Should I stop the process?

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Most likely the Canadian forum isn't the best place to post this, but it is pretty active and I am sure I will get a bunch of varied responses. Well here goes...

I have noticed that in the last few days that my heart really just isn't into the whole process and I am wondering if I should stop now before making a huge mistake.

Synopsis of my situation.

I met my GF on a website that talks about Russian Issues in July 07. We were talking just as friends no romantic intentions.

Skype Calls maybe once a week between Aug 07 and Dec 07.

Dec 07 we decide to meet in Moscow at New Year's time. -- good time had by all.

Feb 08 She moves to Canada

Visited her in Canada in Apr 08, Aug 08, Dec 08.

Propose in Jan 09 - and start the paper work.

Visit in Mar 09

It seems that the last few weeks that she isn't all that excited about things. We just got the NOA2 and the package should be at the consulate now. Her lack of enthusiasm is really depressing me. At first it was well, if the interview is in May 09, then I can wait till end of Jun 09 to come to USA. Now she is thinking since the Olympics are in Whistler maybe she will wait until after the Olympics.

I don't know if the delays in her wanting to move to USA are related to some of the hard realities of economy and cost of weddings in Hawaii. In Belarus for $3K or $4K the sky would be the limit you would have multiple course dinner, multiple bands, anything your heart could desire for a dream wedding. For $5k in Hawaii you are lucky if you get a small wedding with a few guests. When I started to explain the budgetary constraints she seemed really disappointed.

She has never had a high opinion of the USA in the first place. One of her first comments to me was I hate the USA and all Americans. Even though she had never been to the USA or ever met an American before. The media and Mr. Bush's antics have really soured Belorussians opinion of USA and Americans. She just doesn't seem that excited to move to USA. The other day I told her that the rules about the EAD stamp have changed and that she would have to wait until after the AOS is completed before she could start working. Her response was "then I should just stay in Canada." Confused? I was.

Unbeknownst to me, I mentioned to her that I do feel stress about having to support her when she first comes here. Granted I have a good salary but with the economy the way it is, my job could end any day. A pending pilot strike doesn't make me feel more secure. Her response was, "I already knew it was too much responsibility for you." I just didn't know how to reply.

Maybe the cultural changes, moving to another new country, starting over, are too much for her, and her heart isn't in to it. Lately I really feel like my heart isn't in to it. I should be feeling on top of the world, instead I am feeling pretty blue. (

If I do decide to end things - and if I do, it would be entirely my decision -- is there any way to end things without her hating me? I know we couldn't continue as friends. What is the least painful way? Is there one?

Well maybe my thoughts are all over the place, maybe I am just venting, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

Edited April 9, 2009 by easytarget

[Peachey 10]

My personal opinion here:

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. Find out what her real intentions are, why she doesn't want to move to the US.

It's really really hard when you're far away from the one you love. That might be contributing to you feeling blue and sad. Just remember, it's all worth it in the end (at least that's what I'm hoping, our NOA2 is far away, Vermont is SLOW!).

Good luck. You can always vent to me, I'm a good listener. Or so I've been told

[amberdima 6]

it sounds to me like she's got a case of 'cold feet.' i felt this way recently....ecstatic after NOA2...then more waiting--still waiting. all this waiting and roller coaster of emotions only gives one time to overthink. the economy, loss of freedom, another person living in the house that's been yours alone for so long, bla bla bla bla. hopefully, she'll get over it. and obviously, my SO is from belarus as well; however, he has poor opinions about his own government and economy and only sees opportunity in the US. in addition, he spent 3 months here and acclimated extremely well. give it some time and support her- maybe she'll snap out of it. if not, it sounds like it could be a mutual separation. good luck!

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I'm learning well that moving to the US and marrying a person you've never lived with, or even lived in the same country with, requires a lot of faith and a huge level of commitment. Even though you may love each other, that isn't always enough to make a relationship work given the tough circumstances. Like Peachy said, I think you need to have a long and serious conversation with her about her feelings and intentions regarding you and moving to the US. That may make the decision a lot easier for you, and for her. At the end of the day, you need to be very very sure this is what you want, otherwise you are in for a very long and hard road... Many of us have had to make huge sacrifices, from moving away from our families to forgoing the large white wedding with all our family and friends, but it is well worth it to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. If its not worth it to her, then you have to wonder how important being with you really is to her. I've seen a lot of women excited to just me engaged and put little thought into the commitment of actually getting married... Good luck to you! I just wouldn't make any rash decisions until you are 100% sure that is what you want.

