American Filipina relationship user manual

[maritoni 3]

Why does it sometimes feel that everyone is in a bucket? That people dont actually read things from a full spectrum, that they think that it has to fir their own world?

ALL OPiNIONS, STATEMENTS, ASSERTIONS, AFFIRMATIONS, ARGUEMENTS ....THEY CAN ALWAYS BE CATEGORIZED AS GENERALITIES!!!!!

EVER LAW IS ONLY A THEORY THAT HAS BEEN AGREED UPON NY TWO OR MORE HUMANS THAT IT IS NOW FACT!

THERE IS NO TRUE LAW!!!

We cannot talk or speak to each other if people cannot make any point without a person coming along and exposing the only obvious point that everyone already knows.

A banana is yellow and makes you healthy and provides you Vitamin K....but we all know that not every banana is yellow....isnt it obvious to any common sense person that the sender of the information is only talking about ripe, edible bananas? For what reason would anyone waste there breath to come out and say hey "That banana over there is green, therefore you make no sense because I see a green banana?

This means there is always going to be room for argument, debate, and lots of room for disproving....and it also means that their is going to confusion, loss of the point being made, and time wasted.

YOu have to be able to intelligently read a persons point using empathetic senses to change your own reality to someone elses, or some others groups reality. It cannot and does not have to be your own reality.

It may not be your reality, but it does not mean it does not exist....

Now if you are just looking to take the high road and prove that you are in a better state or worst state (victim thinkers), and your world doesnt exist like someone else, then move on!!! You are not ready for this kind of content.

THEORY OF RELATIVITY!!!!!

We are all wrong, and we are all right!!!

So the only way we can have clear communication with understanding is to use our empathetic senses. If you have not matured enough to use these senses, then you should not be posting on messageboards. PERIOD!!!!

The OP made some good points and it fits "some" but not "all"!

So if it dont fit you, then why waste the cyberspace?

Or is it your ego speaking to you because this thread provides you an opportunity to be that one crab in the bucket to pull the other crab down below you, so you can look like you "Got the perfect girl" "YOu are more of a man than the other guy" "that your life is not full of problems" or that you can show your wife now how much of a gentleman you are , and how much you love her.....But do you not see that its not necessary to tear one man down in order for you to mate with the female? In our modern complex world, in there are enough females for all of us to have access to some of it...you have complete free access with little competition from other males to mate with your woman? We dont have to do that anymore guys!!!!!!

and to be honest, what angers me the most, is that is usually mostly men who do this...They are always trying to prove that they got the longest ding dong, or the biggest wallet, or the most sensitivity for women, children, pets etc...lol

Goodness!

The more we say we are civilized, the more I have to ask the question....Are we sure?

My Rant for Today!!!!

whew!!!!!

Well said

[Mykuls Merry Ann 4]

Quote of the Day on Google today:

The truth is always a compound of two half- truths, and you never reach it, because there is always something more to say.

- Tom Stoppard

[sunandmoon 450]

So if it dont fit ...

"If it don't fit, you must acquit!"

my version of it is: if it don't fit, use more lube.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

statements way off base. the title of your thread " American Filipina User Guide " was not the right choice.

my bad, American Filipina Relationship User Manual.

it was meant to be a tongue in cheek statement, but hey, i cant help it if you have no sense of humor.

oh well, my bad again...

there we go! thats what i was looking for

Filipinas have been known to take things quite seriously. The appropriate emoticon, or appending "hehe" at the end of your post stops some of the misunderstanding. hehe

When I hear "making lambing", it means the wife wants something, and it is going to cost me!

Edited March 4, 2009 by Mister_Bill

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

When I hear "making lambing", it means the wife wants something, and it is going to cost me!

so that has nothing to do with a baby sheep being born i take it?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

When I hear "making lambing", it means the wife wants something, and it is going to cost me!

so that has nothing to do with a baby sheep being born i take it?

Naw, that would be Kiwis, or Aussies, I believe.

[sj5 4]

the topic states its for american men, but this is probably true for other western men as well, but i can only speak as an american.

no one has asked for this, and i am no expert or relationship therapist or anything, but i have seen in my personal relationship, and in the relationships of our friends and family in similar situations all having similar (or exactly the same) problems which are easily avoided. after helping with a friend who arrived here recently, i decided maybe i could share some insights that i have found helpful, and helpful when we have passed them along to others, so here it is, and hopefully it can at least ease some tension in our relationships.

first our background: my wife arrived here as my fiancee at the end of may last year, we got married on august 9th, and she is now pregnant and ready to deliver at the end of may.

