Why I don't want children

[Carlawarla 1]

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

[DeadPoolX 9]

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

That's exactly what the "sister-in-law story" is about and I think you hit the nail on the head.

[trailmix 77]

Hi Deadpool,

I wasn't offended by what you said yesterday at all.

I'm sorry you were bullied at school - I seriously dislike bullies.

It's interesting what you say about your Father. My Father was - just there - but while I have seen bad parenting close up - it never occurred to me that I would be a bad parent. (and I don't think I am)

Have children or don't have them, the choice is completely up to you and your wife, of course, but there is one thing maybe you haven't looked at.

Your own children are different. You love them, you know them, you care about their wellbeing, you care about them more than yourself. It's like when your wife is a witch sometimes, or you are are to her - you don't love her any less and she doesn't love you any less.

While your Father is obviously a bad role model for parenting, it's not a bad thing to remember that he did the best he could. May have fallen incredibly short of anything you would judge to be a good parent and obviously still does, but he did/does the best he can.

As for the Sister in Law thing - I don't think anyone thinks (in my opinion) that you don't have the right to dislike being around unruly children and that it doesn't get on your nerves. The issue was critisizing the way she handles it - when she too is doing the best she can.

Edited April 8, 2009 by trailmix

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

That's exactly what the "sister-in-law story" is about and I think you hit the nail on the head.

Maybe you can inspire confidence and offer to have a men's weekend with the kids - you and your brrther-in-law could team up? Parents and mothers get into a rut of thinking only they know what's best for the kids. I'ma mom who didn't have many offers of help when my daughter was younger, my brothers and parents had their own lives too - just the way it worked out now. And I was single, so that complicated things more..

Consequently now, because I'm just used to doing everything myself, I have a hard time letting up and taking help...maybe that's your sister-in-law's situation?

Hopefully in all this....we aren't fogetting that the sister-in -law deserves alone time....she shouldn't have to spend it with her sister either If she doesn't want to

[DeadPoolX 9]

Have children or don't have them, the choice is completely up to you and your wife, of course, but there is one thing maybe you haven't looked at.

Your own children are different. You love them, you know them, you care about their wellbeing, you care about them more than yourself. It's like when your wife is a witch sometimes, or you are are to her - you don't love her any less and she doesn't love you any less.

I've heard nearly everyone say that before: "Your own kids are different." Maybe that's true (I wouldn't know), but even in that case, my wife and I would still need time to ourselves and each other. We'd need to be adults sometimes, instead of defining our roles as "mom and dad."

Plus I think it's important for anyone's marriage to spend time with their spouse. I realize that kids take a lot of time and effort, but so does maintaining a marriage. Your kids may be incredibly important, but so is your spouse. The very last thing you'd want to do is concentrate so heavily on the kids that you lose touch with your spouse.

It's events like those that can lead to marital problems. Even at best, if parents devote all of their time to the kids, one day after the kids have gone off to college, both spouses will wake up and find they hardly recognize or know each other. Maybe that sounds impossible, but it happens more often than many people might think.

Maybe you can inspire confidence and offer to have a men's weekend with the kids - you and your brrther-in-law could team up? Parents and mothers get into a rut of thinking only they know what's best for the kids. I'ma mom who didn't have many offers of help when my daughter was younger, my brothers and parents had their own lives too - just the way it worked out now. And I was single, so that complicated things more..

Consequently now, because I'm just used to doing everything myself, I have a hard time letting up and taking help...maybe that's your sister-in-law's situation?

Hopefully in all this....we aren't fogetting that the sister-in -law deserves alone time....she shouldn't have to spend it with her sister either If she doesn't want to

Hmm... my brother-in-law and me watching the kids. Sounds a little chaotic, but it might be doable.

I think my sister-in-law's problem is that she's afraid to "let go" of her kids, even for a very short period of time. I can understand the fact that she's protective and concerned (any good parent would be), but she doesn't have to be around them 24 hours a day, seven days a week all year long. I'd have to imagine doing such would drive anyone crazy.

You're right. My sister-in-law does deserve some time alone.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yes carla is correct that me time is important.

But you can't have people demanding it of you, it seems that your wife may want "adult" time with the sister in law while she is visiting family and I think that it's difficult when your visiting family to have "adult" time as well.

It's also not about just asking about the adult time, it's when you're asking for it. It can get pretty complicated once you have children. I know you understand that. I know you are doing your best to be patient. But if you feel so strongly than perhaps the solution is to try to figure out a way to do something with the kids so that your wife can have that time. Yea I know you have said you don't want to be around the kids and the husband should be the one watching them, but as someone else said maybe you and the husband can do something fun with them?

Plus, you're their uncle, whether you like it or not you are going to be an influence in their lives whether you want to be or not, wouldn't it be nice to be the cool and fun uncle rather than the stiff and miserable one?

