Why I don't want children

[DeadPoolX 9]

In the Vent thread, there was a small debate about children. I started it and others entered into it. Some agreed (at least on certain issues) while most seemed to disagree. This thread is to explain my reasoning and hopefully make it clear that I do not hate children nor was I attempting to insult anyone here.

It's absolutely true I don't want children. Although I may find them noisy, unruly and difficult to deal with, that's not all of it. While growing up, my dad was not the best role model. He consistently insulted and belittled me. If there was a way to verbally hurt me, he'd do it. I'm not quite sure why he acted like this. Maybe I was a disappoint to him. Whatever his reason was, he hurt me when he had the opportunity to do so.

Verbal assault sometimes led to physical, as well. My dad didn't "beat me" in the classic sense. There were no bruises or broken bones. However, there were times he'd smack me to get his point across. When I was very young, the most common reason he had for smacking was if I "didn't act a like a man." I was a young child. How did I know how to "act like a man" and what does that even mean anyway? The psychological definition of "man" can vary among cultures and with individuals.

I should add that later on (and to this day), he claims I "imagined" everything. That my memory of the events is faulty and I've perverted the facts to make him seem like the "bad guy." I readily agree that memory can become twisted over time (which is why police lineups are notoriously inaccurate), but over the course of my life, I somehow doubt every single event in my life has been remembered incorrectly. Add that to the fact my mother confirmed my accusations and I have reason to believe I am right.

To make matters worse, I was constantly abused (both in a mental and physical way) by my classmates since first grade. All through elementary school, junior high and eventually high school, my life was an utter hell. There were times I'd fake being sick, not because I wished to avoid school itself, but because I couldn't handle the other students. In tenth grade, I finally struck back -- very violently, I might add -- against those who had tormented me in school. They eventually quit harassing me, but only after terrorizing them. The details of those encounters might be better left for a different thread; however, the point of this is that I was consistently hurt at school. The very last thing I needed was a parent who continued this assault when I was home.

By now I'm sure it's fairly obvious that I dislike my father. He's tried to make up for his actions in the last couple of years, mostly by sending money or paying for certain expenses. I can't help but question his desire to do this if I "incorrectly recall the events of my childhood." However, I'm hardly surprised he looks at financial rewards over emotional ones.

My point to this long and perhaps overly wordy post is that my dad, for intents and purposes, was a terrible father. I grew up with him as my main male role model. I sometimes catch myself thinking like he does, which is understandable considering children model their behavior after their parents. However, I refuse to be the same man my father was and currently is, which is perhaps the single most important reason for me rejecting the concept of children. Maybe that seems fairly melodramatic, but the only way to ensure I don't become my father is to avoid having kids.

Let me add that I strongly commend those who can have children and readily enjoy them. Parenting is an extremely difficult job and one that's often thankless as well. While I don't believe I am emotionally and psychologically equipped to be a parent, that does not mean I resent or hate those who can do it.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

I can 100% relate to what you are saying. My parents were not even close to ideal. However in their twisted logic, I am sure they think they were the best parents ever.

However, I refuse to be the same man my father was and currently is, which is perhaps the single most important reason for me rejecting the concept of children. Maybe that seems fairly melodramatic, but the only way to ensure I don't become my father is to avoid having kids.

I highlighted the lines above because I had the same exact thoughts that you had. My father treated me terribly, there is a high likely hood I would be a terrible dad. However I decided that I have free will. I recognize the failures of my parents and I can 100's of times better than them. Granted a snow globe would have been a better parent, so I don't have a high bar to hurdle.

If I ever choose to have children I know that I won't let my past negatively influence my actions, I will use what I have learnt to be a good parent, or at least an average one.

Respecting your decision, but hinting at the idea, you have the power to change and be the better person.

[Carlawarla 1]

I can 100% relate to what you are saying. My parents were not even close to ideal. However in their twisted logic, I am sure they think they were the best parents ever.

However, I refuse to be the same man my father was and currently is, which is perhaps the single most important reason for me rejecting the concept of children. Maybe that seems fairly melodramatic, but the only way to ensure I don't become my father is to avoid having kids.

I highlighted the lines above because I had the same exact thoughts that you had. My father treated me terribly, there is a high likely hood I would be a terrible dad. However I decided that I have free will. I recognize the failures of my parents and I can 100's of times better than them. Granted a snow globe would have been a better parent, so I don't have a high bar to hurdle.

