Legal Advise Please Husband Abandoned Me

[justashooter 430]

Well, I am back, after a month exactly. I have moved to another city, and then found a small fairly affordable place where I came from originally. I had an appointment with USCIS on March 23rs and my sister and I went in and told our story. The helpful officer instructed us to put it in writing with evidence and mail it in. He also looked up my husband's file and he had this small smile on his face as he said, gently, "why this is only a conditional card....the condition is that he is married" He instructed us to send in our letters and let us know it would go in his file.

Good to hear that you are back on your feet. We know that this choice to seperate and go your own way has been difficult, and commend you for your courage in taking control of your own life. Your "husband" was using you for his own purpose, and had no respect for you. He was not taking care of you, so throwing him into the dumpster was the right move. This is not over yet, so you will have to stay strong. You made it this far, the rest is comparatively easy.

Come back and talk to us any time you need support,

Shooter

[Bumbellina 0]

Thanks again everyone for your support. Yes, I have my own (very small) place -- it's sad really. I have all this nice furniture, that is not really so nice now that it has been moved THREE times in the last three months. It's all banged up and virtually nothing fits up here. I've had no time to think because I've been doing nothing but packing, cleaning, looking for places, and moving. It's crazy. Then I went to work and just mindlessly worked for hours and hours and hours. Unfortunately, on the weekend when I'm home trying to downsize and organize (what is a girl to do with a closet full of shoes when she no longer HAS a closet?) I have way too much time to think. Now, maybe I sound really strong on paper, but in person I am anything but. I am a basket case. This REALLY hurts. It hurts worse than anything has ever hurt, yet here I am, slogging through. I've been told my whole life, "Oh you are strong, you will make it through..." The suck thing is, being strong just means I can keep going after it hurts, long after other people would have dropped. I am sharing my story because the truth needs to be out there. I am not anti immigration, anti MENA, anti Egyptian or anti anything other than ANTI JERK!!!! Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, varieties and nationalities, however, ladies, if ya want a jerk, just go to the local bar. There you can find an azzz without having to go through the pain of the immigration process. I am going to say if you are with one of these men, question everything. Put them through the wringer and listen to your instinct. Be strong UP FRONT so you don't have to be strong on the back end. If I would have listened to my intuition and done more research, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

'kay now I'm rambling. The next thing for me to do is file the divorce. Unfortunately, he is making this difficult by saying he wants it, but not willing to pay for it, or provide me with an address to serve his papers. He seems to think I can just mail it to the old address and it will forward. I tried to explain to him that it has to be served, he has to sign for it, and even mail methods for this require a current, not a forwarding address. His reply? I can't give you my friends address. There are so many things he doesn't understand, or maybe he does, but in the US, you don't just say, "I divorce you" and be done with it. There is a procedure to follow to finalize the divorce and of course he uses this as an excuse to say, "you are being hysterical" He thinks he is single right now. He is lying to whomever he meets and acting as if he never had a wife. Just, you know, leaving that part out. The problem? Hey, jerko, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Such a butt.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

Thanks again everyone for your support. Yes, I have my own (very small) place -- it's sad really. I have all this nice furniture, that is not really so nice now that it has been moved THREE times in the last three months. It's all banged up and virtually nothing fits up here. I've had no time to think because I've been doing nothing but packing, cleaning, looking for places, and moving. It's crazy. Then I went to work and just mindlessly worked for hours and hours and hours. Unfortunately, on the weekend when I'm home trying to downsize and organize (what is a girl to do with a closet full of shoes when she no longer HAS a closet?) I have way too much time to think. Now, maybe I sound really strong on paper, but in person I am anything but. I am a basket case. This REALLY hurts. It hurts worse than anything has ever hurt, yet here I am, slogging through. I've been told my whole life, "Oh you are strong, you will make it through..." The suck thing is, being strong just means I can keep going after it hurts, long after other people would have dropped. I am sharing my story because the truth needs to be out there. I am not anti immigration, anti MENA, anti Egyptian or anti anything other than ANTI JERK!!!! Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, varieties and nationalities, however, ladies, if ya want a jerk, just go to the local bar. There you can find an azzz without having to go through the pain of the immigration process. I am going to say if you are with one of these men, question everything. Put them through the wringer and listen to your instinct. Be strong UP FRONT so you don't have to be strong on the back end. If I would have listened to my intuition and done more research, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

'kay now I'm rambling. The next thing for me to do is file the divorce. Unfortunately, he is making this difficult by saying he wants it, but not willing to pay for it, or provide me with an address to serve his papers. He seems to think I can just mail it to the old address and it will forward. I tried to explain to him that it has to be served, he has to sign for it, and even mail methods for this require a current, not a forwarding address. His reply? I can't give you my friends address. There are so many things he doesn't understand, or maybe he does, but in the US, you don't just say, "I divorce you" and be done with it. There is a procedure to follow to finalize the divorce and of course he uses this as an excuse to say, "you are being hysterical" He thinks he is single right now. He is lying to whomever he meets and acting as if he never had a wife. Just, you know, leaving that part out. The problem? Hey, jerko, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Such a butt.

