DINNER IN MENA LAND

[Sandrila 1]

Ok briefly and just because I am really having a hard time with this one.

Life here obviously very different than there. We are busy working women, most of the time with kids and a million other things going on.

Not just sitting in the home all day being domestic.

Not having time to cook a big meal from scratch or keep your place immaculate I think is the norm.

I love to cook and I am good cook but most of the time I am tired and/or not having all I need to be so creative and busy in the kitchen.

We have plenty to eat but I finally am seeing now that my husband expects me to put cooking dinner for him first.

He works alot so we rarely are able to sit down together and have a normal meal. Most nights I drive to get him and we get home 12-1 am.

If it is just me, I dont cook. I just eat whatever I can find and it could be anything BUT I do make sure that he has a sufficient meal of some kind, whether freshly made, leftovers, or something quick and easy.

The point is, he eats.

I know the role of wife is pretty much the same despite where one lives but I am feeling the pressure more to do this and do that.

I dont know if it is because I am "American" and we are always on the go and dont have the time nor take the time to stay in the kitchen

OR if this man has just been so completely catered to all his life that this is what he expects from me.

Of course I cook, of course I make sure he eats but there are just some nights, when I dont want to cook or he has to learn how to whip something up on his own.

Please give some advice ok, because we are really having some adjustment issues over here and I am just used to just doing whatever I do whenever I want to do it but certainly I take care of him.

[childress_london 3]

It's possible he thinks that because you are female, you are responsible for the meals, regardless of your other obligations. He needs to learn that both men and women are capable of cooking and making the meal and who does it depends on what the situation is for the day. Out of love and respect for you, he should be considerate of you and if you are tired or stressed from working or whatever that he should want to help you. Have you communicated to him these things? He probably is totally unaware and has no clue. He just thinks things are normal.

Oh, and Crockpots/slow cookers are awesome!

[Ban Hammer 13,504]

teach him about the 5 major food groups in the usa:

instant, take out, frozen, microwaved, and canned.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I agree that you should try to communicate with him. Tell him that you work just as hard as he does and some days you just dont have it in you to make a big meal.

It's probably him being completely unaware. If he IS aware and is just that inconsiderate, or unable to accept that he married a working woman....buy him a cookbook and say "have at it buddy" i kid... just talk to him.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Sandrilla.....my husband prefers a home cooked meal over any meal butttttttttttt he had a time at home when he didn't work and I did. When he went to work as many hours as I did I challenged him once. You come home, take care of the baby, do homework with the bigger kids and clean and fix dinner. Tell me how you have time for anything else? He did it, twice. He survived but he had a newfound respect for me. He then started helping more with the dishes and helping me cook in the kitchen.

Also, once, I want to tell you we were eating dinner out with my mother and my mother actually said do you get up and fix Ayman breakfast before he goes to work? Ayman said no this is just a different generation. I looked at him and said for the many months that you weren't working how many times did you fix something for me? He looked shocked and said never. I said see there you go...I had the male role of providing and you sat on your lazy bum and didn't help me out.

I'd try and talk to your guy and say hey, listen baby I work too. I'll cook dinner a x amount of nights a week, one night we can eat out and the other night you either cook for me or we eat sandwiches. Its just a fair thing...I'm a tired working momma and if you want some lovin' at night then you have to give me a break once in a while.

[MrsAmera 41]

We have had this on-going for some time now. When he first came I was at the same point as you are. It's 3 years later (going on 4) and he's much better. I make sure to keep things around that are easy for him to make. I hate to say it but really nagging won't work. Suck it up or let him starve LOL!

[caybee 21]

My husband comes in very late from work, and I often feel as you do, just not inspired to start cooking from scratch, especially late at night. I lived alone for a long time, and I'm used to the quick, one-person cooking, whereas he likes to use fresh veggies -- imagine that! -- and prefers something that doesn't come out of a box, can, or frozen bag. He's a good cook and will cook for himself without complaint if the ingredients are there and I'm too tired, but I know it makes him feel good to walk in the door to a hot meal.

