He wants to go back

[paulinespens 3]

Thanks to all of your kind words guys. He has read this and the I showed him the link that martyj posted...so he realizes that what he is feeling is normal.

I know what he misses most are the things we were used to there, like the pub and all of our friends, and the long walks we used to take around our village. I'm just going to try my hardest to get him involved in something here besides work...something fun that he can do with or without me. We are going to go slow and take things as they come I guess. I love him so much and I know he is feeling like he has failed me...but he hasn't...and I need to make sure he knows that.

Hi hope things get better for you both. I get home sick too some times and it is a big change for us all moving across the pond. Last summer when I was unable to work I starting fishing and really enjoyed it along with a tan. If I got homesick I watched my fav english tv shows on dvd. I made my dvd players I have here multiregional. I download UK tv shows too and watch them on my dvd player (divx files).

Is he a football fan?

I have Setanta Sports which shows Rugby, Football and some UK and european sports. Sky Sports is on Fox Soccer a few times a day.

Now and again I like to take a trip to World Market or Meijers to get some english goodies.

Is there an Irish Bar nearby? We have one 20 miles away. Its nice to have some beer and irish/british style pub food.

Maybe in the spring when the weather gets better and a good hot summer that makes me feel about being in the UK.

The work here is a culture shock. I have been used to having 5 weeks vacation every year during my working life.

Well I hope my two cents worth helps.

[clairehair 0]

Well, its been ages since we have been online here and posted. We came over in June 08 and are settled in NH. He has been working at a good job since November and although he has had to adjust, I thought he was doing ok. I knew he was homesick and told him to go back for a visit and he has finally decided to go back for a week in April. BUT...he has decided suddenly, that he cannot handle it here. He has never mentioned any of this to me. Never spoke to me about it...just threw it at me on Sunday. I am lost and dont know what to do. He always said he couldnt wait to leave and live here. I NEVER EVER said I wanted to live in England (not because its horrible because it isnt...but I like my country) and I am devasted. My kids are here with their dad and my daughter would be devasted if I left again (my son would be ok with it as he is older). I dont know what to do.... We spent all last night crying together because I dont see a solution. All I can think to do is to ask my ex if my daughter can come if its what she wants. My dad is ill and I know only has a year maybe two tops...

I look at everyone posting on here so excited about their plans and just want to die because thats exactly where we were last year at this time.

Part of me is mad...he hasnt spoken to me about this and he has only given it 8 months. The other part of me is so confused. All I do is cry.

Does anyone have any advice? We have decided to take things a day at a time because the economy is so terrible right now but I know eventually we will have to make a decision.

I have just finished posting to someone else actually about the same thing. This resounds with me particularly because I am from England and I came to the US after marrying a US citizen and I know exactly what is happening here and I remember a few times sitting down with a tearful husband while I told him I couldn't bear it and was going home but I changed my mind but I was very unhappy for 2 years until it went away. He is simpy giving in to the homesickness we all suffer. My husband did it to me when we lived in England I came back with him. Not sure it was the best decision for our lives but we are happy here 6 years later now but we replaced his misery with mine. Your husband is quitting on the homesickness battle, thats all. Its so hard and so intense that it doesn't surprise me many don't make it.

If he insists he can't bear it and I see from one of your other postings that he might be wavering on this I would advise to putting a big halt to making any big decisions especially for you, if you don't want to go to England then its unlikely you will be happy and you have children. He is emotional, homesick and in some ways irrational right now . This may be hard but if you can figure out a way to do this economically, let him go home for a while without you. Let him get it out of his system because he just might. He will go back to England and feel better for a while then everything will get on his nerves, the overcrowding, the expensive retail and the ####### wages, especially if he couldn't wait to get out of England in the first place. The reason why he felt that way will soon come flooding back and most importantly give him a chance to miss you. If he doesn't miss you then you have ask yourself if its time to call it a day anyway. It can happen and is a risk for all of us that undertake these transatlantic relationships.

