How Do You Handle Homesickness?

[panterchen 1]

mnmarty, glad to see you back here!!

So much of what you described your husband feels like reminds me of myself since I am in the States!!

I feel bored to death very often even though I could do almost anything I want. Money is a little short after sending in my AOS paperwork but we don't have to worry too much either. I have my own nice car (our grandfather gave it to us), my own bank card etc. And yet... I don't know what I could do most of the day, so I end up cooking a lot (which I do enjoy by now though, esp. the German recipes ), reading a bit and surfing online...I figure that it is getting better week after week and a lot of me hiding at home is just me feeling uncomfortable outside alone. I don't have any communication issues but I have to admit I feel intimidated sometimes by strangers talking to me (not the case from where I come from) in the post office or at Starbucks and I got lost with my car one or two times...and it is small things like these are just frustrating.

Every time I go out alone and do something it gives me more and more self esteem and makes me a little happier. It is like having small challenges in my new life. I understand how you feel because my husband gets upset at me at times, but I promise that it will all get better with time!! It is just temporarily and once he works (this is probably harder even on your husband not being able to contribute) he will be happier and feel more comfortable.

[jle930sl 0]

Thanks for the reply! Panterchen - I'm so happy to see that you are here, and your wedding pic, and that you even got the AOS done already! You guys are ahead of us... we're hoping to get the AOS done w/in the next week - we're working on the vaccination supplement now to be completed...

Anyways, I think he will get better. He is going volunteering today and is due to leave soon, so I'm excited for him to be doing something out of the house without me. I hope he enjoys it. If he does he already said he'd probably do it weekly, and maybe volunteer some other days w/that organization too. I think it will really help.

Thanks all for the replies!

[betazed 0]

Fortunately, Seattle has sushi and Canadian-born stores like Aritzia, Lululemon and Club Monaco (finally) . jk.

I've thought about this a lot. Fortunately, all of my relatives outside of my immediate family have lived in Seattle since the flood of boat people from Southeast Asia started arriving. I've spent every summer in Seattle until I was about 18, while my parents travelled, so I feel like I'm moreso moving to "my summer home". Also, my parents come down 2 weekends a month to visit their parents & siblings even to this day, so I think I'll see them pretty often.

I think that the differences between one's old home & his/her current one is a big factor. I'm hoping I'm right, as Vancouver & Seattle are rather similar, when looking at the big picture. But, the fact that the small stuff is what matters does creep up on me every now and again.

I'll definitely get homesick, but I've come to think that my life in Seattle will play a huge factor in how much I miss Vancouver. Work is a big deal for me, and I hate to admit this, but if my chances of employment is much worse than back home, it would definitely facilitate my homesickness.

I'm looking forward to see how far my homesickness will go.

Edited May 22, 2009 by betazed

[strangerinamerica 0]

Thanks for the reply! Panterchen - I'm so happy to see that you are here, and your wedding pic, and that you even got the AOS done already! You guys are ahead of us... we're hoping to get the AOS done w/in the next week - we're working on the vaccination supplement now to be completed...

Anyways, I think he will get better. He is going volunteering today and is due to leave soon, so I'm excited for him to be doing something out of the house without me. I hope he enjoys it. If he does he already said he'd probably do it weekly, and maybe volunteer some other days w/that organization too. I think it will really help.

Thanks all for the replies!

Hi Marty and Daniella,

I think mostly the "mistake" if it was one, was that you two underestimated just how difficult it was going to be for your husbands to move from where they spent their lives, and end up being stuck in a place where everything is alien to them.

In Daniella's case, I think she assumed that the generousity that she obviously showed for her husband would automatically make up for any feelings of being homesick, missing family, missing friends and most importantly... missing everything that was familiarity. It doesn't. The idea of suggesting that he came from a tinpot little town with no opportunities and nothing going for it, isn't really the best way of trying to understand it either. In fact I thought that was rather demeaning and showed a real reason for the initial problem of your not understanding of why he could be homesick. Think about it from his side, it's where his life was, whether there were opportunities there for employment or not is immaterial, it's where he was used to being, and maybe where he now feels that he belongs because he's away from it. I have those same feelings myself about where I am now, and where I came from, it can make you feel like "maybe I really don't belong here".

No matter how hard you try to understand what your partner is going through, you really won't be able to, because you're not the one going through it, you're just there picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of it. You'll understand he's frustrated, but you won't feel it yourself, or understand how hard it is to cope with.

Example- I spent less than 6 weeks without a car here when I came, and it drove me nuts not being independant. Independance, that's a big thing, you go from a situation of doing what you want to without asking or having to, to having to ask people for everything, from a ride to the store to directions on how to get somewhere or how to apply for a driving licence. Once the initial feeling of the adventure of being somewhere new is over, the frustration of trying to work through everyday life as well as the feeling of not being anything but an immigrant with no real roots or meaning, soon kicks in.

What you and anyone else coping with it has to do is probably what my wife did for me, and that was to give me plenty of space and try and talk to me about any problems I had or the emotions I was going through. On my part, I had the responsibility of telling her if something was bothering me. We worked it out. It wasn't always easy for us, and I still miss the UK even after 8 years of being here.

Will we stay in the US forever? No. We both feel now that after this amount of time I have given it a fair shot here and so within the next 2 years we're aiming to move back to the UK and see how life works out there for us and if she can settle better than I could here. At least next time around we will have the advantage of me knowing what my wife will go through as far as homesickness, and how she will feel.

Alienation and familiarity are two very strong feelings. A lot of people dont get over them, and that's why such a huge percentage of the people that emigrate to another country, end up going back to where they came from.

After I had my GC I actually went back to the UK for 5 weeks on my own, and even though we missed each oither, it did me the world of good. Going back once or twice a year helps at the moment too, but looking at it long term, I can't wait to be back there permanently.

Keep on talking to the guys and try to watch out for any little signs of discontentment that's brewing under the surface.

Wishing you both all the best of luck.