Seperated from pending wife

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

I would like to think showing her this would help. I'd like to think a lot of things would help, but it wouldnt.

I know the friend she is staying with is coaching her too, because I could her voice in the background when my wife called me and said she wanted to meet at our place again and talk with my mom on more time. Her friend was telling her what to say, like "...you already talked with him, now you want to talk with his MOM". I heard her, and was pretty pissed. They must be telling her so many things. My wife says she isnt listening to anyone and the decisions is hers, but I know better. If people tell you enough of the same thing, you start to believe it. It's pressure, and its steering her in the wrong direction.

These illegals think they are helping her. But she had a husband who loved and supported her and a family here that cared for her dearly and did so much to make sure she felt accepted. And now she has no co-sponsor, no job, no money, and is on the brink of divorce and deportation. I would actually prefer an annulment to this marriage because she deserted me and I dont know where she is, but I am unsure if I can get one.

I agree that it is any citizen's responsibility to report that a crime is being committed, not because of spite. It seems from a distance that your wife is enjoying life the way it was when she had her work visa -- with those of her own culture who are still growing up, free to do what comes into their minds....even go to the Orthodox Church without getting permission. Change your locks, do what's needed to establish your legal separation leading to divorce, and be thankful that it was fun while it lasted. But for God's sake, quit using the term "illegals" and judging them as lesser human beings.

So not use the term illegals? But are they not here illegally? So yes they are illegals and yes they do have doctored paperwork. I hope they remember this when they sit in an INS detention center..."was it worth it to come to the USA under false pretense and break the law'?

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Why_me,

why are you so rabid?

yes life *should* be according to the rules, and people *should* say and do things as you deem appropriate, but... it's life. It *should* not be cold and bitter and untrusting.

change the locks... close accounts... get them all arrested and deported...

this is not good advice. This is a way to disaster and much personal unhappiness ever after.

Dude, chill some!

Life is not always as it should be. Let this be a lesson to everyone who comes to the USA to sh*t on our laws. As far as "cold, bitter, and untrusting"...have you spent much time in Russia?

[Prawninator 138]

I told her to come home and I would leave for a few weeks and stay somewhere else and take a break. She wouldnt do it. She said that wouldnt help because she would still feel alone. She has these people around her so she doesnt feel lonely. She has known 2 of them since the summer, her friend she stays with and that girls boyfriend, the rest of the illegals she just met. I hear there is probably 5 or 6 more illegal russians over there, boys and girls.

She says I made her feel alone and I was cold to her. I made a list of 10 things that were important to her that I needed to change, and she disregarded it, she didnt even read it. She says she has no feelings for me anymore right now, and there is no going back. She did say she would take my letter and list of 10 things with her to read, but I told her "why bother if you're telling me right here and now there is no going back", so she never took them. She has just seemingly changed almost overnight. She had been visiting her friend around the corner more frequently last week, so I was suspicious of something. This girl around the corner definitely helped my wife decide to move out.

I mentioned counseling, and she looked at my mother and I like we were crazy. My (ex)wife has this idea that if you need mediation or need someone to talk to you, that you must be mentally deranged and crazy. It was like totally insulting to her the mere mention of counseling.

I dont think my wife used me. Her love was genuine and she was sincere. She showed me more love than anyone had in my entire life. I just started to take her for granted and didnt give her the time she wanted.

As far as it not being my business, I would like to agree. But it is my business, because we are still legally married and myself and the co-sponsor are held liable for her and put up this financial responibility. ON top of that, she has all the paperwork, with our personal information on it. Our sponsor is not thrilled about all his personal info being read by illegal russian immigrants.

Please, how are these people contributing to the wealth of this country by doctoring their paperwork on their laptops and duping local businesses into thinking their papers are legit? They are breaking federal laws, nuff said. If they were smart, they wouldn't have raised any flags and brought this unneeded attention to themselves by involving themselves in our marriage.

So coming here and saying, "I love my wife but there is no changing her mind" is really just a different way of saying, "I love my wife but why bother when she's not gonna change her mind", eh? The two words you used, "WHY BOTHER" actually bothered me a lot, since you seem so "desperate" for her to come back and in so doing, be away from the people she is currently staying with. WHY BOTHER? Because didn't you mention she was your W I F E ? Ten things you needed to change. How in the world are you going to change ANYTHING if you first of all won't change yourself?

You say she's extremely stubborn, but it would seem that you are also one tough nut to crack. The ball was in your court, dude. YOU had control over that situation. Why didn't you let her read what you had written? Something that could potentially change her mind about the marriage that you so "desperately" want to keep alive? Change the mind of the wife you so "desperately" want to keep by your side?