I hear you...I understand what it's like when you're tired of being "strong" all the time, yet inwardly, you're in agony. I've gotten a lot better these past week or so, but I was at a point where I didn't want to be the strong person anymore. The ache's subsided for the moment, and I'm grateful to my Knight for that. If ever you need to chat about it, do PM me -- I had a family situation where I was in a very difficult position for most of my life, up until me moving out last November. While I've always had my amazing Knight, I've had to deal with it on this end by myself; I experienced the same emotions as you are going through now.

I'm not sure how it works, but can someone clarify whether there's a way of having a divorce when someone's being as difficult as this slimebag? I know I've heard of a similar case before where one party didn't want to go through with the divorce so they wouldn't be off support. Maybe the USCIS can suggest something?

:: Hugs :: You'll pull through this, as many times as you've heard it before. It'll hurt, and you'll have days where you want to crawl into a hole and never come out again, but it WILL end.

Magpie.

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I'm really sorry you're going through this

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thanks again everyone for your support. Yes, I have my own (very small) place -- it's sad really. I have all this nice furniture, that is not really so nice now that it has been moved THREE times in the last three months. It's all banged up and virtually nothing fits up here. I've had no time to think because I've been doing nothing but packing, cleaning, looking for places, and moving. It's crazy. Then I went to work and just mindlessly worked for hours and hours and hours. Unfortunately, on the weekend when I'm home trying to downsize and organize (what is a girl to do with a closet full of shoes when she no longer HAS a closet?) I have way too much time to think. Now, maybe I sound really strong on paper, but in person I am anything but. I am a basket case. This REALLY hurts. It hurts worse than anything has ever hurt, yet here I am, slogging through. I've been told my whole life, "Oh you are strong, you will make it through..." The suck thing is, being strong just means I can keep going after it hurts, long after other people would have dropped. I am sharing my story because the truth needs to be out there. I am not anti immigration, anti MENA, anti Egyptian or anti anything other than ANTI JERK!!!! Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, varieties and nationalities, however, ladies, if ya want a jerk, just go to the local bar. There you can find an azzz without having to go through the pain of the immigration process. I am going to say if you are with one of these men, question everything. Put them through the wringer and listen to your instinct. Be strong UP FRONT so you don't have to be strong on the back end. If I would have listened to my intuition and done more research, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

'kay now I'm rambling. The next thing for me to do is file the divorce. Unfortunately, he is making this difficult by saying he wants it, but not willing to pay for it, or provide me with an address to serve his papers. He seems to think I can just mail it to the old address and it will forward. I tried to explain to him that it has to be served, he has to sign for it, and even mail methods for this require a current, not a forwarding address. His reply? I can't give you my friends address. There are so many things he doesn't understand, or maybe he does, but in the US, you don't just say, "I divorce you" and be done with it. There is a procedure to follow to finalize the divorce and of course he uses this as an excuse to say, "you are being hysterical" He thinks he is single right now. He is lying to whomever he meets and acting as if he never had a wife. Just, you know, leaving that part out. The problem? Hey, jerko, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Such a butt.

I am so so so sorry. What I want you to do is continue talking about what happened to you. Not to discourage others but to make others aware of what happened to you. You could have lost a whole lot more than you did. I am sorry for your family. I am sorry for your heart. I am sorry because I have been where you have been and its terrifying and YES USCIS will help. Where everything will come in is when he goes to change status or get his citizenship. They do alot of digging and it will be very hard for him to bring someone here in the future and it will also be very hard for him to adjust the papers he has. Talk to the USCIS as much as you can and tell your story as much as you can as many places that you can. There is a funny little site that you can post his name to and tell your story

Its calledwww. DontDateHimGirl.com. Ironically lawyer is suing the site because it is interfering with his love life because his name is listed.Every little bit helps hehehehehe

Love you ... hang in there ok?

[Rainschild 0]

I am so sorry that happened to you

[Old Dominion 26]

Spouses disappear all the time, and divorces occur. Being unable to serve the papers is not a reason for denying the divorce petition. The court is allowed to publish a public notice advising him of the petition. If he does not respond within XX days, the judge will rule without his response.

As you already know, the agreement signed by the sponsor with USCIS means that the sponsor can be required to reimburse the government for any public assistance for the next ten years, and divorce does not eliminate that requirement.

It's a tough situation but life goes on..

[mr and mrs 187]

how incredibly heartbreaking AND frustrating!!

i guess this sort of fraud, among others, is why the process is so involved BEFORE green cards are issued. it seems a shame that once fraud (or inappropriate behavior ie cheating) is discovered AFTER the issuance of the green card, that there arent more clear options for hitting the eject button.

and i found it interesting that he freaked out about being called a name. boohoo, dude. you have been out putting your ####### into other women while engaged/married. it doesnt get much dirtier or disrespectful than that.

keep you chin up, bumbellina. you'll get through. just pretend to be strong on the days you dont feel strong.

