Should I stop the process?

[July09Bride 1]

You know, sometimes you read things that seem to be posted at exactly the right time. Last night we had an extremely hard time talking. The waiting, the emotions, I had reached the "throwing my hands in the air" point last night. I tossed and turned all night and then got up this morning and started reading here and discovered that we have all been through this, to some degree. It's normal. That makes me feel so much better. I don't even really belong in the Canadian forum but just happened to drop in and read the original post. So, thanks to all of you - I hope this helps the OP, but really, you guys have helped ME today. Thanks!

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.... So glad we could help in some sort of way! If this is what is meant to be, you WILL make it through the rough times and everything will work out the way it is supposed to be! Best of luck to you!

[missmissy 38]

You know, sometimes you read things that seem to be posted at exactly the right time. Last night we had an extremely hard time talking. The waiting, the emotions, I had reached the "throwing my hands in the air" point last night. I tossed and turned all night and then got up this morning and started reading here and discovered that we have all been through this, to some degree. It's normal. That makes me feel so much better. I don't even really belong in the Canadian forum but just happened to drop in and read the original post. So, thanks to all of you - I hope this helps the OP, but really, you guys have helped ME today. Thanks!

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.... So glad we could help in some sort of way! If this is what is meant to be, you WILL make it through the rough times and everything will work out the way it is supposed to be! Best of luck to you!

Thanks! We're going to be fine - it was just so great to read that I am not the only one feeling the roller coaster ride. I firmly believe that anything (or anyone) worth having, is worth the hard work.....thanks again. BTW - I love the Canadian forum, I'm a frequent "lurker."

[Emancipation 2]

BTW - I love the Canadian forum, I'm a frequent "lurker."

Awe.. we has a fan!!!

[July09Bride 1]

BTW - I love the Canadian forum, I'm a frequent "lurker."

Awe.. we has a fan!!!

Lurk away!!!!!

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Aloha

Everyone thank you for taking the time to post a thought or two. Part of the reason I think the forum is way better than a shrink is that collectively many very valid points where made, giving me many things to think about, and really defined down the situation.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her.

YES! I started talking with her last night. More talking is needed.

she's got a case of 'cold feet.'

Me too! I think everyone gets this feeling from time to time. I am trying to determine if it is just cold feet, or something more

Also Amber this might be something you already know about Dima. Belorussians are very reserved in general. They don't like to talk about future plans - especially positive ones, in case it doesn't happen. They don't want to be disappointed. I have heard this so many times. They have a concept about black jealousy, being jealous of any one else's success. And they don't others to look at them with an evil eye. So I am having a dificult time separating the cultural differences, from the GF's personality, from the nervousness of moving, from is there a bigger problem?

my SO is from belarus as well; however, he has poor opinions about his own government and economy and only sees opportunity in the US

Ask him what his friends think about the USA. Get an honest answer out of him and you may be surprised. The USA has a serious image problem in Belarus. You may already know about it.

requires a lot of faith and a huge level of commitment.

Amen sister! I will add that I have been previously married and this maybe making me, "once bitten, twice shy"

you need to be very very sure this is what you want

This is the difficult part. Making 100% sure that we both want the same thing.

I just wouldn't make any rash decisions until you are 100% sure that is what you want.

Ask those tough questions...and if they're not what you want to hear, even if she's being honest with you, then you really need to look at the relationship and if this is something you really want to pursue.

No rash decisions. Being slow and careful in this regard, I think will go a long way toward the future.

I have to prepare myself or get used to the idea that I really have to watch and conserve my budget

I think this was a cold bucket of water to her. She was thinking my income level was very high, and I owned a money tree. It has taken quite a bit of explaining that the cost of living in Hawaii is significantly higher than Belarus. She doesn't really think in Canadian dollar terms most of the time. I then explained that yes my salary is $X, but also my rent is $X. Which is X% of my salary. When I started explaining things in percentages, she seemed to have better understanding. Still at times I wonder.

keep your focus on the reasons why you wanted to join each other and to be strong throughout this proces

Point well taken

nd he is soooo sick of talking about immigration and the effects it has

I am thinking she may be tired talking about it too. I am thinking maybe a cooling off period is needed. I will try not to focus so much on paperwork - which she hates, and more about what our life will be like together.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

but I'm wondering how she came to be in Canada?

