How Do You Handle Homesickness?

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

I just wanted to post and ask if you've ever been to Vancouver Island? There's a different culture there, a completely different lifestyle, and although I haven't been to Texas I hear that its like visiting a completely different country.. soo... he's dealing with a HUGE cultural difference right now, don't underestimate that in your situation. I'm from the East Coast in Canada and I visited the West coast for the first time last summer and got QUITE the eye opener by their culture, thoughts and speech. I was blown away by the completely independent and forward thinking that I ran into and it made a lot of sense to me how differently my brother (who lives there) and I have grown since he moved out west. I'm sure that some of your hubbies homesickness might be due to the fact that there are not like minded people around him right now?... Sometimes my homesickness comes from me feeling I'm the only one around me that feels, sees and has the same perspective. I constantly have to try to figure out the new norm, realize that what I say is going to be misinterpreted (or dismissed altogether as cute but irrelevant "hippy speak") and it gets exhausting at times.

I agree with everyone else, be patient and a sounding board for him (and send him home for a visit). My husband has been SO wonderful in this area, just listening to one rant after another. And my heart is back home, I want to go there someday too, but i realize it's in the distant future for sure.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I've been to Vancouver Island many times. It's pretty. The people in the particular place I went to weren't all that friendly, unfortunately. I got told all the time "America sucks!" and was constantly complained at because of freaking George Bush (who I didn't even vote for). It was hard for me to really make friends because I didn't have anything in common with anyone else. Most of my husband's friends worked at Tim Hortons or Panago and several already had kids; I was the only one who was a university student. All anyone ever seemed to want to talk about was their small "clique" of friends--none of whom I had ever met.

Things were a lot better when I visited some of my husband's friends in Nanaimo, and some others in Victoria and in Courtenay. When visiting BC, I especially loved Vancouver. I wouldn't mind living there one day.

But I always remember that experience I had in Campbell River. Whenever my buddies think it's a riot to lay on the Canada jokes when Sean's around, I make them stop because I remember how much I hated people ragging on me in Campbell River.

[raymaga 25]

Yes, the Canadian "jokes" get a little old, I have to admit. I've been here for 5 years and if I hear one more time... you say "aboot", I'm going to scream. I DON'T SAY ABOOT!!!!! Not even close.... but somehow, just because I don't say it like Americans do, and I'm from Canada.... I MUST say "aboot".

It's getting a little frustrating!!!

(Just my little rant for the day!!!!)

[Brit Abroad 166]

As a 44-year-old who has lived on three continents, I wasn't expecting to feel as homesick as I do. Partly, I expected that being married to someone who made me feel whole would compensate for the loss of all that I was leaving behind.

In hindsight, that's unrealistic. It's like invalidating all that you had/were before you married and moved in with your new spouse and it eventually comes back to kick you in the butt.

Many things need to be considered from both sides when you marry someone from another country:-

For the immigrants:-

Accept that everything you've known and taken for granted in your daily life is going to change. In some cases that change is small and cosmetic, in others it's so mindblowingly different that it turns your known world on it's head. It's NORMAL to feel wrong-footed and sad for what you've lost. It's NORMAL to drown in unhappiness until you find ways to cope with so much change but your spouse didn't force you to move, you chose to move to be with them. Try to see the bigger picture and not make both of you unhappy by apportioning blame.

Explain to your spouse that it's not them, or the life that they lead, or their environment .. it's simply that everything is new for you, it's different and you miss the ease that you lived your old life with, as well as having the instant support of family and friends who, although they may not agree with what you've done/are doing, will support the way you feel simply because they love you. Family and friends aren't called a "support network" for nothing.

Try and find equivalents of your old life in your new one. If you had a favourite place to visit, keep looking for somewhere that can be that place for you in your new home. If you had a routine that you enjoyed, talk to your spouse about introducing an equivalent into your married life. Maintain SOME continuity, which will help with the feelings of helplessness and not being involved in your own life. Shyness or fearfulness can really make life miserable when you move to another country.

