Seperated from pending wife

[Merrillizer 0]

Well, my worst nightmare has happened. My wife moved out of our place last week and is staying with her friend around the corner.

Long story short...my wife is from Moldova, but studied in Iasi, Romania. She came to my town here in the US last June on a J-1, and worked a few jobs over the Summer. I met her in July, and by August we had fallen in love. Her J-1 Visa was to expire on October 1st, but her plane ticket to return home was Sept. 25th.

We talked seriously about marriage, I never thought I would do it, but after talkng with an immigration lawyer who told me her home country of Moldova is frought with corruption and it might be quite some time before I ever see her again because she had graduated university the previous year, and was LUCKY to get her latest J-1 in 2008.

So we decided to take the plunge. I did not want to lose her, I saw the opportunity to start a new life right there in front of me, so I thought I had to take it. We married on Sept. 26, 2008, and we found a place to live and moved into the house on Sept. 28th.

All of my family ofcourse eventually found out I had eloped, and my mother planned to have a nice reception party for us at the same time as her 19 wedding anniversary. So it was a celebration of old and new love. My mother absolutely loves my wife, cares for her so much and my family was very accepting of her.

But we have had problems and personality conflicts, and we would bicker and fight about trivial things. I guess it got too tough for Silvia, my wife, because she packed up all her stuff and left me last Thursday. The fact that I was "cold" to her, didnt take her out enough and me taking her granted are probably the main reasons for this seperation. My wife was under a lot stress, being away from her own family and friends in Moldova, not being able to work legally here right now cuz we are waiting for her EAD, and being stuck in the house a lot during a New Hampshire winter can really drag somebody down etc.

I guess my question is, can this still work for her? We did the AOS package in January. She's done biometrics already, and we check her online status, but it hasnt changed since Jan. She is scared that they are not working on her case.

I still love my wife and care for her. I originally thought to divorce her and she would be sent home. But I have to help her with the papers. I guess what I am asking is if this type of arrangment can work? Cuz we no longer have joint bank accounts, live together, etc.

TIA. This is a very rough time for me right now losing her.

Edited March 11, 2009 by Merrillizer

[YuAndDan 153]

There will be an interview for AOS, they will ask for evidence of marriage, if marriage is a troubled one, they can deny the AOS petition, USCIS will consider "Marriage is for green-card".

[Merrillizer 0]

There will be an interview for AOS, they will ask for evidence of marriage, if marriage is a troubled one, they can deny the AOS petition, USCIS will consider "Marriage is for green-card".

Thats what I thought. I told her this seperation would complicate everything in her life. But she is so stubborn, instead of one more chance to right the wrongs and save a marriage, its instead just walk out and not bother.

We have pics from our reception, and pics from trips we took, places we etc etc. It was legitimate. But now its nothing, and I dont know how easy she expects this to be now that she has not only left and defaulted on her lease contract, but she has betrayed me and defaulted on our marriage.

She has really upset my family, and my brother in law co sponsored her. Now I am not sure if he will jump ship or not since she has deserted and abandoned me. He may decide to revoke sponsorship, then she'll definitely get denied. He will be here this weekened to visit my mom, and when he finds out....D'OH.

UNfortunately I do not see her coming back, her mind is very made up. I tried everything.

I am unsure of what to do. I am devestated. I promised her I would still help her, but I feel I need to look out for my own interests, too.

Edited March 11, 2009 by Merrillizer

[GueraKristina 1]

Sounds like you still love your wife, but not sure if you should continue with the marriage. if you love her, treat her better, you have already realized that she IS away from her family and friends and that she IS feeling lonely and that MAYBE YOU DO take her for granted, if you are acknoledging that you are making mistakes, tell her that. it sounds stupid to not give it another try. Sounds like your more worried about making sure her papers are ok rather than trying to get back together with your wife.... isnt that the whole reason why she has papers in the first place.... b/c she is your wife...., i would worry about mending the broken relationship first so that you guys can go on with the papers happily, not as a divorced couple.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

There will be an interview for AOS, they will ask for evidence of marriage, if marriage is a troubled one, they can deny the AOS petition, USCIS will consider "Marriage is for green-card".

