What about after the move?

[July09Bride 1]

This is a subject that hits very close to home for me. My husband moved to the U.S. in June 2008 on his K-1 visa. He came from a very small town in Canada (Campbell River), and he lived with his family (mom and sisters) at the time that he moved down. He'd worked odd jobs in Canada. He didn't have a lot of possessions when he came here--just his computer and clothes, basically.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty well settled in my career and I own my own house, so it made a lot of sense for my husband to just move down and bring his stuff to here and for us to make the transition from this being MY house to becoming OUR home.

We talked about it a lot before he moved down here because it really looked like there was going to be an unequal "balance of power" between the two of us, given how well I was doing with my career and how he was just starting out--and pretty much "starting over" from square one with his life. One really important thing we agreed on that helped ease the pressure is that we made an agreement about several things, which are as follow:

(1) As long as we're married, this is not "my house." This is "our home." This house is as much my husband's as it is mine. He has just as much of a right to make decisions about it as I do.

(2) No matter how angry we get at one another, we are NOT ALLOWED to say the following things to each other:

Me: "Get out of my house."

Him: "Maybe I should just leave and go back to Canada."

Of course, my husband sort of broke his end of this deal--that was a big fiasco, but it's blown over now. We've since gone over this again and have reaffirmed this promise.

Anyway--having an agreement about certain things helps prevent (or at least mitigate) a lot of problems. Another thing that might help transition you from this being "your house" to "our home" is to shop for major furniture/appliances, etc., together. If you need a new washing machine, for example, shop for it together. Let him give you an opinion about which one you two should get.

Buying stuff and doing little special things for your husband and giving him lots of love and affection is really, really good--but you're still going to run into problems and may end up feeling very taken advantage of if, for example, you go way out of your way to give your husband everything he needs and wants, but he's still unhappy because he misses Canada. Or he feels like his freedom has been squealched and his sole purpose of life is to "do your bidding. It's really rough to have to deal with that stuff. It's hard to know what to do, and most of the time, talking to your friends and family doesn't help very much because they haven't been through your situation and have never had to deal with anything like it--so, they don't get it and may put it in your head that your husband is being a selfish ingrate (which is not true).

One special challenge you may face is that you're female and are bringing a male to the U.S. as an immigrant. This presents certain special issues. Sometimes men feel like, if they can't be the breadwinners, it hurts their pride and makes them feel like less of a man. My husband is very laid back and doesn't care about that stuff, so I was lucky in that aspect. BUT. One thing I've had a really rough time dealing with is that my husband isn't as connected with his emotions as I am.

Sometimes he will be feeling lonely or homesick or something and doesn't know how to talk to me about it. Sometimes he feels like it's inappropriate to say anything. Other times, he'll get really moody and snap at me and doesn't really understand why he's doing it; he'll just shut down. And no matter how hard I try--no matter how much effort I put forth--he won't open up to me. It really sucks. I have tried everything from sitting down and hugging him and using sweet words to make him feel better to screaming at him out of frustration and punching the wall. Both reactions yielded similar results--absolutely no response from him. Sometimes I felt like I was going to go crazy with anger and frustration.

It's not to say that this is what all men do, but these are some challenges that you may have to face in the future. I think that the most important thing that you can do in helping your husband adjust--even in light of some very difficult and heart-crushing probelms you may have to face--is to be tenacious. Don't give up on him, no matter how much you will want to. And be sure to hang on to your ability to forgive. You will SO need it.

This might not mean anything to you right now. Eight months ago, when I was sooo in love and sooo excited about my husband moving down and our getting married, I wouldn't have ever dreamed we'd have the kinds of problems that we've had to face. I'm sure that everything will be fine in my marriage, and I think that you, too, will have a very happy and successful marriage. If you run into the sorts of problems I've described above, just know that you are NOT alone and that everything will work out.

Wow... I think that's about where I'm headed. We've already had the "It's your house, not mine" conversations. It kills me every time he does that, too. In fact, we were talking just last night. He has many, many, many books. He had a hard conversation with his great-aunt (whom he lives with to help her out) about some financial issues, and because of that hard conversation I told him I had been thinking about his books. I asked him where he thought they could/should go inside the house. We settled on one of the upstairs bedrooms. One is a true bedroom (guest room) and the other is the computer room. I don't really use the computer room anymore since I have a laptop (wow, has my computer usage and Internet surfing gone up since then!!!).

Well, I have an open bookcase with colored file boxes sorting random stuff (notecards, computer cables, etc.) and I mentioned how we could put his books on there. That was NOT what he wanted to hear. Well, after much consternation, he finally let it out that it wasn't about just the books and them being displayed (like I had thought)... for him it was about the books AND them being in bookcases that are familiar to him. So, we had a major gap in communication about books, of all things. Before we had that understanding, he got truly frustrated over the LACK of the books INSIDE actual bookcases and said some not-so-nice things. I tried to keep it all in perspective, thinking about his wanting to be around his things, of which there isn't much. I mean, even his clothes... there aren't many.