[meowmeowmeow 1]

i can be a real jerk and suggest a trip to mexico for the weekend, and leave him there.

p.s. i am terribly sorry for you do what you have to protect yourself, save evidence of his infidelity (make sure your cookies on the PC aren't deleted, etc.)and seek legal aid...maybe there's a way to revoke his GC somehow and deport him for his stupidity....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thanks again everyone for your support. Yes, I have my own (very small) place -- it's sad really. I have all this nice furniture, that is not really so nice now that it has been moved THREE times in the last three months. It's all banged up and virtually nothing fits up here. I've had no time to think because I've been doing nothing but packing, cleaning, looking for places, and moving. It's crazy. Then I went to work and just mindlessly worked for hours and hours and hours. Unfortunately, on the weekend when I'm home trying to downsize and organize (what is a girl to do with a closet full of shoes when she no longer HAS a closet?) I have way too much time to think. Now, maybe I sound really strong on paper, but in person I am anything but. I am a basket case. This REALLY hurts. It hurts worse than anything has ever hurt, yet here I am, slogging through. I've been told my whole life, "Oh you are strong, you will make it through..." The suck thing is, being strong just means I can keep going after it hurts, long after other people would have dropped. I am sharing my story because the truth needs to be out there. I am not anti immigration, anti MENA, anti Egyptian or anti anything other than ANTI JERK!!!! Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, varieties and nationalities, however, ladies, if ya want a jerk, just go to the local bar. There you can find an azzz without having to go through the pain of the immigration process. I am going to say if you are with one of these men, question everything. Put them through the wringer and listen to your instinct. Be strong UP FRONT so you don't have to be strong on the back end. If I would have listened to my intuition and done more research, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

'kay now I'm rambling. The next thing for me to do is file the divorce. Unfortunately, he is making this difficult by saying he wants it, but not willing to pay for it, or provide me with an address to serve his papers. He seems to think I can just mail it to the old address and it will forward. I tried to explain to him that it has to be served, he has to sign for it, and even mail methods for this require a current, not a forwarding address. His reply? I can't give you my friends address. There are so many things he doesn't understand, or maybe he does, but in the US, you don't just say, "I divorce you" and be done with it. There is a procedure to follow to finalize the divorce and of course he uses this as an excuse to say, "you are being hysterical" He thinks he is single right now. He is lying to whomever he meets and acting as if he never had a wife. Just, you know, leaving that part out. The problem? Hey, jerko, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Such a butt.

Bumbelina, go to the courthouse and tell them your story. Show them the debt and ask about publication. I want to tell you that although the man I am married to DID NOT USE ME FOR A GREENCARD and is from MENA, he has done a hell of alot of other stuff that is off the chain and you have to understand that culturally as one friend of mine married to a Moroccan told me who beat the ####### out of her and tried to take her daughter ( albeit unsuccessfully) that American women for some of these guys are COWS TO BE MILKED.I was in a relationship with one guy from MENA about 5 years ago who I had a daugther with who used an American and still laughs about it ( he aint laughing now because hes got an arrest warrant on him for failure to pay support) I also was married to a man about 9 years ago who did or attempted to do EXACTLY what yours did including take my house, get his name on my credit and cheated on me like there was no tomorrow to the disgust of even the arabs around him. In fact the one who told me what he was doing was another Palestinian who called me and told me that he was bragging about screwing me after he landed in the Chicago airport and said to everyone meeting him, he cant wait to get a GOOD ARAB PURE WIFE and get his papers off me. I promptly freaked out and called everyone he knew back here ( he was supposedly on trip to Miami) and all of the sudden about 20 arab guys started all calling me telling me HES WITH ME HES WITH ME. I told them all I would kill him the minute I saw him. To which they promptly replied,,, WHY ARENT YOU LIKE THE NICE AMERICAN WOMEN> I screwed him so hard in 2003 with immigration, papers and everything you could find that he has never recovered.

The guy I am with now has ( yes we have remained married) unbelievably been horrible. Things have improved immeasurably but it wasnt until his Mom literally got out of our lives. He decided to stay and we have been in weekly therapy for the last 6 months. Yes BOTH OF US. But it was after a major tragedy and me filing divorce papers and then major intervention on behalf of my family who said either you shape up or we will physically remove our daughter and throw you out that anything budged.

