adjustment of status at home

[Yader&Sarah 0]

Hi all.

We are so blessed to have received the k-1 visa and my fiance has been in the US for just over a month (this is his first time here). We were married at our civil ceremony last Friday.

we both knew this was going to be very difficult, but now that we are in it, it's overwhelming at times. Not to say everything is awful. We have good times and very emotional, difficult ones.

I'm assuming most of this is because my fiance has always been a very self-sufficient person who has worked and lived on his own since he was 16. and now wham, he has to depend on me--financialy, socially, and emotionally. He also speaks very little English, but is taking English classes daily. He gets along well with my family, despite the communitcation difficulty.

We have found many opportunities in the community, ie Spanish speaking Habitat for Humanity volunteer opportunities, free english classes, spanish speaking churches, etc. I know these aren't magic, but I'm trying to find a way to give him some sense of control back.

I was wondering if anyone had advice about your first few months. What was difficult? What did you do that worked and what didn't?

Thanks all!

[YuAndDan 153]

Moving this to "Moving Here and Your New Life In America"

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

The first few months are hard, but it sounds like you have a good start with the english classes, volunteering etc. There's a thread about homesickness in the 'Moving to America' forum which should be useful - I know you're not describing homesickness as such, but people in that thread are talking about difficulties of the adjustment period and dealing with feelings arising from loss of independence etc. I'm the immigrant and I also found it really hard to be dependent on my husband. Try to file for AOS ASAP, so that your husband will be able to work, drive etc - once you have filed then at least you both know it should only be about 3 months before he has his EAD to at least try to find a job and regain that independence. It sounds like you are doing really well so far with things for him to do - I wish I had had so many things to do! I would really work on his English so that he'll have a chance at finding work once you get the EAD/GC. I don't know what skills/qualifications he has, but once his English is better then maybe he can take a course in something, so for now he could think about that and the two of you could research it together. If he can't drive, is there public transport he could use if you show him? It really helped me to be able to go out on my own, even before I could drive. Apart from that, I think one of the most important things to realize is that unfortunately it's going to take time and you can't fix this right now - he will inevitably get frustrated despite everything you do - he's not being ungrateful and it doesn't mean you have a bad relationship because he is upset. When I got frustrated like that, my hubby often took it personally, like, 'what else do you expect me to do? I'm trying really hard' which of course he was, but that attitude didn't help! It helped much more when he was just sympathetic, though I know it must be hard to do and he felt like I was ungrateful. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, I wish you all the best.

[Krikit 1,164]

Hi Sarah. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it happens to pretty much everyone. Here's a link to a recent thread on the same topic. There are lots of others in the "Moving to America" forum if you wanted some more insight. How Do You Handle Homesickness?

Best of luck to you. If the two of you can understand what's going on and hang in there, this phase eventually passes. Good luck.

[MGG032589 0]

Well to start with congratulations. My husband came from Nicaragua too. And what you are going through is normal. The first few months are the hardest especially in marriage. Your husband and mines are very similar. Some type of machista, but not completely. They feel that they should be providing income to the household and not be depending on the woman of the house. That caused many problems and discussions between my husband and i. he felt he hasn’t a man for be able to help me with financial responsibilities. He will get over it soon. Just talk to him and let him know its just for a while. That things will get better and it wont be like that for ever. Even joke around and tell him to enjoy this time because once the EAD comes he needs to put his pant on. Make him laugh!!!! Good luck with everything and congratulations

[Yader&Sarah 0]

thank you all so much for your advice and support.

it's good to know this is normal. and I really appreciate your suggestions!

[beejay 123]

Congratulations on your marriage Adjustment will take time but it sounds like you have a good start on how to make him feel part of a community. If you can remind yourself that it is a phase and it will pass I imagine that will help you get through it as well. Best of luck to both of you. I would just say keep communicating with each other and try to enjoy your time together. Soon enough you will both have jobs and be busy and you won't be able to get this time back.