how much do I put up with before deciding on divorce?

[Sandrila 1]

And in some way I feel like it's my fault. I'm sure in some way there is something I could have done to stop this from getting so bad. I know there are some cultural differences - although occassionally I try to show him that, but he says that's not cultural, that it's a problem in me. Or he agrees and talks about how it is a disease with Americans.

What I am learning is that we somehow women, we think it is our fault. IF I don’t talk back, if I don’t disagree, if I stay locked up in my house and become isolated from everyone else then he wont be angry with me, then I am being obedient.

Although most of his comfort with being controlling and verbally abusive are individual characteristics, there is no doubt in my mind that how he was raised and what he considers right and wrong, based what he acceptable in his culture, also contribute to the person he is.

Yeah I hear about the “American” way and how I should change it well that statement can apply equally for him. He can start to take charge and change “his” dominant traits. As you know the harder it is for someone to change but it is not possible. We love someone and marry them for they are not because we want or have to change them.

You are married and sadly sometimes even marriage, especially those formed through cyberspace, do not enable us to fully know the person we are with.

I know he is not beating me or anything like that.

Not yet but there are already some alarming instances where he “could” be.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

And in some way I feel like it's my fault. I'm sure in some way there is something I could have done to stop this from getting so bad. I know there are some cultural differences - although occassionally I try to show him that, but he says that's not cultural, that it's a problem in me. Or he agrees and talks about how it is a disease with Americans.

What I am learning is that we somehow women, we think it is our fault. IF I don't talk back, if I don't disagree, if I stay locked up in my house and become isolated from everyone else then he wont be angry with me, then I am being obedient.

Although most of his comfort with being controlling and verbally abusive are individual characteristics, there is no doubt in my mind that how he was raised and what he considers right and wrong, based what he acceptable in his culture, also contribute to the person he is.

Yeah I hear about the "American" way and how I should change it well that statement can apply equally for him. He can start to take charge and change "his" dominant traits. As you know the harder it is for someone to change but it is not possible. We love someone and marry them for they are not because we want or have to change them.

You are married and sadly sometimes even marriage, especially those formed through cyberspace, do not enable us to fully know the person we are with.

I know he is not beating me or anything like that.

Not yet but there are already some alarming instances where he "could" be.

Just because you don't have a bruise or scars or a cut or broken bones don't mean it's not ABUSE...abuse comes in many forms (always) remember that!

[SMOKE 1,426]

trelawny: i like that siggy. whos quote is that?

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore... and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

trelawny: i like that siggy. whos quote is that?

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore... and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Smoke, I can't remember...but I live by it.

[Sandrila 1]

The one who said the length of my original post showed how stressed I have become over this, was right.

well i also want to add from you new response, now you are calmed down and i know have had time to take in all the others have advised.

Sometimes when you think about the REALITY of divorce, the REALITY of "making him get out!" you start to make up excuses and reconsider.

You start to justify his actions more or blame yourself more for the issues.

Marriage, even under the most convential circumstances HERE IN USA, take ALOT of work and effort.

it is easier to walk away then put forth the work to keep it together. But having to sustain pure unhappiness, uncertainty, mistreatment and lack of trust, honestly it is better to cut your losses.

I agree, when he threatens divorce again and again, GET SERIOUS! take him up on it. Sometimes you really have to SHOW your serious

and go to extreme lengths to make them listen and get the change they are demanding from you, from them.

Good luck and God give you strength and patience during this very trying time.

[tanyaru 3]

because of the way you are thats why i said that...you as a wife has to submit yourself to your husband...you are not ready to do that.

what you were talking was such an immature thing...talking about not brushing the teeth and about your dog...etc etc.. i mean if you are matured enough and ready to be a wife...you wont talk something like that against your husband...if you think you dont love your husband anymore then file for divorce...you dont need to elaborate all the things that he does..my gosh...if your not a housewife type then just be his wife.

Wow, I didn't know that once married I have to submit myself to my husband... Me and OP still have personality after marriage which is according to your post is not very mature.

[Armando Y Iris 0]

RUN LITTLE SISTER, RUN!!! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU MARRY SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T REALLY KNOW IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[nurse1967 287]

Thank you Visajourney for helping me an my husband navigate through getting a K1 visa and doing AOS. Where is the Post Icon of a broken heart? Now my marital ship is taking on some serious water. I think we might sink.

