Not a happy camper this morning

[Udella&Wiz 325]

It would seem my trip home is effectively not happening as planned this week.

My teenage daughter is feigning sickness of a sort (I think secretly she just didn't get around to everything she wanted to do, and doesn't have any spending money and made no plans with freinds) and now we're between a rock and a hard place

Can't leave her at home, too young, can't force a 6' tall teenager into the car without a scene. I begged, pleaded, tried appealing to her to reconsider figuring something out......so here we sit, packed and ready last evening without anywhere to go. Anyone who knows the story knows that my daughter has been an A1 pill since arriving here in Nov 2007. You'd think after all her griping she'd want to head back home even if she was dying and had 4 broken limbs

I'm just really heartbroken because I haven't been home for 8 months, my husband was looking forward to it to - first vacation for any of us since last AUG and we really need it - we've had so much ####### the last year with kids, me having an operation, work in general...that we needed a break.

If the plane tickets next week weren't $1341 - I'd consider going, but can't shell out that kind of money isn't an option.

Think I spent all last evening crying

[Emancipation 2]

oh my dear... that's awful... that's frustrating that she is calling the shots right now.

[Flames9_RN 358]

I'm in Falls church VA, will come over and duct tape her to the back seat!! Hopefully she changes her mind. I have no kids, so i have no usefull info,lol but I would be setting down the law! Easier said that done I suppose. Best of luck

[thetreble 19]

Ahh now shes just being a brat. She didn't get what she wanted originally so now she's spiting you from having all fun and enjoying yourself.

Force her in the car. I don't have kids but that is what I'd do. Her stunts like this have to stop. I know what it's like to be an emotionally charged teenager but dont let her ruin your life!!

[beans 7]

Ahh now shes just being a brat. She didn't get what she wanted originally so now she's spiting you from having all fun and enjoying yourself.

Force her in the car. I don't have kids but that is what I'd do. Her stunts like this have to stop. I know what it's like to be an emotionally charged teenager but dont let her ruin your life!!

Yeah, when I was a teenager..my parents forced me into vehicles all the time! lol I turned out fine. She's just testing you, you deserve a break. Do not take this lying down.

But then again, I am also childless. But you can't make everyone happy, and you should make yourself happy first!

[Krikit 1,164]

Aww, Udella. ((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))))

I hate that this is happening to you and that you don't get to go home. The meanage years were some of the worst, and most heartbreaking, times of my life. The nice thing about them is that they grow out of them in a relatively short time. The worst thing about them is that you wonder whether you, or they, will get through them intact. I really feel for you.

On the other hand, that was last night. For all we know she could do a 180 and you'll all be piling into the car in a minute. Damn meanagers.

(F)

[SuperDuper! 230]

Ahh now shes just being a brat. She didn't get what she wanted originally so now she's spiting you from having all fun and enjoying yourself.

Force her in the car. I don't have kids but that is what I'd do. Her stunts like this have to stop. I know what it's like to be an emotionally charged teenager but dont let her ruin your life!!

I agree. She will only become more manipulative in all her relationships if the behavior is rewarded and reinforced at her tender age now. GudLuk.

[Sprailenes 47]

Udella, you can't let her run your life like this. You have been VERY accommodating up until now and I understand its hard, I may not know your situation but as a mother, I know how hard it is to stand your ground. But you have to do it. If she knows she got her way this round, then she will just continue to pull the strings and you need to be the one in control.

You're going on your vacation next week and that is all that there is to it. She can complain all she wants but she isn't the one calling the shots, YOU ARE.

Edited April 4, 2009 by Sprailenes

[john & jean 37]

PEPPER SPRAY WILL GET HER ATTENTION......

[Reba 2]

I never had options as a teenager when a family vacation was planned, full stop. EVERYbody had to go, whether we wanted to or not. Whether I had gone and made plans of my own with my boyfriend, or didn't plan ahead and had no spending money, we kids had to go regardless.

Stuff her in the car, once she gets across the border and gets to see her old friends, she'll probably have changed her mind.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Thanks for the kind words guys......the situation is very complicated with her. You are correct in theory that no child should be calling the shots, but you haven't met my daughter...devious isn't the word

She has always been a manipulative individual - everyone likes there way, but it goes beyond that for her. I've spent my entire 'parenting life' monitoring her. I've spent my life telling her 'no'

Hard to explain. When you meet her, she is sweet and lovely, well behaved, pretty, social, a decent student when she gets to school and for all outward purposes...she is a great kid. But her need to be in control, calling the shots has always been an issue. As a small kid, it was easy enough to stop the shopping trip and go home, take her to her room, have a time out etc... it didn't stop her, she would frequently push for the same thing repeatedly (normal for every kid who wants something) but she doesn't stop at 3-4 times, she doesn't stop at 100! I certainly didn't give in regularly or not have rules, it was just no matter what...Gazi would buck them. She is a very powerful personality, much like me...but she doesn't channal that energy well.

The crazy thing is that she doesn't drink, do drugs or have sex (yet.. but that's ok ) She regards her body as a temple and loves exercise and eating right - she has so much going for her....except her need to control and manipulate situtions.