This may seem very risky but homesickness especially homesickness this bad, is a strange creature and gives rose coloured glasses to those who have it of what home was like. There is nothing like a good old dose of reality for those to fall off! If and only if he still wants to stay in England and give it 6 months at least, should you consider uprooting your life and moving their because it would be a disaster if you went and you were equally as miserable, you being miserable is not the answer to this either.

Give him as long as he needs to start wanting to come back and if he doesn't maybe then you can consider moving then but don't do anything too impulsive because you are basing your whole lifeplans which involves others not just you on the highly emotional state of a man wracked with homesickness. Which I remember very well but also remember it going away. However, he needs visits home and always will . Let him take the trip or longer, this may take a long a painful period of waiting. Let him do what he needs to do. Tell him you love him and tell him you want to stay together but tell him you need for him to test out the England thing first before you come and pray that he comes to his senses. I am going out on a limb here mainly from personal experience but I am willing to bet he comes back.

Dry your tears, try and understand that this is just homesickness. Approach him calmly and with reassurance and give him a get out clause if he ever decides to call it quits that doesn't involve him giving you up in order to get out of his pain and also doesn;t involve you giving up everything either.

I as his fellow Brit who nearly left my husband at least three times to go home, understands but can also reassure him that 6 years later I wouldnt not return home now if you paid me. But I am also pretty sure I could give your husband a run for his money on the homesickness competition front !

[*Snowdrop* 604]

I understand how your husband is feeling - I'm feeling small waves of homesickness here and I'm already looking forward to the time we can go and live in England for a while (about 6 years away)

Something else which might help to read at this time...

There's some interesting research done on how to manage big life changes - marriage, bereavement, immigration.

Things tend to get really tough about six months after the big change but this article contains suggestions on how to deal with the transition. It also has an interesting graph which may help your husband visualise the feelings he has been having.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

[*Snowdrop* 604]

This is the major life transitions graph from the article above -

From http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

[rebeccajo 14]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear all that.

Not to belittle what he's feeling, but could it just be a phase?

There are several distinct stages immigrants often go through:

http://www.lossesintranslation.com/stages-of-immigration.php

I would say that 8 months isn't really long enough to decide whether or not he truly likes it there. Maybe if he realised that it's OK to feel the way he does and it's perfectly normal and just something he has to work through, it might make it easier on the both of you.

Marty -

This is a GREAT link you have put up! However did you find it?

I've been prowling this link and I really like this quote:

" … doing what all exiles do on impulse, which is to look for their homeland abroad, to bridge the things here to things there, to rewrite the present so as not to write off the past".

My husband has not been home since September 2005. We are going back in three weeks. He's adapted really well here but still I wonder what this visit will bring.........

[Pooky 3,784]

I may be a strange creature, but the wife often wonders why I don't get homesick. Not once have I felt the urge to pack my bags and return to the other side of the Big Pond. perhaps it's because not 10 miles away is a ready supply of Cadbury's Milk Chocolate (and not the god-awful Hershey's fake stuff, either).

Unfortunately, it puts me in a poor position to offer advice to someone trying to cope with their loved one's homesickness. What I would say is talk about it. Make time to sit down and find out all of the things that are contributing to his feeling this way, the weather, the job, the people, etc. Whatever you do, don't be quick to judge. Understanding what's behind the homesickness will put you in a better place to come to a resolution that you both can live with.

I hope you work it out. I know people from VJ who haven't made it. But far more of us have, who now call this country home.

