Wedding plans and invites hell.

[jojo_gee 8]

Hey folks. So I'm waiting on my pending K1 visa and planning to get my flight over to San Francisco for early May and be married early June. Can you see how much time I don't have..?!! Anyway, I know for a fact none of my family are coming over because I have said it's too short notice and a big expense for what I'm hoping is gonna be a low-key wedding. I'd prefer them to visit when I'm more settled so we can all relax and enjoy. This doesn't bother me although of course I would love my 3 sisters and mum to be there to help with the day.

So, we're planning a guerilla wedding (can't say where yet) with a picnic in the park, dinner later and maybe out to a cheesy club to dance the night away.

Only trouble I'm having is my fiance says I should send invites out to people in the UK even though I know they won't be coming. This to me says cheeky all over it. It's basically asking for a wedding gift isn't it? Him being American says this is fine but me being politely British and all that thinks this is bang out of order. What do you guys think? Anyone had the same issues? What did you do? I'm well aware that because I'm getting married in the States, wedding gifts will be less than say if I got married in Scotland. How did you announce your wedding dates? Obviously friends and family would like to know but I feel that an invite, a group email or Facebook message is not the way!!!

Any ideas or advice would be well appreciated.

JoJo XX

[Otto 83]

I think invites to folks you know won't/can't come is 'cheeky.' Some may find it insulting while others may actually feel (somehow) obligated to come.

Instead I'd suggest Wedding Announcement(s) - something nice/creative - maybe something people could keep as a memento of the occasion.

I would not (if it were me/us) include any information about a wedding registry.

[mr and mrs 187]

i agree about wedding announcements. i think we will do 'hey! we got married!' cards to let people know.

send invites to those who will be coming and announcements for those who cant/wont make it.

do what you are comfortable with! be yourselves! id like to be a guest at your wedding. from your little avatar up there, you guys look like you'd do something v. hip/chic/stylish. have fun!

[Nik+Heather 121]

I think invites to folks you know won't/can't come is 'cheeky.' Some may find it insulting while others may actually feel (somehow) obligated to come.

Instead I'd suggest Wedding Announcement(s) - something nice/creative - maybe something people could keep as a memento of the occasion.

I would not (if it were me/us) include any information about a wedding registry.

Eeek, you aren't supposed to include any mention of gifts in the invite anyway...

We are going to send an invite to his grandparents, who are homebound, and thusly unable to attend an international wedding. This is where the thought really counts, that you would have wanted them there for your small intimate wedding. Would any of them get the idea that they were not invited because they didn't get an invitation? - How many people are we talking about?

What are your thoughts of a hand written addition saying something along the lines of "Although we realize this timing may not enable you to attend in person, it would mean a lot to us for you to attend in spirit, and wish us well on our happy day" or something? I'm not much of a word smith, but I hope you get the idea...it's a hard line to walk...

[amberdima 6]

i agree with announcements afterward. include a nice little picture and all who couldn't make it will still feel honored. enjoy!

[fozzie 41]

Smalll Wedding with me and the wife, our parents and siblings. Some of my wifes extended family were a little upset but as my family would struggle to come over we thought it unfair.

We loved the day and got to enjoy being with those closest to us without the hassle of spending 5 mins with every guest no matter how distant they are.

We had a party for my extended family in the uk before the wedding and one with laurens extended family and friends after. Everyone got a wedding announcement and we NEVER mentioned gifts or anything. It irks me when people do that.

[mr and mrs 187]

Smalll Wedding with me and the wife, our parents and siblings. Some of my wifes extended family were a little upset but as my family would struggle to come over we thought it unfair.

We loved the day and got to enjoy being with those closest to us without the hassle of spending 5 mins with every guest no matter how distant they are.

We had a party for my extended family in the uk before the wedding and one with laurens extended family and friends after. Everyone got a wedding announcement and we NEVER mentioned gifts or anything. It irks me when people do that.

that sounds great. : )

honestly, i dont mind the mention of gifts, though i would not personally do it. what irks me more than bad etiquette is wastefulness. holy #######, NO, i dont want anything crystal. at all. special glittery picture frame? no thanks. but, having said that, you can probably tell that i am one that a. returns gifts. or b. re-gifts them with no remorse. <awful girl>

ps. jamie is much nicer and more appreciative in general than i am.

edit: also, i wish people wouldnt get upset about not being invited. its hopefully never done to be hurtful (unless its on that bridezilla show, which makes me super-uncomfortable to watch). it's most often a very careful and difficult decision about what is best for the bride and groom, right? why, when you are supposed to be wishing the happy couple all the joy in the world, would you instead be petty? uncalled for.

edit: i sure have a lot of wedding opinions considering im not having one. : p

Edited April 1, 2009 by mr and mrs

[Marty J 0]

Lots of people send out wedding invites to people who can't make it; just because they can't come doesn't mean they aren't invited does it?

We all received wedding invites for my cousins' weddings, and they both live in Australia.

We're probably going to have the opposite problem. We're only having a little wedding with a few people and aren't sending out invites at all. I know there'll be lots of complaining back here from people who don't receive an invite.

My aunt says she collects wedding invites!

