Seperated from pending wife

[Merrillizer 0]

Would you consider asking her to stay with your parents or someone else? Would you get her a hotel instead? The influence she is under is bad for marriage. Does she want to be married? Does she love you?

It seems you love her though you moved terribly fast. The two of you need to work on your problems together and if you truly recognize that you haven't been the loving husband she'd prefer, tell her so and tell her that you are willing to go to counseling with her and to read things like "The Five Languages of Love" and to learn to love her in a way that is meaningful to her. While she says she isn't listening to those around her, she ought to know that advertizing works and if you hear a message enough times it eventually works its way into your psyche and it causes confusion if not total influence.

That her friends are illegal is irrelevant. Her friends are not friends of your marriage and that is what is relevant.

If you don't think she truly loves you, then let her go home. Maybe she was using you all along and now doesn't think it was worth it. I don't know. But if her desire is to leave the marriage and you, then let her make her own way in the world and that includes figuring out how to stay here on her own. She got you to marry her, maybe she's got another plan. But it is her problem and her business, not yours.

I told her to come home and I would leave for a few weeks and stay somewhere else and take a break. She wouldnt do it. She said that wouldnt help because she would still feel alone. She has these people around her so she doesnt feel lonely. She has known 2 of them since the summer, her friend she stays with and that girls boyfriend, the rest of the illegals she just met. I hear there is probably 5 or 6 more illegal russians over there, boys and girls.

She says I made her feel alone and I was cold to her. I made a list of 10 things that were important to her that I needed to change, and she disregarded it, she didnt even read it. She says she has no feelings for me anymore right now, and there is no going back. She did say she would take my letter and list of 10 things with her to read, but I told her "why bother if you're telling me right here and now there is no going back", so she never took them. She has just seemingly changed almost overnight. She had been visiting her friend around the corner more frequently last week, so I was suspicious of something. This girl around the corner definitely helped my wife decide to move out.

I mentioned counseling, and she looked at my mother and I like we were crazy. My (ex)wife has this idea that if you need mediation or need someone to talk to you, that you must be mentally deranged and crazy. It was like totally insulting to her the mere mention of counseling.

I dont think my wife used me. Her love was genuine and she was sincere. She showed me more love than anyone had in my entire life. I just started to take her for granted and didnt give her the time she wanted.

As far as it not being my business, I would like to agree. But it is my business, because we are still legally married and myself and the co-sponsor are held liable for her and put up this financial responibility. ON top of that, she has all the paperwork, with our personal information on it. Our sponsor is not thrilled about all his personal info being read by illegal russian immigrants.

Please, how are these people contributing to the wealth of this country by doctoring their paperwork on their laptops and duping local businesses into thinking their papers are legit? They are breaking federal laws, nuff said. If they were smart, they wouldn't have raised any flags and brought this unneeded attention to themselves by involving themselves in our marriage.

Edited March 12, 2009 by Merrillizer

[Antonio y Olga 1]

I wish she would read the quote above. She is Orthodox Christian, and she had mentioned to me several weeks ago that she wanted to find the local Orthodox church and go one Sunday. We never made it, but I think I will still mention it to her as a last attempt. My sister, whos husband is my wifes co-sponsor, actually mentioned the church too.

As far as her leaving no commitments and bills, she has. Yes, she abandoned me, her marriage and her home, but she also incurred bills with her husband, me. She has left everything in my lap. My family and I had found her oddjobs when we could so she could stay busy and make some money, and even with that she would try to contribute. I cant help but think that you SHOULDNT just up and leave without at least a little thought and maybe even a little mediation whether it be from the church, counselor, etc. But she has chosen to just throw it all away.

It seems my wife is not willing to return. Tonight, just a few hours ago, my sister and her husband contacted my wife, and they told her that they could no longer be her sponsor if she has chosen to desert her marriage and no longer be a part of our family. It is out of my hands now. And I cant say that I dont blame my brother in law for revoking his sponsorship.