You might have said that out of defensive reflex, but IF I were in this situation and my husband said that to me, no matter who I would be staying with at the time, legal or not-so-legal, giving me subtle "hints" or not, he would be coming across as wanting to end the marriage just as much as I thought I would. In other words, I wouldn't change my mind, because he's not helping me change it, but instead reaffirming my reasons for leaving him. I must've left him in the first place for a reason, right? That reason might have been him, not what anyone has told me.

I won't say anything about the people she is living with right now, but if you so choose to report them, by all means. You do however seem to be quick to point the finger at them, and partially blame them for the failing of your marriage, when really, all they might be doing is helping her. After all, they are giving her a place to stay when they could have just as easily thrown her out onto the street. If you do choose to report them NOW though, just keep in mind your wife's current state of mind, and how much you would hurt her if you did so.

[Minya's wife 24]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

I think the choice you're supposed to make was in regards to trying to reconcile with your wife, or divorcing her....not going the vindictive ba$tard route and reporting people who may or may not be illegal. You have no tangible proof (at least none from what you say) that the afore mentioned Russians do not have visas, or some other legal status here, why are you concentrating on how to report them, instead of figuring out a plan of action to deal with your waywayrd wife?

I told her to come home and I would leave for a few weeks and stay somewhere else and take a break. She wouldnt do it. She said that wouldnt help because she would still feel alone. She has these people around her so she doesnt feel lonely. She has known 2 of them since the summer, her friend she stays with and that girls boyfriend, the rest of the illegals she just met. I hear there is probably 5 or 6 more illegal russians over there, boys and girls.

She says I made her feel alone and I was cold to her. I made a list of 10 things that were important to her that I needed to change, and she disregarded it, she didnt even read it. She says she has no feelings for me anymore right now, and there is no going back. She did say she would take my letter and list of 10 things with her to read, but I told her "why bother if you're telling me right here and now there is no going back", so she never took them. She has just seemingly changed almost overnight. She had been visiting her friend around the corner more frequently last week, so I was suspicious of something. This girl around the corner definitely helped my wife decide to move out.

I mentioned counseling, and she looked at my mother and I like we were crazy. My (ex)wife has this idea that if you need mediation or need someone to talk to you, that you must be mentally deranged and crazy. It was like totally insulting to her the mere mention of counseling.

I dont think my wife used me. Her love was genuine and she was sincere. She showed me more love than anyone had in my entire life. I just started to take her for granted and didnt give her the time she wanted.

As far as it not being my business, I would like to agree. But it is my business, because we are still legally married and myself and the co-sponsor are held liable for her and put up this financial responibility. ON top of that, she has all the paperwork, with our personal information on it. Our sponsor is not thrilled about all his personal info being read by illegal russian immigrants.

Please, how are these people contributing to the wealth of this country by doctoring their paperwork on their laptops and duping local businesses into thinking their papers are legit? They are breaking federal laws, nuff said. If they were smart, they wouldn't have raised any flags and brought this unneeded attention to themselves by involving themselves in our marriage.

Nothing in what you've said so far gives me any hope that there is a chance for reconciliation....it seems that your wife has left you and is not willing to return. Once you really understand that, you can chart a course of action to extricate yourself from this marriage, and to alleviate the potential screw up that you've allowed by having your wife walk-out the house with you and yourr brother-in-law's financial papers.

It is most important that you make up your mind and do something...because you keep talking, and are liable to talk your way right out of divorcing your wife and into going after some people who you belive are 'taking the wealth of this country by docotoring papers on their laptops'.

You need to initiate divorce proceedings against your wife. You need to call USCIS and revoke your and your brother-in-law's I-864 from your wife's AOS paperwork. AND you need to see how you can get back those financial papers she has.

Everyone here keeps trying to give you advice, and you keep coming back with excuses for why your wife is not to be blamed....she's been influenced by the big bad illegal russians...if only she would come back to you.

If she is not willing to come back....she's not willing to, nothing you do will change that. It is time for you to man-up and do what you gotta do, only please stop whining and do something.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Minya's wife

[Merrillizer 0]

I called USCIS, and they wont revoke the 864's over the phone. The request to withdraw them has to be sent to where my wifes paperwork is currently being processed, in Lees Summit, MO.

I currently have a lawyer looking into annulment, and another lawyer looking into divorce. My wife would not sign the joint divorce petition today. She ripped it up, after she stormed through the front door and grabbed a large steak knife from the kitchen counter and began stabbing and slashing a large teddy bear I bought her for Valentines Day. And I'm the vindictive #######? I'm not going places and waving large knives around. Spare me. I am not bringing hints, flashes & glimpses of domestic violence to the table.

