how much do I put up with before deciding on divorce?

[Waldo 0]

If he is not willing to change for her then I'd say anytime. I don't think she is bad wife.

That's the thing. He never changed. If she didn't know him, got married to him, now wants to divorce him because he is everything she never wanted,... that would constitute a real big problem in my book. Thats what Dane is saying and bmtrrbt but everyone just keeps saying oh he's and #### girl friend get a divorce. Next time this gal should take a REAL LONG TIME to decide if it's the right one and what things she'll have to sacrifice in order to make a relationship. Obviously they didn't know each other.

waldo, that getting sick thing and the diarrhea.. it was just a carefully calculated ruse to see if if shed do it right? It's so nice that your wife shared with you... Thats what marriage is all about!!!

yea...my wife too...clever devil...1 week before getting married she got food poisoning and a fever, and i had to carry her back home, after 30 minutes of vomiting (all over me mind you)

whenever im with her its a race to see who wakes up first to kiss the other person...bad breath or not.

and to further the point that this is superficial BS, i dont care if my wife just put down onions in fried garlic and fish curry.

if shes in the mood...shes rackin' em im breakin' em.

marriage is not all about good breath and some foreign fabio sweeping you off your feet.

mind you that most of you guys are newly weds, and before you sit there and forecast someone elses marriage and life, id probably take a step back and think if the fate you are predicting is the one that you are doomed to.

divorce has a societal stigma that is attributed to it so that society can function? maybe, but you have to live in this society, and believe it or not...most people care if everyone sees them as a 3 time divorcee

Yeah I took the dive and ate the strategically poisoned beef heart. Sounds like you are set for life if she is going to share her meal even partially digested with you then you've got the sharing thing nailed!

I've laid my rules down before I got married. I'm lucky because I made sure my love was unconditional. If I didn't KNOW my wife was someone I could wake up every day and deal with the things that come with being married to her. Seems a lot of you should take notes!

But whatever, if you want to say forever and you mean next year then I guess he is just as much of a idiot you say he really is. You should get a divorce. Maybe he'll learn to MAKE SURE his wife knows what his expectations are in the relationship, and maybe just maybe you will learn to make YOUR intentions are clear.

Edited February 26, 2009 by Waldo

[sj5 4]

If he is not willing to change for her then I'd say anytime. I don't think she is bad wife.

That's the thing. He never changed. If she didn't know him, got married to him, now wants to divorce him because he is everything she never wanted,... that would constitute a real big problem in my book. Thats what Dane is saying and bmtrrbt but everyone just keeps saying oh he's and #### girl friend get a divorce. Next time this gal should take a REAL LONG TIME to decide if it's the right one and what things she'll have to sacrifice in order to make a relationship. Obviously they didn't know each other.

waldo, that getting sick thing and the diarrhea.. it was just a carefully calculated ruse to see if if shed do it right?

yea...my wife too...clever devil...1 week before getting married she got food poisoning and a fever, and i had to carry her back home, after 30 minutes of vomiting (all over me mind you)

whenever im with her its a race to see who wakes up first to kiss the other person...bad breath or not.

and to further the point that this is superficial BS, i dont care if my wife just put down onions in fried garlic and fish curry.

if shes in the mood...shes rackin' em im breakin' em.

marriage is not all about good breath and some foreign fabio sweeping you off your feet.

mind you that most of you guys are newly weds, and before you sit there and forecast someone elses marriage and life, id probably take a step back and think if the fate you are predicting is the one that you are doomed to.

divorce has a societal stigma that is attributed to it so that society can function? maybe, but you have to live in this society, and believe it or not...most people care if everyone sees them as a 3 time divorcee

Seriously, the poster should seek a License Marriage Family Therapist with her husband. We don't really know why he is sloppy and abusive.

To OP

Ask your husband "why". Ask him when there is no argument.

Edited February 26, 2009 by VJ's Opportunist

[trinket 30]

Dane first off you did call someone an IDIOT that is against TOS, so there you did do the name calling. You also called a few other names indirectly (as in Texan reference)

For you marriage is forever, for a lot of others including me, my sanity is forever and not sticking with something just for the sake of sticking with it. Yes you should try to work on your marriage and all the blah blah but obviously if two people living together aren't happy anymore, aren't in love with each other anymore and various other reasons, should better depart.

You brought up a point about having children, I personally wouldn't like to bring up kids in an environment where both the parents are fighting each and every day of their life and making life hell for themselves and for their kids; in these circumstances its better to move out of the relationship from each other but not move out of children's life, have some arrangements and work with it.

The whole topic wasn't just about bad breathes, it had more things, it had basic communication problem, it had man & woman role problem. Why should she get rid of the dog? I don't see saying bye to all my childhood friends, my college friends just because my husband is jealous of me having any male friends and thankfully he isn't. Dog has been an integral part of this lady's life, so you just can't say to get rid of the dog. And no, I don't believe that if the Man isn't treating the dog right then he is some kind of serial killer either. In a lot of countries pets aren't in your normal day to day life, so they don't feel the attachment to a pet that easily and it may be the same case for the husband.

To OP as others have stated, you two need counseling, try to salvage whatever is left and if nothing else then don't hesitate to say adios to each other either.

Edited February 26, 2009 by trinket

[confuzzled 0]

Wow. I can't keep up with this.

Early on I did try to start the conversation about household roles and what we should expect from each other. But I couldn't get a straight answer from him. He said, "we'll figure that out later." My assumption was that he was open to non-traditional roles and we would settle it when he got here.