Thats what I thought. I told her this seperation would complicate everything in her life. But she is so stubborn, instead of one more chance to right the wrongs and save a marriage, its instead just walk out and not bother.

We have pics from our reception, and pics from trips we took, places we etc etc. It was legitimate. But now its nothing, and I dont know how easy she expects this to be now that she has not only left and defaulted on her lease contract, but she has betrayed me and defaulted on our marriage.

She has really upset my family, and my brother in law co sponsored her. Now I am not sure if he will jump ship or not since she has deserted and abandoned me. He may decide to revoke sponsorship, then she'll definitely get denied. He will be here this weekened to visit my mom, and when he finds out....D'OH.

UNfortunately I do not see her coming back, her mind is very made up. I tried everything.

I am unsure of what to do. I am devestated. I promised her I would still help her, but I feel I need to look out for my own interests, too.

You should tell your brother in law NOW that she left you, and you think it's over. Do not hide this from him.

He is on the hook for her, so he should know what is exactly going on. He can revoke before the AOS is approved. Afterwards, if the AOS is approved, he is held to it.

If you have exhausted all your avenues to fix the marriage (counseling, talks, etc...) then you have to make some hard choices.

From what you wrote, it sounds you two married fast to stop her from going back home, which is never a good place to start a marriage. (IE Rushed)

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits"

[Dakine 26]

One thing to consider is if the AOS goes thru and she gets her GC you or your cosponsor [if any] will be financially responsible for her for a LONG time.

Try to work out the marriage. Doesn't sound like she married for the GC [or she is not well informed] or she wouldn't have left you yet.

[Merrillizer 0]

Thanks for your replies. I have tried everything. She's been gone since last Thurs, and everday except Sunday she has been back to the house to talk, and it always ends up with her changing her mind 20 times. I told her I would let her come home for a few weeks, if it doesnt work out then, its really over and we move on with figuring out how to get the papers anyway. I dont want to destroy her. Ofcourse, when she left I wanted to get the quick $175 joint divorce and send her packin' back to Moldova.

But I still love her too much to ruin her life. She has made this decision to leave me....she has no job, about 100 dollars to her name, and is staying with her friend. I supported her and she left me. Plus she left me with all of our responsibilities....a lease, rent, utilities, etc. Its like she no worries in the world. But I know she does. It just seems so easy for her to be this stubborn.

There is only a miniscule chance she will return, and is if I start my "changes" with the first being nice enough to still help her after she has done this. I want to change, so I will start now and not be spiteful. I say there is only a miniscule chance of her return, because she is just like me with decision making, STUBBORN. ONce she says something, its like engraved in stone, and she feels like she is compromising something of herself if she has to take back what she said or go against it, so it is very hard for her. When she said "There's no going back", I knew it was 99.9% over. It's such a shame.

Yes, we married too quick. I do know that in my heart. I knew it wasnt the right decision to make. But we didnt want to lose each other. I guess it was right there, so we took it. We both probably knew it was wrong. And I have also questioned myself a few times over the past 5 months being married to her..."is she the one for me?"....and "am I with the right person?"......"do I want to be with her the rest of my life?"..........and I decided I loved her enough to continue and build the relationship. But she has just thrown everything in the trash.

I will definitely call my brother in law now and tell him.

[justashooter 430]

Sounds like a really young girl with terrible homesickness and cabin fever, and a decent guy trying to do the right thing. I wish you luck, friend. Spend every moment you can spare with her, comforting her, hooking her up with her family by internet teleconference, and reminding that she will be in a better position as soon as she gets EAD. Being disempowered in a foreign country is difficult for anyone, and especially so in a New Hampshire winter. As long as "her friend" is not a guy and she continues to talk to you there is a chance. She wouldn't be coming home every night if she didn't want you to "make it all better". Tell the BIL to hold onto his pants till you know for sure.

Best of luck to you both.

[rika60607 215]

Dude,

if she does not have a job and only a $100 to her name, then she did not abandon her lease and bills. She had no way of paying them anyway.

In fact, she made it easier for you to meet your financial obligations, because now you do not have to feed and cloth her.

The only obligation she abandoned - is you! And I agree, if she keeps coming back, then she still loves you. It is very hard, but if you want her back, you have to be caring and perfect in every way, and you have to be that way NOW. Whatever you do right now will decide whether she stays with you or goes. You have to really keep her best interest in mind, whatever you do. Otherwise, a stubborn woman will not go back.

