Seperated from pending wife

[Dakine 26]

I wish she would read the quote above. She is Orthodox Christian, and she had mentioned to me several weeks ago that she wanted to find the local Orthodox church and go one Sunday. We never made it, but I think I will still mention it to her as a last attempt. My sister, whos husband is my wifes co-sponsor, actually mentioned the church too.

As far as her leaving no commitments and bills, she has. Yes, she abandoned me, her marriage and her home, but she also incurred bills with her husband, me. She has left everything in my lap. My family and I had found her oddjobs when we could so she could stay busy and make some money, and even with that she would try to contribute. I cant help but think that you SHOULDNT just up and leave without at least a little thought and maybe even a little mediation whether it be from the church, counselor, etc. But she has chosen to just throw it all away.

It seems my wife is not willing to return. Tonight, just a few hours ago, my sister and her husband contacted my wife, and they told her that they could no longer be her sponsor if she has chosen to desert her marriage and no longer be a part of our family. It is out of my hands now. And I cant say that I dont blame my brother in law for revoking his sponsorship.

I desperately want to help my wife, more than anything in the world, but without our sponsor she has no choice but to return home to Moldova, and I believe at this point it is what she is going to do. It is just sad that she is so unwilling to salvage something so beautiful that we had together. I am not perfect by any means, and I know my work got in the way of our relationship and marriage sometimes, but I was merely trying to make sure we could make it. I am sad that she is unwilling to extend her husband another chance to show just how much I love her. I only worked so hard to make sure we were afloat. But I guess she just started to feel alone and the pressure became too much. I wasn't the husband to her that she deserved. I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I promised her I would still help her anyway I can, but its just out of my hands now. She said her mind is made, and she is NOT coming back. No matter how great I am to her, no matter how much I comfort her, she will not return. Even more unfortunate, is that although her friend she is staying with (also from Moldova) is legal here right now and working, her russian boyfriend is not. He is illegal, along with his friends, and they have doctored papers in order to get jobs in town here. I just cant believe my wife has resorted to taking comfort from these illegal people.

If the co sponsors and you yank the I-864s she'll probably be joining her illegal friends!!

[Merrillizer 0]

OK, I was trying to hold my tongue but I cannot.

My Goodness. Come on! Are you really that obtuse? You want to help someone who wants nothing to do with you? For what? Are you thinking if you stay in her good graces that maybe she will come back to you? Not gonna happen and I don't know if she is leading you on or not, but something is happening that is keeping that hook in your jaw.

I guarantee she is working very hard right now trying to find someone else who will help her stay here.

Get a clue. Please. You need a good hard kick in the pants.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you sound like a lovesick puppy who keeps coming back only to be kicked again.

Far from obtuse. I merely trying to come to terms with this, and a find the best solution for the problem I have been thrust into without much warning. Let's remember, that it's because of me she is still here. And the last thing I want for my wife is to try and live the illegal life, always having to look over her shoulder. She deserves more than that. But it seems there is quite a bit of illegal russian influence in this situation. I am not the one who brought outside (illegal) parties into this marriage. They think they are helping her and doing her service by putting her until she can get a job. But, all they have accomplished thus far is the revocation of her sponsorship.

Lovesick? Not anymore. Just concerned for somebody I care for immensely. I want whatever my wife thinks is best for her, and nothing less. But once she left, she abandoned her commitments. And I guarantee she is working even harder on trying to go home now, not stay here, just as her parents requested.

And my wife walking out was a hard enough kick in the pants. But I appreciate your concern. And she is not just "someone" I am trying to help, she is my W I F E.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Dude,

if she does not have a job and only a $100 to her name, then she did not abandon her lease and bills. She had no way of paying them anyway.

In fact, she made it easier for you to meet your financial obligations, because now you do not have to feed and cloth her.

The only obligation she abandoned - is you! And I agree, if she keeps coming back, then she still loves you. It is very hard, but if you want her back, you have to be caring and perfect in every way, and you have to be that way NOW. Whatever you do right now will decide whether she stays with you or goes. You have to really keep her best interest in mind, whatever you do. Otherwise, a stubborn woman will not go back.

Why don't you have a joint bank account? If she left you only a week ago, why did you close it? Give it time, a couple of months at least, before you cut all ties. Both of you must be very emotional right now and it is not the best time to make decisions.

If there is no AoS interview, she may get approved for conditional GC, but if there is interview - she will likely be denied if she is separated from you at the time of the interview.

Either way, with marriage so short, she will have difficulties removing conditions later, even if she gets conditional GC.

As for worrying about your BIL - you have to tell him, but realistically, the girl sounds educated and strong. I doubt she would ever incur the costs for which your BIL would be ever charged. AND you could always pay him back, right?

Be brave, love can conquer all.

Youv'e been divorced? Have you had your bank account cleaned out before? Please do not give anyone on here this advice. And just because someone keeps coming back doesn't mean it's "love"...only an ignorant and naive person would buy into that bull.