I don't know the answer to your dilemma, but I'm gradually adapting to our schedule by making sure certain staples are always on hand and rotating a just few easy, from-scratch meals that we both like. That way, I don't have to be particularly inspired or creative. I hope to gather more recipes and use my crock pot more often, because I can do the prep when I do have the energy and then just let it cook itself until he gets in. My goal (not there yet) is to plan meals one day a week and do some prep (like chopping veggies) in advance. When everything works out, I spend maybe 15 - 20 minutes actively preparing a meal and another 30 to 60 waiting for it to cook, so I can do other things during the waiting time. The routine makes all the difference for me, and in the long run, we sure are eating healthier than when I try to save time with the preprocessed stuff. That stuff really doesn't save any time in the long run, and it costs a lot more.

It's an adjustment, for sure, especially for Americans who are so used to convenience food. Good luck.

[MrsAmera 41]

Oh something else I wanted to add - I spend a few hours on the weekends cooking and freezing meals. That way I can pull out and heat up and we're good to go. If he didnt' know I did this he wouldnt' be able to tell the difference! I can now count on him to cook 1-2 nights a week and he doesn't expect such elaborate meals anymore. PM and I can share some fast easy Moroccan dinners that will be good for all of you!

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Lisa, have you thought about a slow cooker? You can make just about anything. Set it and walk away. At least you would have the main part of your meal finished and would just have to make

the pasta, rice or potatoes. I use mine for everything...chili, roast, sauces, soups, etc.

One thing I always try to do is plan a week of my meals. When I have the time to use the stove, I make food dishes and freeze them for "take it out and micowave it"!

Best of luck!! Don't be frustrated....just try to work it out! Yes I have to agree...our men have been raised by stay at home moms

[allousa 1]

Hicham and I used to take turns cooking before he got stuck in Morocco and before kids.

When he came back, after being with his mom for four years.....WHEW....we had some problems. I had been doing everything for 2 years by myself and at first he didn't help out too much. Then one night, I sat him down and made a list of what I do. I made a column for him and lo and behold, there wasn't much in there. By this time he was working, but not as many hours as me. I was like....how would you feel if this was all of your responsibilities and I had the responsibilities in your column. Would you think that is fair?

That really seemed to click with him. And he is steadly getting better and better.

We have a system of taking turns cooking meals. Whomever cooks, the other will bathe/put our son to bed. I still end up doing the grocery shopping and a little more cooking, but he is really trying to make an effort. It's a constant work in progress. You know?

I think it's part cultural, but also a "man" thing as well. I don't mean to diss any men around here in these parts...but I just don't think men are as capable of multi-tasking like us chicks are.

Hicham isn't perfect...but he's a really good husband to me and a GREAT father. You just have to pick your battles!

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

He needs to learn that both men and women are capable of cooking and making the meal and who does it depends on what the situation is for the day. Out of love and respect for you, he should be considerate of you and if you are tired or stressed from working or whatever that he should want to help you. Have you communicated to him these things? He probably is totally unaware and has no clue. He just thinks things are normal.

I don't think that thought process really ever occurs to most MENA men. They are used to being raised by stay at home moms, Asian maids or their mother worked and still came home to do everything because that's what's expected. All they know is that women are expected to take care of cooking and house work regardless of their other obligations so they might not have ever learned how to cook anything beyond throwing a chunk of meat over a fire. They really do have to be taught a more feminist way of thinking if they are ever going to get by in the west but they're not going to learn it on their own.

Mine is learning how to make some Persian dishes. I told him I refuse to learn to cook anything Persian, not even my favorite Persian dish. I said I'll fix Italian, American, Mexican, Indian, Chinese, German, etc. But if you ever want Persian then buddy meet pot and pan cuz you're Persian so you're cooking. He's now learned how to cook Fesenjun, my favorite and one of the more time consuming dishes to make. I actually don't know why Hooman never learned to cook though, because his family is really quite liberal and progressive. His father is a long haired hippy that loves to cook and actually did most of the cooking in the family. Hoom just can't pry himself away from the computer.

Perhaps a chili strike is in order for the OP. Just fix up a huge pot of chili. Freeze individual servings and anytime he complains he's hungry then plop a bowl of nuked chili and store-bought bread in front of him til he decides he wants to learn to cook.