He is employed but working on his own as a website developer/designer. Unfortunately, there isn't much money coming in right now for that. I calculated what his income is, and it doesn't even match our poverty level in the US. I'm gtting frustrated b/c I can cover myself right now and my bills, and what he makes covers his bills. But, he doesn't have much aspiration to do much more. He LOVES what he does and wants to do more work - which in turn would mean making more money. But, if the work isn't working for himself as a web developer/designer, he doesn't do much of anything. I work my ####### off working 3 jobs (teaching during the day, coaching at a gym, and I do the graphic design for the websites he develops) in order to have the lifestyle I have.

He comes from not much; comes from a non-supportive family (don't even get me going abput our wedding) -- when I say non-supportive, I mean they watch each other stuggle and no one steps up to assist another and are very quick to judge; non-communicative family; and a non-emotional family where the mom can cry and scream, but God-forbid anyone else have a sad or upset emotion, for they'll get made fun of. Here's the interesting part... he thought I was weird with how much my family and I talk. He lost his dad when he was 16 and no one really talks in his family. He got to spend a lot of time with my family this past summer, and for most intents and purposes he considers my step-dad (who I count to be my "real dad") like his dad. He appreciates my family more than his own. IN fact, he wants to be closer to my family out in Arizona and get away from where we are. He wants our kids to grow up around my nieces and nephews - who would be their cousins. He wants to be part of Sunday family dinners, Bar-b-ques... all of the things he's never had, he wants and can have with my family.

There is a running joke he keeps saying, but the more he says it, the more I don't think it's a joke. He says, "What will you do with me once the nostalgia wears off?" I keep telling him that there is more to him coming over here than the nostalgia of him being around all of the time. We've spent 9 years apart and this will be a HUGE adjustment for both of us. I really am excited for him to come over here and want to start a life together. I really like what you said about how you have the 2 phrases you promise never to say. I think that's something we need to approach as well.

Please don't be surprised if you get messages from me if the going gets tough. You're right. People who aren't in this kind of a situation really don't understand. They might no sympathize or empathize in the way I may need it. Thank you SOOOOO much for your thoughts and your kind words. I will definitely keep this information close at hand.

[Krikit 1,165]

The good news is that it's a passing phase. I found the first year to be the worst. After you're through the AOS process and have become to familiarize yourself with your surroundings and the American way of life, you settle in quite peacefully. It's quite traumatic moving away from everything and everyone you've known, so you're really quite fragile and sensitive about things. And then, on top of that, you're also dealing with the adjustment to being married and living and sharing the same household day after day. That's not something to take lightly, either. Both adults are trying to jockey for their "space" and adapt to each other and the way each of them do things. Either one of these life-changing events can be quite challenging. But combine the two of them in one shot and you have the recipe for a disaster. Definitely not for the timid.

[July09Bride 1]

The good news is that it's a passing phase. I found the first year to be the worst. After you're through the AOS process and have become to familiarize yourself with your surroundings and the American way of life, you settle in quite peacefully. It's quite traumatic moving away from everything and everyone you've known, so you're really quite fragile and sensitive about things. And then, on top of that, you're also dealing with the adjustment to being married and living and sharing the same household day after day. That's not something to take lightly, either. Both adults are trying to jockey for their "space" and adapt to each other and the way each of them do things. Either one of these life-changing events can be quite challenging. But combine the two of them in one shot and you have the recipe for a disaster. Definitely not for the timid.

I totally agree, Krikit! We'll just have to see how the whole thing plays out. Life is, what it is. We've been through a lot, and I need to remember the !!!"thick skin" concept!!! as well as remember that these are changes for both us. No longer visits... but life.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Wow... I think that's about where I'm headed. We've already had the "It's your house, not mine" conversations. It kills me every time he does that, too. In fact, we were talking just last night. He has many, many, many books. He had a hard conversation with his great-aunt (whom he lives with to help her out) about some financial issues, and because of that hard conversation I told him I had been thinking about his books. I asked him where he thought they could/should go inside the house. We settled on one of the upstairs bedrooms. One is a true bedroom (guest room) and the other is the computer room. I don't really use the computer room anymore since I have a laptop (wow, has my computer usage and Internet surfing gone up since then!!!).

Well, I have an open bookcase with colored file boxes sorting random stuff (notecards, computer cables, etc.) and I mentioned how we could put his books on there. That was NOT what he wanted to hear. Well, after much consternation, he finally let it out that it wasn't about just the books and them being displayed (like I had thought)... for him it was about the books AND them being in bookcases that are familiar to him. So, we had a major gap in communication about books, of all things. Before we had that understanding, he got truly frustrated over the LACK of the books INSIDE actual bookcases and said some not-so-nice things. I tried to keep it all in perspective, thinking about his wanting to be around his things, of which there isn't much. I mean, even his clothes... there aren't many.

