I'm SOOOO ANNOYED!

[Karen_L 1]

*SIGH* I'm going to post this because I feel like MANY people in here can probably relate to this and maybe offer some advice, or maybe just vent a little bit about their own experiences.

So, it seems that even after being together for 2 years, MANY of my friends still have a problem that my fiance' isn't American! Everytime I see certain of my friends, I'm assailed with a barrage of sarcastic put-downs about him -- that he's foreign, doesn't speak English, is after a Green Card, that we're probably on the verge of breaking up and *THE MOST GHASTLY OF ALL* that he will be abusive to me! Tonight was particularly annoying, but in the past, I've been told things like: "Yeah, you're boyfriend's all sweet until dinner's late getting on the table, then it'll be *SMACK*" I know I shouldn't be upset about anything so ignorant (i.e. all foreigners abuse their wives), but it DOES get to me.

I find it funny that after two years of maintaining a VERY strong relationship long distance (which everyone agrees is difficult) people are STILL on me about him! They believe that since we're from different places, we can't possibly have anything in common or relate to each other and I feel bad for my sweetheart too -- he has to come here and meet with people who assume he's a bad person who can't possibly love me.

Surprisingly, my parents have been extremely supportive and sweet and they're looking forward to getting to know him. They also realize that he is and always will be from another country; my friends seem to expect him to act like he were born in Queens or something and if he doesn't, that's not acceptable.

*SIGH AGAIN* has anyone experienced this?

- Karen

[Widge 0]

Often times "friends" can react badly when one of their number changes the dynamics of the group ie you are getting married are they?? It could be something as simple as jealousy and would be just the same though with differnet insults if your fiance WAS from the Bronx! The bottom line is a true friend stands beside you and at least attempts to understand the things you do and though sometimes they don't they are still there for you NOT hurling insults. Look on the positive your family are behind you 100% and as others here have not had that support can tell you that in itself is worth a lot. In truth all I can say is if they continue to behave like this, then truly they are not friends, there will be many bumps ahead you dont need people throwing rocks so to speak. Good luck with your journey ahead (and forthcominginterview)

[KarenCee 3]

Yeah....jealousy....ignorance....or maybe they're just not true friends. I hope they come around soon though, it's a shame they seem so judgmental without having met him. Hugs

[Ladylethal 12]

My friends keep saying that I should be living my life saying I might not move, not get married and then what will I have done waiting? Wasting my time. They also seem to almost be cheering against my relationship. It´s terrible!

[Bunnyqr 0]

Hey There! Haven't seen you around the VJ lately. I am sorry to hear this. But I too have experienced this. Not by all my friends but a few. The most important people that are supportive is my family. My parents and my sister have been amazingly supportive and when I have been down and felt like I can't handle the distance, they have been my rock.

As for the "friend" comments. I know it all so well. I can't believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths. Most of my friends are supportive but the few that have said things, just come out with such inconsiderate things. I know for a fact that if any of my friends were going through what I am, I would first be happy that she found a wonderful guy, happy for her for planning a life with someone that is her match and supportive while she goes through this visa process. I would never in a million years say things like this "I could never do what you are doing, I would freak out, do you think you really know him I mean you have had more distance then being together, he's probably lonely and needs to talk to someone and that is why he calls all the time, he is lying about going to the embassy to get the travel visa he probably never went, are you sure you want to do this it's for the rest of your life with this guy, does your guy like big women, why doesn't he just go to mexico and cross the border like everyone else is, count this time as a blessing because once he's here he will be with you all the time...." and the list of rude thoughtless comments continues.

My mother raised us with "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything". I would NEVER say such things to a friend, EVER! But yet I have heard them all.

The only advice I can give is this: You are in love, you are planning a life together with the man you chose to accept as your husband. Be thankful (which I am sure you are) that you have met such a wonderful person that wants to share his life with you. Whatever anyone says that is negative, rude or just plane thoughtless call them on it. Say "you know it truely is amazing how much you have to say about someone you have never met and I am your friend. When you say these things, you are hurting me with these words.

Now is the time I need your friendship and support and when the time comes for you, I will do the same in return. (the friendship and support part, not the rude comments).

I think it something that should be said, because people like that will continue to talk out of their a*& and you will continue to get hurt by them.

Chin up Karen. Your K-1 process is coming to a close, soon the two of you will be together and get to start a new wonderful life together.

[Aymerlu 3]

I know exactly how you feel. Since I started this process a year ago I have lost quite a few friends. I just figure they are the ones with the problem. Someone on VJ once said their grandparent told them "You know who your true friends are when you need them" and I have found this quite true. I have a true friend in my man though and I know he is going to be beside me no matter what. I have also made some dear friend here on VJ.

[Karen_L 1]

Hey There! Haven't seen you around the VJ lately.

Lol -- I've been around, but I've been kind of under the weather and overly sleepy lately, so I've been mostly lurking in the forum.