HOMESICKNESS

at first when she arrived here we were very busy, seeing all the sights and basically living like we were on vacation, but when i went back to work her depression and homesickness set in. filipinos have a different culture than most of us here in america, as im sure you know already, but something that is not immediately obvious to the casual observer is that many filipinos are surrounded by immediate and distant relatives, and even the neighbors are nealy like relatives and become such a part of each other's lives as to become almost inseparable. one of the first culture shocks for most filipinas moving here is that neighbors tend to keep to themselves, and if they dont, i is uncomfortable to go hangout with them anyway. both sides of the relationship should keep this in mind, the structure she is used to having around her is totally gone. dont expect neighbors to be chismosa with. I enjoy to play their mind so they've be sorry if they encounter me. I don't correct chismosas mind.

if you are feeling home sick, try to go to the local filipino grocery store, if there isnt one in your area, try the asian store...theres usually at least one in most towns...in any case, try to get some familiar food in your belly, for some reason familiar food will make you feel at home. luckily here we can get things from crabs, all the way to calamansi...if you are homesick do your best to get some filipino food, and maybe a filipino friend or two . My husband (were) always there for me. Honestly, I didn't get homesick.

THREATS TO RUN AWAY

in the first couple of weeks expect to become VERY homesick, this is normal. since everyone is different, there is no way to say when it will start, or how long it will last, but unless you are VERY accustomed to traveling and living in different places, you can pretty much guarantee you will be missing home so bad it hurts. even if you dont think you will, trust me, you will. now, during this phase it is very normal and natural to start thinking of going home to stop the pain, if you do feel this way DO NOT threaten to go home. every filipina i know within a few weeks of getting here has started feeling homesick, which has led to a fight of some kind, then they threaten to leave. dont do this, you might think its the only power you have right now, and the only thing you want, but it only leads to hurting your husband to be, and weakens the relationship, and it will in the end only cause you more pain, because no matter what happens this threat will not help you in any way unless he is physically harming you, dont threaten to leave. if he is hurting you then you SHOULD leave. If I say it, I do it.

ACTUALLY RUNNING AWAY

i know that most of you despite this warning will still threaten to leave, and fight with him until you DO leave since, again, EVERY filipina i know has run away, but before you go to this step, think about how you would feel if you just spent years and thousands of dollars to bring someone to be with you. and all she wanted to do is leave you. think about how bad that would hurt you. think about what an insult that is, and again, how badly this will hurt the relationship. also, think of how worried he will be when you are gone, and he cant find you, it will tear him up inside.

EVERY filipina i know has run away

Now, you're going to know that not all Filipinas are running away. If I want to run away. I'm capable of doing it, but I don't have reason to leaved him.

think about how you would feel if you just spent years and thousands of dollars to bring someone to be with you.

I'm certain that these girls you mentioned knew about these, but I don't know them and their husband. I don't really care about them.

"If you married to a foreigner, you take risk."

That is why some man prefer local girls in their town. However, my husband investment to bring me in US can't stop me to depart, but his passion, care, kindness, and loving

are my reasons to stay with him.

Anyway, I have good attitude towards my marriage. He always treat me good which every women dream of.

THREATS

something about filipinas make them think that threats and ultimatums are the only way they can get what they want. guess what? american guys are wired differently (for the most part) if you want something, or want to communicate something you want them to do, or not do, all you have to do is say it. yup, just that simple, tell him you want something, or want him to stop doing something and chances are, if he can, he will. no need to threaten him with "if you do this im going to..." or "im going to kill myself if you..." first of all, we dont fall for the threats, and second you will just upset us when all it would take is mentioning what you want. stop the threats, please.

You misconception about Filipinas. I think, you're sorrounded with sorta Filipina women.

MISUNDERSTANDINGS/ASSUMPTIONS

i think that a majority of the mis-communications that happen between filipinas and americans stem from the clash of communication between philippine and american culture, and let me explain this: in the philippines, most people dont directly communicate what they are trying to say, so, women especially communicate between the lines, between what is actually said, and what is implied. the men there are brought up knowing how to read these hints and implications and cultural norms, and know how to communicate between the lines as well, and read what the women mean. and beyond that, there is even a cultural device called "tampo" were someone who is upset should lock themselves away and not directly confront the person or thing that upset them. guess what, americans are not brought up that way, we are brought up in a culture where (generally speaking) directness and forthrightness are respected over hinting at and implying things. so, here is something i have learned in my relationship: men, assume you will be misinterpreted. make a statement that what you are saying is actually what you are saying, and what you mean, and there is nothing else there, no hints or signals. women, you should assume that when he is speaking and he says something, thats probably EXACTLY what he means, and nothing more, or less, dont assume he means something other than EXACTLY what those words were. if he says " the house is dirty" he means simply "the house is dirty" he is stating a fact, not making a judgment about you, or that you should clean it, he just noticed it, and said it. again, in most cases this will be true. women, we arent going to get the hint, if you hint at it, we arent going to understand. communicate directly with him, and expect him to communicate directly with you, and you will get along MUCH better. i cant possibly count the number of times i have asked a question and gotten an answer completely unrelated to what i asked, because she assumes i mean something else hahaha

My husband wishes to shut me up when I'm upset.