He is employed but working on his own as a website developer/designer. Unfortunately, there isn't much money coming in right now for that. I calculated what his income is, and it doesn't even match our poverty level in the US. I'm gtting frustrated b/c I can cover myself right now and my bills, and what he makes covers his bills. But, he doesn't have much aspiration to do much more. He LOVES what he does and wants to do more work - which in turn would mean making more money. But, if the work isn't working for himself as a web developer/designer, he doesn't do much of anything. I work my ####### off working 3 jobs (teaching during the day, coaching at a gym, and I do the graphic design for the websites he develops) in order to have the lifestyle I have.

He comes from not much; comes from a non-supportive family (don't even get me going abput our wedding) -- when I say non-supportive, I mean they watch each other stuggle and no one steps up to assist another and are very quick to judge; non-communicative family; and a non-emotional family where the mom can cry and scream, but God-forbid anyone else have a sad or upset emotion, for they'll get made fun of. Here's the interesting part... he thought I was weird with how much my family and I talk. He lost his dad when he was 16 and no one really talks in his family. He got to spend a lot of time with my family this past summer, and for most intents and purposes he considers my step-dad (who I count to be my "real dad") like his dad. He appreciates my family more than his own. IN fact, he wants to be closer to my family out in Arizona and get away from where we are. He wants our kids to grow up around my nieces and nephews - who would be their cousins. He wants to be part of Sunday family dinners, Bar-b-ques... all of the things he's never had, he wants and can have with my family.

There is a running joke he keeps saying, but the more he says it, the more I don't think it's a joke. He says, "What will you do with me once the nostalgia wears off?" I keep telling him that there is more to him coming over here than the nostalgia of him being around all of the time. We've spent 9 years apart and this will be a HUGE adjustment for both of us. I really am excited for him to come over here and want to start a life together. I really like what you said about how you have the 2 phrases you promise never to say. I think that's something we need to approach as well.

Please don't be surprised if you get messages from me if the going gets tough. You're right. People who aren't in this kind of a situation really don't understand. They might no sympathize or empathize in the way I may need it. Thank you SOOOOO much for your thoughts and your kind words. I will definitely keep this information close at hand.

Thanks for the very nice response. I appreciate your sharing about your soon-to-be husband, and of course I'm happy for you to talk to me whenever you want. In fact, I'm going to add you as one of my friends, once I figure out how to do it (I haven't had a ton of time to play with the VJ Web site yet).

Your soon-to-be husband actually sounds a lot like my husband, Sean. We were together for nearly five years before we got married. We'd been doing the whole long-distance relationship thing and had to survive the visa process and being separated for months at a time, and I thought that made us pretty tough and that if we could handle THAT, we could handle anything. I wasn't prepared for these kinds of homesickness/marriage problems at ALL. I had this sort of arrogance about Sean's and my relationship because we'd survived such tough times already, really knew each other well and had taken thing slow in our relationship (we were engaged for three years to allow time for me to finish my undergrad degree). I was taken completely by surprise. I'm still learning how to deal with a lot of this stuff, so maybe we can help each other along the way.

I can understand your SO's point of view about the books and the bookcase. It stems from the fact that guys need their "man space"--he needs a place that's his. Sean was like that, too. I jokingly (but not so jokingly) tell people that I knew the exact day that Sean had "settled in" here. It was the day he somehow managed to hook up his computer to the TV in the living room so that he could lie on the couch and still surf the 'net. In fact, I remember buying him a new wireless mouse and keyboard so he could do just that, and I put a mini fridge next to the couch so that he can just lean over and get a soda, whenever he wants. Sean feels like the living room is his area. All his video game systems, movies, and computer stuff is here. He lounges around shirtless and lazes about on the couch--and he's happy as a clam! It's actually really cute--it melts my heart to see him do that!

I'm still working through issues of Sean having a tendency to say some not-so-nice things to me when he's upset about something, and then refusing to talk about what's making him so upset. I have a suggestion if this comes up for you, although I don't know how well it will work since Sean and I haven't had a chance to test it yet (we're trying it out, next time this issue comes up). If Sean gets crabby and shuts down, instead of doing ANYTHING--be it be nice and sweet to him or scream at him and punch something--I'm going to say to him, "Let's put this whole issue on hold for an hour--do whatever we want separate from one another--and then we'll come back to it and talk." That might help. I'll let you know how it goes!

Anyway, I have guests over and need to cut out here in a second, but I just wanted to say again--thanks for sharing your experiences, and feel free to talk to me whenever you'd like. And, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!