I am not a housewife type. I am not happy having life revolve around food - that is, cooking, and cleaning up after the cooking and the eating. And cleaning. His idea of clean is not mine. My idea of cleaning is keeping everything sanitary enough that ants, flys, cockroaches, and other bugs, plus mold or things like salmonella, that none of these things are encouraged to live with us. This causes conflict. I don't know how much I can change before it drives me crazy or at least makes me into someone I do not want to be. There are things in life to do and experience and unless the domestic activities are personally fulfilling to the person doing them, for ME it seems like a waste of time.

There are bedroom issues too. He won't listen to me when I try to describe how a bad day or being yelled at effects my interest in any action happening in the bedroom. I can't say too much more before it would be indecent of me. I let him "have me" too many times when I didn't want to. Now the culminating act is uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I tried to describe this too him so we could work it out. Maybe there is a communication issue. His english is good enough for most days, but maybe not good enough for this? He won't brush his teeth and they look bad. I know my breathe is not good either, but trying to not smell his when we are intimate - plus not wanting to breathe into his nose - makes for a tense scenario for me. Which is part of my tension at that time.

He doesn't like my sister. They had some issues. She certainly has her problems, but he insists on describing them to her in glaring terms trying to make me not like her as much, or maybe just to make me see who she really is. And he says he doesn't want her to think he is keeping me from talking to her. He thinks I only defend her, but that I don't defend him when she says something not so nice about him. I know I need to be cautious with how I say things to her or it will cause her to get the wrong idea (she feels the whole world is against her sometimes - and given her past I can understand somewhat why) and make the whole situation escalate out of control. He does not want to see that I am trying to do that. They are both strong willed.

He does not treat my dog very well. She is my dog and I should have say over how she is treated. She is shy, easily spooked. She seems to react that way more in response to men. He likes to chase her and some dogs see that as play (today he did that and did something so she yipped a couple times - he said that he was trying to teach her to act like a real dog), but she shakes and her tail tucks and if he raises her hand she cowers down. I see things that alarm me. It's starting to get abusive and I don't want her to live her remaining time shaking and being chased. I fear she might slip running away down the steps. She is getting old and be already slips sometimes without being chased. I start to feel that this is a bad situation for her and I need to get her out of it. That makes me wonder if maybe it's bad for me too. Or maybe I've just been reading too much about animals mirroring us - and sometimes showing us what our emotions are telling us even if we don't see it so clearly.

I make many tiny mistakes rather often and he does not want to hear "I'm sorry." I feel he over reacts and gets more irritated than the situation warrants. I noticed my body language feels like I'm trying to make him feel like he has been punishing enough and please to stop because I can't take much more. I used to cry. When I became hysterical he would finally stop and go all nice. Once I would calm down he would go, "I didn't want you to be this upset. But...." Now I just feel doowwwwwn. My heart feels heavy.

He puts me down with words. And of course he's "just" trying to point out areas where I need work. He says I only make excuses. I've heard of breaking someone down to build them back up, but... when will he build me back up?

He threatens divorce. He talks about going to other girls if I don't change.

He says I'm only thinking about myself, that I am not thinking about his feelings. He gets mad and I get verrrry sad. You know that kind of sad where you don't feel like you have energy to stand up, and you might notice you stomach feels empty, but you don't really care? When I'm like that, I don't know how to see his feelings. All I see is anger, and it does not feel justified. He said I always have an excuse, "tell me what it will be tomorrow so I'll know early." The idea of jumping up to make him food makes me feel like I would be reacting out of fear of his reaction. That makes me feel like I am about to act like a door mat. After the last two days, I'm always waiting for something to happen accidentally to set him off again. Is that a way to live? Fearing what the other person will do if you don't have dinner ready on time?

There are other things too. I'm trying to keep it to the ones that hurt or concern me the most. Did I say he started snapping pens and has started throwing things when he feels mad? He says in his culture if the wife was like I am, the husband would hit her.

I get compared to women from his country.