Edited April 1, 2009 by Marty J

[Laura+Tom 2]

I was told you should send out invites to those who may not be able to make it as it shows you've thought about them and not ignored them. I suppose it's different if someone has explicitly said no I can't come whatsoever. As for the not mentioning gifts, how else do you do it? Especially if you want some electrical items and they are going to be American spec. Word of mouth wouldn't really word in our situation. I was just going to include a line saying 'If you wish to contribute to their new home Laura and Tom have a registry at......'

Edited April 1, 2009 by Laura+Tom

[DisneyLovers 18]

you could do what we did, we sent inivtes to certain family members that although we knew couldn't make it, we knew they'd want the thought of feeling of being invited, in their invites we also mentioned that we realize that the short notice may not make it possible for them to attend but once I was able to travel again we'd be planning our vow renewal in the UK and would love to have them there with us as a second wedding sort of thing. I cant remember exactly how we worded it but the feedback was good from pretty much everyone we talked to after the invites went out. my maternal grandparents said that they appreciated being thought of even though they couldn't attend and seeing their eldest granddaughter get married. Since my Grandfather passed away over christmas my Grandmother told me that getting to see his cheekiest angel renew vows/get married in the same church that they and everyone in the family had gave him another thing to try and fight the cancer for.

I know having a second wedding/renewal of vows in your home country might not be viable for some, heck even for us and this stinking economy I'm glad that the church has a waiting list for summertime weddings gives us a chance to save some more and me some time to loose a bit more weight LOL, anyway just a suggestion to make those that cant attend not feel as left out

[John and Camie 39]

We are getting married twice; on a gondola ride in Newport Beach (followed by a barbecue reception that weekend at my parents' home), and later in England with John's family and friends (his mother will be giving me away). That way, both sides celebrate. Hope it works as well in reality as it does in my head!

[jojo_gee 8]

Hey guys, thanks for all your suggestions. I totally know about the whole not mentioning gifts thing, I'm with you all on that one, I just think my fiance is being a bit greedy!! I have since had serious words to put him in the picture.

I have decided not to invite anyone in the UK because I know nobody is coming over. I'll maybe send my parents and sister an invite as a keep sake but I'd be wasting my time and money sending out 100 useless invites. I like the idea of sending out a 'we just got married' type of card with a photo on. That's something I'll definitely do. I'm jealous of all you people who have family coming over to join you on your wedding day. I know I'm gonna miss getting ready with my sisters and my mum fussing over me. In fact, the more I think about it, the more upset I get. Nevermind, I know I'll have a lovely day with all his friends and family.

Good luck to all of you and your plans again.

JoJo XXX

[Leney 0]

My mother (American) told me it was proper etiquette to send invites to all family and close friends regardless of whether they could/would attend or not (apparently some people keep them in memory books? I dunno!), whereas my husband was appalled by the idea (felt like it would be rubbing salt into the wounds type deal) as his family could not attend. We solved this by only sending invites to the American side, and sending little announcement cards to the Scottish side with our wedding photo about a week afterward. "Introducing Mr and Mrs" - were wed day, time, location, etc.

Now, on our wedding invitations, we had a link to our online registry but we didn't ask for money or gifts. Like "The Bride and Groom are registered at Bonton" and their registry is accessible by keyword yadayada"

Here is an American wedding invitation etiquette Q&A: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-plannin...-etiquette.aspx - It does say to invite everyone to be fair to your fiance ;P

[rocks 494]

Lots of people send out wedding invites to people who can't make it; just because they can't come doesn't mean they aren't invited does it?

We all received wedding invites for my cousins' weddings, and they both live in Australia.

We're probably going to have the opposite problem. We're only having a little wedding with a few people and aren't sending out invites at all. I know there'll be lots of complaining back here from people who don't receive an invite.

My aunt says she collects wedding invites!

we had our invitations hand written in calligraphy so we wanted to make sure we sent them to all of our family members even though we knew they wouldn't be coming. we spoke with them all and told them we knew it was short notice and a long way to come and it was fine if they didn't come we just wanted to make them feel included. i don't see what's cheeky about it? we didn't send them out to get gifts..?

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

I'm going to send invites myself...but Knight and I are going to just have the civil ceremony when I get there and wait a couple of years to have a proper one, because he'll have graduated by then and we'll hopefully have saved enough to get people up to Anchorage. My closest friends are all students and therefore operating on a tight budget, so I have to figure out how to help them however I can without draining my own. I also don't really have family as such save for my friends and their parents, but they've become the family that I have (as well as Knight and his brother/parents/step-family).

In any case there's no harm in sending invites anyway because then while people might not be able to come, they'll still get that warm, fuzzy feeling that you sent it personally to them. It demonstrates that you still had them in mind and made the effort to let them know that you wanted them to come along, even if they've told you otherwise.

:: Crawls back into her box ::

Magpie.

/edit: I know it'll be a pain in the bum, but for certain people, you could add a note or something that says "I know you can't come, but I wanted you to have an invite anyway" or something along those lines (and a great deal more eloquently than I've put it here). That way, they may feel more touched than obligated!

Edited April 7, 2009 by KnightAndMagpie