Married To A German :)

[Melian 0]

My fiance doesn't slip back into speaking English on purpose, it's just habit, since he's fluent in it and we've been speaking English to each other from the beginning. I'm driven to learn German, though - I think part of it is my competitive side being annoyed that he's bilingual and I'm not, plus I just find the language and the learning process fascinating in their own right. I wish I had more time to devote to learning, but grad school and my kids eat up most of my time.

I'd love to move to Germany some day, but that's impossible for the foreseeable future since my kids from my first marriage visit their father twice a week, and I can't get out of that arrangement. I've been there twice, though, and I miss it and look forward to going again, even though I'm terrified of flying. Next month the future in-laws are visiting for the first time, and we're planning our small, last minute wedding to coincide with their visit (we just set the date this week, though we've been engaged for almost 2 years). MIL speaks some English - better than I speak German, anyway - but FIL doesn't speak a word of it. One of these days I'll attempt to speak some German to them, and probably get laughed at, too. (Actually, what I hate more than being laughed at is: a couple times I've said something in German to my fiance or one of his friends only to have them not understand me! Now that's discouraging.)

Someone mentioned cultural differences/misunderstandings - I've been waiting for some to crop up, but we really haven't had any. The cultural differences really seem trivial (eating differently - we've teased each other about that a bit). There were a couple of linguistic misunderstandings early on due to my fiance saying "when" when he meant "if", but his English is pretty much perfect by now and that doesn't happen anymore.

[panterchen 1]

I don't know maybe we are just different because we have had tons of misunderstandings which we figured were mainly cultural. Something like either one of us has an expectations on how something works (be it how to hang a picture or how to behave towards people we just get to know) and since those are different a lot of times we talk past each other or get confused. It is hard to explain but we kind of got the feeling that yes American and German culture seem to be pretty similar from the outside but that once you dig deeper (traditions, customs, habits, behavior) they are really on opposite spectrums, e.g. Germans being pessimistic most of the times and Americans being so overly optimistic (my point of view ). Sometimes that just frustrates me because I feel he is taking things not seriously enough and he feels I am just a big worrier. Lol.

You guys mentioned visits to Germany and homesickness. I just got here in February but I hope that we will be able to spend Christmas at home with my family in Germany and hopefully we will be able to travel there once a year in the future. I really miss home, my family and my friends. But I am sure this homesickness will eventually fade once my life here gets started. We just moved to another city away from where he used to be and so it is just natural that we will have to establish some social networks (friends) and get into jobs before we really start feeling at 'home'.

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

I don't know maybe we are just different because we have had tons of misunderstandings which we figured were mainly cultural. Something like either one of us has an expectations on how something works (be it how to hang a picture or how to behave towards people we just get to know) and since those are different a lot of times we talk past each other or get confused. It is hard to explain but we kind of got the feeling that yes American and German culture seem to be pretty similar from the outside but that once you dig deeper (traditions, customs, habits, behavior) they are really on opposite spectrums, e.g. Germans being pessimistic most of the times and Americans being so overly optimistic (my point of view ). Sometimes that just frustrates me because I feel he is taking things not seriously enough and he feels I am just a big worrier. Lol.

My wife and I are the exact opposite. She is the care free German spirit and I'm always looking for the hidden strings. I swear that girl would have us on every telemarketing calling list and mailer if I let her fill out even half of the ####### she sees in conventions and shows. Oh, and she believes almost everything she sees on TV e.g. infomercials and product pitches.

Sometimes I just have to laugh until I cry!

[Philosykos 0]

American and German culture seem to be pretty similar from the outside but that once you dig deeper (traditions, customs, habits, behavior) they are really on opposite spectrums, e.g. Germans being pessimistic most of the times and Americans being so overly optimistic (my point of view ). Sometimes that just frustrates me because I feel he is taking things not seriously enough and he feels I am just a big worrier. Lol.

It's the same for us, and I have been wondering if it is at least partially cultural... Although it is true that I often tend to worry more than necessary.

Edited April 20, 2009 by Philosykos

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I tend to agree that it isn't so much a cultural difference as Type A/Type B personality difference. I've met plenty of Germans who lived by the seat of their pants. I've met plenty of Americans who very conservative and cautious decision makers. Hard to generalize about that type of thing.

The main things that stuck out to me in the interpersonal realm were:

1) Personal space issues.

2) Answering the phone with your name.

3) Cashiers who made no attempt to hide that they hated life.

As far as different thought processes, I ended up with a problem where I don't know when you are really expected to be a real, completely independent adult in Germany (26-28?), but it is long after you are expected to be one in the US, particularly for men. I still know people there approaching 30 who are still bankrolled partially by mommy and daddy. People who were 35-36 who were just professional students and never had a real job. I had no idea what I was getting into with that to be completely honest. Not anything you learn about in any German culture course...It was really flooring to find out that you could sue your parents up until the age of 26 for financial support for your first post-secondary education. That was a jaw dropping ####### moment for me. Certainally is possible to find people more mature and adult younger than that, but it didn't tend to be the norm in the circles I ran around with.

Edited April 20, 2009 by Wacken

[Dr. Obvious 49]

LOL, now that I've thought about it, for balance, here are some things my husband complained or said to me about the US:

1) People are pointlessly polite. Like they say 'excuse me, sir' when they walk or have to get by you.

2) The weeks begin on Sunday. This causes confusion in our household when I mean next week starting Sunday and he means it starting Monday.

3) I was definitely right, Indiana is lacking in a lot of ways, in his opinion.

4) The roads are #######. Every pothole seems to burn into his soul.