Whats wrong with this picture? First I love my husband. I even loved the guy that screwed me.. even as I divorced him 7 years ago.. BUT THERE IS ALOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS. First, greencard fraud within alot of mena communities is accepted even TAUGHT. If you ask around at a masjid, you will meet multiple men married to lets just say alcoholic, drug addicted American women who cheated on them ( MY #### IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH. How can they admit that the primary way that alot of these guys who came on student visas 10 years ago or on work visas or tourist visas adjusted... without looking evil... was to marry a gullible American and screw her. Did all do this? No. Do alot of them do this? Yes. Do alot of these internet marriage deals end up tragic for the American or mixed mena marriages end up bad? How would we know? I will tell you this , anytime anyone married to mena men complain what happened, a hundred women presently married to them jump on them and instead of really listening, and waiting.. listen to people who have been embroiled in this 10 years etc. I literally got to the point that family members of the man I am with now literally told him, you do not need to stay married to her, you have your conditional greencard, you have proof you married in good faith, go live with our relatives in another metro city and divorce her and we will send. I understand darja to a great degree( the language of the Magreb) and told him listen, I love you. You need to do what you feel comfortable with. You no longer need me. If you love me stay, if you dont go. And the reality is Bumbelina, is that I have been around this community for 10 years and I only know like 6 women still married to the men they sponsored and HELL I am barely married and I know them. The problem is not just them, its how they are perceived by their buddies etc. I dont give a rats #### what anyone says. I tell you go ahead and marry from there but just realise what you are dealing with. I wish to hell you would tell your story on the Mena board because they need to hear it. I literally had to enlist the help of my redneck ex to scare the ####### out of the pali, law enforcement and 1000 in a restraining order to get rid of him because he told me that all americans are for sale and if I would just listen, I could get money for staying married to him and helping him adjust. I said OH HELL NO... and again I heard from him and everyone else WHY ARE YOU NOT NICE LIKE THE OTHER POLITE AMERICAN WOMEN? I told them all cause I am not. I know your games and frankly while I love these guys and people, they can be some downright evil MFS including the man I with now and frankly I would never wish this on another woman. Its culture, its their families and yes alot of them are in on it down to that sister and family who PRETEND to empathise with you. Americans will empathise with you. Alot of these families in the mid east and magreb wont. Yes there are wonderful people there.. yes I am friends with them.. yes my daughter is arab.. and they have actually told me... YOU ARE LIKE US. .. And thats a load of #######... I would never marry to stay anywhere or better my situation but I grew up with running water , a working toilet and chances for work if I went to school.

I know I will piss off a bunch of people but I dont give a ###### because I can give you running totals of women screwed to include

ALL WHO I KNOW PERSONALLY

a woman in NC who lost all her furniture and her apartment and her job due to a 15 year younger Moroccan

a woman where I live who married a Tunisian. He got both citizenship and cheated on her with a stripper/call girl and then her 15 year old son commited suicide because he blamed the son for why he left

a syrian who forced his wife into abortion, then foreclosure and at 51 is now married to a 23 year old

need I go on?

a Moroccan guy who beat his American wife and broke both arms. She lived about an hour north of me and lost her son after she had a break down

2 women in Orlando who now have foreclosures after the guys took out equity lines

One woman who has 2 children in Tunisia who went there on vacation and never came back

Tell your story. I doubt it would have stopped me cause I would not have listened. But tell it,,, maybe it will prevent someone in an already bad situation from taking out an equity line to save a failing marriage. You had several chances to stop, to not move, to not buy this car or that. Maybe if you had spyware ( spector pro) which screenshots everything you would have known sooner. I feel sorry for you but I want you to tell your story everywhere you can. Dont bash, just talk. This stuff happens all over the place and constantly. Unfortunately, you either get shouted down by people presently married to mena.. ( and i am with you... but there is nothing wrong in talking) For the life of me, if it wasnt for the agressive intervention of my family, I would have taken out debt for the pali. He ended up on one credit card and I took him off it a week later and the day I wanted to leave him, I searched his car and found my mortgage statement in his glove box on the way to a lawyer to ask for half of my equity and I promptly stole his phone and drove out of town answering every woman who called him..Now thats not very nice but he was not very nice and these guys are alot smarter than us and dont you forget it.. you nice polite american woman. They see it as a weakness... ( being nice) and you have to realise that the INS figured that out a long long long time ago

Cheers, hang in there and find some real good girl friends. THere are alot of nice mena men out there...most of us screwed by one go find another ( go figure) In fact most used for papers or screwed find another one as evidenced by mena remarriages. Thats because there ARE alot of nice guys in MENA.. But god help anyone if you get a bad one. You will be dealing with a scorpion that eats you from the mummy ride at universal. Get your flame thrower, your backpack and a map cause youre gonna need it

You are not alone

love you girl

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

First off,

Hello all VJers. This is my first post, and it's a horrible note upon which to start. I've come here, read faithfully, and taken advice on a great many topics during my own visa journey, but never registered or posted until now. This forum gave me comfort and patience through the long arduous wait for my sweet, handsome, kind amazing man to get into the country, so we could finally get married and begin our life together. I read a lot of trauma and drama, but never felt compelled to participate. I heard some horror stories, too. Well, now it's all too real and I need some advice.

We were so happy and so in love, or at least I thought so. I visited him four times and spent hours chatting with him and emailing him and waiting. He promised me everything, promised to never hurt me, to be faithful, to never leave me, to always take care of me. He was handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, really easy going, blended in perfectly, spoke perfect, English, not even an accent. Had a way of putting everyone, self included, very much at ease. Was almost off putting because it often felt like he was born here and not from another culture, let alone from half way around the world. I was as happy as could be, it all seemed a fairy tail. We laughed, frolicked, played, flirted, just had so much fun and such a great connection. I danced for him, he loved it. He said all he cared about was if I was happy, . If I was happy he was happy. Just unreal. Now, looking back, I feel like big, fat, idiot for believing something that seemed so real and wonderful could really be true.

