Japanese Cultural Question

[MichelleN 0]

I've got a question for those of you better versed in Japanese culture than I am. My ex-fiance and I broke up about six months ago. It wasn't pretty and he was quite angry at me. I haven't heard from him since. No big deal but we have a child and my question is concerning his side of the family. Before we broke up, his mother was just enamored with our daughter (her only grandchild) and just showered her with gifts and such. She loved getting photos and dvds while we were together. But now that we're no longer together, I'm feeling so bad for her to have contact completely cut off. My mom suggested I send her some photos or something, just to her but I'm not sure how that would be seen over there. I know (per her father) that if a child is born out of wedlock and the parents don't marry, that the father basically stays out of the picture. But I just know his mother loved her so much I want her to see how much she's grown.

So I guess my question is, would I be causing more trouble than good by sending photos or something to her? Would it be something very rude in her eyes? Thanks

[johndecka 0]

I've got a question for those of you better versed in Japanese culture than I am. My ex-fiance and I broke up about six months ago. It wasn't pretty and he was quite angry at me. I haven't heard from him since. No big deal but we have a child and my question is concerning his side of the family. Before we broke up, his mother was just enamored with our daughter (her only grandchild) and just showered her with gifts and such. She loved getting photos and dvds while we were together. But now that we're no longer together, I'm feeling so bad for her to have contact completely cut off. My mom suggested I send her some photos or something, just to her but I'm not sure how that would be seen over there. I know (per her father) that if a child is born out of wedlock and the parents don't marry, that the father basically stays out of the picture. But I just know his mother loved her so much I want her to see how much she's grown.

So I guess my question is, would I be causing more trouble than good by sending photos or something to her? Would it be something very rude in her eyes? Thanks

It would coz more trouble and pain for her.In asian culture once couple divorced, they become strangers very fast. They will not remain close friends like western divorced couples. In her eyes, u r no longer a part of family. when ur kid grow up, he could go visit them. But U 'll not be welcomed.

[stangguy 0]

It very much depends on your ex's family. My wife's parents were divorced when she was about 10. Because of the divorce and custody arrangement she took her mother's name after the divorce. She still had some contact with her father but it was discouraged by her mother. Her older sister didn't really have any contact with him. She also had occasional contact with her aunts and uncles from her father's side.

However, I would look at it from a more practical point of view. While it seems pretty clear that your ex doesn't have any interest in your daughter it seems that his mother did. Is your daughter entered on your ex's family register? If she is then she is part of the family regardless and they can't really change that and his mother will likely appreciate the updates. However, because he was involved with a westerner the expectations also change. If the child is on his family register the fact that he doesn't have custody would generally mean that he did something wrong. While it is very common for the woman to have custody of the child after splitting when both parents are Japaneses, when only the father is Japanese it is quite common for him to try and get custody. This fact could add a great burden to his mother.

If the child isn't on his register then she truly is a stranger and whatever reason he gave to his mother for your seperation probably also puts doubt on the paternity of the child. A child born out of wedlock in Japan isn't automatically the child of its father, only if he claims the child or marries the mother within 3 months of the child's birth is it usually considered his child. Even if it was to be proven by a paternity test, because he doesn't claim the child, it isn't his. In that case I would completely forget about his mother or anyone else from his family.

[MichelleN 0]

She's not on the family registry and he's not on her birth certificate. There was never any question of the paternity and I'm sure his mother saw the separation coming. She had talked to him about it and felt the relationship wasn't going to last. So she knew there were problems but still wanted to see her grandchild. I guess my biggest fear is sending her pictures or something and either making him angry or somehow hurting her feelings. As in, has she finally 'accepted' she won't see the child again and here I come with photos? It's rough...I want to do the right thing but I don't know what it is.

[Uncle Wally 2]

I say send the pictures. Rude or not, I'm not sure. But the kid is their grandchild. Let them decide what to do with the photos.

[wowswift 3]

I say send the pictures. Rude or not, I'm not sure. But the kid is their grandchild. Let them decide what to do with the photos.

agreed, and if you are doing it through email, maybe even just ask first. it never hurts to try.

Edited March 2, 2009 by wowswift

[MamaH 0]

I will get back to you on this. But from friends I would say go with what normal custom says. Don't send pictures. But I will ask a friend specifically and get back to you today.

[HelloMiffy 1]

She's not on the family registry and he's not on her birth certificate. There was never any question of the paternity and I'm sure his mother saw the separation coming. She had talked to him about it and felt the relationship wasn't going to last. So she knew there were problems but still wanted to see her grandchild. I guess my biggest fear is sending her pictures or something and either making him angry or somehow hurting her feelings. As in, has she finally 'accepted' she won't see the child again and here I come with photos? It's rough...I want to do the right thing but I don't know what it is.

Sorry that things didn't work for you and I'm sorry for your daughter. In terms of Japanese custom, I've never heard of such custom as grandparents shouldn't see grand children's pictures in Japan (as a Japanese national). So I would encourage you to send the pictures to them. If my parents were in the same situation they would have loved to see their grand children, picture or real. All the best for you!

[MichelleN 0]

Well I've decided to write her a letter and send pictures and movies.

But there's a big problem.

She doesn't speak any English and my Japanese is remedial at best.

I've already written up a short letter in English, would anyone be willing to translate just this letter into Japanese for me? I'd really appreciate it. I want her to know exactly what I'm trying to say and don't want to screw it up by Babelfishing it.

If anyone is kind enough to do this, please PM me. I'll be forever grateful! Thanks for the help guys!

[MichelleN 0]

Someone's been kind enough to offer to help me Thanks guys for everything.