And I told my wife "why bother" only after her repeated statements of "there's no way back". If a girl tells you that 10-20 times, "why bother" becomes valid. Don't you understand yet? SHE WASN'T COMING BACK.

I'm a ####### for doing my country a service and duty to protect itself from people who leach off our system? PLEASE, spare me the bleeding heart pity. These people should be REMOVED, promptly and SWIFTLY.

My wife defaulted on EVERYTHING the moment her suitcases landed in that illegal russian's car. That's truth and reality. I never involved outside parties in our marriage, SHE DID.

SHE made the conscious, adult decision to walk out. I am at peace now, completely. I am over her already, I gave her a week to come home. I no longer feel bad for her. I care for her and hope she is safe, but I feel no pity. It was her decision. SHE threw everything in the trash. SHE threw it all away.

I want to help, but my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do now that our sponsor withdrew.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Merrillizer

[Minya's wife 24]

I called USCIS, and they wont revoke the 864's over the phone. The request to withdraw them has to be sent to where my wifes paperwork is currently being processed, in Lees Summit, MO.

Then follow-up and send off the letter to withdraw the I-864 and be done with it. You and your BIL's sponsorship is not officially withdrawn until that is done.

I currently have a lawyer looking into annulment, and another lawyer looking into divorce. My wife would not sign the joint divorce petition today. She ripped it up, after she stormed through the front door and grabbed a large steak knife from the kitchen counter and began stabbing and slashing a large teddy bear I bought her for Valentines Day. And I'm the vindictive #######? I'm not going places and waving large knives around. Spare me. I am not bringing hints, flashes & glimpses of domestic violence to the table.

Not sure what the laws governing divorce is in your state....but seeing as how you co-habited for a while....and had marital relations, I'm not sure how annulment applies. But looks like you've got your bases covered by looking into both the divorce and annulment avenue.

And I told my wife "why bother" only after her repeated statements of "there's no way back". If a girl tells you that 10-20 times, "why bother" becomes valid. Don't you understand yet? SHE WASN'T COMING BACK.

I'm a ####### for doing my country a service and duty to protect itself from people who leach off our system? PLEASE, spare me the bleeding heart pity. These people should be REMOVED, promptly and SWIFTLY.

Its not bleeding heart pity....I stand by what I said. Trying to report the russians to every authority you can think of is vindictive behavior. Think about the fact that you never would have found out about them had it not been for your wife leaving you. I'm sorry, but this is not about you doing your civic duty...its about you being pissed that your wife is listening to others and not you....the fact that you think some of these people may be residing here 'illegally' is just a bonus you've seemed to latch on to as a cause. Heck...the fact that these people helping her may not have valid visas or residency didn't even come up until your 4th post on this subject..

My wife defaulted on EVERYTHING the moment her suitcases landed in that illegal russian's car. That's truth and reality. I never involved outside parties in our marriage, SHE DID.

I thought you said that she left down the street to a female friend's house, and it is her boyfriend that may be illegal....which I will add again you have no tangible proof of.

SHE made the conscious, adult decision to walk out. I am at peace now, completely. I am over her already, I gave her a week to come home. I no longer feel bad for her. I care for her and hope she is safe, but I feel no pity. It was her decision. SHE threw everything in the trash. SHE threw it all away.

Yes...she walked out, she made the move. It is not up to you to sever the ties completely and to move on.

I want to help, but my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do now that our sponsor withdrew.

The sponsor only withdrew verbally....as far as USCIS is concerned there is no withdrawal until that letter is sent off, accepted and recorded with USCIS.

[Fizz 1]

But for God's sake, quit using the term "illegals" and judging them as lesser human beings.

if they are breaking the law then they are criminals. you can make your own judgement if criminals are lesser human beings or not.

i wonder if some of these people have taken into account how americans are treated when they are in other countries illegally. watch how fast the american gets locked up.

[Old Dominion 26]

For one thing, they are first and foremost human beings. They are not "things." Until found guilty of some crime, they are regarded as innocent in this nation.

Using the term "illegals" deprives them of the dignity they deserve as our brothers and sisters, even if they have broken the laws.

[Minya's wife 24]

But for God's sake, quit using the term "illegals" and judging them as lesser human beings.

if they are breaking the law then they are criminals. you can make your own judgement if criminals are lesser human beings or not.

i wonder if some of these people have taken into account how americans are treated when they are in other countries illegally. watch how fast the american gets locked up.

IF being the operative word....the OP has brought no tangible evidence to support the claim that the people in question are "illegal". Therefore, everything stemming from that lack of knowledge is conjecture....and not the subject of the original post, not our problem.