I desperately want to help my wife, more than anything in the world, but without our sponsor she has no choice but to return home to Moldova, and I believe at this point it is what she is going to do. It is just sad that she is so unwilling to salvage something so beautiful that we had together. I am not perfect by any means, and I know my work got in the way of our relationship and marriage sometimes, but I was merely trying to make sure we could make it. I am sad that she is unwilling to extend her husband another chance to show just how much I love her. I only worked so hard to make sure we were afloat. But I guess she just started to feel alone and the pressure became too much. I wasn't the husband to her that she deserved. I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I promised her I would still help her anyway I can, but its just out of my hands now. She said her mind is made, and she is NOT coming back. No matter how great I am to her, no matter how much I comfort her, she will not return. Even more unfortunate, is that although her friend she is staying with (also from Moldova) is legal here right now and working, her russian boyfriend is not. He is illegal, along with his friends, and they have doctored papers in order to get jobs in town here. I just cant believe my wife has resorted to taking comfort from these illegal people.

Cut your losses, she does not love you, she probably has someone else; I've seen the exact thing before with a friend of mine. Beware of the fact that by signing the Affidavit of Support you are hooked for 10 years. Find someone who will go through a rough winter and separation from her country and family but still wants to be with you.

[rika60607 215]

Let someone else get those illegals in trouble.

If you report them, your still w-i-f-e will believe she was right to leave you, because you act cold and vindictive.

Take care of yourself, don't try to ruin her life and her friend's lives. Save your soul.

[M.O 6]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

thats mean and not good at all...why others should suffer cos you cant keep your wife near you??

if their boss wanted to hire Americans they would have but they choice to hire Russians and we know they pay them less than they should have...

Try to calm down and go on with your life...deport your wife if you want...she wont be even legal here after you divorce here,Stop waning and ask for advice,life sucks sometimes but hurting other wont make your life better. IT WILL BE THE SAME! She doesnt want you anymore ...thats it...i think slowly i understand why...

Good luck

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

I htink you do it bc she left you and she is with those ones..so you hold them responsible. not really bc you tink that's not accpetable that they are here.

if htey are workign they are paying taxes, aren't they? i think the are also contributing to the wealth of your country right now, they are not a public charge, right?

SO denounce someone who is trying to find thier way to have a life is a very very bad mentality...

They are here illegally. No they are not "helping" the USA when they break the law. It doesn't matter what the reasons are for turning in these illegal aliens as long as they are turned in. It's people like you that make this visa process harder and harder every year. Please do not condone illegal activity in this country.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

thats mean and not good at all...why others should suffer cos you cant keep your wife near you??

if their boss wanted to hire Americans they would have but they choice to hire Russians and we know they pay them less than they should have...

Try to calm down and go on with your life...deport your wife if you want...she wont be even legal here after you divorce here,Stop waning and ask for advice,life sucks sometimes but hurting other wont make your life better. IT WILL BE THE SAME! She doesnt want you anymore ...thats it...i think slowly i understand why...

Good luck

It's mean to turn in illegal aliens who are breaking the law in the USA?????? ####### ?

This isn't Trans Dniester where people make it a habit of breaking the law. Here in the USA we frown upon law breakers...like people who stay here under illegal pretense. In fact it's sickening to even read a post like yours on this forum of all places. I know Russian mentality only too well....and that post only backs it up.

Edited March 12, 2009 by Why_Me

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Let someone else get those illegals in trouble.

If you report them, your still w-i-f-e will believe she was right to leave you, because you act cold and vindictive.

Take care of yourself, don't try to ruin her life and her friend's lives. Save your soul.

You should saying something like; "yes turn in those illegal Russian law breakers". Send them back to where they came from, and if they want to come back to the USA then they can do it LEGALLY.

In fact I hope he's turning in every one of them right now as I am posting this, and it would be wonderful if the police arrested each and every one of them by the end of the day.