The Visa Journey was the easy part. Once he got here, there was no work, and I was not really prepared to support him for an extended period of unemployment. California is expensive, esp, the SF Bay area. I wasn't working when I filed the petition but had a fairly large reserve of cash, so family member co sponsored because of the tax return thing. This was temporary, as I soon had enough income to meet the guidelines. However, we all know nothing is "temporary" once the immigrant touches down on US soil. We got on well, but there were issues, I always felt something was wrong. He was secretive. He hid things from me. He minimized chat windows when I walked in the room, he went outside to take calls. He said he's private and he doesn't really know me well enough yet, so I tried to let it slide. I felt unease though. Through all the love, it seemed he spent an inordinate amount of time online, on social networking sites and chatting. Too much chatter not enough work. Well things progressed and the fairy tail started to wear off. We got in a few fights, but always kissed and made up afterward. At some point though (after our adjustment of status was filed, mind you) he began to withdraw from the marriage. He became more secretive. He never introduced me to any of his friends, never helped foster a relationship between his family and myself. I don't speak arabic, his mother does not speak english. Yet, he always passed along their love and regards to me, as I passed mine along to his family.

Meanwhile, he wasn't working and I was struggling to get a better job. The debt kept racking up. He already owed me for all the filings, lawyer fees, and a large loan as well. He never had money for his half of the bills, and this caused stress. I began noticing things. Suspicious new email accounts on his iphone, the fact he never listed himself married on facebook. That he had pictures in his profile that he marked private so I couldn't view. His excuse: I don't use facebook much so I shouldn't be "spying" on him. I began to get more and more suspicious of him. Something just wasn't right. After we had our AOS interview and he was approved, he got money to relocate us to the bay area. This made me nervous because it would be a much longer commute for me, and my income alone would not be enough to cover the higher overhead. He insisted. So we moved in December. He had already checked out of the marriage by then, but I was the last one to get the memo. Once we arrived, his 2 year card showed up about weeks later. He got a low paying job, and gave me a total of $400 dollars toward the last 8 months of bills. We began having worse fights, and he withdrew his affection. His eyes no longer followed me across the room. He demanded a divorce in the middle of a fight in Jan, but changed his mind when I left for two days. In Feb on the 15th we had another fight. He told me I wasn't keeping the house clean enough, I wasn't taking care of myself, and that I turned him off (mind you I was working full time the entire time). I took offense and called him an explicit name, with the word pig thrown in. Bad move, he is muslim though he does not practice, other than we observe ramadan. He again said he would divorce me. So it went. I promised to never call him a name in anger again and kept that promise. He didn't believe I could keep my promise, so he found something else to blame me for. He told me everything is all my fault and I'm a nag and a bad wife. I was still paying for him.

He finally got a job that would allow him to pay his share and begin to pay me back. At this point he was in debt to me over $25,000 and I was in debt as a result of it. We sat down and calculated the bills (the first time he really saw how much went in and out, and even then, I didn't include everything, so his share was $1300 a month and pay me back $500 a month on the back debt. This amount barely covered food, and had nothing built in for gas, auto insurance, tolls, misc, emergency, co-payments, the like. His job would yield $2400 take home per month. He decided in his infinite wisdom that since we would be working 24 miles away and I used the car for my job as an outside sales person that he would purchase or lease a car. He decided on leasing a 50,000 BMW that we could not afford. The payment alone was over $500 a month, not including insurance, gas or anything else. This was after he was going to get 10,000 f

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

First off,

Hello all VJers. This is my first post, and it's a horrible note upon which to start. I've come here, read faithfully, and taken advice on a great many topics during my own visa journey, but never registered or posted until now. This forum gave me comfort and patience through the long arduous wait for my sweet, handsome, kind amazing man to get into the country, so we could finally get married and begin our life together. I read a lot of trauma and drama, but never felt compelled to participate. I heard some horror stories, too. Well, now it's all too real and I need some advice.

We were so happy and so in love, or at least I thought so. I visited him four times and spent hours chatting with him and emailing him and waiting. He promised me everything, promised to never hurt me, to be faithful, to never leave me, to always take care of me. He was handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, really easy going, blended in perfectly, spoke perfect, English, not even an accent. Had a way of putting everyone, self included, very much at ease. Was almost off putting because it often felt like he was born here and not from another culture, let alone from half way around the world. I was as happy as could be, it all seemed a fairy tail. We laughed, frolicked, played, flirted, just had so much fun and such a great connection. I danced for him, he loved it. He said all he cared about was if I was happy, . If I was happy he was happy. Just unreal. Now, looking back, I feel like big, fat, idiot for believing something that seemed so real and wonderful could really be true.