[Nothing1234 2]

My hubby and I take turns. He's home with the babies all day long which is a lot of work plus I work all day too. We pick out meals for the week and have one "lazy" day inbtwn the five days (like easy homemade pizza or grilled chicken salad). We made it fun...got a few cookbooks and picked out what we would make. We always have left overs and it works out great!

Just talk with him. I suggest making it something you can do together. We share all the chores...dishes, I wash/he dries and puts away, laundry: he washes, i fold and put away, etc. It's much easier this way and less pressure on one person.

My hubby is the oldest boy in his family and for sure he's been catered to all his life but after talking when he arrived he's easily transitioned to doing things around the house.

Best of luck!

[morocco4ever 63]

I am the one that does the cooking in our house. His would frighten me. But he did expect some pretty unrealistic things at first. I told him that I would be happy to quit my job to ensure that he has these elaborate meals as long as he was able to make up the loss of my income.

But one thing I did before he came, and continue to this day is that I plan one day for preparing food for the week. For instance, foods that require cooked hamburger with onions. I buy a large container of ground beef and cook the entire thing with the onions, and any necessary spices. I put them in ziplock bags and thaw them for the meals. My husband also enjoys kefta (meatballs). So while the other ground beef is cooking I am preparing these meatballs and forming them. I put these also in a ziplock bag and add the sauce on top. This will go into the crockpot before I go to work in the morning that I choose to fix this for dinner.

I will prepare any marinade at the time I purchase chicken. Then again, pour it into a ziplock bag with the chicken. I then remove it from the freezer in the morning before I go to work and plop it into the crock pot to cook for the day. When I get home I put it in the oven to brown while I make the salad.

My husband is a fried potatoes fan, but I also make several other dishes with cubed potatoes. So I will plan on one night making one of these potato dishes one night, but I peel and cube twice the amount. I then place the extra in a container. I cover the potatoes in water, then store in the fridge. The following day I merely have to drain and rinse the potatoes for that nights meals.

This actually becomes a lifestyle, but is well worth it in the long run.

[ya falaha! 0]

Does your husband care what kind of meals you prepare? I mean does he expect Moroccan meals or just any meal? Personally I don't have this problem cuz the mister will eat just about anything and it doesn't have to be mid east food. Eggs, hot dogs, frozen pizza, cheese sandwiches, canned tuna, etc. I was out of town for 4 days last week and the man survived on frozens, canned and eggs. Usually I'll have chicken breasts cut up and marinated in the fridge a few days out of the week. When I get home either he or I will fry it with onions or whatever and eat it with rice or noodle roni or the like. Boneless skinless chicken breasts are my best friend, lol. Last night, for example, I made mouloukhia with chicken and rice and it took like 30 mins to prep and cook. Like others have suggested, get yourself a slow cooker or perhaps cook a few meals and freeze them. On the weekends I'll cook a nice meal or we'll go out to eat. We usually go out or get take away once a week.

I feel for you though. My ex wanted elaborate meals most of the time but of course I was a stay at home so that was do-able then.

Edited February 25, 2009 by Astarte

[sara535 15]

I totally agree with the planning ahead thing. My husband is an excellent cook and makes dinner probably once a week - the rest of the time its me. we are not big on packaged/premade stuff although of course there are a always a few shortcuts. but I'm like M4E, as much leg work as you can do ahead of time - do it! when we are grilling chicken, I'll grill enough for the dinner then double it and cube it (cooked) to freeze or use the next day in enchiladas or to top super nachos or something like that. My husband makes moroccan bread fairly often and I've gotten him in the habit of making 4 or 5 loaves that we can freeze. The other good thing about the whole planning ahead mentality is that at least for us we hardly ever waste anything or throw it out. Everything ends up getting used. (plus I just think its healthier). Get yourself some ziploc freezer bags and just throw everything in the freezer

when we DO have shortcut meals its usually something like fish sandwiches (using frozen fish fillets) and tater tots (hubby LOVES them) or tacos or something like that.

but like everyone says, you'll have to communicate and find your own balance of sharing the workload, planning ahead, compromising sometimes, etc. You'll work it out