To the OP. Talk to her...be nice, if that doesn't do it....have nothing to do with her. Get a divorce. Cut your losses.

[Hoot 0]

Guy:

Take this from someone who is 47 and has had more then his share of bumps. SLOW DOWN and be patient - sometimes these things take some time to work out. Over time you will see her true intensions and she will see your true intensions. Assuming her intensions are good - right now she sounds very confused - it is perfectly normal for her to be confused and to be chaning her mind. Give her time abd freedon - she might just come back to you. Be as supportive as you can and see what happens. Try to minimize the conflict and be as supportive as possible. You are on the right track. Life is too short to fight over small things - but - she should not expct you to be her entertainment committee either.

It is probably a little early for the brother in law to be calling her and telling her he will be withdrawing his support - that probably puts un-needed pressure on her and does not help the situation. If she does in fact abandon the marriage - at that time he should just withdraw it - no communication to her needed.

If she decides to leave the marriage - then - you will need to accept her decision after you have put in a reasonable effort to save the marriage. In this case - it will be painful - but you must accept what has happened and move on. Eventually you will find a great woman.

If her intensions are not honorable - you will see this over time - just use common sense. In the end you owe it to yourself to be HONEST and truthful to USCIS - although you love her - do not falsify anything - you will really regret this later on. If she abandons the marriage - then she needs to find another basis to stay here in the USA - but - if she is so homesick - she won't want to stay anyways - maybe this might be a sign of her true intensions.

My wife and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. We rarely argue and everything just sort of flows naturally - we have learned to listen to each other and sort of instinctively know when each of us should take the lead in a situation. A good relationship should come naturally - it requires effort - but it should not result in great difficulties.

Just my thoughts. I wish you, her, and your family the best.

Hoot

[Merrillizer 0]

If the co sponsors and you yank the I-864s she'll probably be joining her illegal friends!!

You could be right! But she'll then be joining them on a return flight to their respective motherland, cuz those kids are being reported. People in town are sick of them overstaying their visas, and doctoring papers up to get drivers licences and jobs. Local folks cant the jobs these people LIE to get. I am ashamed my wife has chosen the comfort of illegal aliens.

[Prawninator 138]

Maybe if you show her this thread, she might read for herself how much you care for her, and how much you insisted that she really isn't a bad person for walking out on you?

Just a suggestion, I think I've been watching way too many J-dramas.

[justashooter 430]

Your comments indicate that the situation is deteriorating, my friend, so you must now act in your own interest. To do that, you will have to determine what your interest is. It appears that your wife is vacating the role of wife. If this is the case, recognising the fact will be painful, but the first step in saving your own life.

She is going down a path you do not agree with, and has no intention of coming home? Then move on, and let her suffer the fate of her choice. In the meantime, consider your own fate. If your case for AOS has been sent to CSC there is a 90% chance that her AOS will occur without interview. If it is in MSC, she will prolly need to interview.

Check your 797 notice of action collection to see which service center it has gone to. This will show you what your options are. If CSC, bail on the I864 now. If MSC, you have time to think this through and lick your wounds. Either way, you are telling us she is not coming home, so you know what you have to do.

If she has walked out on you and is not coming back, she is your wife in name only. You cannot expect her to do anything but help herself, without respect to how her actions may damage you. It is your responsibility to let her do that, while you help yourself, without respect to how your actions may damage her. History will write the result.

Pull your pants up. You've taking this beating too long.

[Merrillizer 0]

I would like to think showing her this would help. I'd like to think a lot of things would help, but it wouldnt.

I know the friend she is staying with is coaching her too, because I could her voice in the background when my wife called me and said she wanted to meet at our place again and talk with my mom on more time. Her friend was telling her what to say, like "...you already talked with him, now you want to talk with his MOM". I heard her, and was pretty pissed. They must be telling her so many things. My wife says she isnt listening to anyone and the decisions is hers, but I know better. If people tell you enough of the same thing, you start to believe it. It's pressure, and its steering her in the wrong direction.

These illegals think they are helping her. But she had a husband who loved and supported her and a family here that cared for her dearly and did so much to make sure she felt accepted. And now she has no co-sponsor, no job, no money, and is on the brink of divorce and deportation. I would actually prefer an annulment to this marriage because she deserted me and I dont know where she is, but I am unsure if I can get one.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

I would like to think showing her this would help. I'd like to think a lot of things would help, but it wouldnt.

I know the friend she is staying with is coaching her too, because I could her voice in the background when my wife called me and said she wanted to meet at our place again and talk with my mom on more time. Her friend was telling her what to say, like "...you already talked with him, now you want to talk with his MOM". I heard her, and was pretty pissed. They must be telling her so many things. My wife says she isnt listening to anyone and the decisions is hers, but I know better. If people tell you enough of the same thing, you start to believe it. It's pressure, and its steering her in the wrong direction.

These illegals think they are helping her. But she had a husband who loved and supported her and a family here that cared for her dearly and did so much to make sure she felt accepted. And now she has no co-sponsor, no job, no money, and is on the brink of divorce and deportation. I would actually prefer an annulment to this marriage because she deserted me and I dont know where she is, but I am unsure if I can get one.