The Visa Journey was the easy part. Once he got here, there was no work, and I was not really prepared to support him for an extended period of unemployment. California is expensive, esp, the SF Bay area. I wasn't working when I filed the petition but had a fairly large reserve of cash, so family member co sponsored because of the tax return thing. This was temporary, as I soon had enough income to meet the guidelines. However, we all know nothing is "temporary" once the immigrant touches down on US soil. We got on well, but there were issues, I always felt something was wrong. He was secretive. He hid things from me. He minimized chat windows when I walked in the room, he went outside to take calls. He said he's private and he doesn't really know me well enough yet, so I tried to let it slide. I felt unease though. Through all the love, it seemed he spent an inordinate amount of time online, on social networking sites and chatting. Too much chatter not enough work. Well things progressed and the fairy tail started to wear off. We got in a few fights, but always kissed and made up afterward. At some point though (after our adjustment of status was filed, mind you) he began to withdraw from the marriage. He became more secretive. He never introduced me to any of his friends, never helped foster a relationship between his family and myself. I don't speak arabic, his mother does not speak english. Yet, he always passed along their love and regards to me, as I passed mine along to his family.

Meanwhile, he wasn't working and I was struggling to get a better job. The debt kept racking up. He already owed me for all the filings, lawyer fees, and a large loan as well. He never had money for his half of the bills, and this caused stress. I began noticing things. Suspicious new email accounts on his iphone, the fact he never listed himself married on facebook. That he had pictures in his profile that he marked private so I couldn't view. His excuse: I don't use facebook much so I shouldn't be "spying" on him. I began to get more and more suspicious of him. Something just wasn't right. After we had our AOS interview and he was approved, he got money to relocate us to the bay area. This made me nervous because it would be a much longer commute for me, and my income alone would not be enough to cover the higher overhead. He insisted. So we moved in December. He had already checked out of the marriage by then, but I was the last one to get the memo. Once we arrived, his 2 year card showed up about weeks later. He got a low paying job, and gave me a total of $400 dollars toward the last 8 months of bills. We began having worse fights, and he withdrew his affection. His eyes no longer followed me across the room. He demanded a divorce in the middle of a fight in Jan, but changed his mind when I left for two days. In Feb on the 15th we had another fight. He told me I wasn't keeping the house clean enough, I wasn't taking care of myself, and that I turned him off (mind you I was working full time the entire time). I took offense and called him an explicit name, with the word pig thrown in. Bad move, he is muslim though he does not practice, other than we observe ramadan. He again said he would divorce me. So it went. I promised to never call him a name in anger again and kept that promise. He didn't believe I could keep my promise, so he found something else to blame me for. He told me everything is all my fault and I'm a nag and a bad wife. I was still paying for him.

He finally got a job that would allow him to pay his share and begin to pay me back. At this point he was in debt to me over $25,000 and I was in debt as a result of it. We sat down and calculated the bills (the first time he really saw how much went in and out, and even then, I didn't include everything, so his share was $1300 a month and pay me back $500 a month on the back debt. This amount barely covered food, and had nothing built in for gas, auto insurance, tolls, misc, emergency, co-payments, the like. His job would yield $2400 take home per month. He decided in his infinite wisdom that since we would be working 24 miles away and I used the car for my job as an outside sales person that he would purchase or lease a car. He decided on leasing a 50,000 BMW that we could not afford. The payment alone was over $500 a month, not including insurance, gas or anything else. This was after he was going to get 10,000 from his family. He would not listen to me when I explained this was a very risky decision in this economy. Would not listen when I suggested something less expensive, but still nice. Told me it's none of my business. I could not let it go. As a result he said he would give me the 10,000 but he would take a job anywhere in the world and I was to follow him or not. Things escalated from there and he told me he's moving out at the end of March. We have a year lease which I cannot afford on my own. I dipped deep into my credit to make sure the roof was over our head, but he would not listen when I told him how hard it was. Would not discuss, just said he was going. Unlike before, I didn't beg him to stay. I said fine, you go. My family is coming to collect me, help me move all the big furniture and things I bought to furnish our home. He is moving out to go rent a room and in all likelihood not pay me anything he owes me. He can't handle being married or my debt. This is what he told me. The romance is gone. Has been since before we moved in December. The look in his eyes, gone. The desire to make me happy, gone. I tried REALLY hard to make sure we were taken care of and looked the other way anytime he fed me a line about what he was up to, why he was flirting with other people, why he didn't try to make me happy anymore.

It's a done deal. I have to sublet this apartment or I'm on the hook for an additional 20K. I can't stay, with my debt and the rent, I can't cover the overhead. My family who co sponsored him, loved and trusted him because he loved and cherished me is coming to collect me, 43 years old and pathetic.

Well it didn't end there. Last night I googled one of his user names or passwords he likes to use. The google search returned 7 hits on that name, all of which were posts at an exclusive adult entertainment site, specializing in massage parlours, escorts, call girls and the like. There is a feature where users can ask about one of these no doubt high caliber ladies and the services they provide. There is also a feature where a patron of said EXPENSIVE ladies can rate the lady on looks and "as a provider" it's a scale of 1-10. Lo, and behold, there was my sweeties screen name rating his experience with three of these ladies and inquiring about a few more. I didn't want to jump the gun, accuse him unfairly, so I dug around. I couldn't find any info on the user, however the particular ladies listed all had their contact information under the listings. I pulled our cell phone bills. Lo and behold the numbers for the three "escorts (I so want to call them what they really are)" were all on our phone bill. He had been he had seen he had his conquest.