However, my husband is a psychotherapist, so he understand women a lot, especially me when I go crazy.

THE SILENT TREATMENT

another part of communication, or lack thereof, is the filipina silent treatment. to me the most maddening trait of all. she is upset, and instead of telling him why, she simply sits there obviously upset, but wont say why. again, the guy is supposed to figure out why she is upset, dont expect that to EVER happen girls, we arent mind readers, and we werent brought up in your culture, so please just assume we wont figure it out and just do the grown up adult thing and tell us what you are upset about. holding it in is unhealthy for you, and wont ever, ever, ever (get my point?) solve anything. just tell us what you are upset about so we can move on with our lives.

Again, my husband wishes to shut me up.

THE TEMPER TANTRUM

now, this is something i truly thought i would only see in a child, but it was really amazing to me to see grown women throwing a tantrum like a child. again, just communicate whatever is upsetting you, and we will probably be accommodating. if you want attention, there are better ways to go about it. from what i have heard, most filipinas do this, and also most of them stop eventually after being in the states for a while...maybe seeing that americans dont usually do this helps? i any case, of all the ways i have seen filipinas react to things, this one is pretty ridiculous. if you are a tantrum thrower, please stop. please. its extremely childish, and you will make your man lose respect for you.

My husband haven't see me throwing tantrums, but he may see it someday.

LANGUAGE

this is a particularly interesting topic to me, as a military linguist, the interesting interpretation the filipinos make on the english language. it is endlessly interesting to hear the pronunciation and misuse of our language

this is fairly obvious, but i think it bears mentioning, clearly there can and will be language barriers. even my wife who is nearly fluent, and whom my american friends feel has little to no accent, still makes minor grammatical and pronunciation errors, and she is probably the best non-native english linguist i have ever heard. but, aside from your average everyday language barriers, which can be at the least annoying, and at the worst a knock down drag out fight, i thought i would list for the benefit of all some interesting english language as interpreted by the filipinos:

f becomes p and vise versa

a becomes u and vise versa

(now say "backpack" following the filipino rules lol)

let - if a filipino says "he let me pay a 1000 pesos" that means he was forced.

make - "he makes me go out so i dont get bored" that means he is allowing her to go out. its a good thing.

slippers - are sandals. for some reason

"he didnt ENTERTAIN me at his office" entertain in this sense means accommodate, not being entertaining. which is actually what it used to be in english too...but that meaning fell out of usage.

thats all i can think of for now, if i think of more i will add them later.

This statement "that means he is allowing her to go out" makes me think "she is married to a controlling #######" when one of my friends tell me "I have to ask permission first. However, I don't take or be with this woman who have controlling or jealousy husband, because I avoid blame. I mean, I just want to be with married woman like me who doesn't worry what he thinks when she is away. I'm tired with people that have problem with their spouses. It's stressing me too.

Anyway, being a woman and a wife, I do know my limitations. I do tell my husband, where I go or where I want to go. I would only hang out with positive people. C

ourtesy is the best policy to me. On the other hand,

I can't live with full of suspicious and doubt, because these can make me unhappy and miserable.

LAMBING

ah...lambing. next to tampo, probably the second most misunderstood cultural phenomenon of the filipina lifestyle. lambing is when she asks to leave, so you do, then she wants you by her, but she tells you to leave again. or she wants you to take her to a restaurant, so you do, but when you get there she doesnt want to go in so you, frustrated, take her home all angry, and she is angry too, because she wanted to go to the restaurant. honestly, after like 3 years, i dont understand it at all. again, ladies, just be open and honest and direct instead of all that lambing stuff. not "when you go to her she says go away, leave me alone, but when you leave she comes running to you and asking you not to leave"

This wouldn't apply to me. I vexed my husband before, but not this way.

