People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

[cajunasian 0]

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Fandango 1,439]

someone posted this not too long ago, lolz

[almaty 19]

i still enjoyed it again

[Kathryn41 3,205]

To attend my interview in Montreal I drove to Hamilton and then flew with West Jet from Hamilton to Montreal and back in March 2004. I have never enjoyed a more informal and humorous flight in my whole life and would happily repeat the experience at any time.

I have read the above before, and am adding a few of the incidences I remember from my own flight. When I arrived in Hamilton for my flight, the waiting room was being entertained by the flight announcer doing stand-up comedy. When a flight was due to board, the flight announcer called on a 9 year old waiting passenger to read the arrival announcement and instructions and everyone applauded her performance.

Upon arrival in Montreal while taxiing to the terminal gate, people began to undo seatbelts and prepare to stand up before the plane arrived. The flight attendant said, "OK everybody, I know you are eager and as soon as it is safe for you to stand up I will tell you. (pause) Not yet . . . hold on .

. no, not yet . . . . waiting . . . waiting . .. Ok, everybody, Now!"

While waiting for the return flight they held a trivia contest to see who would get to move their seat to one with extra leg room. They asked which Canadian city has 2 time zones? The winner (Lloydminster, Sask) got to sit in the seat with extra leg room - beside the emergency exit door.

When the flight attendants collected garbage at the end of the flight they brought two containers - one for garbage and one for recyclables.

Who says flying can't be fun!

[Ladylethal 12]

Are those supposed to be true? ´Cus they´re indeed funny.

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

Are those supposed to be true? ´Cus they´re indeed funny.

Yes, I have personally heard number 9 and a few others on Southwest Airlines. They wear shorts and tell jokes.

[Nessa 23]

yes it was funny, first time i read it

[tmma 467]

Are those supposed to be true? ´Cus they´re indeed funny.

Yes, I have personally heard number 9 and a few others on Southwest Airlines. They wear shorts and tell jokes.

Yes, I've worked with and flown SWA ALOT over the years, and they do indeed have their own particular brand of humor.

Actually SWA employees ( well the crew anyway) seem to be the most un-stuck -on-themselves bunch in the part of the industry that I deal with!

[*Robert* 2]

Every once in awhile you get some flight attendants with a sense of humor... but not very often!!!

[tmma 467]

Every once in awhile you get some flight attendants with a sense of humor... but not very often!!!

Agreed.

-It may be of interest to note that the passengers that most airlines "thank profusely" for flying

--are referred to usually as " the load" during pre board;board;flight and de-plane.

However SWA people are generally really great!

[tmma 467]

THIS HAS BEEN FLOATING AROUND FOR YEARS-BUT STILL MAKES ME CHUCKLE-

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level .

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

http://forwards.wordpress.com/2005/12/14/h...y-airline-crew/

[anya-D 8]

just so funny!!!

[sadie33138 0]

I love Qantas

[Ivanovo 0]

THIS HAS BEEN FLOATING AROUND FOR YEARS-BUT STILL MAKES ME CHUCKLE-

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level .

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

http://forwards.wordpress.com/2005/12/14/h...y-airline-crew/

[cajunasian 0]

I was flying from Houston to New Orleans this weekend and heard this:

Man who asked the counter clerk at the airport , "How do I know Which plane to get on?"

Ticket agency:"What exactly do you meant ?"

Man replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.