If your thinking annulment, she is not your W I F E anymore.

I am not going to be all peaches and cream here, she is gone, you have said so in your posts, and she is trying to stay here illegally.

If you are connected with helping here stay here illegally, you can be charged.

You have been giving plenty of suggestions in this thread. Make your choice.

[SamM223 0]

I am ashamed my wife has chosen the comfort of illegal aliens.

Birds of a feather flock together.

You are obtuse and you are lovesick, you will realize this later when you have finally moved on. Someone has to tell it to you straight and maybe you will actually think hard about it. This is tough love.

[Merrillizer 0]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

[MsZ 6]

Would you consider asking her to stay with your parents or someone else? Would you get her a hotel instead? The influence she is under is bad for marriage. Does she want to be married? Does she love you?

It seems you love her though you moved terribly fast. The two of you need to work on your problems together and if you truly recognize that you haven't been the loving husband she'd prefer, tell her so and tell her that you are willing to go to counseling with her and to read things like "The Five Languages of Love" and to learn to love her in a way that is meaningful to her. While she says she isn't listening to those around her, she ought to know that advertizing works and if you hear a message enough times it eventually works its way into your psyche and it causes confusion if not total influence.

That her friends are illegal is irrelevant. Her friends are not friends of your marriage and that is what is relevant.

If you don't think she truly loves you, then let her go home. Maybe she was using you all along and now doesn't think it was worth it. I don't know. But if her desire is to leave the marriage and you, then let her make her own way in the world and that includes figuring out how to stay here on her own. She got you to marry her, maybe she's got another plan. But it is her problem and her business, not yours.

[DanielParul 50]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

[Ginger cat 3]

My choice has been made. I have license plate numbers of 2 of the illegal russians. I am going to report them to the proper authorities. I also know where some of them work, 3 different places here. I also know what town they are in, but not exact location. With the plate numbers, the authorities can find the address(es) of where the cars are registered to.

I am going to report them for the simple fact that they are illegal, and taking jobs and money from honest legal American citizens. I see no reason to reward them for interferring in my marriage.

I htink you do it bc she left you and she is with those ones..so you hold them responsible. not really bc you tink that's not accpetable that they are here.

if htey are workign they are paying taxes, aren't they? i think the are also contributing to the wealth of your country right now, they are not a public charge, right?

SO denounce someone who is trying to find thier way to have a life is a very very bad mentality...

Edited March 12, 2009 by Ginger cat

[merijan 0]

Well, my worst nightmare has happened. My wife moved out of our place last week and is staying with her friend around the corner.

Long story short...my wife is from Moldova, but studied in Iasi, Romania. She came to my town here in the US last June on a J-1, and worked a few jobs over the Summer. I met her in July, and by August we had fallen in love. Her J-1 Visa was to expire on October 1st, but her plane ticket to return home was Sept. 25th.

We talked seriously about marriage, I never thought I would do it, but after talkng with an immigration lawyer who told me her home country of Moldova is frought with corruption and it might be quite some time before I ever see her again because she had graduated university the previous year, and was LUCKY to get her latest J-1 in 2008.

So we decided to take the plunge. I did not want to lose her, I saw the opportunity to start a new life right there in front of me, so I thought I had to take it. We married on Sept. 26, 2008, and we found a place to live and moved into the house on Sept. 28th.

All of my family ofcourse eventually found out I had eloped, and my mother planned to have a nice reception party for us at the same time as her 19 wedding anniversary. So it was a celebration of old and new love. My mother absolutely loves my wife, cares for her so much and my family was very accepting of her.

But we have had problems and personality conflicts, and we would bicker and fight about trivial things. I guess it got too tough for Silvia, my wife, because she packed up all her stuff and left me last Thursday. The fact that I was "cold" to her, didnt take her out enough and me taking her granted are probably the main reasons for this seperation. My wife was under a lot stress, being away from her own family and friends in Moldova, not being able to work legally here right now cuz we are waiting for her EAD, and being stuck in the house a lot during a New Hampshire winter can really drag somebody down etc.

I guess my question is, can this still work for her? We did the AOS package in January. She's done biometrics already, and we check her online status, but it hasnt changed since Jan. She is scared that they are not working on her case.

I still love my wife and care for her. I originally thought to divorce her and she would be sent home. But I have to help her with the papers. I guess what I am asking is if this type of arrangment can work? Cuz we no longer have joint bank accounts, live together, etc.

TIA. This is a very rough time for me right now losing her.

Welcome to marriage. You would "bicker and fight about trivial things" this is normal. Adjusting to each others habits, ways, personality. I think you should try harder, marriage is commitment. That love you have helps , it helps when things are rough, but no matter how much you love it all comes down to compromise, respect, and respect and respect... you see its about seeing things through the other persons eyes and you give a little she gives a little.. so soon to thow in the towel.. hope you work it out.