She got a work visa, to be a live-in caregiver.

and I didn't see one word about "love"

Is this woman the love of your life?

All that aside, what Carla asked is really the most important. You do not mention that you love her. You really only have to ask yourself two questions. Do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

Very astute of you Carla and Trailmix. Thank you for picking up on that one. Unconsciencly I didn't even realize I did not write about it. For me Love is a very difficult concept. I have been married before and I thought she loved me. She may have, but Love doesn't equal marriage. So when tells me they are in love with me, I still have a little bit of --- yes, but what does that mean.

Would you move to Canada if she decided she didn't want to move to the US?

How old are you both? While that may seem like a silly question

Impossible for me to move to Canada since I don't have enough points, and she isn't a citizen. I checked about the possiblity of moving to Canada

Not a silly question, yes one does see life differently when they are 24 vs 44. I'm 35 and she is 30, so we both have been around the block, but she hasn't been married before. Neither of us have children.

and perhaps she's troubled by having to move again

Last night that seem to be a HUGE theme - starting over again. And I understand about it, because when I moved to Hawaii, I had to start all over again. Granted easier for me, since I am already a citizen and I know how the system works, but still I can relate.

she does know if she stays for the Olympics next year that you will forfeit the visa.

Clever one that she is, she saw that the NOA2 is good until Sep 09, she said she could schedule the interview in Sep 09 and then have 6 months to enter the USA which would give her until Mar 2010.

Her responses to you can be taken two ways really - she may just be having second thoughts or she may just be reacting to what you are saying - I think there are two sides here (of course).

Da, Da, Da!

There is where I am wondering if we are mirroring each other or is something else on the horizon. If one person is unhappy, that unhappiness can be mirrored back, which in turn mirrors back again. Vicious cycle it can be, so I am trying to clear the air and make sure I stay positive, and try and get some positive feed back from her.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

then there is every possibility that you may not be able to withstand the adjustment phase she will undoubtably go through once she gets here

It is possible. I am not the easiest guy in the world to live with.

Read some of the stories in Effects of Major Family Change Forums on this board

I will take a look at them.

and it seems to be a reoccurring theme that some of the hunches and fears that people had just before they get married come back to haunt them post wedding

Yes, trying to avoid being a casuality on the highway of love.

I am trying to be careful and avoiding mis-steping. Additonally I know you have to put yourself out there and take the risk. Life with out risks has no rewards.

If my hubby lived in Hawaii I would be JUMPING at the chance to move from Canada.

Always welcome to visit, I am a very good host. Truly I am.

It seems to me that you guys moved pretty quickly on this and the thing that really jumps out to me is the cultural difference that you guys have.

I don't know if there is a correct pace for everyone. I felt I was moving at the right pace, but a few times she commented she thought we were moving very quickly. So, this could be part of the issue.

Belarus and USA have very different cultures on some things. Amazes me sometimes. Almost everyday I am learning something new. Although sometimes I am wondering if she is putting as much effort as possible to learn what Americans are really like. Television shows and movies are NOT what America is about, unfortunately for a huge percentage og the world that is all they see about the USA and they think it is factual.

she really seems to like her job

She hates her job (live-in caregiver), but it is hard coded into her that she must have a job. Soviet unbringing where there was NO unemployment. Additionally she has said a few times she doesn't want to be financally dependent on me. She has a very fierce independent streak, however there is no way she can bounce when she lands here and get a $50K a year job. It just can't happen.

I just wanted to add that I know it must be hard to put these kind of thoughts into a post on a forum, these doubts and I truly hope that you find out sooner rather than later what it is you must do. I send you best wishes and a hug.

when we were both ready to throw our hands up and say forget it

Very very very difficult. I was thinking, I can't be the only person thinking this way, and lo and behold the responses (i.e missmissy) show I am not alone in this regard. Sometimes it really helps to hear that others have been where you currently are. Additionally, you have to be true and honest with yourself, and sometimes their is pain and consequences, but c'est la vie. Thanks for the well wishes, really need them.

You know, sometimes you read things that seem to be posted at exactly the right time.

