Help! He played me....

[Peggy 1]

This is heartbreaking Jen

Sending you big HUGS

LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS ON VJ. WERE ALL HERE FOR YOU AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I wish your return to VJ was under better pretense. I hope that this issue is solved soon!

[jenprincess1 0]

I want to thank you all for your support. It is embarrassing. I am hurt. I do understand that some feel retaliatory. I didn't, until I thought about how he used my heart, love, money, and kindness all this time. I was more hurt than anything else, but my ex telling me what all he'd confessed to him helped take some of the hurt away.

I am not a vindictive person, but right is right and intentional wrong is the worst. I really do believe it would steal too much positive energy from me to do anything more than divorce him and send a notarized affidavit to USCIS ....... and the fact that he left in such short order should be evident of his intentions. I know I did nothing wrong. He knows he did.

Another member pm'd me to ask for some pointers to possibly help their situation. I sent this back and decided to share it with you all. I am not proud that love made me so blind and seemingly stupid, but this is some of what happened:

I met my husband in person in Kuwait. He was loving, sweet, kind, attentive. He introduced me to his family (maybe they knew, maybe not). I just spent 2.5 months with them in Egypt at the beginning of this year. I will miss his mom so much.

When he was still over there, he'd call (sometimes crying that he missed me), he'd text me, he even asked me to "just drop the paperwork and come back to live with him there". Nice one, huh? No one wants to believe this can/will happen to them.

Just before he got over here (month before) he sent me a message that wasn't intended for me, regarding "not giving my cat to anyone because it was his or he'd kill me". He called and swore it wasn't his, that it was from his friend to his girlfriend. I told him it was his style and spelling. He said he wrote it for his friend because he didn't know english very well...... AND YOU'RE SENDING IT FROM YOUR PHONE????? ok.... I chose to overlook it. I wanted to believe him. After all, I was the "queen of his heart" and blah, blah, blah.

Then, a week after he got here, I walked up behind him and read on a received email from some chick (on an account I knew about, but didn't have access to) that was titled: MY LOVE .... The body read: I miss you, please come back baby. I was devastated and Fkd up..... he swore she was only a friend. I don't talk to my male "friends" like that. And that he made that account, because he knew I was jealous..... wonder why? That one still eats at me. It didn't help that he'd make actual sounds whenever a good looking woman would pass by.

From there, we started having major problems and it was going downhill. I became extremely jealous (totally unlike me..... never have been with anyone else, at all) and he was markedly distant. Funny, he was good at turning so many things around that I'd end up apologizing. He made it where I was the one majorly eat up in the head and wanting to save it (that which really wasn't saveable). We went like that for 4 months..... went to Egypt for 2.5, came back and about 3.5 weeks after he got here, he took off for a job he didn't have, because he just had to work ONLY that job. (He was a cook at a 5-star hotel in Kuwait and that is his career path)

Things he would ask were, "if we divorce, you would still help me?", "If we divorced, what will happen, how will things go?"...... I'd freak when he'd ask, because my father was a cop with a degree in psychology and fed me information all the time. PEOPLE DON'T DO OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT A REASON, EVER. If they ask a question, there is a specific reason they want to know. If they behave a certain way, there is a reason behind it. My husband started withholding affection, etc. He'd use religion and culture as an excuse for certain things.... even though he never did in Kuwait.

He finally got to a point to where he told me that he loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. I was crushed, but wanted it to work. I couldn't believe he was out of love with me in just 4 months. That was because he never was, apparently. It's hard to accept that he used my heart and kindness against me, pretending to love me.

I know FOR SURE now, because my daughter's father is in Vegas (where he went) and told me yesterday that Amir confessed to him that he NEVER intended to stay with me and has been being advised by someone in Egypt or Kuwait all this time..... also told him that he shouldn't divorce me (that he'd have to leave), to let me divorce him. Soooooooo..... when divorce would come up in an argument, Amir would tell me if I wanted to divorce him, ok..... but he could not. He loved me and couldn't. See, he was trying to make me tired of him and leave him or kick him out. It didn't work, so he left for a job. He'd tell me he "just wanted to be alone" and "didn't want any responsibilities". He told my ex that his plan was to make me tired of him.