I woke him and asked him to explain. He packed his bags and walked out. Said he will never return. The floodgates opened. He began seeing these women before we moved to the SF bay area. How many others there were I don't know. This is all I had numbers for. I don't want to know. I caught him lying in October about "flirting" which was basically contacting prostitutes and trying to get pictures, or so he said. He begged me to forgive him. Said it was an addiction, he would never do it again. Yet I found empty condom packs tucked into his brand new luggage. Luggage he didn't own before he became engaged and then married to me. He said they were probably his brothers. He obviously lied. I never could trust him completely, because I always felt something was wrong, and something always was. He has lied to his family saying he is paying rent and he has, to date, not done so. Yet any time they send him money to "ship" something, he has a hard time shipping it because he manages to spend the money. I wonder on what? It sure isn't on paying any bills in our household. He is clearly too immature to be married, or the logical, in your face, obvious answer: He USED ME FOR A CARD. I never wanted to say that, but a man who would go to a prostitute and completely disrespect his wedding vows, would have no qualms about having sex with a woman for a card. He said if that were true he would have left the minute he got it. Well, he didn't have a good job the minute he got it. He seems to have left pretty immediately after he got a good job though. It hasn't been two weeks since he got a better job. Not a great job, but a job I am sure will make him far more comfortable if he is renting a room and not paying back debt he wracked up. He is still going to buy the BMW as well, he lied about not getting it and using the down payment money to pay me back. He is flat out going to stick me.

So now the advice part. I'm going to divorce him as he asked for a divorce, but won't actually initiate the paperwork on his own. He walked out without leaving a forwarding address. He has a conditional green card for two years, it was issued Dec 23 and in hand in January. His first verified documented visit to a prostitute was December 2, 2008. He didn't throw around the D-word till the card was in hand. Me and a family member sponsored him to come into the country. He is here for two years at the very least, as we are not going to go to immigration and cry "he used me for a green card" unless of course there is some grounds for this. That he was using me all along is obvious. A man committed to his new marriage does not visit prostitutes when his wife willingly and lovingly satisfies him any time he desires. But a man who shuns his wife and spends money he doesn't have on prostitutes is pretty much liar and a con, not to mention someone with a problem.

The marriage is irretrievably broken at this point. I tired to talk with him, work it out, seek counseling, numerous times but he refused. It seems he went from prince charming to a monster overnight, but it was gradual. Yet he was lying the entire time.

What steps can my sister (the co sponsor) and I take to protect ourselves? Can he file to remove conditions on his own when the card expires and are we still responsible for him? What steps can we take(if any) to get taken off as sponsors if he files to remove conditions on his own? Can or should we report fraud or will it just look like a case of bitter betty to the immigration department? Are we just on the hook and naive idiots who got hoodwinked? Do we notify immigration that he is acting strangely and that he moved out of his residence in the middle of the night?

If you would like to make fun of me, tell me I told you so, it's cool. I believed him. Some things didn't feel right, which caused friction, but the bottom line here is, I am left wondering if what we had was real or not. He is VERY good. Charming. Sweet, so like able. Everyone likes him. But there was something foul in dodge from day one. Not including the dating sites he still logged into AFTER we were engaged, but he was waiting. Yes, I did snoop. There wasn't much to find, but I did find it.

What a welcome to the forum, eh?

It wasnt real and it wasnt your fault. Where you screwed up is moving, taking out debt.......even after you caught him.Introducing to friends and family is why the US EMBASSY does home visits. Welcome to exactly why there are 1 year waits in AP in Egypt. Thank the #### you married. I am really really sorry but I am actually glad he did not do MORE to you.. because at least you did not have a house together that he took or a kid he took.. or other things.. I am so so sorry.... and yes this really did happen to you and yes there are others who have hit the same wall. And no it isnt everyone but there are enough horror stories to warrant what USCIS and the embassies do to check these guys out. Unfortunately if he is sociopath, its hard to catch him.. His family and others had to be really in on this for him to succeed with a home visit. I think this fraud against you was a hell of alot bigger than you knew... I bet you he was SMOOTH....I just hope you do not get soured on love from this ####. Dont let that happen. Remember the scorpion story and bring your blow torch.. kill the bugs and look for the treasure in life.. I feel you.. But dont mix money or stuff like that next time if you do this again....You saw signs and you ignored them out of love for this cockroach....you are not the first... I put my husbands name on a 10000 account to build his credit.....I just got lucky that his friend called me and snitched him out...if you would have known his friends, one could have told you

[SaadBell 0]

Oh sweetie,

I am so sorry, he was a real tool. I would just scare the ####### out of him, if you ever get to see him. He would go home so fast, just an hour of friendly talk. Maybe share a little story about Katherine Mary Knight, describe how she handle rejection.

Something on the lines of telling him a little history of this interesting women;

Katherine's proudest possession was her set of razor sharp boning knives which she kept in pride of place above her bed so she could have one last look at them at night before nodding off to sleep, no doubt to dream about killing animals and carving up their remains.

This is a good part, always leave the man on edge.

It wasn't long before the fights got violent, with Kath, who was taller than Dave, attacking him with her fists and boots. In May 1987 she let him know what would happen to him if he ever played up with another woman by slitting his two-month-old pup's throat from ear to ear with a boning knife before taking to him with a frying pan and bashing him into unconsciousness.