We take her to a family counsellor now and he's a great dude.....he said he sees a lot more kids like my daughter these days who feel incredibly entitled and are very demanding. Beyond what's normal for teenagers. Her need for Power exceeds the normal, and she's not mature enough to handle it .....quite a mess. We're trying to learn how to help her and the counsellor is attempting to guide her goals and abilities to reach them in a more positive way. Long process

To those without kids - I caution you that the solution is not as easy as it seems, please don't judge anyone you know by how their children behave. Parenting is a delicate balance....painful and long, although there are great times along athe way. It's easy even for me to say 'Well, I just didn't have a choice'....but it was a different environment, I had 2 parents, 1 who stayed home daily, we all got plenty of attention, less TV, more outside play, fewer outisde influences from tv, magazines, movies etc.... Today is a different game

If anyone is interested he told us about a concept used by psychologists called the 4 goals of misbehaviour in kids:they can judge what stage a child is at by seeing how the parent is reacting. Quite interesting reading and it applies to every child's behaviour, in fact every adult's. When you can recognize and label it - it's easier to deal with it when youcan say 'Oh, this is X, this is how I should deal with it if I forget in the heat of the moment'

Sorry about my personal venting thread

Edited April 4, 2009 by Udella&Wiz

[Flames9_RN 358]

Thats why I put in my caveat--no useful information,lol!! And probably 1 reason why i dont want need skis in my life, just dont want the hassle,lol Plus after reading al my nursing books, which focus on the negatives (disease) makes me wonder why people have children!! Sounds like your doing a great job as a parent, and hopefully it all works out. Every one handles their lifes differently.

[Sprailenes 47]

No need to be sorry Udella.

I don't have a teenager but I understand as a mother that it is very difficult to be in a situation and have to battle your own kids. It's not fun, its heartbreaking, it can really frustrate you inside.

I understand she can be manipulative and I understand there are stages to her being and that her personality is strong. That being said, she still does not have a right to act this way and you can't allow this behavior to go on.

She has you in tears, she has you upset. Is she standing beside you right now telling you that she's sorry?

She probably doesn't care much that she has hurt you, she got her way and that's all that matters.

I feel like she is playing the 'victim' card. You dragged her down here, she didn't choose this, and because of that she is the 'victim'. And once a teenager has that card, they'll play it over and over again as long as you keep allowing them to do so. I find sometimes that a psychologist can enable people more because they give you reasons for the behavior and behavior doesn't always require reason, it requires discipline.

I wish you luck Udella. I am very sad that you are unable to go on your vacation.

[trailmix 77]

Ohh, i'm sorry to hear your vacation is on hold!

Yes, this is tough. I am a parent and my Son is grown up now and no it's not easy all the time.

I was interested to see what you mentioned about the 4 misbehaviours, so I looked them up. I hope she does a turn around and you get going - I understand you are at where you are at and no amount of advice is going to get her in the car at this time - the horse has left the barn so to speak, but I do wish you luck.

The four types of misbehaviours are:

1. “Notice Me” behaviours: These behaviours include clowning, cuteness, some eating problems, interruptions, shyness, showing-off and whining. They are very common in young children who think that the world revolves around them.

2. “Help Me” behaviours: These behaviours include incompetence, laziness, forgetfulness and untidiness which are all great ways to keep parents in children’s service. When parents respond to “help me” behaviours by reminding, tidying and doing things for kids soon become helpless!

Both behaviour types achieve the goal of attention. You know you have attention-seeking behaviours if your feel annoyed or frustrated. And you tend to respond by scolding, correcting, reminding or doing tasks for kids, which is B-grade attention but good enough at any rate.

3. “Make Me” behaviours: These behaviours include defiance, arguing, dawdling, temper tantrums and stubbornness. These behaviours let parents that they can’t make them do anything they don’t want to do. The goal is power and control. You know you have a power-seeker on your hands if you feel angry. You actually want to make your child do something. Its not pretty! If you respond by telling them what to do you often get an argument, more defiance or lack of cooperation. Theses kids don’t mind a good scrap!

4. “I’ll hurt you” behaviours: These hurtful behaviours include hit, stealing, refusal to cooperate and saying hurtful things. The behaviours vary but the goal is the same – to retaliate or hurt others around them. When confronted with these retaliatory behaviours you feel hurt or even threatened. “How could she say such awful things to me?” is a typical reaction. You also feel that you want to get even with your children for wanting to hurt you. It can get nasty!!

Goal-related behaviour works because parents tend to be as predictable as a washing machine cycle. As difficult as it may seem you can change your children’s behaviours when you stop responding impulsively to children’s misbehaviours. Ignore ‘notice me’ behaviours (and place your attention elsewhere), stop being a mule to help me kids, refuse to fight with power-seekers (and implement a consequence) and avoid overtly showing your hurt when confronted with retaliatory behaviours.

Sounds easy, often hard to do. But discipline and behaviour-change is primarily about parental behaviour change. Start by avoiding your first instinctive impulse when kids are less than perfect and identify the behaviour’s goal. Then change your usual reaction. See what happens. Experiment a little and expect children’s behaviour to get worse before it gets better. Hang in there and you will see results in terms of improved behaviour.

[Krikit 1,164]

Parenting was the hardest job I ever had. Females are, by far, the worst of the two sexes. Give me a male any day!