Find new hobbies, aim to replace one "lost" area of your life each week. Get your driving license as soon as you possibly can - that level of independence and finding your own way around really helps. You are also more likely to make friends if you are out on your own, rather than as a couple - because you don't NEED to alleviate loneliness or boredom when with your partner.

For the US spouse:-

While you are bearing the brunt of the expenses, try to be patient and remember that this person has given up everything they know/have to be with you. That's a massive commitment that you can't possibly understand unless you've walked in those shoes. It can leave your spouse feeling lonely, scared, frustrated and angry - and these feelings are often aimed at you, because you are the reason their circumstances have changed. Be smart, try not to take it personally, but redirect the negative feelings into ways that you can both makes changes in the short term and the long term.

Accept that YOUR life has changed too. Not just that you've taken on a financial commitment for 10 years, but you're living with someone whose habits you may or may not like, who won't necessarily share your taste in food, movies and friends - among other things.

Encourage your spouse to use the "down time" before they can work, or before they find a job, by doing things that bring them into contact with important people in your life (maybe just visit the parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/neighbors) and help out with antyhing they may have difficulty doing, or just hanging out together and getting to know each other without YOU making a bridge between them.

Ask your spouse to elaborate on exactly what they miss. If you know what they're missing, you can do something to help. If you don't, then it's like watching a cat miaow - you can guess at what they want, but you can't be sure you have any real clue.

For both:-

Assume nothing. Assuming means you are approaching a problem from your own perspective. You may be one relationship, but you're still two individuals with a great many differences.

Talking helps. Yes, it can be pretty nasty at first - none of us likes our home country to be criticised. It challenges our loyalty between our new spouse and our country's way of life. That's a tough position for anyone to be in. For every negative the immigrant finds, ask them to find a positive too.

I can even give you an example of that from my own "homesickness" issues.

There are many things about America that I don't like. Some of these I knew before I left England, some I have discovered in my 6 months of living here. (For reference, there are an equal amount of things I dislike about England, too!). One of the things I greatly admire and respect is America's child safety laws. I love that all traffic in both directions MUST stop when a school bus' lights are flashing. This is something that the UK doesn't do, and I think it really ought to introduce it. However, I didn't really "discover" this until I started driving.

Do you see my point here? The more involved your immigrant spouse is with their new world, the more they will see and appreciate and have a balance with which to accurately measure the differences and find similarities and compensations. It takes time and a willingness to see the "good" aspects of America.

At the end of the day, we're all here by choice, because we love the person we chose to make those sacrifices for. Adjusting to marriage is hard enough as it is (every country's divorce statistics are going up to prove this) and we've made it even more difficult by moving away from everthing that we hold dear.

Talk talk talk - when you know what your spouse needs AND expects from you, and s/he from you, then you can find a middle ground that works for both. All relationships have issues. Whether you survive and have a happy marriage depends on whether you can communicate and how willing you are to make adjustments when they're necessary.

[Emancipation 2]

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I've been to Vancouver Island many times. It's pretty. The people in the particular place I went to weren't all that friendly, unfortunately. I got told all the time "America sucks!" and was constantly complained at because of freaking George Bush (who I didn't even vote for).

I got the same thing when I visited the Island... they all blamed me cause I live there..

Edited April 21, 2009 by Emancipation

[emberiza 0]

At times I've felt really homesick. I live in Montana and I really like it here. And I have a wonderful supportive husband. But it's been really hard at times. We have a business and we work together, but because of hard economic times we were without any income for a long time. Now it's gotten better. Hardest thing to adapt is the business of life. We have to work almost all the time because of the financial situation....But on the other hand I'm happy that we have work now as there are many who don't...