Why don't you have a joint bank account? If she left you only a week ago, why did you close it? Give it time, a couple of months at least, before you cut all ties. Both of you must be very emotional right now and it is not the best time to make decisions.

If there is no AoS interview, she may get approved for conditional GC, but if there is interview - she will likely be denied if she is separated from you at the time of the interview.

Either way, with marriage so short, she will have difficulties removing conditions later, even if she gets conditional GC.

As for worrying about your BIL - you have to tell him, but realistically, the girl sounds educated and strong. I doubt she would ever incur the costs for which your BIL would be ever charged. AND you could always pay him back, right?

Be brave, love can conquer all.

[Anh map 2,098]

When the AOS interview takes place you will have to choose whether to be truthful or commit fraud. I don't me to sound cold and harsh.

[Old Dominion 26]

It seems from a distance that neither of you was really ready to establish a relationship-for-life. But you went ahead and did it. So perhaps there is a third party, like a minister, who could work with both of you to help you learn what compromise is all about. Headstrong/stubborn people do manage to create wonderful marriages if they are mature enough to know how.

[Merrillizer 0]

I wish she would read the quote above. She is Orthodox Christian, and she had mentioned to me several weeks ago that she wanted to find the local Orthodox church and go one Sunday. We never made it, but I think I will still mention it to her as a last attempt. My sister, whos husband is my wifes co-sponsor, actually mentioned the church too.

As far as her leaving no commitments and bills, she has. Yes, she abandoned me, her marriage and her home, but she also incurred bills with her husband, me. She has left everything in my lap. My family and I had found her oddjobs when we could so she could stay busy and make some money, and even with that she would try to contribute. I cant help but think that you SHOULDNT just up and leave without at least a little thought and maybe even a little mediation whether it be from the church, counselor, etc. But she has chosen to just throw it all away.

It seems my wife is not willing to return. Tonight, just a few hours ago, my sister and her husband contacted my wife, and they told her that they could no longer be her sponsor if she has chosen to desert her marriage and no longer be a part of our family. It is out of my hands now. And I cant say that I dont blame my brother in law for revoking his sponsorship.

I desperately want to help my wife, more than anything in the world, but without our sponsor she has no choice but to return home to Moldova, and I believe at this point it is what she is going to do. It is just sad that she is so unwilling to salvage something so beautiful that we had together. I am not perfect by any means, and I know my work got in the way of our relationship and marriage sometimes, but I was merely trying to make sure we could make it. I am sad that she is unwilling to extend her husband another chance to show just how much I love her. I only worked so hard to make sure we were afloat. But I guess she just started to feel alone and the pressure became too much. I wasn't the husband to her that she deserved. I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I promised her I would still help her anyway I can, but its just out of my hands now. She said her mind is made, and she is NOT coming back. No matter how great I am to her, no matter how much I comfort her, she will not return. Even more unfortunate, is that although her friend she is staying with (also from Moldova) is legal here right now and working, her russian boyfriend is not. He is illegal, along with his friends, and they have doctored papers in order to get jobs in town here. I just cant believe my wife has resorted to taking comfort from these illegal people.

[SamM223 0]

OK, I was trying to hold my tongue but I cannot.

My Goodness. Come on! Are you really that obtuse? You want to help someone who wants nothing to do with you? For what? Are you thinking if you stay in her good graces that maybe she will come back to you? Not gonna happen and I don't know if she is leading you on or not, but something is happening that is keeping that hook in your jaw.

I guarantee she is working very hard right now trying to find someone else who will help her stay here.

Get a clue. Please. You need a good hard kick in the pants.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you sound like a lovesick puppy who keeps coming back only to be kicked again.

[M.O 6]

what state are you in ?

I know this homesickness is bad but she has her russian-moldovan friends thats a lot better than being alone...

And yeah i would tell you to let her go and go on with our life...life is worth living even if she left...if she is that stubborn is not about love here already..she just wants herself out of this relationship...

ohh well,there comes a time in life where we all get hurt but we get over it...

Im really sorry...and i hope you make the right decision no matter what is it...

God bless...