This is the end with a nice bang, always lower voice when you tell this piece of information.

I entered the premises to conduct a cursory examination with Detective Sgt Raymond. I walked in through the rear door and into the kitchen. Once inside the kitchen I saw a large section of what appeared to be human skin hanging from the top architrave of the doorway leading into the lounge room. This piece of skin extended from the top of the doorway right to the floor and appeared to be an entire human skin.

Looking through this doorway into the lounge room I could see a headless and skinless human body. I walked east along the hallway and looked into the entry foyer and saw an extreme amount of blood pooled on the floor. There was also a large amount of blood smearing over the eastern wall of the entry.

I walked further east along the hallway and noticed some blood staining leading from the main bedroom. In this bedroom I noticed more blood staining however only moderate amounts. I then left the scene and had a discussion with Sergeant Raymond and other investigating police outside the scene. I then re-entered the premises and made a more detailed examination.

The rear door of the premises opens into the laundry, off the western side of this is the kitchen dining room. The laundry contained a stainless steel tub in the north east corner and a washing machine further south along the eastern wall. There was a built-in cupboard in two separate wooden louvered doors in the southern wall of the laundry.

On the western wall of the laundry was a cavity sliding door that gave access to the dining room and kitchen. The room was divided into two sections with the kitchen being the western end and the dining room being the eastern end.

The dining room contained a wood and steel dining room table which had three matching seats placed around it. There were items of clothing draped over the backs of each of the three chairs. On the dining room table was a tool bag, some clothing, a small blue folder, an electronic toy gorilla and some prescription medicine boxes.

Than open the floor to discuss what would make a women resort to that kind of violence.

Sorry about this, but just thinking of what this man did to you makes my blood run cold, and even though I would never kill or hurt anyone, I sure can think of what I would do it I didn't have a conscience. Don't fret, he will one day run into a women who is not as sweet and kind hearted as you. Karma is a ######.

[kcoyclay1 98]

Bumbellina my dear, as I sit reading your post and the responses that you make I cant help feeling that you are still in love with this man. You call him your dear sweet husband and said he is VERY good. Honey, before I finished reading all I could hear in my head was "playa" and I heard it when you mentioned how he promised not to hurt you, to be there for you blah blah blah. It was as if he was trying hard to convince you that you have nothing to worry about. You wouldn't have seen it coming anyway but while you were engaged and saw the dating sites etc that should have caused a bright light to go off in your head but then again as they say 'love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener"

My dear you were taken for a ride and all he wanted was his foot in the door so to speak. A conditional green card is given because USCIS needs proof that the marriage was indeed in good faith by BOTH parties. It is not a permanent resident card but a conditional one with the condition being "prove that this marriage is real and not a hoax." I strongly believe that he can be reported to USCIS. He was not abused in the relationship but walked out when he realize that you knew the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth regarding his intent to mislead you into thinking he was the real deal. It is a very sad situation but you need to take action. The removal of the condition from his GC is granted when immigration is satisfied that the marriage was entered into on a good faith basis by both parties and yours had proof. You should make copies of what you found as proof, both on the computer and on the telephone bill.

You really gave your all to this free-loader to be in such great debt. He is what we call a "sporter" in Jamaica - someone who just wants to show-off and act as if he has it made and he is living large when he doesn't have dry ####### in his rear, excuse my language. One thing you have to do is stop seeing him as the person he wanted you to believe he is and see him for who he really is... a conniving rat who preys on naive women. Like me, you are 43 but there are things that you have to learn about the snakes out there. If it doesn't feel real and you hear the warning bells going off inside your head, LISTEN to them, they are sending you an urgent message. Love cant love you back. I guess he got you at a time when you were vulnerable and he played you, making sure that he acted the loving, sweet, devoted, husband as long as it took for him to suck you dry and get the green card. Girl you need to watch out for needy men. Men by nature show their love by providing and when you get one that wants and wants and wants without a care in the world that you are drowning in debt then that's a sign that he doesn't care about you, just about what he can get from you. Men have great big ego and they really do not want to feel "kept" as it takes away their feeling of being the head of the household, regardless of them having a job or not. They will go out there and try their best to take something home to prove that they are "the man."

YouAndDan gave you great advice so don't sit down feeling sorry for him, he doesn't deserve to be here. With all that he is doing you might just see him getting caught on MSN Dateline at someone's home with his draws (underwear) in a corner, waiting on his prey.

All the best.

Edited April 16, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[thetreble 19]

I began noticing things. Suspicious new email accounts on his iphone,

So you guys are in debt and don't have any money, but he has an iphone?

Sounds like how we got in the economic crisis to begin with.

Hope everything works out for you. I wish more people would be cautious of immigration and what it can entail. I wish more people would know their spouses in better detail than just meeting them once and then marrying on a second visit. There is so much you don't know about a person if you have limited viewing of how they live their life in their own country.

Any one who immigrates and puts all the responsibilities of life on the US spouse has no intention of actually being involved in a successful marriage.