Especially the last couple months have been difficult for me. I lived in small town, in a small country and then I moved here to Texas. Everything is lot bigger here, different in so many ways. I feel homesick. Does anyone have any ideas how I could spend my day? Usually I just sit around at the apartment doing household chores, cooking, baking, drawing, photographing, reading, cleaning.... There's nowhere I can go without a car and my husband works long days and hours.

[reeses16 8]

I've only had time to read over a few of the posts. Great advice! I want to add that it really takes longer than a year for things to feel more normal. My hubby definitely prefers the pace of life and social aspects of Ethiopia. But he also appreciates the opportunities in the US (the opportunity to attend university, regular reliable work & pay, health care, public parks, gyms etc.). He gets home sick sometimes, but I think he balances his homesickness with his priorities. For example, he wants to build a life (buy a home, have financial security etc) here in the US. So he's decided that he will not go back to Ethiopia until we have a certain amount of money in savings, the whole trip can be paid cash, and he's earned enough vacation time that he will be able to go for an extended trip without interrupting our income. My hubby is pretty optimistic and open with his feelings, so if he mentions that he's homesick I know its pretty bad. When that happens we talk about Ethiopia, stories and memories about his friends and family. We reminisce a little and probably get a few extra phone cards that week so he can call a few friends that he doesn't speak to on a regular basis.

I realize its not nearly as expensive to travel to Canada, but maybe it might help Sean to see his homesickness in a different light if he compares it to some long term goal that he has. If he hasn't already, encourage him to meet new people outside of your circle and plan activities for himself with his new acquaintances.

[reeses16 8]

Especially the last couple months have been difficult for me. I lived in small town, in a small country and then I moved here to Texas. Everything is lot bigger here, different in so many ways. I feel homesick. Does anyone have any ideas how I could spend my day? Usually I just sit around at the apartment doing household chores, cooking, baking, drawing, photographing, reading, cleaning.... There's nowhere I can go without a car and my husband works long days and hours.

Do you have a drivers' license yet? If you do, how about making a deal with your hubby to have the car 1 or 2 days during the week? If its not too far, you could drop him off at work and pick him up, but at least you could get out of the house a little and mix up your routine.

What about meeting the neighbors? Maybe you could chat them up or make bring them something you baked.

I know its hard. My hubby was thoroughly bored for many months until he got a full-time job. He would just explore the city on foot or by bus. Study for his driver's license test, and go for coffee to get out of the house while I was at work and meet new people. He would go the the gym and park to exercise. He also took that time to familiarize him self with day-time court show on tv. lol.

[jle930sl 0]

Hey everyone. Thank you for all of your posts - they have helped a lot.

My hubby moved here March 2nd 2009 from Germany and we got married March 27th... so it's really only been a little over 1 month since he's come here. He's, of course, not able to work yet and our biggest issue right now is that he's bored out of his mind. I work 6 days a week to make ends meet and though he's filled up his time pretty well - he is still bored....

I've offered him ideas on things to do to help relieve his boredom - and some of them he does. We recently bought new furniture from Ikea that he spent several days setting up.... yesterday he made homemade strawberry jam, he cooks dinner every day (likes to cook too!) and does some cleaning...he'll talk to friends sometimes or play games, watch tv shows on dvd (we don't have a tv) too. But he's bored, which I understand - I'd be bored after a day of those things...

But he complains in the last days about not getting out of the house more, and I try to suggest stuff for him to do... like going to a coffee shop to drink something yummy/read a book/etc, going for walks, working out, volunteering (and have even told him of some opportunities in that area that I know about), driving me to work so he has the car during the day, etc... but all of the above things he either says he doesn't want to do for some reason or another... or gives me the impression he doesn't want to do it (i.e. after reminding him of the volunteer opportunities, he just says "yeeaaahhh" in that "but-I-don't-like-that-idea" sort of way).

