He wants to go back

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Well, its been ages since we have been online here and posted. We came over in June 08 and are settled in NH. He has been working at a good job since November and although he has had to adjust, I thought he was doing ok. I knew he was homesick and told him to go back for a visit and he has finally decided to go back for a week in April. BUT...he has decided suddenly, that he cannot handle it here. He has never mentioned any of this to me. Never spoke to me about it...just threw it at me on Sunday. I am lost and dont know what to do. He always said he couldnt wait to leave and live here. I NEVER EVER said I wanted to live in England (not because its horrible because it isnt...but I like my country) and I am devasted. My kids are here with their dad and my daughter would be devasted if I left again (my son would be ok with it as he is older). I dont know what to do.... We spent all last night crying together because I dont see a solution. All I can think to do is to ask my ex if my daughter can come if its what she wants. My dad is ill and I know only has a year maybe two tops...

I look at everyone posting on here so excited about their plans and just want to die because thats exactly where we were last year at this time.

Part of me is mad...he hasnt spoken to me about this and he has only given it 8 months. The other part of me is so confused. All I do is cry.

Does anyone have any advice? We have decided to take things a day at a time because the economy is so terrible right now but I know eventually we will have to make a decision.

[Marty J 0]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear all that.

Not to belittle what he's feeling, but could it just be a phase?

There are several distinct stages immigrants often go through:

http://www.lossesintranslation.com/stages-of-immigration.php

I would say that 8 months isn't really long enough to decide whether or not he truly likes it there. Maybe if he realised that it's OK to feel the way he does and it's perfectly normal and just something he has to work through, it might make it easier on the both of you.

Edited February 27, 2009 by Marty J

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

MartyJ thanks for that link. I just hope he is willing to try. It was so difficult coming here for him but it was what he wanted. He tends to be stubborn so I just hope he will give it time. Its a horrible time of year here in NH with all of the snow still on the ground dirty and just thinking winter will never end (even though he couldnt wait for it). All I can do is try for him to make it better and talk to him about it....now that I FINALLY know how he is feeling.

[pothergavel 0]

Sorry to hear that guys.......

What is it in particular that he is finding hard to handle in the US? Or are there certain things that he is missing about home? Perhaps if you can work out exactly what it is that your husband is finding it hard to live without, then you will be more able to think of a way to compromise the situation and start to find other things or ways to compensate?

All I would say is that whatever it is that he is missing, he will undoubtedly miss you more....................

[Marty J 0]

Well hopefully when spring starts to come in and thinks aren't so bleak outside, he'll start to feel a bit better. Just ask him to give it some time. If he's still miserable 6 months down the line, perhaps you can talk about moving elsewhere. But for now he should be focusing his attention on trying to make the here and now work.

The best of luck to both of you.

[payxibka 10,045]

taken my wife nearly two years to even begin to refer to here, as "home"

[*julez* 124]

Hey Kathy. I am sorry to hear that Glyn is having a rough go right now. Its important for both of you to understand that his feelings are very normal. My husband has been here just over a year now and there have been times when he has felt like the adjustment was too hard and that maybe he should go back to the UK. But then we'd talk things out and just talking about his feelings and getting some empathy from me helps.

I think that it's winter really adds to the feeling of bleakness, since this has been a really hard severe winter for those of us in the Northeast. I know Griff is sick to death of it too - the novelty does wear off fast. It is the time of year where everyone feels pretty blah about things because winter won't move on.

We visited Griff's family after he'd been here about 6 months and that really helped him. It made him realize that there were many things that he appreciated about the US.

y best advice would be to tell you not to make him feel guilty for feeling that way that he does, but try to understand where he is coming from and help him through his feelings. Most new immigrants have these feeling and get past them. With your help, I think your husband can too.

Good luck, Kathy. We're all here if you need us.

[Jasman0717 9]

Wow, wish I could give you some sort of advise that would make you feel better. I can't image how heart broken you must be. Hopefully he is just having a depressing moment and will soon realize that.

Good luck

[Old Dominion 26]

How does he spend his days? Maybe he doesn't like his work, either.

[Big Papa Zone 93]

All I would say is that whatever it is that he is missing, he will undoubtedly miss you more....................

Nail on head.

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

I am so sorry.

I know a little bit of what your husband is going through, as I feel the same. I feel stuck here, as there is no way my USC husband could live in Europe, he is just too American in outlook. And we can afford a much nicer place here than we had in Dublin. But... I just don't like it here, despite all the good stuff. I can't get used to the American mind set and culture and words and health care... at first I thought it was culture shock but as time goes on, I worry I will never get used to it, that I will always be depressed living here. And I find it difficult to talk to my husband about it as he idolises the US so much. I am trying hard to get used to it, to make my own friends here so as not to rely on his and his family, but it is hard, I miss my old, established friendships. Sometimes I think keeping in touch with my old friends via Facebook etc is counter productive, as it only makes me realise how much of their lives I miss out on.

I am sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. But know that you two are not the only ones going through this. I hope you can work it out.

[Welshcookie 17]

I'm sorry to read this Kathy I don't have any advice as I am pretty much going through the same....I fight an overwhelming urge to pack my bags every day....I never ever thought I would feel this way and I know it's miserable for all concerned.

How is his job going?

[Big Papa Zone 93]

there is no way my USC husband could live in Europe, he is just too American in outlook.

Oh my, he sounds exactly like 'er indoors! She always says that whilst she likes to visit the UK, she's too much of a "spoiled #### American" to live anywhere else.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Thanks to all of your kind words guys. He has read this and the I showed him the link that martyj posted...so he realizes that what he is feeling is normal.

I know what he misses most are the things we were used to there, like the pub and all of our friends, and the long walks we used to take around our village. I'm just going to try my hardest to get him involved in something here besides work...something fun that he can do with or without me. We are going to go slow and take things as they come I guess. I love him so much and I know he is feeling like he has failed me...but he hasn't...and I need to make sure he knows that.

[1daysoon 0]

I know what you are all feeling I to had some of these feelings but not to the extent that you guys seem to be having. I still hate the fact that you have to work all your darn life just to afford health insurance here, but I belive that what was my turning point came in 2006. My son and I moved here in Aug 2005 and my daughter joined us in Dec 2005 then my worst year happened in 2006 , my mom died in Feb , my brother died in July and my dad died in Nov. With that, I decided there and then that America was now my home and I went for it. I might not like all things about it and might never like them but this was the choice I made , I love my husband dearly, I have my kids here , now have a grand daughter , my extended family is fantastic, I have plenty of my own friends now and a future in work that looks really good.

Stay positive, never forget the past it has made you who you are today but dont give up on the future without a fight it makes you who you can be tomorrow

Ange