I know he's witnessed my ex and I argue, but we have a 20 year history. My husband was an idiot to think he wouldn't tell me what he knew. He didn't study the whole situation long enough.

Oh, another tell-tale sign: He got his own bank account without me on it. Even though we'd opened one together. His excuse? His friend was wiring him money and didn't trust ANYONE, except him. I was really pissed, because he did it and THEN told me!!!! Funny, each time we had an argument regarding trust, he'd say, "You must trust your husband" and act like I was being the bad guy for not trusting him.

I can't think of anything else right this minute, but if you need any more info, let me know. I am sad, because my mother co-signed to bring him over here, making us both responsible for him for 10 years. I am more bitter and less hurt now that I know it was his plan all along, but hurt nonetheless. I am absolutely amazed at all the things he said and did to get here, really. He deserves an academy award.

Of course hindsight is 20/20 or better. I am putting my life out here for all to see and scrutinize. I feel like an idiot, but I do hope these things help someone else from leaping without REALLY looking. I guess I know now that realistically, I should have thought about all these things:

1. I am fat (but cute ) 2. I am 10 years older than he 3. I wasn't a virgin 4. I cannot have kids without intervention (cut tubes) 5. There was no engagement ring 6. Rings weren't that important to him (seemingly) 7. There was no wedding party in his country (we could have), no matter how many times I inquired.

Culturally, I was NOTHING he would have married. That crosses all international lines, truly. I was good for my citizenship only, bottom line.

Again, thank you for your hugs and comments and support. I did come back with this, because I hope it helps someone else. I couldn't WHILE it was happening, I was too consumed.

Jen

Edited June 21, 2006 by jenprincess1

[CarolineM 0]

My heart just breaks for you...it is terrible that there are people out there who PREY on others.

I am so sorry for you...stay strong...

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I'm sure it wouldn't have matter one iota if you were 1)thin 2)A virgin 3)Able to have kids 4)Had a ring 5) He wore a ring too 6)Had a wedding party

The guy was/is a scammer - anything you did/anything you are/were was immaterial to him in the long run. Its all about HIM not you hun - don't look for guilt on your part (and the endless 'what ifs') where none exists.

[djcess 0]

damn! karma baby karma! tsk tsk tsk

i'm sorry to hear bout your situation. I hope you can figure out the best thing to do.

Edited June 21, 2006 by djcess

[gimygirl 0]

thanks for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us, jen!

again, sorry that you had to go through this. hindsight question though ... if you had seen a post like your's last year ... would it have made a difference?? would you have stopped the visa process?

i ask this because i am positive there are members here in the same situation, yet they will continue to believe that 'love' conquers all. again ... question of curiousity.

i wish you well as you heal from this chapter in your life!

[munchkins 0]

I will definitely second what Gimy has said, you have been so brave to put your story on here and for that I admire you and sincerely hope that it does help others.

You went through the process because you were in love and as far as you were concerned he loved you.

Love "can" be blind but unfortunately at the time we can all think "it will never happen to me " I think there are many of us on here who have gone through divorces so will agree with that. But you have been used in a different way and my heart goes out to you, whatever happens you will come out on top, just stay strong and do not be a stranger, we are all here for you

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Oh wow.

Jen I am so very sorry to read this.... after all you have gone through for this man.

As far as what to do.... well you have gotten some excellent advice here. Please don't beat yourself up for being played. The shame is all on him for deceiving you. And often.... what goes around, comes around.

My heart goes out to you.

-MK

[Mrs.J06 4]

Jen, I have no advice, just wanted to say that I admire you tremendously for your additude!

Take care of yourself, and don't ever feel stupid about it!

[jenprincess1 0]

Gimygirl.......

I cannot say that it would have made a difference, no. However, others may be more clever than I. We all want to believe this couldn't happen to us: I met him in person, not on the net (not knocking the net daters), he was charming, gushing, attentive, sincere (even cried sometimes), he wasn't bossy or demanding. He tempered his oppositions to some things just right..... he did everything really, really well.

That is why I didn't heed any "red flags" when they came. But I do recognize them (so-to-speak) now that I look back. Those were things that I should have looked at realistically. Culturally, if he wouldn't have accepted a woman "like me" there, then he shouldn't have accepted me or any other from ANYWHERE. That is just obvious.