And when we talked about all this stuff last night... I ended up upset because I want sooooo badly for him to be happy here, yet feel that no matter what I do he's still unhappy and bored - which makes me feel like a complete failure. I understand what it's like to move and not know anything, I've moved around the country several times in the last years... this time (I moved here in Sept. 2008) I MADE myself get out and make friends/feel incoporated. And I've also lived with him in Germany for 1 year, so I understand culture shock to a point (not the same as moving permanently though, I know)... and part of me feels terrible that he's so bored - he can't work, he can't get his driver's license (stupid Virginia laws) and he feels bad about always needing money from me for things... but part of me is slightly annoyed that he rejects many different things I suggest to him that might at least alleviate some of his boredom - and that part of me also says that if he refuses to do the different things I've suggested (or try to find more ideas on his own as well) then I don't feel 100% bad for him either....

And then, after I said that out loud, I felt horrible for saying it. This marriage thing and immigration thing and not working thing is difficult to adjust to all at once - even from my side.... and hearing all of your stories has helped. I do try to just listen and be understanding most of the time - but sometimes it's all frustrating as well. I just want him to be happy sooooooo badly... and I try to remember that it takes time.

Thanks everyone for listening!

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

But he complains in the last days about not getting out of the house more, and I try to suggest stuff for him to do... like going to a coffee shop to drink something yummy/read a book/etc, going for walks, working out, volunteering (and have even told him of some opportunities in that area that I know about), driving me to work so he has the car during the day, etc... but all of the above things he either says he doesn't want to do for some reason or another... or gives me the impression he doesn't want to do it (i.e. after reminding him of the volunteer opportunities, he just says "yeeaaahhh" in that "but-I-don't-like-that-idea" sort of way).

I feel for you, mnmarty, you situation reminds me a lot of my own (though I am the immigrant). Just a thought, but maybe your husband is nervous of doing those things but doesn't want to say so? Maybe he doesn't feel confident driving or understanding/being understood talking to strangers at a volunteering thing, and doesn't want to admit it, so just says no? As an adult, it can be quite hard to admit you don't feel comfortable doing something you really feel you should be, like driving, talking to people etc. Also, maybe he feels guilty about spending money since he isn't earning. My husband was always offering to take me places when I first arrived, but I never wanted to take him up on the offer as I felt bad about taking time out of his work hours and spending money on gas, coffee etc when we really didn't have much extra and I didn't earn anything. It's not your fault, I'm sure once he is able to work, drive etc and looks back at this, he'll realize it was the fault of circumstances and you were really trying to help him. Hang in there, I hope things get better for you and you're able to get his EAD/GC soon

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Hey everyone. Thank you for all of your posts - they have helped a lot.

My hubby moved here March 2nd 2009 from Germany and we got married March 27th... so it's really only been a little over 1 month since he's come here. He's, of course, not able to work yet and our biggest issue right now is that he's bored out of his mind. I work 6 days a week to make ends meet and though he's filled up his time pretty well - he is still bored....

I've offered him ideas on things to do to help relieve his boredom - and some of them he does. We recently bought new furniture from Ikea that he spent several days setting up.... yesterday he made homemade strawberry jam, he cooks dinner every day (likes to cook too!) and does some cleaning...he'll talk to friends sometimes or play games, watch tv shows on dvd (we don't have a tv) too. But he's bored, which I understand - I'd be bored after a day of those things...

But he complains in the last days about not getting out of the house more, and I try to suggest stuff for him to do... like going to a coffee shop to drink something yummy/read a book/etc, going for walks, working out, volunteering (and have even told him of some opportunities in that area that I know about), driving me to work so he has the car during the day, etc... but all of the above things he either says he doesn't want to do for some reason or another... or gives me the impression he doesn't want to do it (i.e. after reminding him of the volunteer opportunities, he just says "yeeaaahhh" in that "but-I-don't-like-that-idea" sort of way).