If I ever choose to have children I know that I won't let my past negatively influence my actions, I will use what I have learnt to be a good parent, or at least an average one.

Respecting your decision, but hinting at the idea, you have the power to change and be the better person.

What a wonderful outlook easytarget, so well put as well.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful time growing up Sentinel. I agree with easytarget, in that you're an adult now, and you are responsible for your own choices. While our past surely impacts on how we see the world as an adult, it seems you recognize that your father wasn't the best role model, but I'm sure you've had other opportunities to see men as parents now, and could make your own choices so that you don't continue the cycle of dysfunction that was your own upbringing.

You've really shared some personal information here, so I'm hoping that some further questions won't offend? Does your wife know about your desire not to have children? Is she is agreement? And something else I'm curious about, and you can tell me to go fly a kite if you wish, how old are you and your wife?

Hugs

[DeadPoolX 9]

I can 100% relate to what you are saying. My parents were not even close to ideal. However in their twisted logic, I am sure they think they were the best parents ever.

However, I refuse to be the same man my father was and currently is, which is perhaps the single most important reason for me rejecting the concept of children. Maybe that seems fairly melodramatic, but the only way to ensure I don't become my father is to avoid having kids.

I highlighted the lines above because I had the same exact thoughts that you had. My father treated me terribly, there is a high likely hood I would be a terrible dad. However I decided that I have free will. I recognize the failures of my parents and I can 100's of times better than them. Granted a snow globe would have been a better parent, so I don't have a high bar to hurdle.

If I ever choose to have children I know that I won't let my past negatively influence my actions, I will use what I have learnt to be a good parent, or at least an average one.

Respecting your decision, but hinting at the idea, you have the power to change and be the better person.

That's a good point and in many ways, I have put the past behind me. I know it doesn't seem like it from my previous post, but I rarely think about my experiences growing up.

If my wife and I were to have children, I'd hope that I'd make a concerted effort to be a good parent and not emulate my dad. I won't know until such time that my wife and I do have children (if we do at all).

I can 100% relate to what you are saying. My parents were not even close to ideal. However in their twisted logic, I am sure they think they were the best parents ever.

However, I refuse to be the same man my father was and currently is, which is perhaps the single most important reason for me rejecting the concept of children. Maybe that seems fairly melodramatic, but the only way to ensure I don't become my father is to avoid having kids.

I highlighted the lines above because I had the same exact thoughts that you had. My father treated me terribly, there is a high likely hood I would be a terrible dad. However I decided that I have free will. I recognize the failures of my parents and I can 100's of times better than them. Granted a snow globe would have been a better parent, so I don't have a high bar to hurdle.

If I ever choose to have children I know that I won't let my past negatively influence my actions, I will use what I have learnt to be a good parent, or at least an average one.

Respecting your decision, but hinting at the idea, you have the power to change and be the better person.

What a wonderful outlook easytarget, so well put as well.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful time growing up Sentinel. I agree with easytarget, in that you're an adult now, and you are responsible for your own choices. While our past surely impacts on how we see the world as an adult, it seems you recognize that your father wasn't the best role model, but I'm sure you've had other opportunities to see men as parents now, and could make your own choices so that you don't continue the cycle of dysfunction that was your own upbringing.

You've really shared some personal information here, so I'm hoping that some further questions won't offend? Does your wife know about your desire not to have children? Is she is agreement? And something else I'm curious about, and you can tell me to go fly a kite if you wish, how old are you and your wife?

Hugs

My wife knows and she's not particularly interested in having children. She's not completely against the idea, but so far she's shown very little interest and has said as much.

I'm currently 29 and my wife is 32. Because I met my wife when she was 29, I have to mentally recalculate her age. I automatically think she's still 29. My wife doesn't seem to mind...

[Krikit 1,164]

I didn't have a problem with your posts on children yesterday, Sentinel. Mostly because I have seen some terrible examples of parenting, so I understood where you were coming from. I'm sorry about your childhood, but I think it's experiencing those kinds of things which make you become a better person as opposed to the same or even worse..... because you know what not to do.

[Emancipation 2]

Sentinel, believe me we have similar childhood experiences... I have 2 siblings and only 1 of us is planning on having kiddos of our own.. My oldest brother has 3 children and he is an amazing dad.. he was completely scared he'd channel my dad but he hasn't. He gets frustrated, but is well aware when it happens and stops himself and walks away (something my father could never do). It's been good for my brother to realize that the monster my father could be is not who he has become.