[BexandAlan 0]

Hey Kathy

How are you and Glyn doing? I hope you are well and its good to know you are talking. Whilst neither my husband or I particularly enjoy it, I do talk about how I feel a lot. This topic is so close to my heart right now. I am not dealing with my move very well and I am sick to death with everyone telling me its because I am young (22). In a twisted way its good to know that I'm not the only one going through this and that homesickness isn't age discriminate. I find it very hard to talk to those around me (other than my husband) about my hatred for things here because they are so patriotic and love their country so dearly. I had a friend ask me at the weekend if I felt safer now I was away from Europe and I kind of laughed and said I don't know what you know about Europe but its a relatively civilized place. He actually laughed back and said but your so close to Russia and all the crazy things that are going on in Afghanistan and Africa - #######??!! - it must be almost like living in a war zone. My husband could see that my head was about to explode and so directed the conversation elsewhere but its not like the first time that I've felt like an alien form another planet and I'm sure it wont be the last.

I graduated from a 4 year Surveying degree in May moved here in July and got married in September, I was definitely in that honeymoon period. I had several job offers back home and whilst I knew it was going to be harder to find work I didn't expect what is happening right now. I can't even get a job at Publix! I'm under qualified or I'm over qualified. If I take my degree off my resume I don't have any qualifications they will understand, if I leave it on they don't understand it anyway. So I sit at home watching re-runs of Americas next top model, being sad and missing home. I have never been this person before. I feel like a piece of me is missing. For the non-USC they spend all this time with their USC part missing, pining for them, staying up till all hours to talk to them and then they move and the very second you say your goodbyes and walk through that departure gate that missing part gets filled because you know you are on your way to them forever. YEY!! At the exact same moment another part is missing, a big part, your friends and family are all behind you and you realise that both of those parts are never really going to be filled at the same time.

On a plus note there are a lot of bad days but I do have good days too and I am actively trying to meet people and get out as much as I can. I know that life works in big circles - lets just hope that I am about to start the journey to the top of the wheel and not just on my way down. I know one of the biggest issues I have is with not having any friends here. I love my husband but I miss having girl friends and an independent life. I have been using meetup.com to find people with the same interests as me and found a wonderful English group that meet up once a month. I have some very dear friends from that group now I also discovered socialjane.com which - sorry lads - is just for girls. Its sort of like a dating site but for new friends. I was quite skeptical at first but have already met one lovely girl and her husband through it. Whilst it only allows female profiles the couple I met were both looking for new couple friends and so it works out great for us. I really recommend those who are homesick to go and make new friends and having friends that are separate to your spouse is also a good thing. The idea that there would be people who'd miss me if I were to leave and go home is comforting.

I think you have to understand what makes home - home before you can do anything to start making yourself feel more settled here. Alan and I have very different views on what and where home is and it helps us to understand each other when we talk about this. One of the big things on my list and reasons I cannot call GA my home yet is that I can't just jump in the car and drive to another town. I have to look up directions or take the gps. Home to me is not getting lost only 5 miles away from your house On the weekends I will sometimes jump in the car and drive until I don't know where I am, look around, see what there is to see and then try and figure out how to get back. The more I know about the area I live in the better I feel.

I know that I will always have periods of homesickness and pangs of guilt that I left such a wonderful life back in the UK. I'm also positive that in ten years time I will remember very little about my first year here and how much I hated my day to day routine. The weather really does play a big part in my mood and the weather down here in Georgia is incredibly unstable. The first weekend in March we had 6inches of snow, the second weekend we had 80 degree weather and I got sun burnt and this weekend just gone we had torrential rain and flooding. I have told my husband that when the weather gets its act together I too will sort myself out but until then I am going to be as unpredictable and random as it is. I also feel a lot better for this out pour and recommend that people who are feeling homesick let as much out as they can. Its hard on our spouses, I feel for Alan a lot when I am bitching and moaning about how hard things are for me here, he feels so responsible. If you don't feel that you are able to talk to your spouse there are plenty of people on here you can email, I for one do not mind getting emails about this topic I have definitely sent a few out myself. Maybe starting a blog would help to, I have thought about this a lot, but never gotten around to starting one.

I just wanted to add some ramblings to this topic, I hope no one minds.

Becky xxx