And when we talked about all this stuff last night... I ended up upset because I want sooooo badly for him to be happy here, yet feel that no matter what I do he's still unhappy and bored - which makes me feel like a complete failure. I understand what it's like to move and not know anything, I've moved around the country several times in the last years... this time (I moved here in Sept. 2008) I MADE myself get out and make friends/feel incoporated. And I've also lived with him in Germany for 1 year, so I understand culture shock to a point (not the same as moving permanently though, I know)... and part of me feels terrible that he's so bored - he can't work, he can't get his driver's license (stupid Virginia laws) and he feels bad about always needing money from me for things... but part of me is slightly annoyed that he rejects many different things I suggest to him that might at least alleviate some of his boredom - and that part of me also says that if he refuses to do the different things I've suggested (or try to find more ideas on his own as well) then I don't feel 100% bad for him either....

And then, after I said that out loud, I felt horrible for saying it. This marriage thing and immigration thing and not working thing is difficult to adjust to all at once - even from my side.... and hearing all of your stories has helped. I do try to just listen and be understanding most of the time - but sometimes it's all frustrating as well. I just want him to be happy sooooooo badly... and I try to remember that it takes time.

Thanks everyone for listening!

I'm the original poster in this thread. I posted sometime back about my husband and how bad things were for him, how he still missed his home so badly, etc.... and since then, there have been a lot of replies that have helped me and others as well!! That's cool. Since then, I've been talking to my husband a lot about this whole homesickness thing and have made some important discoveries.

Much like your husband, mine doesn't really get out of the house much and can get kind of bored. Yet he claims that he "likes being around the house" and hanging out. When I pointed out to him that that was sort of a strange dichotomy, he explained to me that his "boredom" and even "homesickness," to an extent, really isn't about being bored by doing nothing all day or being unfamiliar living in a new place, etc., etc. He said that it's an issue of freedom. Being able to do what he wants, when he wants. Not having to ask for things like money or rides to places. Not having his days centered around solely me.

I paid really close attention to what he was saying and the following week, I set him up with his own bank account, totally independent of mine. I closed out an old savings account I was hanging onto and put half the money in his new bank account and told him it's his to spend as he pleases--no questions. Let me tell you, I saw a big change in him once that happened. He was more relaxed and cheerful. Having the ability to leave the house, take a stroll down to a gas station and buy a Coke may not seem like a big deal to you and me, but it makes him SO happy. When I'm at work and he goes out with a friend, he is immeasurably happier because now he can be all, "Let's go out for burgers." Or he can go rent a new video game. Once he got his bank card, he bought some sunglasses online and had them delivered to the house and was SO happy about it. Once he gets his U.S. drivers license, I am giving him my old car--literally transferring the title into his name; it'll be his car (not my car that he just gets to drive when I don't need it). I can't wait to see how much freer he feels after that!

I know your husband doesn't have his GC yet, so you can't start a bank account for him or get him driving. But give him $50 at the beginning of each month (if you can) and tell him he can spend it however he wants; it's his money. Maybe buy him a bicycle. Don't suggest these things to him (e.g., "Maybe we could get a bike for you"); just do them. A lot of guys are lousy when it comes to giving the kind of feedback their wives are looking for (my husband does the whole shruggy, "Yeeaaaah, maybe" thing, too). Let him feel like he's free and go out and have an "adventure" whenever he wants. I think you'll see a difference in how happy he is.

[jle930sl 0]

Thanks for the replies! He does have a bank account already, but money is a little tight right now (will be better week after next) so neither of us has much spending money at the moment. He does dislike not having a car to get around, and the area we live in is small without too horribly much to do in it. He can drive me to work, but feels bad about using up the gas money to do so. I think his feelings lately stemmed from the fact that he was planning on getting his motorcycle license and a motorcycle (a dream of his for a long time) with some money we'll get in the next couple months, but recently we've run into road blocks with that and he's frustrated.... I think he does feel sort of "trapped" - and I do believe that it will get better down the road. Thankfully, he is also very honest and admits that part of it is the trouble of him just refusing to do stuff and that he knows I'm trying to help... and so I think that it's only a matter of time until he adjusts a little more.

