LIFE IS LIFE

[chadya 0]

My husband has been here two years now. it is sometimes a good thing and sometimes i want to put him on the next plane to Algerie. but i think that is marriage because all the other marriages around me seem like the same general thing. the difference is that i really could just send him away..... but i digress.

three things. maybe more.

1. my husband lived in an underdeveloped country for 40 years and it took a toll on his body. when he came here, it all just seemed to hit him at once, and he ended up in the hospital. we ran up huge bills on a heart surgery that was caused by a childhood illness and years of neglect and sub-par medical care. i say this because it is a possiblity for anyone like him. and DSHS does offer a program for immigrants for emergency medical care. three months coverage for emergency room care and related follow up. that saved our lives.

2. online relationships are different then reality. in real life you will have to learn to live together. your spouse will not always agree with you, and you will rarely agree with them. it will be hard, after he or she has assimilated, to let go of the initial need to coddle and allow them to make their own mistakes. he or she may be stubborn and set in their ways, and will not always believe in your years and years of american experience. they also may not be the same person that you romanticized in your head while typing smileys, hearts, and sonnets to each other. they will turn out to have flaws, just like you. and maybe even things they didnt want you to know, like bad habits, or hygiene, or whatever. be prepared for a human being to get off that plane. one who is as imperfect as you are.

3. it will not be easy for them to get work. it will be extremely hard if there is a heavy accent or language barrier. do not expect to EVER receive a return on your financial investment in the marriage. you are a couple now, and therefore you should chalk it up to family expenses. two years later, the best my husband can find is a three day a week job as a janitor. he was a school administrator in Algeria. this could go on for a long time. it has been a real financial struggle for me, and i have to step back sometimes and curb my resentment, and remember what he is doing for me, (cleaning, watching the baby while i work, keeping me in line at times)

4. people will try to take advantage of his or her naivety. be careful and dont be too desperate. especially when it comes to work.

5. try very very hard to get him or her out there meeting people, americans and otherwise. they need friends, and not just your friends.

6. acceptance is the key to happiness. you cannot change your spouse into an american. you can only assist them in assimilating. if you wanted an american you should have waited and found a local. dont forghet why you chose him or her in the first place.

7. paperwork is a pain but they arent out to get you. always be prepared for extra expense when it comes to immigration paperwork. they like to tack things on out of nowhere. make double and triple copies of everything.

8. dont run his passport and k1 visa through the washing machine.

thats all.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Thank you - some wise advice. I especially enjoyed number 8 - that sounds like the voice of experience!!

[Ontarkie 14,507]

i like this part "be prepared for a human being to get off that plane. one who is as imperfect as you are".

[sara..... 371]

i loved this post it has just about anything in it that u need to know!!!!

sara

[john & jean 37]

i loved this post it has just about anything in it that u need to know!!!!

sara

'cept the part about the whole house getting moved to suit thier taste/needs

damm where is my underware today

[Zee Bee 61]

Thank you for sharing your experience

[Brit Abroad 166]

A moderator should sticky this. It's excellent advice and oh, so true.

[rebeccajo 14]

Wash the passport? Eeep!

[justashooter 430]

i loved this post it has just about anything in it that u need to know!!!!

sara

'cept the part about the whole house getting moved to suit thier taste/needs

damm where is my underware today

the business of "staking out turf" gets better with time.

great post, OP.

[venusfire503 54]

Oh, I wish I had this information a few years ago!!!

VERY well put. I also agree with the part about things being rearranged. That was a sticky issue for us for a while. I understood his need to make the place his too, but also couldn't stand things disappearing! He'd take all my things and just throw them into a box, which would then be stuck in a closet or something somewhere. It helped when he saw how upset I got when I couldn't find things, but I think what really made a difference was moving to a new place together as opposed to him moving into 'my' place.

Poor guy.

It's good now.

venusfire

[tamirpcv 0]

I really liked this post too. I'll keep these things in mind when my fiance gets here We've already lived together so maybe, hopefully it'll be a teeny tiny bit better. Thanks!!!

[Ed+Cindy 1]

Oh, I wish I had this information a few years ago!!!

VERY well put. I also agree with the part about things being rearranged. That was a sticky issue for us for a while. I understood his need to make the place his too, but also couldn't stand things disappearing! He'd take all my things and just throw them into a box, which would then be stuck in a closet or something somewhere. It helped when he saw how upset I got when I couldn't find things, but I think what really made a difference was moving to a new place together as opposed to him moving into 'my' place.

Poor guy.

It's good now.

venusfire

Haha, what's really funny is the opposite for us...I used to live in NZ with my fiance and now that I've moved back to the US (while she still there waiting), she can't find anything

This is a great, realistic posting about life, by the way.

And, yeah, you need to move to a new place that's neutral ground.

[hk68 0]

I dont know how to answer this post, other than a personal experience that might happen any time any place ,

I came to this country as your husband did , from the same country Algeria I also spent 40 years in that country , I was healthy in my country I am healthy here too , I have a full time job I make about $500 a week ,it is easier to get a job in America . and I did not have the least troubles meeting ppl , so where is this man from whom you are talking about ?? and I also have troubles with my American wife as I would have the same problems with a woman from Algeria .

but let me ask you a couple of questions , you said in line 2 online relationship is different , yes it is , have you given him a true picture of what life in america looks like or you just promised him paradise on earth ? it did not shake me when I came expecting paradise as my wife depicted, and then it turned out to be ****** .

did you want a husband , a partner , or just a replacement ?

did you support him

did you share your life, your home with him I dont mean money , I mean have you ever considered him a human being.??

I am glad to know that you have been putting his cloths in the washing machine at least

[Mononoke28 135]

chadya,

You said it sister! My husband also came to the US to be with me and it was a difficult adjustment at first to say the very least. It took a lot of understanding from both of us to make it work and for me to accept the fact that financially it would be (and still is) a struggle until he can move ahead in this country.

Once we got those things down pat everything else was cake.

Thanks for posting, it was a great read.

Diana

[Saska+Tim 7]

This is a great, realistic posting about life, by the way.

I absolutely agree