[Merrillizer 0]

Its not bleeding heart pity....I stand by what I said. Trying to report the russians to every authority you can think of is vindictive behavior. Think about the fact that you never would have found out about them had it not been for your wife leaving you. I'm sorry, but this is not about you doing your civic duty...its about you being pissed that your wife is listening to others and not you....the fact that you think some of these people may be residing here 'illegally' is just a bonus you've seemed to latch on to as a cause. Heck...the fact that these people helping her may not have valid visas or residency didn't even come up until your 4th post on this subject..

Actually, the fact that these are illegal came up months ago lol, when my wifes friend used to come over to our house and visit, and she told us how her ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT boyfriend overstayed his visa and doctored his papers to receive a drivers license in a neighboring state, register a car in that same state, but still live in NH. He also received gainful employment in my town by doctoring his papers. By her own admission, they are guilty. That being said, she also tried to convince my wife to do these things. I told her no, sorry, we are doing things the LEGAL way, I support my wife so she doesnt have to resort to ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. Call it what you want, pour the Liberal sprinkles on it, whatever, IT'S ILLEGAL. No gray area.

I thought you said that she left down the street to a female friend's house, and it is her boyfriend that may be illegal....which I will add again you have no tangible proof of.

She did, but her friends ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT boyfriend and his ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT friend helped remove her suitcases, and take them to the ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT house because she couldnt fit everything in her friends studio apartment.

Moral of the story, you shouldnt seek out the comfort of illegal aliens before first consulting and communicating with your own spouse about marital problems or issues lol. What did my wife think? She was just gonna desert me, and everything was gonna be a bed of roses? LMFAO. That's delusional. Delusions of Grandeur. I mean really, I'd love to know her thought process, what did she think was gonna happen? When you're an immigrant and marry an American here in the US, and you decide to not honor your marriage and you walk out, what happens? I would gather that it's rarely a happy ending. Let's get real. I just can't imagine what was going through her mind as she was packing her stuff, and then actually driving off and leaving. It's really something else. I don't know what to say. She must have had some plan in her head. I don't know, but I would like to know.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Merrillizer

[Minya's wife 24]

Its not bleeding heart pity....I stand by what I said. Trying to report the russians to every authority you can think of is vindictive behavior. Think about the fact that you never would have found out about them had it not been for your wife leaving you. I'm sorry, but this is not about you doing your civic duty...its about you being pissed that your wife is listening to others and not you....the fact that you think some of these people may be residing here 'illegally' is just a bonus you've seemed to latch on to as a cause. Heck...the fact that these people helping her may not have valid visas or residency didn't even come up until your 4th post on this subject..

Actually, the fact that these are illegal came up months ago lol, when my wifes friend used to come over to our house and visit, and she told us how her ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT boyfriend overstayed his visa and doctored his papers to receive a drivers license in a neighboring state, register a car in that same state, but still live in NH. He also received gainful employment in my town by doctoring his papers. By her own admission, they are guilty. That being said, she also tried to convince my wife to do these things. I told her no, sorry, we are doing things the LEGAL way, I support my wife so she doesnt have to resort to ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. Call it what you want, pour the Liberal sprinkles on it, whatever, IT'S ILLEGAL. No gray area.

And it is all hearsay....someone told you about this. You, personally, do not have any proof of any illegal activity. But, by all means do call your 'proper authorities' and report what you think is a crime. Be sure to tell them how you came by the information you're reporting.

Moral of the story, you shouldnt seek out the comfort of illegal aliens before first consulting and communicating with your own spouse about marital problems or issues lol. What did my wife think? She was just gonna desert me, and everything was gonna be a bed of roses? LMFAO. That's delusional. Delusions of Grandeur. I mean really, I'd love to know her thought process, what did she think was gonna happen? When you're an immigrant and marry an American here in the US, and you decide to not honor your marriage and you walk out, what happens? I would gather that it's rarely a happy ending. Let's get real. I just can't imagine what was going through her mind as she was packing her stuff, and then actually driving off and leaving. It's really something else. I don't know what to say. She must have had some plan in her head. I don't know, but I would like to know.

Moral of the story is that pain over a wife's abandonment should be recognized as a normal part of the process and going after those that you believe influenced your wife into abandoning you will not lessen you pain any.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Moral of the story, you shouldnt seek out the comfort of illegal aliens before first consulting and communicating with your own spouse about marital problems or issues lol. What did my wife think? She was just gonna desert me, and everything was gonna be a bed of roses? LMFAO. That's delusional. Delusions of Grandeur. I mean really, I'd love to know her thought process, what did she think was gonna happen? When you're an immigrant and marry an American here in the US, and you decide to not honor your marriage and you walk out, what happens? I would gather that it's rarely a happy ending. Let's get real. I just can't imagine what was going through her mind as she was packing her stuff, and then actually driving off and leaving. It's really something else. I don't know what to say. She must have had some plan in her head. I don't know, but I would like to know.