_______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________

all in all, probably the biggest source of frustration between american men and filipina women is that it is built in to the filipina to be indirect and assuming and hinting, where it is built into the american man to be direct and forthright and if he assumes something, he assumes that what you said is EXACTLY what you meant....so if both parties can realize this, and internalize it for their communications with one another, things will get easier. women, ONLY assume he means exactly and only what he said, and dont mislead him with your hints and threats and saying things in a way you dont actually want them to be. men, you have to assume she is going to read whatever you say wrong, so state those things carefully, and let her know you arent hinting or implying something else. my wife knows this about me, but STILL she thinks i am upset when i ask a simple factual question, fo example "hey, did you hang a new picture in the office?" her: "why, you dont like it?" and she does this despite the fact that she knows deep down that if i didnt like it, i would just say i didnt like it, right away. so, i have to preface those kinds of things with "this doesnt mean i dont like it, but i noticed a new picture in the office, did you just put it up?"

thats the best advice i have for all of us, just communicate directly, and assume you are being directly communicated with, and you will avoid alot of fights you didnt need to have.

please let me know if i am way off on anything, and feel free to add or substrate anything you would like, i just made this to hopefully help anyone who is in a relationship between a filipina woman and an american man (although probably men from other western countries probably have similar reactions)

I agree with you in some way, but don't generalize because of nationality or gender. This advice would helpful for immature women.

Edited March 4, 2009 by VJ's Opportunist

[ranjen0703 0]

My fiance arrived in August 2008 at the age of 20.

I have not seen any temper tantrumn, No Silent Treatment, No threats to run away.

My wife is easy going, and always has a smile on her face and seems to be very happy.

Sound like you have had your hands full

Hopefully things will work out and settle down for you.

the reason i wrote this is because it isnt just my wife who has done this, but all of our friends and other contacts here....i wouldnt have written this based on only my wife, but if i felt others were going through something similar. and for the most part, she has stopped most of these things since last year.

maybe your wife is the exception rather than the rule

clearly its possible that is the case with mine, but she sat here with me helping me remember some of these things, and even helping with the wording of it, especially the lambing....so i am guessing it isnt just her.

LAMBING is not a negative trait. It is a way of showing affections to another person.

[=FoxyBLUE= 2]

hahahaha..i cant help but laugh! YES, that's all true..true..true! Been doing that to my hubby till now....on our earlier times, he is so freaking mad at me and all i do is cry (like a child being scold by her parents....) but now, he's getting used of it....and im also improving with it...coz sometimes i really need to talk and talk and talk....to let him know im pissed off......yeah it will cause arguments..but in the end, LOVE still prevails....lol

[mrsartis 10]

i have forwarded this to my mike, and we'll see..

Silent treatment, im good at that.. The sad part is so is my husband. SO one time we got into an argument, so instead of me arguing more (i kinda got tired of it) i just fell silent, so he did too and when we are about to sleep, he wants to sleep in the couch (talking about childishness) so what i did i got my MALETA and started packing my stuffs, so he said wwwwait, what are you doing? i was like isnt it obvious? why would i want t stay here when you dont even want to sleep beside me..i took all my jewelries and my money and said ill just sell my jewelries so i can pay for my ticket going home and if i owe him more ill sell my car and stuffs in the philippines).. boy he wasnt happy lol ( who would be)

We werent married at that time i think i was just here for like two weeks.. and it never happen again..

so im just saying its not just the girls who are doing the silent treatment..

[Troy W 0]

So if it dont fit ...

"If it don't fit, you must acquit!" Does anybody know from which famous trial did those words become legendary? To the first one who gives the correct answer, I owe you something.

HEHEHE OJ I was watching when it happened and was said. But he got his in the long run.

[ghomnet 1]

Hmmm ?? Don't know some of the things that are mentioned I think apply to all women not just filipinas.

My fiance does some things here already, but not all. Another thing i wanted to say is that i thank this is common in many catholic countries. in the pass women are expected not to speak about certain things so instead they rely on hinting it. So maybe it has passed down. My mom is from another country which has the same catholic structure as the ph i remember my dad saying these things about her.

[Brad and Vika 129]

This stuff is hilarious Do Filipinas really run away from their husbands and homes when they are homesick for the PI? What about when there are kids?

[maritoni 3]

This stuff is hilarious Do Filipinas really run away from their husbands and homes when they are homesick for the PI? What about when there are kids?

It's doesn't apply to all filipinas...

[Mike's Lucy 14]

This stuff is hilarious Do Filipinas really run away from their husbands and homes when they are homesick for the PI? What about when there are kids?

NOT TRUE...NEVER BEEN THERE YET BUT IM SO SURE IT'S NOT TRUE.