[coldwatersurf 5]

Both responses you've received have very good points. My reasons for moving with my hubby seemed like it made sense before and I was willing to make the sacrifice as my hubby is not good with change and I do not mind change. But times and events have come up and I'm very dissappointed my reasons for moving is not the same anymore and what I wanted is not happening. One of the reason also is economy. I am really worried about his job & if there will be more lay offs and what kind of job I'll get and how long will it take me to be unemployed (especially Ill be moving to a small town w/ 2500 ppl only). It is a hard blow to me b/c my income is twice as my hubby's and I have to prepare myself or get used to the idea that I really have to watch and conserve my budget and I have to quit the best job in the world and I may not be doing it ever again. We had to sacrifice a traditional wedding to save more money.

However, these are things I have decided to sacrifice to be with my husband b/c I want to join him and start a life together. You and your spouse have to keep your focus on the reasons why you wanted to join each other and to be strong throughout this process. Let me tell you what... My hubby is very picky about which city/town we will call home. All he could say is.. "oh that city is known for its drugs, blah blah blah".... Every town, city, country has its own problems. If its such a bad location, then no one would live in it. The Immigration process is a difficult road for a lot of people... emotionally and mentally. So, you need to have a talk with your spouse and find out what is really troubling her. I know I always needed to talk about my worries with my hubby and he is soooo sick of talking about immigration and the effects it has Plus your spouse will also feel a huge pinch in the move.. trying to rid of her stuff, closing accounts, not seeing her friends, etc. I always needed a security that no matter what, he is there to support me if I am not going to be happy with the move @ first b/c i will feel alone. So, communication is the key.

[Carlawarla 1]

Oh my easytarget...I'm so sorry you're having these thoughts. I can imagine how confusing and heart-sickened you must be.

I don't know that it would change my thoughts on your story, but I'm wondering how she came to be in Canada? Is she working or studying? What was her intentions about moving to Canada and on what basis? Her living in Vancouver and you in Portland, geographically isn't that far away. Have you had lots of visits since her move? What is her situation in Canada right now?

I'm troubled by all the "facts" you've given us, and I didn't see one word about "love". Is this woman the love of your life? Would you move to Canada if she decided she didn't want to move to the US?

I imagine she's just getting "settled" into Canada, and perhaps she's troubled by having to move again, or thinking that the US is drastically different? How would she know? Has she been to visit you and the area where you live?

How old are you both? While that may seem like a silly question, I can say that for myself, having been through one marriage, and being older, that despite a huge life change having to move to the US from Canada, and leaving my friends, family and job back in Canada...I also found a love like no other...he's my soul mate, and I would die for this man. Saying that, despite my sadness at leaving Canada, I would leave in a heartbeat if I had to do it all again.

You mentioned you talked about her EAD stamp, when she could work etc., and some of the conversations you've had. Some of the conversations are really not direct, are they? Sounds like some of her responses have left you speechless, or stunned. It's time to really talk. Ask those tough questions...and if they're not what you want to hear, even if she's being honest with you, then you really need to look at the relationship and if this is something you really want to pursue. Which is what you're doing right now it seems. But you need to have this conversation with her, and her responses will then help you decide if this is really what you want.

I just wanted to add that I know it must be hard to put these kind of thoughts into a post on a forum, these doubts and I truly hope that you find out sooner rather than later what it is you must do. I send you best wishes and a hug.

Edited April 9, 2009 by Carlawarla

[trailmix 77]

Hi easytarget,

I'm so sorry you are at this point, it truly must be depressing for you.

A few things that you said really kind of jumped out, for me. First off, just from a purely immigration point of view, she does know if she stays for the Olympics next year that you will forfeit the visa.

You two are not really communicating. I don't know that her reactions to what you have been talking about - worry about supporting her, not being able to provide the wedding she would like, maybe the cultural changes, moving to a new country are too much for her etc. - are not just that - reactions to very negative comments you are making to her.

Her responses to you can be taken two ways really - she may just be having second thoughts or she may just be reacting to what you are saying - I think there are two sides here (of course).

You should know all this stuff, you shouldn't have to be wondering.