I getcha.. I've just never had the desire to have children of my own.. loving on other kids is easy for me.. and some day I'd like to adopt perhaps, but not biological children.. nope..

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I respect anyone's decision to have or not have children. It's a strong person who can think things through and not become subject to the emotional pull of having a child. Having known some friends who personally decided not to have kids, I have come to realize that not everyone has that innate desire for offspring and then I understand why. I personally had the desire for kids after meeting my daughter's father at 21....but it was entirely emotional and not well thought out in the end. Despite my personal struggles with my teenage daughter now, I doubt I would have changed and NOT had kids.

In my dad's case, my grandpa was a horrible drunk who verbally abused everyone at some point and we think occasionally ran around on his wife (my grandma) back in the 50's too. Not a great dude. My dad made a personal choice in his life and promised himself that this was the type of behaviour that he considered reprehensible. He determined even while in highschool that he would not treat a woman and his family this way and has made consious decisions all his life to follow a different path. My dad loves his family, love his church faith and is a wonderful man.

Anyhoo - enough mush and not to joke around - Sentinel - how about temporarily adopting my 17 yr old???????PLEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZEEE

[Krikit 1,164]

Anyhoo - enough mush and not to joke around - Sentinel - how about temporarily adopting my 17 yr old???????PLEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZEEE

Haha. Talk about the perfect birth control tool!

[thetreble 19]

Deadpool, I think we all respect your decision and desire not to want children. If you don't want to, then better not to in my opinion. That saves every one from regret and hurt later on.

I think what I had a problem with in the Vent thread was the fact that you have an expectation that your sister in law should disregard her children every once and awhile to be able to be a childless adult for a few hours. One thing that I have come to learn in life, after being burned many times, is to have very little expectations of anything or any one.

I don't expect my husband to get up and spend time with my on the weekend after he worked the night shift, even though we haven't seen each other all week.

I don't expect my boss to treat me with respect or listen to what I say because it's obvious she isn't going to change.

So, I really don't think you can expect your sister in law to fore go her familial responsibilities to please you and your wife when you feel it's necessary. People have kids; Some kids are well behaved and some aren't. The reason children are not well behaved is not only because they is a lack of discipline. There are so many other factors in that which it didn't seem you were willing to accept.

My suggestion was get a babysitter for your in-laws kids OR go over to their house so they don't ruin yours. I think that is pretty acceptable.

My dad spanked. He was a Scotsman who had a very bad temper if you pushed him. I learned that after about 2 or 3 spanks. My little brother NEVER learned and got spanked time and again. While I agree with spanking it isn't always affective with each child.

What I would like to ask you, Deadpool, is why do you think you were bullied from 5 years old on? That's a very long time to be bullied. I'm not blaming you or anything I would just be interested to know why you believe you were bullied for almost 15 years of your life. There was never consideration of changing schools?

[Sprailenes 47]

Well said Amanda.

I have no issues with your desire to not have children. I think its great that someone can admit that and not force themselves to become a parent and end up hurting the child in the long run.

You and your wife haven't had children, and won't have children so you can not begin to understand what it is you two call: "mom brain" but when you have children.. EVERYTHING changes. I was 20 when I had my son, so a lot of my friends were still young, boy did I lose them fast. They were all being crazy university students and I was pumping breast milk and changing diapers. I'd go out for coffee with them and I would talk about Ethan and you could just see the boredom on their faces. They didn't understand.

I am sure your sister in law would appreciate "adult time" too, but she can't have it with children that small. Children that small literally take everything from you, all of your energy and if you took a moment to try to understand that, I think a light would go off in your head. You are complaining about a few hours, imagine how she must feel?? She's the mom.

Perhaps the next time you're over there at the inlaws you can offer to take the children to the park so they can spend some of that energy and your wife can have her adult chats with her.

You can't expect your sister in law to go back to the way things were before kids, thats just not going to happen.

[DeadPoolX 9]

What I would like to ask you, Deadpool, is why do you think you were bullied from 5 years old on? That's a very long time to be bullied. I'm not blaming you or anything I would just be interested to know why you believe you were bullied for almost 15 years of your life. There was never consideration of changing schools?

Changing school districts would have been far too complex, especially since you go to whatever school has been decided upon for your ZIP code within your district. At least that's how Texas works.

