LIFE IS LIFE

[hk68 0]

you agree on what ? Saska

[jundp 191]

I think these things would apply no matter where the person is from. Marriage is about joining two different lives together to make one new life. Adjustments and compromise will always be needed.

[ValentinesWedding 0]

5. try very very hard to get him or her out there meeting people, americans and otherwise. they need friends, and not just your friends.

Thanks for this somewhat sad, somewhat hopeful, but very true post. It is an antidote to the sometimes supersticky lovey-doveyness that is coin of the realm here at VisaJourney

I married an African man in 1999 (K-1 visa) and we divorced three years later. We went through adjustment issues similar to what you describe. (Yes, it's what marriage is about...for pretty much everybody.)

But it's not a completely unhappy story: My ex- and I have two beautiful sons and we are sharing custody and care of them. He is a good father, a good worker, and an honest and strong person.

He still lives here, but he misses his home and family in Africa. In the 10 years he has been in America, he has traveled back to Africa three times -- and two of those visits were for the funerals of his brother and his mother.

This man is and will always be African. He lives in America, and loves his American children, but his heart is forever on another continent. Yes, he made the choice to leave Africa and come here to marry me, but the marriage ended. And I changed someone's life forever. (This also is true of all marriages, right? Maybe we see it more clearly when one of the spouses is changing countries and cultures and starting over.)

One thing I've noticed is that my ex-husband never built a local network of friends here to take the place of his friends and family back "home." He just doesn't seem to "click" with most Americans, though he is surviving here.

It reminds me of the experiences of other first-generation immigrants, the ones we read about coming through Ellis Island a hundred years ago. Many of them didn't adjust; they simply survived and worked hard to make a better life for their family. It is their children and their grandchildren who feel "at home" as Americans.

My husband and my ex-husband and all the other spouses and fiancees relocating to other countries also are first-generation immigrants. Whether or not they find a decent job and build a network of friends in their new country, most of them are leaving a piece of themselves behind, I think. I'm not sure that marriage, no matter how blissful, can completely make up for that loss.

[hk68 0]

I agree with 'jundp'

Marriage is about joining two different lives together not ONLY the 'bed' and to compromise is to meeting someone half way or at least how I understand the word, Valentines' post is similar to Chadia's I think they both tried to strip their husbands from their Cultures, their roots, and just melt them in an American pot, if so, were there no locals ready-American Husbands ?so they wont need to attempt to change someone's DNA . what made them think marrying a US citizen is reason enough for a man to be who he is not?

"this one is funny" I count it bad English ,

It reminds me of the experiences of other first-generation immigrants, the ones we read about coming through Ellis Island a hundred years ago

it reminds her of the first generation Hundred years ago , i scarcely remember things that happened 10 years ago LOL

the conclusion is , yes my own conclusion , these people are trying to blame their own mistakes their failure on others

I take it from what they said that they think they are perfect, they are infallible, and it was the others' mistake , right ?

tell it to the marines ....

[ValentinesWedding 0]

"Valentines' post is similar to Chadia's I think they both tried to strip their husbands from their Cultures, their roots, and just melt them in an American pot, if so, were there no locals ready-American Husbands ?so they wont need to attempt to change someone's DNA . what made them think marrying a US citizen is reason enough for a man to be who he is not?

this one is funny I count it bad English ,

It reminds me of the experiences of other first-generation immigrants, the ones we read about coming through Ellis Island a hundred years ago

it reminds her of the first generation Hundred years ago , i scarcely remember things that happened 10 years ago LOL

the conclusion is , yes my own conclusion , these people are trying to blame their own mistakes their failure on others

I take it from what they said that they think they are perfect, they are infallible, and it was the others' mistake , right ?

tell it to the marines ....

I thought Chadia's post was honest but compassionate. I don't think she tried to "strip" her husband from his culture. But he is living in a new and different culture with a wife who has a different culture and roots. That doesn't make it Chadia's "mistake" to marry him. It's life. It sounds like she loves him and is soldiering on despite difficult circumstances. (Go, Chadia! )

Yes, my English can be pedantic, but a "first-generation immigrant" is a person who comes from one country and resettles in another permanently. That person's children are what in (American) English is known as "second generation," while the grandchildren are "third generation" and so on.