All that aside, what Carla asked is really the most important. You do not mention that you love her. You really only have to ask yourself two questions. Do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

Edited April 9, 2009 by trailmix

[Krikit 1,164]

((((((((((((((EasyTarget)))))))))))))))))

Really, I can't say it any better than the others. I agree that you must tell her your concerns and ask for her honest feelings on the matter. To be truthful, I can see where the thoughts of moving once again can be quite disquieting to her. I had to fight my own demons when I was going through it. If her, understandably, subdued reaction to uprooting her life has you concerned enough to consider terminating the upcoming wedding plans, then there is every possibility that you may not be able to withstand the adjustment phase she will undoubtably go through once she gets here. Again, have that talk. You both need to get it out in the open and be supportive to each other. That is how you will remain friends going forward. I wish you well.

[Emancipation 2]

Awe... you guys are all so wise...

Nothing much to add of value, except that you are thinking with your head right now easytarget, and that is a good place to react from. Read some of the stories in Effects of Major Family Change Forums on this board and it seems to be a reoccurring theme that some of the hunches and fears that people had just before they get married come back to haunt them post wedding.. almost all of them said that they were thinking with their heart and were caught up in the emotionalism of the relationship leading up to the wedding etc., and didn't take the time and energy needed to fully think through everything. It's a good sign that you are thinking clearly enough to see these issues, and it's important to ask these questions now before you enter into the relationship in new terms and in a new location. I agree with everyone else.. talk it over and don't take the next big step until you are both certain.

On a side (completely unhelpful) tangential note.. If my hubby lived in Hawaii I would be JUMPING at the chance to move from Canada..

[Krikit 1,164]

On a side (completely unhelpful) tangential note.. If my hubby lived in Hawaii I would be JUMPING at the chance to move from Canada..

Except that it would be tantamount to living on the other side of the world and you wouldn't have easy access to home. < insert sound of bubble bursting >

[SapphireDreams 71]

I know in our long distance relationship we've had some hot and cold phases where we were more frustrated then super excited about things.

But, I sense from your posts that this is more than just an "I'm not sure if I want to be in this relationship" phase. It seems to me that you guys moved pretty quickly on this and the thing that really jumps out to me is the cultural difference that you guys have. Has she ever travelled to the US before? I'm sure moving to Hawaii in itself is probably a different kind of culture shock than moving to the Continental US. Plus from the sounds of it, she really seems to like her job and want to work and it doesn't seem like she understands the severity and seriousness of the situation. I mean I don't know you or her, so I'm just basing my opinion on your post... but her comments just make me feel that way.

Only you and your heart will know what to do. I really think you need to have a serious conversation about everything you are feeling. Trust your intuition, if you are having doubts now, what does that mean for the future of the relationship? Only you can answer that question.

[July09Bride 1]

My fiance and I have been dating for over 9 years. I'll be totally honest, there were times during this process when we were both ready to throw our hands up and say forget it. But, this is where the two of you need to decide what you want as a couple. Try to have the conversation about what you're looking for and what she's looking for from all of this. Good luck... this can't be an easy time.

[joelunchbox 0]

She may be reacting to her perceived feelings about what she is hearing?

Confused?

She may be also.

Time for a real talk. Be open, be honest but don't set the bridge on fire before anyone sets foot on it either.

And, do you love you? Now is the time to acknowledge it, one way or the other.

Good luck!

[missmissy 38]

You know, sometimes you read things that seem to be posted at exactly the right time. Last night we had an extremely hard time talking. The waiting, the emotions, I had reached the "throwing my hands in the air" point last night. I tossed and turned all night and then got up this morning and started reading here and discovered that we have all been through this, to some degree. It's normal. That makes me feel so much better. I don't even really belong in the Canadian forum but just happened to drop in and read the original post. So, thanks to all of you - I hope this helps the OP, but really, you guys have helped ME today. Thanks!

[Krikit 1,164]

You know, sometimes you read things that seem to be posted at exactly the right time. Last night we had an extremely hard time talking. The waiting, the emotions, I had reached the "throwing my hands in the air" point last night. I tossed and turned all night and then got up this morning and started reading here and discovered that we have all been through this, to some degree. It's normal. That makes me feel so much better. I don't even really belong in the Canadian forum but just happened to drop in and read the original post. So, thanks to all of you - I hope this helps the OP, but really, you guys have helped ME today. Thanks!

Awwwww. Big hugs Missy. ((((((((((((((((((Missy)))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad this thread was some help to you.