And in some way I feel like it's my fault. I'm sure in some way there is something I could have done to stop this from getting so bad. I know there are some cultural differences - although occassionally I try to show him that, but he says that's not cultural, that it's a problem in me. Or he agrees and talks about how it is a disease with Americans. The way he says it, I start to be offended. Sometimes he isn't quite serious, but I have always had some trouble knowing if he was joking. I know he changed a lot of things when he came here. I don't know how much more I can change. And I don't know if I want to be the person I would have to become if I changed certain things.

There is this widening gulf between us. I didn't want it to be this way. I don't know how to fix it. If it can be fixed. Or if it is too much for me. I don't know how to cater to him without losing myself. Will catering to him make him listen to how I feel? I know it would be bad to bring a child into this, so getting pregnant is out.

He is smart. He can figure people out very quickly. He learns quickly too, and his memory is much better than mine. He does not understand that he has an advantage in these areas. He trusts his ideas about people. But sometimes he is wrong or does not have the right info, coming from a different cultural background. He does not distinguish between the two. Whatever, it makes me second guess myself, from all the things he tells me about me. In the areas he is correct about, it's good to know, but the way he says it to me is not tactful. Which of these things is he right about, and which ones are flat out WRONG?

I know he is not beating me or anything like that. I don't know if he would or not. With the pen breaking and the knocking things over, increasingly foul language, the talk about what he would do I was from his country, it makes me wonder. He says things in anger and does not censor himself, but it makes me consider if he might one day do something. My first husband was rather a wimp and even though I imagined he might do something, I never really had the feeling that he would. With this man, I do not know.

How long do I sit through this? I rack my mind trying to think of what I could say or do, but I am not savvy or street smart. Everything I say is wrong or makes things worse. He pushes me verbally for answers. Sometimes the question is a loaded question, and many times I do not know how to answer. For example, the question should not be if the man is justified in cheating because his wife would not "sleep" with him, the question should be, "why does she not want to sleep with him." "Sleeping" with someone, in what experience I do have, has usually been uncomfortable because I get tense. I think the only thing that would please him, is if I took a shower right now and put on feminine clothes, and when he comes up for bed, go up to him and say that I'm sorry I've been a bad wife and have not been sleeping with him, and maybe cry and go on about how wrong I was and how I will only cook things from his country from now on, and it will always be on time. It's not good to do "that" if it hurts, and I can't see living life around the kitchen. That is sooooo not me. Do I have to do that to make this work out?

Come on VJers, I really need some support right now. He is all edges right now and I'm already treading one. What are my options?

I'm so mentally and emotionally drained.

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

[JODO 2]

People who have no problems being cruel to animals is a HUGE warning sign to me. Run, don't walk, towards the nearest divorce attorney...!

Actually from my understanding as well , abuse of animals is also a sign of a latent serial killer. The next time your husband "threatens" you with divorce, I'd say, "You promise?".

[Mford019 0]

GET OUT! To the commenter about people from PI, well you know what, I wont waste anymore words on you.

[JODO 2]

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

There's plenty of stuff on VJ that can be disheartening, but does that mean that people should not be able to post their actual experiences? No. I see that you just joined and if you are already disheartened from this one post, then I pity the fact that you are going through the Egyptian embassy.

[LaL 418]

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

This *is* a support site, and often when things go badly - immigration is also part of the mix. There is no reason why posts like the original posts like this do not belong here. Its almost as if you are suggesting that their visa part of the journey is over and therefore this site isnt a good fit. My best suggestion is to wait until your SO arrives and you find out how amazingly difficult the adjustment process is.

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I'm so sorry for your situation. No one should have to live like that, I hope that you manage to resolve this somehow and have a better life. As a vet, I agree with the others who have said that abusing animals is often a sign that the person will develop to abusing people also.

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

I'm sorry, but the name of this subforum does give a clue that people posting here aren't exactly in ideal situations, so maybe just don't read these threads if you don't want to hear anything not completely positive about relationships? People posting here often have immigration-related questions due to their changed circumstances, so need support from those who have been in similar situations.

[Ban Hammer 13,135]

The one who said the length of my original post showed how stressed I have become over this, was right.

hey you women make up your mind, now size does matter!

[miss g 1]

The one who said the length of my original post showed how stressed I have become over this, was right.

hey you women make up your mind, now size does matter!

everyone knows its not the size but the skill!