I certainly don't "remember" what happened a hundred years ago, but I do recall a bit of what I've READ in a number of histories, and what I've heard others say about that time. (Next time READ the post before you shoot off your first-generation lip!)

You apparently don't realize the significance of America's immigrant past in relation to its present. How do you think all these Europeans, Africans, Asians, and Hispanics got here? None of them are fully indigenous to the New World. We are ALL Nth-generation immigrants unless our ancestry is Native American (and some people would even quibble with that conclusion).

YES, I'm taking this way too personally, but I have to say I DO NOT blame my ex-husband for MY mistakes. I simply said he misses Africa and always will. And that's partially MY responsibility (though not a "mistake"). I am living with the knowledge that I changed my now-ex-husband's life by bringing him here on a K-1 visa and then having children with him. He made choices too. We made them together. It was not a mistake: it's life. Or, as Chadia so succinctly stated: "Life is life."

[ValentinesWedding 0]

A moderator should sticky this. It's excellent advice and oh, so true.

Yes, STICKY it!

And let's hear more from Chadya!

Edited April 18, 2009 by ValentinesWedding

[hk68 0]

I wont disagree with you about things that are facts, I know a little bit about the history of America as an LPR .

my wife is a native American, we both have flaws and bad habits, I think Chadia also has some. But I think it is a little bit inappropriate to broadcast your partner's faults or even Ex- . the person you once loved and certainly loved you !

talk is cheap , and what chadia said is one side of the story , we did not hear the other part of the story did we ?

for my part I dont believe that immigrants in general fail to build successful relationships , this is awful sheesh !

finally Chadia's story does not make any logical sense to me, it may make sense if and only if the context was " racism"

chauvinism, bigotry, and so on...

[hk68 0]

lets make some analysis just for the fun of it .

chaia said:

... that was caused by a childhood illness and years of neglect and sub-par medical care[/u]

she seems to know a lot about a far far away country , no experience was required here , omniscient !

she said here :

... he or she may be stubborn and set in their ways, and will not always believe in your years and years of american experience.

this is why our elders invented the saying : what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

this story looms before me and takes many shapes at once , I can hardly make it to collects pieces for a question

what was the purpose behind this story

this will help me answer some questions in my HSD test

[ValentinesWedding 0]

Chadia's story does not make any logical sense to me, it may make sense if and only if the context was " racism"

chauvinism, bigotry

, and so on...

I think we're reading different threads....

[hk68 0]

I was reading your time-line and since you filed the form I-751 which I am going to file very soon I wish to know what

is the filing fee $$

[chadya 0]

I dont know how to answer this post, other than a personal experience that might happen any time any place ,

I came to this country as your husband did , from the same country Algeria I also spent 40 years in that country , I was healthy in my country I am healthy here too , I have a full time job I make about $500 a week ,it is easier to get a job in America . and I did not have the least troubles meeting ppl , so where is this man from whom you are talking about ?? and I also have troubles with my American wife as I would have the same problems with a woman from Algeria .

but let me ask you a couple of questions , you said in line 2 online relationship is different , yes it is , have you given him a true picture of what life in america looks like or you just promised him paradise on earth ? it did not shake me when I came expecting paradise as my wife depicted, and then it turned out to be ****** .

did you want a husband , a partner , or just a replacement ?

did you support him

did you share your life, your home with him I dont mean money , I mean have you ever considered him a human being.??

I am glad to know that you have been putting his cloths in the washing machine at least

interesting comment. it is not i who believes america to be a paradise. he believes that for himself. i, on the other hand, believe that money does not a paradise make. it is also possible that you live in a large city, whereas we live in a redneck city on the west side of the country. anyway, it appears to me you think me some kind of fool, but at least i wash clothes, maybe that is my value as a woman.. not to mention raising our child, paying the bills and buying us a house, and teaching him english. reading other posts on here, it seems people in my situation expect some fantasy life and then get surprised when it is real life instead. of course it could happen anywhere. that is exactly my point.