Edited April 8, 2009 by Sprailenes

[thetreble 19]

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

That's exactly what the "sister-in-law story" is about and I think you hit the nail on the head.

Nu-uh! That is not EXACTLY what you said, DPX. You went beyond the fact of just saying, "I wish my sister in law would spend a little one and one time with my wife..."

It was more like, "her kids are whiny, they scream, they are unruly, why doesn't she discipline them, etc."

[trailmix 77]

Have children or don't have them, the choice is completely up to you and your wife, of course, but there is one thing maybe you haven't looked at.

Your own children are different. You love them, you know them, you care about their wellbeing, you care about them more than yourself. It's like when your wife is a witch sometimes, or you are are to her - you don't love her any less and she doesn't love you any less.

I've heard nearly everyone say that before: "Your own kids are different." Maybe that's true (I wouldn't know), but even in that case, my wife and I would still need time to ourselves and each other. We'd need to be adults sometimes, instead of defining our roles as "mom and dad."

Plus I think it's important for anyone's marriage to spend time with their spouse. I realize that kids take a lot of time and effort, but so does maintaining a marriage. Your kids may be incredibly important, but so is your spouse. The very last thing you'd want to do is concentrate so heavily on the kids that you lose touch with your spouse.

It's events like those that can lead to marital problems. Even at best, if parents devote all of their time to the kids, one day after the kids have gone off to college, both spouses will wake up and find they hardly recognize or know each other. Maybe that sounds impossible, but it happens more often than many people might think.

You hear it all the time because it's true

But sure, absolutely - i'm sure many a marriage has broken down for that exact reason.

However - you are not a victim - you are a grown up man, you can make your own decisions on how that works. You can make a decision to be a great Father - you can make the decision not to let you and your wife grow apart. If that means 3 days a week you have a baby sitter or family member look after the child - I mean it means different things to different people - so be it.

Now, just to clarify - I am not saying you should have children or that you would be overjoyed to have the little bundle in your arms - people are different - one way is not better than the other in this case.

What I am saying - you are not a victim anymore.

Edited April 8, 2009 by trailmix

[DeadPoolX 9]

Yes carla is correct that me time is important.

But you can't have people demanding it of you, it seems that your wife may want "adult" time with the sister in law while she is visiting family and I think that it's difficult when your visiting family to have "adult" time as well.

It's also not about just asking about the adult time, it's when you're asking for it. It can get pretty complicated once you have children. I know you understand that. I know you are doing your best to be patient. But if you feel so strongly than perhaps the solution is to try to figure out a way to do something with the kids so that your wife can have that time. Yea I know you have said you don't want to be around the kids and the husband should be the one watching them, but as someone else said maybe you and the husband can do something fun with them?

Plus, you're their uncle, whether you like it or not you are going to be an influence in their lives whether you want to be or not, wouldn't it be nice to be the cool and fun uncle rather than the stiff and miserable one?

Oh, I don't know... I'm pretty good at being the "stiff and miserable" uncle.

Seriously though, I don't expect my sister-in-law to drop everything at our request. Maybe wanting some "adult time" at family gathering is a little unrealistic, but there's nothing wrong with setting a date ahead of time. If my wife asked my sister-in-law about meeting up three months from now, I have trouble believing that she couldn't set aside a few hours and have her husband watch the kids.

Yes, I could help my brother-in-law watch the kids if we're at a family gathering. I don't have a problem with that.

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

That's exactly what the "sister-in-law story" is about and I think you hit the nail on the head.

Nu-uh! That is not EXACTLY what you said, DPX. You went beyond the fact of just saying, "I wish my sister in law would spend a little one and one time with my wife..."

It was more like, "her kids are whiny, they scream, they are unruly, why doesn't she discipline them, etc."

How do my feelings on the matter have any baring on what my wife would like?

[Krikit 1,164]

I don't even know the "sister-in-law" story! I think I missed it in another thread. It seems this is about your sister-in-law not taking time away to spend with her sister, your wife? If not, forgive me.

Anyway, it just got me thinking that I too find it annoying, and I would really caution people who have kids about this. This is strictly just my opinion though!

I had two children, and it doesn't take away from who I am, or was. I had g/f's who once they had children spent EVERY AVAILABLE moment with their husbands and/or children. As a Mom...heck as a PERSON, I needed time away from my kids!! I needed ADULT time away. This in my opinion made me a better mother. There is a time and place for kids, and frankly, it's not always with adults. Hmm, I'm thinking I may have vented about this in another thread some time ago.

There is a time and place for ME as well. If I don't take care of ME, no one will. This includes time away with my friends and family without my children.

Again, if this is not what this sister-in-law story was about, or doesn't pertain to it, ignore me!

Amen

[DeadPoolX 9]

Have children or don't have them, the choice is completely up to you and your wife, of course, but there is one thing maybe you haven't looked at.