Edited March 12, 2009 by Why_Me

[M.O 6]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

thats mean and not good at all...why others should suffer cos you cant keep your wife near you??

if their boss wanted to hire Americans they would have but they choice to hire Russians and we know they pay them less than they should have...

Try to calm down and go on with your life...deport your wife if you want...she wont be even legal here after you divorce here,Stop waning and ask for advice,life sucks sometimes but hurting other wont make your life better. IT WILL BE THE SAME! She doesnt want you anymore ...thats it...i think slowly i understand why...

Good luck

It's mean to turn in illegal aliens who are breaking the law in the USA?????? ####### ?

This isn't Trans Dniester where people make it a habit of breaking the law. Here in the USA we frown upon law breakers...like people who stay here under illegal pretense. In fact it's sickening to even read a post like yours on this forum of all places. I know Russian mentality only too well....and that post only backs it up.

OK why arent you working in gathering all the illigal people in the USA,im sure you will do a great job...i see you have a pretty good willing for it smarty...this has nothing to do with with other people...heres is about his wife that left him and hes begging her to come back by turning in some immigrant that have nothing to do with his problems...

And calm down pls, nobody is breaking the law more than the citizens of their own country..

and "#######" choose your words...i see no education in here

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

thats mean and not good at all...why others should suffer cos you cant keep your wife near you??

if their boss wanted to hire Americans they would have but they choice to hire Russians and we know they pay them less than they should have...

Try to calm down and go on with your life...deport your wife if you want...she wont be even legal here after you divorce here,Stop waning and ask for advice,life sucks sometimes but hurting other wont make your life better. IT WILL BE THE SAME! She doesnt want you anymore ...thats it...i think slowly i understand why...

Good luck

It's mean to turn in illegal aliens who are breaking the law in the USA?????? ####### ?

This isn't Trans Dniester where people make it a habit of breaking the law. Here in the USA we frown upon law breakers...like people who stay here under illegal pretense. In fact it's sickening to even read a post like yours on this forum of all places. I know Russian mentality only too well....and that post only backs it up.

OK why arent you working in gathering all the illigal people in the USA,im sure you will do a great job...i see you have a pretty good willing for it smarty...this has nothing to do with with other people...heres is about his wife that left him and hes begging her to come back by turning in some immigrant that have nothing to do with his problems...

And calm down pls, nobody is breaking the law more than the citizens of their own country..

and "#######" choose your words...i see no education in here

I could care less what his motives are for turning those illegal law breaking aliens in...as long as he's doing the right thing...which turning them in is the right thing. And yes she has left him, and yes he needs to cut his losses ...and to also make sure the INS knows that they are not together anymore. In fact if I were him I would have already filed for divorce by now.

[M.O 6]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

thats mean and not good at all...why others should suffer cos you cant keep your wife near you??

if their boss wanted to hire Americans they would have but they choice to hire Russians and we know they pay them less than they should have...

Try to calm down and go on with your life...deport your wife if you want...she wont be even legal here after you divorce here,Stop waning and ask for advice,life sucks sometimes but hurting other wont make your life better. IT WILL BE THE SAME! She doesnt want you anymore ...thats it...i think slowly i understand why...

Good luck

It's mean to turn in illegal aliens who are breaking the law in the USA?????? ####### ?

This isn't Trans Dniester where people make it a habit of breaking the law. Here in the USA we frown upon law breakers...like people who stay here under illegal pretense. In fact it's sickening to even read a post like yours on this forum of all places. I know Russian mentality only too well....and that post only backs it up.

OK why arent you working in gathering all the illigal people in the USA,im sure you will do a great job...i see you have a pretty good willing for it smarty...this has nothing to do with with other people...heres is about his wife that left him and hes begging her to come back by turning in some immigrant that have nothing to do with his problems...