Think about it..... if you were from a poor country with no future (really, truly) and you saw an opportunity to go, you would (example: You may not take an alcoholic, long-haired, 20 year older guy HERE, but MIGHT if you were uneducated, from a poor country, and had no real future....... to get OUT). It just depends on your "morality meter". Some have one, some have one that works, and some have NONE. I could not use someone's heart and waste three years of their lives for my own selfish gains, but obviously there are those that can and do. I just hope that one day it will occur to him what he REALLY did. I hope he realizes all the collateral damage, truly.

Jen

[Welshcookie 17]

Jen....

I did read your post last night and certainly remember you from months ago. I am so saddened to hear about this. I can only wish a brighter future for you. Take care, you are very brave

[Dixie_Peach 1]

jen... sometimes, i am not sure what is worth... death or divorce... it feels about the same emotionally tho...

my sympathies are with you... and i will be praying for you... you have received some good advice here, so i hope that whatever steps you take will bring some peace, comfort, clarity and closure to you...

God Bless,

Lynne

[tmma 467]

I certainly second all the supportive comments you have received-my heart goes out to you, it really does.

The only comment I want to make in addition to wishing you well is

-to surround yourself with supporting friends/family, spend some time pampering yourself and generally treating yourself well....but don't spend too long dwelling on the past and being upset ( he really IS NOT worth your tears) -you have stuff to do!

-if I were you I would be hiring the meanest SOB divorce/immigration attorney

-contacting the USCIS about this and gathering statements from witnesses that attest to his fraudulent intentions and nail his sorry behind to the wall,

-and find away to get out from under the affadavit of support!

It's time for Hard Ball. He played it ...now it's his turn to get it.

He is a sorry SOB and deserves no more from you, plus if you get him deported, it's like doing all of us a favor! One less fraudulent shiznit here!

Best of Luck and sincerest sympathy for your ordeal.

I know you must be hurting.

Be kind to and take care of YOURSELF!

Best wishes

Michele

PS Sorry if I am repeating comments that may have already been made.

I sincerely wish you all the very best!

[hampster 0]

Jenprincess,

# 1 . Not all guys are like that

# 2 . You, like all people male / female straight / gay all deserve happiness and honesty

# 3 . Please don't judge any new man in your future ( to the man who scammed and broke your heart)

# 4 .I appreciate and I applaud your courage to share your nightmare with everyone on here.

# 5 .Never give up on future love in your life.. it will happen for you.

# 6 .The People here on VJ are very supportive of each other and always have advice to help.

# 7 . Karma for him will be severe and it will happen.

# 8 . Forgive yourself for not seeing the forrest for the trees.

# 9 . Life goes on and in time you will love again

#10 . Take time to rehabilitate your heart and feelings.

#11 . Least you found out now and you can deal with the situation best you can.

#12 . You in time will bounce back and be smarter in heart and mind.

#13 . I hope i have not rattled of to many cliches

Be safe

Paul

Gimygirl.......

I cannot say that it would have made a difference, no. However, others may be more clever than I. We all want to believe this couldn't happen to us: I met him in person, not on the net (not knocking the net daters), he was charming, gushing, attentive, sincere (even cried sometimes), he wasn't bossy or demanding. He tempered his oppositions to some things just right..... he did everything really, really well.

That is why I didn't heed any "red flags" when they came. But I do recognize them (so-to-speak) now that I look back. Those were things that I should have looked at realistically. Culturally, if he wouldn't have accepted a woman "like me" there, then he shouldn't have accepted me or any other from ANYWHERE. That is just obvious.

Think about it..... if you were from a poor country with no future (really, truly) and you saw an opportunity to go, you would (example: You may not take an alcoholic, long-haired, 20 year older guy HERE, but MIGHT if you were uneducated, from a poor country, and had no real future....... to get OUT). It just depends on your "morality meter". Some have one, some have one that works, and some have NONE. I could not use someone's heart and waste three years of their lives for my own selfish gains, but obviously there are those that can and do. I just hope that one day it will occur to him what he REALLY did. I hope he realizes all the collateral damage, truly.

Jen