I'm confused. I thought in your first post you were taking some of the responsibility for her departure? So why the aboutface?

But we have had problems and personality conflicts, and we would bicker and fight about trivial things. I guess it got too tough for Silvia, my wife, because she packed up all her stuff and left me last Thursday. The fact that I was "cold" to her, didnt take her out enough and me taking her granted are probably the main reasons for this seperation. My wife was under a lot stress, being away from her own family and friends in Moldova, not being able to work legally here right now cuz we are waiting for her EAD, and being stuck in the house a lot during a New Hampshire winter can really drag somebody down etc.

[Merrillizer 0]

I did take responsibility, still do. And I will never be able forgive myself for not being the husband I should have. Yes, I shouldve worked less and given her more time. But what does she expect when I am sole earner because she cant work? Her expectations are unnattainable in todays world and economy. But I can no longer hold on to this, I have to let it all go. She left, not me. She should've thought about the dire consequences of defaulting before she made such an extreme decision to completely move out. Time apart was an option, she decided not to accept that. What can I do now? It's over. She will have to return home.

It's a sad situation, but I tried, I tried for a week to do all the right things, makes changes, fix things, but its just gotten so far beyond that point. There is no return, and I am so sad it had to be this way. But the fact still remains, she should've thought longer about this, before just simply packing and moving out. She went to the extreme of all extreme, and I'm sorry to say, she just wasn't making the right decision and now she has to face the fiddler. I wanted NOTHING more in the world than to resolve our issues and make things work. There was absolutely no give to her, no leeway. My hands are tied......

Edited March 13, 2009 by Merrillizer

[carpe diem 2]

Merrillizer--

I take the law very seriously and I am still going to urge you to think hard before reporting illegal aliens. I bet that after any initial satisfaction, you'll soon realize you have made things much worse not just for them but also for your wife and yourself. Any action you take against them will further reduce any chances of you and your wife reconciling. And you may say that you won't reconcile anyway, but in that case, you still don't achieve anything (other than maybe some schadenfreude) by trying to make other people's life more miserable.

You may blame these people for some of the actions of your wife but your wife is an adult and chooses to be influenced by them. It's easier to blame others for interfering with your marriage, but my position is that the only thing that really matters is that the person you married, for whatever reason, doesn't seem to feel the marriage is worth fighting for. That's a hard pill to swallow, and I wish you the strength you need to get yourself back together.

Trying to get the immigration police to chase someone is not a minor thing. Regardless of what you think about illegal immigrants, as someone else said, they are first and foremost people trying to make a living in difficult circumstances. You say you understand why your wife doesn't want to go back to her country and that you want to do anything to help her stay, yet you're going to try to get others deported?

Please, don't do anything rash. You'll have to live with yourself the rest of your life, and after all this has passed, you may find that trying to hurt people who are in a vulnerable position is not something to be proud of.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Merrillizer--

I take the law very seriously and I am still going to urge you to think hard before reporting illegal aliens. I bet that after any initial satisfaction, you'll soon realize you have made things much worse not just for them but also for your wife and yourself. Any action you take against them will further reduce any chances of you and your wife reconciling. And you may say that you won't reconcile anyway, but in that case, you still don't achieve anything (other than maybe some schadenfreude) by trying to make other people's life more miserable.

You may blame these people for some of the actions of your wife but your wife is an adult and chooses to be influenced by them. It's easier to blame others for interfering with your marriage, but my position is that the only thing that really matters is that the person you married, for whatever reason, doesn't seem to feel the marriage is worth fighting for. That's a hard pill to swallow, and I wish you the strength you need to get yourself back together.

Trying to get the immigration police to chase someone is not a minor thing. Regardless of what you think about illegal immigrants, as someone else said, they are first and foremost people trying to make a living in difficult circumstances. You say you understand why your wife doesn't want to go back to her country and that you want to do anything to help her stay, yet you're going to try to get others deported?

Please, don't do anything rash. You'll have to live with yourself the rest of your life, and after all this has passed, you may find that trying to hurt people who are in a vulnerable position is not something to be proud of.

Yes lets not get the illegal immigrants in any kind of trouble. So what if a a lot of us on this forum are busting our arses off trying to get our wives, husbands, children, etc.. visa's the legal way. Let us all start promoting illegal immigration on this board from now on.