Umbrella Corporation requests government bailout

[Niels Bohr 72]

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Executives from the Umbrella Corporation today asked the US government for nearly $100 billion in aid money. They said without such funding, the world's largest pharmaceutical bioterrorism researcher could go bankrupt as early as June. It would be the company's second bankruptcy, having restructured several years ago after running a gauntlet of lawsuits and criminal investigations.

"This isn't just about keeping the Umbrella family together, or making sure our 10,000 employees have paychecks to put food on the table," Umbrella founder Ozwell E. Spencer said in an impassioned speech to the U.S. Senate earlier today. "It's about hope. It's about mom, baseball, and apple pie. It's about keeping the United States at the forefront of exciting fields such as pharmaceutically mind-controlled super soldiers."

Spencer said that simply powering the containment tanks at Umbrella's Washington, D.C. facility of super-mutated biological weapons costs several million a month. He added that the company has been genetically engineering the creatures who can no longer be deemed "human" so that they can sustain themselves only on the flesh of the perpetually homeless. While Spencer stressed that only grown males were intended to be among the sustainable food sources for these creatures, he did admit that, "there are some glitches that have yet to be worked out." Last month's glitches alone tallied three women, a small orphanage, and a stray cat.

Opponents to the proposed Umbrella bailout, such as Senator Ron Davis, have criticized the company for stepping up its outsourcing in recent years. "Umbrella practically owned Raccoon City as the rural town grew into an industrialized metropolitan center," declared the senator. "But after the city was devastated by an unrelated catastrophe, Umbrella turned its back on the hard-working Americans of Raccoon City who survived physically, if not mentally. Instead, the company turned overseas, using subsidiaries to set up operations in rural Spain and the African nation of Kijuju, where labor is incredibly cheap and frequently homicidal."

After Spencer's appearance before Congress, Atlantic Colgate Securities' Wilson Evans downgraded Umbrella stock from "Hold" to "Sell."

"After years of stagnant revenues and slipping profit margins, we have lost faith in this management team," Evans said in a note to investors. "While they undeniably lead the world in turning ordinary people into turbo-freaky killing machines with, like, a bajillion tentacle knives, we are beginning to rethink the profit potential of furthering humanity's evolution by devastating the world's population. Also, we believe the corporation faces customer confusion issues, as Umbrella has been responsible for roughly a dozen different viruses on the market in the span of about a dozen years. Do they really expect consumers to understand the difference between the T-Virus and the T-Veronica Virus, or Las Plagas and Uroboros?"

In other bailout news, after being denied federal funding last month, the Mishima Corporation declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy today. "It turns out holding a no-holds-barred international fighting tournament to determine the company's CEO wasn't such a hot idea after all," lamented one executive who wished to remain nameless.

[payxibka 10,045]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

[Niels Bohr 72]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

Play along!

[payxibka 10,045]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

Play along!

you can do better

[Niels Bohr 72]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

Play along!

you can do better

Obviously, those who played the game know it's fake. The point of an April Fools is to fool people, not to down play it. Gosh!

[payxibka 10,045]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

Play along!

you can do better

Obviously, those who played the game know it's fake. The point of an April Fools is to fool people, not to down play it. Gosh!

the point of a April Fool's joke is to have a story that is BELIEVABLE in order to fool people (other than the village idiots)... in order to be successful at FOOLING people the story needs to be more believable. You can do better than this particular story

[Niels Bohr 72]

not even believable as a April Fool's joke...

Play along!

you can do better

Obviously, those who played the game know it's fake. The point of an April Fools is to fool people, not to down play it. Gosh!

the point of a April Fool's joke is to have a story that is BELIEVABLE in order to fool people (other than the village idiots)... in order to be successful at FOOLING people the story needs to be more believable. You can do better than this particular story

You're not going to get everybody. There are people out there who still believe in the Blair Witch. And, there are still people out there who believe in things that aren't real such as Elvis was abducted by Aliens, UFO Autopsy, etc...

Edited April 1, 2009 by Niels Bohr

[payxibka 10,045]

Your not going to get anybody

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

onion, eh?

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

Oh dear....

Us unsuspecting folks in Raccoon City had better watch out.

[Ladylethal 12]