Thank you for your replies! I feel better knowing I'm not alone but bad to think that you're right -- about true friends/jealousy, etc. I still love these people and I don't like to think bad things about them, but if it comes down to it, I can't let them insult the guy I'm going to marry and the situation may come to a head. I too sometimes feel like some of my friends are rooting against everything working out for us. I've been told that I should "find someone more on my own level." I'm from a middle-class family in The Bronx -- I'm not exactly abdicating the throne to marry my fiance' lol

I think lots of people cannot relate to this type of international situation unless they themselves have been in it (which so few people have). I also think lots of people hold some VERY strange notions about people from other countries (possibly excluding Canada and much of Western Europe), like all foreigners are automatically unsophisticated, backward, uneducated people who live like they did 3 centuries ago -- when I showed this one friend pictures of my fiance' house in Albania, she was shocked because his parents (and I QUOTE this exactly) "Look like people." I asked her what she meant and she said, "You know... they're like... real people." I still don't know what that means exactly she was also surprised that he doesn't live in a hovel. Maybe she expected his parents to be wearing traditional folk costumes and skinning goats?

I dunno... all i know is that it seems to me like my backward, uneducated, non-English-speaking foreigner seems A LOT less ignorant about life than my cosmopolitan NY friends are

[hafiz 1]

Karen_L you should tell those who make fun of your boy "What do you think? ...It doesn't matter what you think"

Edited June 25, 2006 by hafiz30

[samantha_lou 0]

Karen,

I'm sorry to hear that your friends aren't being more supportive of you through this process, its hard enough to go through all this without having some of the most important people in your life blocking your road even further. I would have a serious heart to heart with them, let them know that those comments do hurt your feelings, and that this is the man you love and intend to marry. They either need to accept this and be happy for you, or simply get over it and not bring it up any more!

*Hugs* Hopefully they just need a chance to really get to know him, see how you two are when you are together and why you fell in love with him - then they can see all the great things in him that you already see!

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Every time one of these 'friends' makes this comment, ask them politely..'I don't know what you mean by that..what do you mean?' If they try and slide out of it, pin them down..'No, I want you to say exactly what you're getting at - I just don't undertand what you're trying to say' (even if you do!)

Don't say it in a berating tone, or with a frown, say it pleasantly - you are, after all, only asking them to explain themselves.

Many people, when 'called' on things, will find it hard to make a full and frank account of their opinion. Mainly because once they say it out loud they can SEE/hear how ridiculous it sounds; and how petty.

For some friends their bottom line is 'Well, I am worried about your life'

Ask them to explain this as well - many friends, their strange and offensive remarks actually come from a good intention - they care about you - but they express things so badly it comes out as jealous ravings.

If they ARE worried abouty you, ask them if they would be equally as worried if your fiance was from the US. If not, then why not?

Do they KNOW your fiance? If not, they are making assumptions based on zero facts - if do they perhaps not trust your judgement? Ask them this too - don't be afraid to pin people down so they say what they mean instead of these vague stupid sentences about 'foreigners'.

I knew a person who once told me they 'hated all black people' The first thing I said was that I wasn't aware they knew ALL black people (something of a feat in itself), in fact I wasn't aware they knew ANY..

After a bit of annoyance of their part (which i ignored..the tone they were giving me was 'don't question me' but hey they put it out there..) they did admit to not actually having any friends or aquaintances of color.

Their opinion was in fact shaped by something which happened to someone else - to do with crime.

My response was 'so you think ALL black people are criminals?'

'Well..no I spose not ALL of them are..'

'So..MOST of them are you think?'

'Well..probably not most either no...'

'So maybe its crime you're really afraid of then..?'

Silence..then 'I guess.. yeah..'

(I remember it verbatim cos it was one of those moments in life where you almost literally see a lighbulb come on over someone's head..lol)

[MarkTexas 3]

I guess it’s everywhere the same, no matter which country you come from.

Most of my (lifetime)-“friends” (I know most of them 20+ years!) are “supportive” but a few them, who never met my fiancée have said some damn harsh things!

As for “family”; relatives are all “supportive”, but that’s mostly because they are curious!

My mum and Brother are being as supportive as they can be, seeing that they have a very hard time, with the fact that I will be leaving the Netherlands / my country permanently soon!

~Mark

Edited June 25, 2006 by MarkTexas

[PlatyPius 5]

One of my "friends" cared so much that she tried to break Sian and I up. When that failed, she started trying to turn all of my friends against me. Worked with several of them. The ones that remain are the ones worth having.

The "friend" honestly, I think, believed she was 'going it for my own good'. Doesn't matter one way or the other to me. Mess with my sweetie and you're history.

[Reba 2]

I think lots of people cannot relate to this type of international situation unless they themselves have been in it (which so few people have). I also think lots of people hold some VERY strange notions about people from other countries (possibly excluding Canada and much of Western Europe),

ugh...you'd be amazed!

[rebeccajo 14]

My husband is from Western Europe (Northern Ireland to be exact) and I still got the rude comments. Don't you know by now that America is the greatest nation on earth and everybody on the planet would lie, cheat or otherwise steal to get a greencard?

Oh....just Thursday another moron asked me if he speaks English....

[Karen_L 1]

My husband is from Western Europe (Northern Ireland to be exact) and I still got the rude comments. Don't you know by now that America is the greatest nation on earth and everybody on the planet would lie, cheat or otherwise steal to get a greencard?

Oh....just Thursday another moron asked me if he speaks English....

!!!! That is hilarious! But also kind of weird and sad to think of what MANY Americans think about people from the rest of the planet.