For example: kids living in 77024 and 77079 would go the same junior high; however, when it came to high school, those in 77024 would go to one high school and those in 77079 would go to a different one. You couldn't change schools. The only option available outside of that was to go to a private school (most of which are religiously affiliated).

I know I was bullied for years on end. I remember it very clearly and while not everyone did it, those who enjoyed tormenting me did so mercilessly. I believe part of my problem was that I was shy and very overweight. While neither of those have a lot to do with someone's inner personality, it does make someone a prime candidate for bullies. Being outside the "cool and popular" crowd doesn't help as those inside that clique basically make the rules and whatever they say is not only followed, but believed.

I also wasted a lot of time and effort on attempting to solve the problem diplomatically. I tried talking to the bullies, going to teachers for help and eventually ignoring them. None of those options worked. Bullies want to hurt others, so if they know they're succeeding, that only influences them to continue. The teachers refused to act unless they caught the bullying in action (which they rarely, if ever, managed to do). Even if a teacher did see someone bullying others, the worst that would happen is an hour or two of detention. The bully who was scolded would then take it out on the kid he was originally hurting. A lot of people say ignoring a bully works, but it never did in my case. If I ignored them, they'd simply try harder and eventually resort to violence.

In the end, the only way to solve the problem was to respond with violence. Unfortunately, that seemed to be the only language these bullies understood.

[EtherealVocalist 0]

I think people shouldn't have opinions about people not wanting to have children -

It's none of their business. It's all a question of choices, which is the beauty of this country.

[Sprailenes 47]

I think people shouldn't have opinions about people not wanting to have children -

It's none of their business. It's all a question of choices, which is the beauty of this country.

No one has an opinion about him not wanting children.

Is part of the beauty of this country speaking before you have gathered the facts??

Oh ya silly me... it is!

[DeadPoolX 9]

Well said Amanda.

I have no issues with your desire to not have children. I think its great that someone can admit that and not force themselves to become a parent and end up hurting the child in the long run.

You and your wife haven't had children, and won't have children so you can not begin to understand what it is you two call: "mom brain" but when you have children.. EVERYTHING changes. I was 20 when I had my son, so a lot of my friends were still young, boy did I lose them fast. They were all being crazy university students and I was pumping breast milk and changing diapers. I'd go out for coffee with them and I would talk about Ethan and you could just see the boredom on their faces. They didn't understand.

I am sure your sister in law would appreciate "adult time" too, but she can't have it with children that small. Children that small literally take everything from you, all of your energy and if you took a moment to try to understand that, I think a light would go off in your head. You are complaining about a few hours, imagine how she must feel?? She's the mom.

Perhaps the next time you're over there at the inlaws you can offer to take the children to the park so they can spend some of that energy and your wife can have her adult chats with her.

You can't expect your sister in law to go back to the way things were before kids, thats just not going to happen.

I'm sure young kids (and children in general) take a lot of time. I've seen it firsthand. I understand it in an intellectual manner; however, I lack any emotional connection to it. As you said, I have not had children, so the context in which children appear to me is somewhat limited.

That does not, however, change my opinion. I have taken more than a moment to understand it and my feelings are the same. I don't want screaming and over-active little kids around me. I know I wouldn't be the ideal person for them to hang around, so it's in the best interest of all parties involved to limit my exposure to young children.

I know for a fact that my sister-in-law would enjoy some "adult time." If push came to shove and the only option was to watch her kids (something her husband could do), I would volunteer if it meant my wife and her sister could have some time together without kids nearby.

I don't think anyone expects my sister-in-law to revert to her days before giving birth. That would be highly unrealistic. However, there's nothing unfair in asking her to take one or two days out of the entire year to spend some time with my wife. She is married and her husband could watch the kids. I would like to believe he would do that (especially since they're his kids too) if that meant his wife could have some time together with her sister.

[sara..... 371]

wow i just now read about ur childhood years...........im sure that if u ever had a child that u would try hard not to be as ur father was.........there are two gifts that u can give ur child in life.....one is love of course.......two is a sense of self worth. a child that is constantly criticized has a hard time having self confidence so they are easy for others to pick on.....and to give a child that is not the way ur father tried to give it to u......im sorry for criticizing ur father i mean no disrespect .......its just i have seen a lot of kids that were treated like that and seems all have the same problem thru life and it is so unfair for them

good luck to u in ur future i will add u to my prayers

sara