[chadya 0]

I dont know how to answer this post, other than a personal experience that might happen any time any place ,

I came to this country as your husband did , from the same country Algeria I also spent 40 years in that country , I was healthy in my country I am healthy here too , I have a full time job I make about $500 a week ,it is easier to get a job in America . and I did not have the least troubles meeting ppl , so where is this man from whom you are talking about ?? and I also have troubles with my American wife as I would have the same problems with a woman from Algeria .

but let me ask you a couple of questions , you said in line 2 online relationship is different , yes it is , have you given him a true picture of what life in america looks like or you just promised him paradise on earth ? it did not shake me when I came expecting paradise as my wife depicted, and then it turned out to be ****** .

did you want a husband , a partner , or just a replacement ?

did you support him

did you share your life, your home with him I dont mean money , I mean have you ever considered him a human being.??

I am glad to know that you have been putting his cloths in the washing machine at least

a replacement for what? with all due respect i am glad you had an easier time, but you are on the opposite end than i am, bieng you are the immigrant, and i am the sponsor of the immigrant.

[kaibigan 8]

I think these things would apply no matter where the person is from. Marriage is about joining two different lives together to make one new life. Adjustments and compromise will always be needed.

very true.. agreed!

and nice post OP

[chadya 0]

I wont disagree with you about things that are facts, I know a little bit about the history of America as an LPR .

my wife is a native American, we both have flaws and bad habits, I think Chadia also has some. But I think it is a little bit inappropriate to broadcast your partner's faults or even Ex- . the person you once loved and certainly loved you !

talk is cheap , and what chadia said is one side of the story , we did not hear the other part of the story did we ?

for my part I dont believe that immigrants in general fail to build successful relationships , this is awful sheesh !

finally Chadia's story does not make any logical sense to me, it may make sense if and only if the context was " racism"

chauvinism, bigotry, and so on...

ok first of all, although i dont see why i am even responding to this, i dont see where i am being a bigot by sharing that we are having the SAME problems as everyone else i know. and i know you are defensive about the idea that algeria could have flaws, but i am not making up the fact that three algerian doctors told him that he just needed to quit smoking, when in reality there was a liter and more of fluid in his lungs because his mitral valve was failing. or that the dentist who failed to give him antibiotics after pulling his abcessed teeth caused his heart failure to progress. if i had said the same comment about, say, morrocco, would you still be calling me a bigot? also, i have lived in algeria, i am not making up stories from things i have never seen. i will decline the details, but i dont think i am wrong about the conditions. there are worse places, sure. but there are issues. i dont know where you lived, but the three cities i spent the most time had the same issues.

and of course i shared only my side of my story, i cant speak for him. i never shared his faults, minus the medical issues which are tangible. i shared my own faults. which was that i was not prepared for the stress that this marriage would put me under. and the fact that its not easy to just get a job. it is not to say that i dont want him here, its just that it is not all roses, and i think it is important because i know so many people, men and women, who think somehow their foreign boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be perfect and fail to think about things that could happen once the visa comes. before the visa comes it is a romantic story, after is when life begins and we cant afford to be shortsighted. i wish someone had said this to me, because i may have considered my true level of commitment.

honestly, i am lucky he wasnt one of the millions who look for unsuspecting women or men on the internet so they can use them for a green card. should i pretend that reality doesnt exist as well? no matter what country he comes from, that could be the case too, and is probably MORE likely than just these issues with health, money, and marriage. and so how do you know who loves whom?

[trinket 30]

Medical problems can occur to anyone. I am a healthy 26 year old who never had any medical problem but boom I come to US, extreme weather change and I start having breathing problems. What is so wrong about accepting medical problems?

I find hk68 posts to be out of line; you aren't comprehending what OP has to say and only trying to be defensive because she has the Algerian connection.

I haven't been through what OP has been through and the transition for me in US and me and hubby living together has been really smooth so far. I didn't have problems communicating with people, but I had adjustments to do, especially food wise and weather wise.

There are times when you are lost, you don't know the directions of the roads, you don't know which food to order in a restaurant, you don't know which cereal to buy or which shampoo would be best for your hair, and these are small yet significant steps towards adjusting yourself to the new environment.

I hope everyone can find their way to happiness and prosperity.