Your own children are different. You love them, you know them, you care about their wellbeing, you care about them more than yourself. It's like when your wife is a witch sometimes, or you are are to her - you don't love her any less and she doesn't love you any less.

I've heard nearly everyone say that before: "Your own kids are different." Maybe that's true (I wouldn't know), but even in that case, my wife and I would still need time to ourselves and each other. We'd need to be adults sometimes, instead of defining our roles as "mom and dad."

Plus I think it's important for anyone's marriage to spend time with their spouse. I realize that kids take a lot of time and effort, but so does maintaining a marriage. Your kids may be incredibly important, but so is your spouse. The very last thing you'd want to do is concentrate so heavily on the kids that you lose touch with your spouse.

It's events like those that can lead to marital problems. Even at best, if parents devote all of their time to the kids, one day after the kids have gone off to college, both spouses will wake up and find they hardly recognize or know each other. Maybe that sounds impossible, but it happens more often than many people might think.

You hear it all the time because it's true

But sure, absolutely - i'm sure many a marriage has broken down for that exact reason.

However - you are not a victim - you are a grown up man, you can make your own decisions on how that works. You can make a decision to be a great Father - you can make the decision not to let you and your wife grow apart. If that means 3 days a week you have a baby sitter or family member look after the child - I mean it means different things to different people - so be it.

Now, just to clarify - I am not saying you should have children or that you would be overjoyed to have the little bundle in your arms - people are different - one way is not better than the other in this case.

What I am saying - you are not a victim anymore.

You are right. I am not a victim. If, for some reason or another, my wife and I did decide to have children, we would definitely set aside some time to be with each other and without the kids.

[thetreble 19]

We'd need to be adults sometimes, instead of defining our roles as "mom and dad."

Plus I think it's important for anyone's marriage to spend time with their spouse. I realize that kids take a lot of time and effort, but so does maintaining a marriage. Your kids may be incredibly important, but so is your spouse. The very last thing you'd want to do is concentrate so heavily on the kids that you lose touch with your spouse.

I don't think any one will deny this. This is very true. But I don't think it's as easy as saying, "One minute for Billy, One minute for my Husband...". Many people don't have very many options. My mum didn't have her family close by and she didn't trust some 15 year old kid to babysit us so..there weren't many options for her. It wasn't ideal but her whole life was us and she enjoyed it like that.

[TheATeam 0]

I can completely understand what you're talking about DPX. I had much the same childhood but it was my mother who did that to me. My dad just didn't love me and didn't care and was unavailable except for when he was beating me. I know that it's easy for people to say that you're your own person now and you're an adult and you can make your own choices but I know for me, I see bits and pieces of her in myself. I see that she's treated me just like my grandmother treated her. So what if I can't break the cycle? What if I have kids and I'm just like her, telling them that I love them because I have to but I don't like them at all. Am I willing to take that chance? Am I willing to risk the happiness of a child just because I think that having kids is what I should do? I don't know. I don't think so.

I have to say, I'm sure I'm not among popular opinion but I don't disagree with what you had to say about your sister in law. It's not unreasonable of you to wonder why her kids aren't at least semi-controlled. It's irritating to be around kids who are screaming, running around, and just being unruly period. I have 8 siblings and there's no way we were like that at a family gathering, unless we were downstairs or outside where we could be as loud as we wanted. This is only my opinion but I see a lot of parents who are afraid to discipline their children and just give them whatever they want. Maybe it's their way of trying to make up for their own childhood. I don't know. What I can tell you is that in the end it doesn't work. My youngest siblings are definitely a testament to that! I don't think that you're wrong to feel irritated and wonder why she doesn't change things. One would think that she might be irritated by that as well if she's got to deal with it all the time, right?! I don't know. Again, all my opinion.

[thetreble 19]

Can I just make a note of saying many of you seemed to have had rough upbringings. It's really sad.

And, TheATeam, hitting your child or giving them time outs doesn't mean they are going to be GREAT kids. I think that is the wrong assumption here. So many people will say, "my god, if that mother only gave her child a wack on the #######, it would do her a world of good..."

But you don't know that, none of us do! Maybe they have tried and the child has gotten even worse. Not all kids respond to punishment just like not all ADULTS respond to ultimatums or deadlines, etc.

Edited April 8, 2009 by thetreble

[TheATeam 0]

Amanda- I'm not in any way shape or form advocating hitting your children. I don't equate discipline with hitting or beating or anything like that. My definition of discipline is simply not allowing things to happen. I mean, in my opinion if you let your child know from a young age what is and isn't acceptable, they're pretty quick and catch on! My best friend has a 2 year old and a newborn and all she has to do is look at Lexi in a certain way and Lexi (the 2 year old) knows that she'd better cut it out. My best friend has never laid a hand on her.

In fact, I think that hitting a child and/or beating them has a completely adverse affect. It certainly did with me! It actually makes me kind of sad to see that discipline is automatically equated with hitting.