Wanting to start the I-130 process

[kaya541 1]

It's been a while since I've posted; we've been waiting for his divorce to be final before we can get married and start the I-130 process. The divorce is a process that was started before he and I met, in fact they've been seperated for 7 years now. He and I were introduced on eHarmony 2 years ago this month and have been seeing each for 19 months now. He lives in BC and in August of last year I moved up from Oregon to be closer. This whole time we have been waiting for the 'ex' to just sign the papers and turn them in but she always says she is too busy with the kids or??? She doesn't work. He spoke with her again today and she won't sign the papers unless she gets more money, she won't go to an attorney to change the papers because she says she can't afford it, and wants us to pay for it again. I figure even then she still won't sign because she just doesn't seem to care if she is divorced from him or not. We see her every other weekend when we pick up the kids and she always acts as if nothing is wrong and often starts up a conversation me like she wants to be friends!?! I never say anything about the divorce to her because I figure it's not my place, that it's between the two of them and certainly not to be discussed in front of the kids.

I figure the whole immigration process will be a long enough wait but not even being able to start that process is so frustrating. I am just wondering if anyone up in Canada has had a similiar situation, have any of you been forced to sue for divorce? I'm not sure if that's even an option up there? We just don't know what to do anymore...it seems so ridiculous that our happiness and future lies with someone else's laziness, pettiness, and greed. Thanks for letting me vent on here, I appreciate it.

[Carlawarla 1]

Ugh, can I empathize with you!

I'd been seperated from my ex for several years before meeting Gene. I had discussed divorce with my ex many times and the issue about money always came up, and always made me physically sick. We both couldn't afford lawyers really, and so much of our information was from "free" half hour consultations, and internet searching. I had a good job, a good pension, and we had a house, we had some land fully paid for. My ex, who rarely if ever worked, wanted support monies, until he "got on his feet". Division of assets and debt of course were to be split 50/50 in a no fault divorce.

He finally agreed to some financial considerations, and so I got a "kit" from the courthouse, and wrote it up. Sent it. He said he didn't get it. I resent another one, he said it came, and he wanted changes. This whole ordeal, as you must know, is EXTREMELY emotionally exhausting. Even more so since I had been away from him for for 2 years and dealing with the divorce was like still living with him! Exhausting and abusive.

I can't tell you, or I could, but just writing it out would exhaust me! NOTHING changed, or happened, until I went to a lawyer, who agreed to take my case, and agreed to be paid with post dated cheques on a monthly basis. I say this because I didn't have any cash stashed of course, and by this time I knew he'd be jerking me around if I didn't use some clout with a lawyer. First thing I found out was that I could be divorced, and the financial stuff could be settled at a later date. We had been seperated for two years, and there is a one year seperation issue, which was met, so I didn't need his consent, or signature to get divorced. So I did that. The lawyer basically filled in some papers, submitted it to the court, and he was served with papers saying the marriage was terminated. Period.

Not only was that a HUGE relief for me, it made him know I meant business. He flipped! He didn't know that could be done. It sure changed the power struggle in our divorce. My not knowing that I could technically get a divorce and still work on the financial issues, was something I wouldn't have known unless I had seen a lawyer.

I wish I could tell you that it was all downhill after that, but it wasn't. We ended up going to mediation as suggested by the lawyer, and I still wasn't happy about the results. But mind you, this was now 4 YEARS since we seperated, and 2 years since our "divorce". Ridiculous!!! Gene and I could have at this time married, after getting the divorce papers, even though the financial aspects of our previous marriage weren't agreed it, but we wanted to wait. Gene had security issues at his work that prevented us from marrying until everything had been cleared up with my divorce.

I've rambled here....what I did want to impart was firstly my empathy for what you're going through. What I do want you to check out is what I found out with my lawyer, and that you CAN get divorced (and remarry if you wish), without having the financial aspects of the previous marriage complete. At least in Saskatchewan you can. That made a big difference in how my ex responded to lots of things after that. It took the wind out of his sails, that's for sure. I'm sure part of his enjoyment, was thinking that the longer he held things up, the more money he would get, and the more he could screw around with my happiness with Gene.

The end result financially really hit me hard. He got the house and land, and $70,000.00 of my pension and I took the credit card debt. I had to pay him $400.00 a month for one year for my son to live with him. My son had a girlfriend who lived a block away from my husband, and my son desperately wanted to be close to her. I lived about 20 miles away from my ex at this point. I took a second job at Robin's, on weekends at night to help pay the child support payments, until he turned 18. Gene and I discussed this financial part of the divorce, and Gene was not happy about it at all. He thought I was getting ripped off. I thought I was as well, however, I couldn't emotionally, mentally, and physically take it anymore. I was a wreck. I HAD to get this man, and our marriage out of my life. I made it a rule, I would not live with regrets and become bitter.