Glad you got some advice, comfort from the responses. Best of luck to you too!

Awe.. we has a fan

Several fans!

Thank you again everyone. I know I must talk quite a bit more to her about "us". Maybe we are heading the right direction and everything is fine; but I always like to check the map.

[JillA 2]

EasyT,

Just to note this part you said:

"Clever one that she is, she saw that the NOA2 is good until Sep 09, she said she could schedule the interview in Sep 09 and then have 6 months to enter the USA which would give her until Mar 2010."

She can't "schedule" The interview, it's not your choice. They assign you the interview date, you don't get to pick it.

[coldwatersurf 5]

Question: Where does your spouse live?

another note... I live in Vancouver and there are A LOT of upgrades happening here. I hate it... so many construction and etc. Everyone is waiting for their property prices to increase. Roads are expanding, and the transportation is being constructed and its almost done. i know its a great opportunity for everyone and its personally great employment opportunity for me b/c i work in the events industry. At the same time, everything is on demand. Which means costs for a lot of things will increase. I am the exact opposite... i am looking to get out of here BEFORE the olympics Parts of downtown will be closed for the olympics. Many events have been booked already. There are a lot of competition. Probably, if she doesnt live in vancouver already, she will have a hard time looking to rent a place close to the city that is "affordable". Granted, she's already a live in care giver but if she is waiting for the olympics, wouldnt she have to move? or will she be staying with her current employer?

I suggest doing the pros and cons. That is what I did with my hubby and it really pointed out what is really really important and what is the best solutions.

[minnew 4]

EasyT,

Just to note this part you said:

"Clever one that she is, she saw that the NOA2 is good until Sep 09, she said she could schedule the interview in Sep 09 and then have 6 months to enter the USA which would give her until Mar 2010."

She can't "schedule" The interview, it's not your choice. They assign you the interview date, you don't get to pick it.

Hi there! I don't mean to jump on your thread I just wanted to point out that the new Vancouver checklist has a spot where you can put preferred appointment dates, still does not mean it will be granted.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

We had a very very very long intimate conversation. There are plenty of cultural differences between Eastern Europeans and Americans. One of them being highly guarded. Although she trusts me to the nth degree, there is still a thing about not talking about emotional things. Additonally not talking about something or making plans because there is a fear that it won't happen.

If I would talk about planning something she would remind me that you never know about the dates things will happen. It turns out she was referring to mutual friends Steve and Larisa who had to wait about 1 year to get their approval. It took them that long because he didn't have is original divorce decree, and she needed to go back to the embassy multiple times. Additionally he had filed for a K3 visa the prior year, which puts him in to the extra review pile.

After getting the letter from the consulate yesterday, quite a bit of her fears were past her. She finally talked about how stressed out she is with the prospect of moving, getting a job, i.e. starting all over again. And she didn't want to mention it because she thought I would be worried, and that I might change my mind about marrying her. I spent quite a bit of time trying to help her imagine what her life would be like in Hawaii and what are lives together would be like.

Reassured it is normal to have fear and stress but we will get through it together.

She then spent the next 10 minutes telling how much I mean to her, loves me, and couldn't imagine life without me. And a whole bunch of other mushy things that should not be repeated here.

Definitely cheered me up, and really helped confirm how much I love her and can't wait to be with her soon.

[Krikit 1,163]

I am so glad it all worked out for you, EasyT.

[trailmix 77]

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Thanks everyone for their input. It really helped me get my head together and have a very clear and concise conversation. There will be more discussion in the future and more effort from both side to understand each other.

I didn't realize how much things were bothering me and then posting and getting solid and useful feedback really helped. You never know what kind of reply you will get from the forums, but alas the Canucks are a good lot.

[JillA 2]

Thanks everyone for their input. It really helped me get my head together and have a very clear and concise conversation. There will be more discussion in the future and more effort from both side to understand each other.

I didn't realize how much things were bothering me and then posting and getting solid and useful feedback really helped. You never know what kind of reply you will get from the forums, but alas the Canucks are a good lot.

That's so true. When I see some replies in the "effects of major family changes" I'm shocked. The rudeness and cruelty is appaling, people spill their feelings and look for advice and are mocked. But here, us Canadians are a friendly bunch and like to help one another!