And starting week after next we'll both get "spending money" to just spend however we please. Even I'm excited about that, lol.

But I didn't mean to take over this thread.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Thanks for the replies! He does have a bank account already, but money is a little tight right now (will be better week after next) so neither of us has much spending money at the moment. He does dislike not having a car to get around, and the area we live in is small without too horribly much to do in it. He can drive me to work, but feels bad about using up the gas money to do so. I think his feelings lately stemmed from the fact that he was planning on getting his motorcycle license and a motorcycle (a dream of his for a long time) with some money we'll get in the next couple months, but recently we've run into road blocks with that and he's frustrated.... I think he does feel sort of "trapped" - and I do believe that it will get better down the road. Thankfully, he is also very honest and admits that part of it is the trouble of him just refusing to do stuff and that he knows I'm trying to help... and so I think that it's only a matter of time until he adjusts a little more.

And starting week after next we'll both get "spending money" to just spend however we please. Even I'm excited about that, lol.

But I didn't mean to take over this thread.

Yeah, my husband has a lot of pride and doesn't really like having to "rely on" anyone for things. I agree--things will get better down the line!!!

Psf, feel free to "take over." It's anyone's thread, really.

Best of luck to you!

[Texanadian 10]

Much like your husband, mine doesn't really get out of the house much and can get kind of bored. Yet he claims that he "likes being around the house" and hanging out. When I pointed out to him that that was sort of a strange dichotomy, he explained to me that his "boredom" and even "homesickness," to an extent, really isn't about being bored by doing nothing all day or being unfamiliar living in a new place, etc., etc. He said that it's an issue of freedom. Being able to do what he wants, when he wants. Not having to ask for things like money or rides to places. Not having his days centered around solely me.

I paid really close attention to what he was saying and the following week, I set him up with his own bank account, totally independent of mine. I closed out an old savings account I was hanging onto and put half the money in his new bank account and told him it's his to spend as he pleases--no questions. Let me tell you, I saw a big change in him once that happened. He was more relaxed and cheerful. Having the ability to leave the house, take a stroll down to a gas station and buy a Coke may not seem like a big deal to you and me, but it makes him SO happy.

You really nailed it on the head. I remember when I first got to the US. Something so simple as stopping at Starbucks for coffee became a new debate. Before I moved, I would simply stop if I felt like getting coffee. But after moving, the question of do I really want this coffee? Should I buy it? Is this a waste of money? The unknown about where and when future money would come from. And that's just it. It's a $3 frappacino. But when you have $0.00 in income coming in, it's NEGATIVE $3.

The money stream leads to more hanging out at home and less going to the museum, going for a drive somewhere just because, trying out some new restaurant for lunch. The list goes on and on.

[Brit Abroad 166]

... he can't get his driver's license (stupid Virginia laws) ....

Are you absolutely sure he actually needs a US state one to be able to drive?

I was under the same assumption when I applied for my driving license here in Hawaii. Only to be told later, coincidentally by a driving examiner, that I can lawfully drive on my Full UK Driving Licence for a year after the entry date stamped in my passport. All it requires is carrying the passport, green card and UK driving licence (in addition to the car registration, safety and insurance certificates) with me when I drive.

So, although I only hold a state driving permit, not a licence, I can drive around anyway (and unaccompanied too!).

This presupposes that your car insurer will allow a foreign licenced driver on your policy, but you can probably check that out online anyway. I know that my husband's insurer added me based on my UK licence and simply asked that when I get my state license I need to contact them to change the details on their files.

Good luck!

Edited April 25, 2009 by Brit Abroad

[jle930sl 0]

Yes he can drive on his German license for 6 months and has been. But he had wanted to get a motorcycle license - and if he can take the course available here w/his German license, the motorcycle license he gets will only be valid for 90 days or so... so he was bummed about that.