Fast forward...I signed all the papers, and gave him his "money", and began my journey to the US to be with the love of my life. It took 4 long years of hassle to get everything cleared up. It's not going to happen overnight if one person wants to be a jerk about things. Oh yes, I almost forgot, I was as well giving post dated cheques to my lawyer, and all told, the bill was $9,000.00. I had paid off several thousand by the time it was done, but still had a huge debt left over. Gene paid off the rest for me. Actually Gene was very upset about my taking a second job to pay child support and incurring such a huge debt in legal fees and of course wanted to pay for it, but I wouldn't let him. I was determined that I was going to pay as much as I could to get out of this "mess" he hadn't created. I did however at the end, let him clear up the remaining legal bills.

While the whole road to my divorce was fraught with horrible memories, financial hardship, and emotinal scars, I have no regrets. That is the KEY to this whole mess ending. It's all but a distant memory now that I have a new life with Gene. My children are healthy, and well adjusted.

Edited February 26, 2009 by Carlawarla

[Carlawarla 1]

Tried to edit again but I couldn't...too late! I made an error, (maybe many??!! haha) when I said the quote below....

I was determined that I was going to pay as much as I could to get out of this "mess" he hadn't created. I did however at the end, let him clear up the remaining legal bills.

HE didn't create anything. At least not Gene. Wanted to make that clear that it was my ex and I that created this "mess".

The second "he" though, was Gene, in that he paid off my remaining debt to my lawyer. Oh yes, btw, I paid for my ex's legal fees as well. I made sure that his were paid off first before paying off mine however, since I didn't want Gene to pay ANYTHING of my ex's.

Edited February 26, 2009 by Carlawarla

[Emancipation 2]

wow Carla... that's all I can say.. wow...

[trailmix 77]

First of all kaya, isn't it lucky you posted your situation here and Carla has such great advice.

Wow Carla, just wow (when I replied just now and looked at the other replies just posted, I see Em and I had the same reaction! ).

Edited February 26, 2009 by trailmix

[wowswift 3]

yeah that's pretty crazy. wow indeed

[thetreble 19]

holy moly...that is crazy, carla. I can't imagine what you went through and what others like kaya go through in these situations.

[kaya541 1]

Yessss, thank you Carla - though a hard story to read I think it will be a great help and certainly gives me some hope! I will tell my other half about it tonight and hope it works!

[MrsCat 6]

Carla, that's an incredible amount of turmoil for one person to go through.

Kaya, I wish you the best and speediest of results!

[ozone_1974 1]

Sweet Jesus, Carla

Situations like that are really, really, really exhausting. Two thumbs up goes to you Carla for getting out of this whole "mess" successfully and be stronger than ever

Kaya, hope this situation will be over soon for you so that you can finally move on and live happy with your other half

[clairehair 0]

Sweet Jesus, Carla

Situations like that are really, really, really exhausting. Two thumbs up goes to you Carla for getting out of this whole "mess" successfully and be stronger than ever

Kaya, hope this situation will be over soon for you so that you can finally move on and live happy with your other half

What a riveting story , I suspect I wasn't the only one reading it who was furious on the behalf of both of these women. I can't beleive Carla had to give this scumbag so much money when he contributed and deserved nothing. The law is lacking for sure. I think we all draw some comfort that you are happy now and extend the same hope for Kaya.

[♥Stiggy♥ 0]

((hugs)) Were also waiting on my divorce to be finalized in order to remarry and file for the CR1. Our seperation happened just over a year ago. After 12 months of seperation, anyone can file for divorce... if the serving party doesnt respond to the divorce petition within 30 days, the divorce goes through.

However, after I read Carla's post (and OMG Carla, you got ripped off, I feel so bad for you!) it must be a provincial thing... because here I cant get my divorce until custody and matrimonial debts and assests are taken care of. So right now were in the middle of hammering all that stuff out... then once its finally filled out. Right now our main concern is custody... he wants to do split custody and split up our children who are 3 and 5, which truly really hurts.

I hope the ex co-operates sooner. Have your significant other file for divorce, no matter what she has a few weeks to respond, and if she doesnt, the divorce is granted right then and there.

Good luck!