And calm down pls, nobody is breaking the law more than the citizens of their own country..

and "#######" choose your words...i see no education in here

I could care less what his motives are for turning those illegal law breaking aliens in...as long as he's doing the right thing...which turning them in is the right thing. And yes she has left him, and yes he needs to cut his losses ...and to also make sure the INS knows that they are not together anymore. In fact if I were him I would have already filed for divorce by now.

Im sure you would...no doubt...

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

For the OP....make sure you change the locks on your doors ASAP!

[MsZ 6]

"She did say she would take my letter and list of 10 things with her to read, but I told her "why bother if you're telling me right here and now there is no going back""

I think that's probably a good part of the problem -- instead of holding your tongue you had to respond with something like that when she said she would take it and read. You shot yourself in your own foot. I don't care what she said -- your own behavior acts against what you say you want.

Further, I never said the illegals weren't your business. I said that her choice as to whether to stay here or to leave is her business. If she leaves you she leaves the marriage. It is her problem how she manages to stay here.

The illegals are not your _problem_ in that they aren't causing the marriage to fail. You and your wife are the ones who are causing the problems in your marriage. And I agree that turning them in will not endear you to your wife. I do see it as a vindictive act. You want to punish someone and they're the only ones available. I have no great love for illegals, but it is clear that this is not about their lack of status in the US. This is about you wanting someone to blame who isn't you or your wife.

Anyway, if you respond to any sign of positive motion to her with "why bother" then what do you think she's going to take away from that conversation? Have you gotten down on your knees and begged her to please try with you, to see a priest or someone to help find a way back from this situation? If you are defensive you will lose her for good. You need to not only admit that you were wrong, but humble yourself to her and behave accordingly.

[rika60607 215]

Why_me,

why are you so rabid?

yes life *should* be according to the rules, and people *should* say and do things as you deem appropriate, but... it's life. It *should* not be cold and bitter and untrusting.

change the locks... close accounts... get them all arrested and deported...

this is not good advice. This is a way to disaster and much personal unhappiness ever after.

Dude, chill some!

[Old Dominion 26]

I would like to think showing her this would help. I'd like to think a lot of things would help, but it wouldnt.

I know the friend she is staying with is coaching her too, because I could her voice in the background when my wife called me and said she wanted to meet at our place again and talk with my mom on more time. Her friend was telling her what to say, like "...you already talked with him, now you want to talk with his MOM". I heard her, and was pretty pissed. They must be telling her so many things. My wife says she isnt listening to anyone and the decisions is hers, but I know better. If people tell you enough of the same thing, you start to believe it. It's pressure, and its steering her in the wrong direction.

These illegals think they are helping her. But she had a husband who loved and supported her and a family here that cared for her dearly and did so much to make sure she felt accepted. And now she has no co-sponsor, no job, no money, and is on the brink of divorce and deportation. I would actually prefer an annulment to this marriage because she deserted me and I dont know where she is, but I am unsure if I can get one.

I agree that it is any citizen's responsibility to report that a crime is being committed, not because of spite. It seems from a distance that your wife is enjoying life the way it was when she had her work visa -- with those of her own culture who are still growing up, free to do what comes into their minds....even go to the Orthodox Church without getting permission. Change your locks, do what's needed to establish your legal separation leading to divorce, and be thankful that it was fun while it lasted. But for God's sake, quit using the term "illegals" and judging them as lesser human beings.

Edited March 12, 2009 by Old Dominion

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I agree that it is any citizen's responsibility to report that a crime is being committed, not because of spite. It seems from a distance that your wife is enjoying life the way it was when she had her work visa -- with those of her own culture who are still growing up, free to do what comes into their minds....even go to the Orthodox Church without getting permission. Change your locks, do what's needed to establish your legal separation leading to divorce, and be thankful that it was fun while it lasted. But for God's sake, quit using the term "illegals" and judging them as lesser human beings.

I agree with Old Dominion. Everything else is plain sour grapes... of the childish and immature kind.