Edited April 20, 2009 by Wacken

[Philosykos 0]

As far as different thought processes, I ended up with a problem where I don't know when you are really expected to be a real, completely independent adult in Germany (26-28?), but it is long after you are expected to be one in the US, particularly for men. I still know people there approaching 30 who are still bankrolled partially by mommy and daddy. People who were 35-36 who were just professional students and never had a real job. I had no idea what I was getting into with that to be completely honest. Not anything you learn about in any German culture course...It was really flooring to find out that you could sue your parents up until the age of 26 for financial support for your first post-secondary education. That was a jaw dropping ####### moment for me. Certainally is possible to find people more mature and adult younger than that, but it didn't tend to be the norm in the circles I ran around with.

I think the "professional students" are certainly an exception, but it is true that parents are legally required to pay for their children's college degree if they have the means to do so. That's because if they don't, the government has to support the children. I don't think this is a matter of not being mature or adult, but simply an aspect of the more social approach to education in Germany. I firmly believe that people, if they choose to have children, are responsible for supporting them until they have the means to be truly independent, i.e. until they have obtained some sort of professional degree, and that they can't expect their kids to plunge into debt in order to get an education...

Edited April 20, 2009 by Philosykos

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Well to me it is a cultural difference in respect to maturity and adulthood. Here when you are 18 you are basically on your own. Your parents have an ethical obligation MAYBE to support you through college, but absolutely no legal obligation. At 18, you are an adult. By 22-23, it is expected that you should be nearly ready to be completely independent. If not going to school, you should have a full-time job or somehow be supporting yourself. Lots of people in my area get married around 22-25, have kids soon after. That's life here. My family and friends were very supportive of me getting married. After all, why not? I was nearly 23, out of school. Hell, lots of people get married while still students, it's no big deal.

With my husband's family and friends, omg, you thought the goddamnn world was going to end and I HAD NO IDEA WHY. It took me living there for at least a year to finally start to get it. They just have a completely different idea of what people my age at that time were supposed to be like. Completely different expectations. I finally understood when it came out that some of my FIL's initial reservation about the marriage was that I could sue him through his son to support me*. #######??? This is just absolutely unthinkable here in the US. I was an adult and the strings were cut a long time ago. I had grown up not to expect a dime from my parents, what would make me or anyone else think I would get money from them? I was insulted and infuriated to say the least. It was the biggest cultural conflict/problem that I experienced in Germany, bar none.

*My husband was studying/worked part-time, I worked part-time. When I first moved there, our rent, food, and insurance, and bus pass were around 550 a month, so yeah...

Edited April 20, 2009 by Wacken

[Aubrey 10]

LOL, now that I've thought about it, for balance, here are some things my husband complained or said to me about the US:

1) People are pointlessly polite. Like they say 'excuse me, sir' when they walk or have to get by you.

2) The weeks begin on Sunday. This causes confusion in our household when I mean next week starting Sunday and he means it starting Monday.

3) I was definitely right, Indiana is lacking in a lot of ways, in his opinion.

4) The roads are #######. Every pothole seems to burn into his soul.

That's funny that #1 was a complaint. My SO was surprised but really got to like how friendly and polite everyone has been (especially in my little town). The gravel roads in some places freaked him out and that there was not a shoulder everywhere. The grocery store service -- not having to bag stuff yourself (and having bags at all), and the lack of full and complete required recycling -- I think that one especially is going to take a long time to adapt to.

But there's other cultural differences, that I agree, can be more subtle. I'm familiar with the "professional student" thing that Wacken is talking about. I'm sure if school were as cheap here then we'd have that issue, too. The lack of real holidays off here, the job application process -- well, there are more than a few we've noticed and caused confusion. I'd say there's more cultural differences than may be overtly obvious.

[veronicavonn 7]

On the topic of "when minors in Germany become 18, they are an adult."

My stepson is 17. He will be 18 in November, so, we've got about 6 months. Last week he received a phone call from our insurance company (from my husband's work). They were calling to see when my stepson would be starting a job because, apparently, as soon as he starts his own job and is 18, he will be kicked off of my husbands insurance.

I was shocked by this phone call. I had to have my husband explain it to me.

The INSURANCE company is calling your 17 YEAR OLD SON to (basically) tell him to get his own insurance?! WOW.

I explained that in California, a child can be on their parents insurance until they are 22 years old, so long as they are enrolled in college.

[veronicavonn 7]

OH YEAH -

My pictures on the previous page (page 3) are showing in the thread, however, Dr. ZoSo said that they cannot see them.

Does anyone else see the photos?

I sure can..

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

OH YEAH -

My pictures on the previous page (page 3) are showing in the thread, however, Dr. ZoSo said that they cannot see them.

Does anyone else see the photos?

I sure can..

I have checked the pictures from two different computers and still can not see them.

Sorry

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

3) Cashiers who made no attempt to hide that they hated life.

You need to explain that one a little better. I am laughing so hard on teh inside right now you have no idea.

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

2) The weeks begin on Sunday. This causes confusion in our household when I mean next week starting Sunday and he means it starting Monday.

I never thought about this aspect before. Your right, and now that I do think about it, it clears up some misunderstandings I ran into on the few times I was over in Germany with my wife visiting her family.

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

How about this aspect:

When my wife first came to the US (before we met) she couldn't get over the fact that many stores were open not only on Sunday but as well as 24 hours in some places.

Her parents often remark when they come over how we will need to go shopping on Saturday before the stores close on Sunday.

The last time we were in Germany was October of last year. We went shopping for food on a Saturday. As it turned out, it was the pay day for many people the Friday before. As you know, many people in Germany get paid only once a month. To get to the point.....I have never seen so many people in one store unless they were giving away everything for free in my life.

It was a complete fiasco. Like Black Friday at Best Buy!