then, follow up.

I feel the visa process is a lot easier than actually bringing a SE Asian to America, which is more difficult than one expects. (If you meet a SE Asian over the internet; you must expect a different type of challenge in life vs a normal western arrangement)

It's a simple question, I'm not saying I'm smarter or better........

If my questions upsets you then that's NOT my intention.....

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I was just surprised people ask such obvious questions?

I didn't say I was better or smarter than anyone.

It's sounds like you're a little "heated" at the moment. It wasn't my intention to upset you? I'm asking a SINCERE question?

"Do some people on VJ ask questions that have obvious answers or I guess people want someone to hold their hand through the whole process?"

then, follow up.

I feel the visa process is a lot easier than actually bringing a SE Asian to America, which is more difficult than one expects. (If you meet a SE Asian over the internet; you must expect a different type of challenge in life vs a normal western arrangement)

It's a simple question, I'm not saying I'm smarter or better........

If my questions upsets you then that's NOT my intention.....

All I am saying is this, you need to rephrase your comments or better yet, not make a comment about the questions that people ask. This is an open forum ,open to people of all walks of life there for the way you came across, it sounded as if you were superior whether that was your intention of not. Also, I am not saying that bringing a SE Asian is just as easy as bringing a Brit over. I am saying that, it doesnt matter if your spouse comes from SE ASIA or UK, there are still going to be cultural differences that CAN hinder any relationship.

[sukie175 0]

We knew each other for just about 5 years and 4 visits before we married. But I also think it's less about nationalities and more about personalities that meld well and have the same outlook on life.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I agree with that whole heartedly sukie

[Caladan 19]

My two cents:

There are certainly stressors that some international marriages will face that American-American marriages won't:

1) Culture shock

2) Major relocation

3) Inability to work for a while (this one worries me with my soon-to-be fiancé; he's an active man who may get very bored.)

4) Inability to travel freely to see family

5) Potential language difficulties

These are just extra factors. They can be intensified by:

1) A couple that doesn't know each other as well as they should

2) Language barriers within the couple

3) Shifting expectations (especially with the more 'marriage broker'-type relationships).

That doesn't necessarily translate into a higher divorce rate, but heck, just culture shock could produce depression, y'know?

But the resiliency and the longevity of the marriage depends on the couple and their communication with and love for each other, not whether one was international.