Hm. House cleaning. A house clean enough to prevent pests means the sink does not pile up with dirty dishes. Someone jumped on my description of what I think is a clean enough house. That means it is not TRASHY like that person described.

Someone thought I wrote like I was in a victorian novel. Well that is how I talk too. It is even the terms I use when I think about the topic of intimacy. I don't think this is an appropriate place to speak about private bedroom stuff, so I was simply trying to keep it as clean as I could.

Now, I am not "throwing away" the marriage easily. He has threatened divorce since the second month we were married. This thread got long so perhaps my description of what I plan to do next was lost from the sight of those people.

Yes, I do have faults. Normal stuff, like I'll be 3 minutes late picking him up from work (when he worked). I do stupid little stuff like that. A lot. Forget there are 9 messages on the answering machine instead of 8, and so I delete message 8 which I thought was the last and we didn't need it. But he hadn't heard the message.

Gotta go.

[sj5 4]

Wow. I can't keep up with this.

Early on I did try to start the conversation about household roles and what we should expect from each other. But I couldn't get a straight answer from him. He said, "we'll figure that out later." My assumption was that he was open to non-traditional roles and we would settle it when he got here.

Hm. House cleaning. A house clean enough to prevent pests means the sink does not pile up with dirty dishes. Someone jumped on my description of what I think is a clean enough house. That means it is not TRASHY like that person described.

Someone thought I wrote like I was in a victorian novel. Well that is how I talk too. It is even the terms I use when I think about the topic of intimacy. I don't think this is an appropriate place to speak about private bedroom stuff, so I was simply trying to keep it as clean as I could.

Now, I am not "throwing away" the marriage easily. He has threatened divorce since the second month we were married. This thread got long so perhaps my description of what I plan to do next was lost from the sight of those people.

Yes, I do have faults. Normal stuff, like I'll be 3 minutes late picking him up from work (when he worked). I do stupid little stuff like that. A lot. Forget there are 9 messages on the answering machine instead of 8, and so I delete message 8 which I thought was the last and we didn't need it. But he hadn't heard the message. He would go crazy if I was his wife.

Gotta go.

Not good sign.

Edited February 26, 2009 by VJ's Opportunist

[morocco4ever 63]

guys, lets keep in mind before you jump down the husbands throat, that this is basically a disgruntled woman coming online to feel empowered.

if a husband came on here and started bitching like this, i would say the same thing.

its fantastic that you would think about divorce after 1.5 years...

this is what i detest about modern american morals. when you get married, you are making a promise to each other that you are going to stay with each other no matter what. (not just if your sposes teeth are splashed with listerine, or if he likes your dog, or if the sex is great)

i love the corn balls that, come online and are the first ones to scream DUMP HIM!! FORCED SEXZ IS TEH BAD!!11!one!!1

ABUSING AMINALZ IS 4 CEREAL KILLAZ!!!

i read this womans essay on how horrible her husband is, and you know what?!

if your idea of clean is wiped down, sanitary enough so that there are no insects or rats etc...you have problems, if you have "clean" dishes with almost no food on them laying all over the kitchen and cloths thrown about the house and ###### laying all over but its "clean" guess what?! ITS NOT CLEAN! and YOUR A PIG!

if i walk into my kitchen and there is ###### strewn about helter skelter, and a sink full of dishes, and the dogs pulling stuff out of the trash can. im going to call my wife and demand some god damned answers, and whoop that dogs ####, i dont care if the dog is an heirloom from her dear departed aunt tilly.

and u know what else? im not holding any double standards here. if my wife walks into my garage, and sees engine parts strewn about, a disabled car, tranny fluid all over the floor, calls me in there and tells me that shits not going to fly like this in her house. im going to be a grouchy little indian and clean up my mess. if the yard is a mess with leaves or the snow is not shoveled, i know my wife and shes going to stab me.

as far as sex:

im a guy, and my view is as follows: it is your mutual responsibilities to keep each other satisfied.

if you want him to brush his teeth before you go to bed, then yes he should brush his teeth before he goes to bed, and do essentially what it takes to keep you happy.

but if he was sex 2 times a night 7 days a week... then pony up...hes gotta do it for you too.

forced sex? i doubt hes raping you, as in punching you out, and literally forcing him self onto you, i can however believe he insists on sex...which is not uncommon, its something married folks do...bang him.

as far as your dog:

its a dog, if its causing trouble in your marriage...get rid of it.

and people need to keep in mind that she has some awful habits of her own that shes not even mentioning here...how do you know what shes like? dont support her divorcing her husband! stuff like this is the the characterization of the decay of moral standards in this country. you should have know about his machismo before you married him. you made your bed..now lay in it.

OBVIOUSLY IF HES BEATING YOU UP, AND RAPING YOUR DOG, AND KILLING BABIES...devoice him

What an amazingly ignorant post.

[morocco4ever 63]

i think we've been conned. again.

do you know any american who talks this way, "submit to my husband".... "hurts me below" and other similar phrases? i feel like i'm reading a historical romance book, as the heroine explains the travails she went thru while married to an abusive husband.

if there's anything i've learned in my stay here in the US is that americans are so brutally frank and have no qualms calling a spade a spade.... or in this case, a rape a rape.

perhaps i'm just a cynic or perhaps i just can't imagine anyone allowing another person to treat them the way the OP was supposedly treated. besides, the police is just a phone call away. aside from that, the OP is the citizen, not the other way around.

but then again, i'm just from the village and therefore, i know nothing.

Unfortunately there are so many Americans that DON'T speak up about abuse. You won't know them because they are the ones sitting quietly in the corner covering up the abuse. I know because I did it for 15 years. It wasn't physical, but mental. And trust me the scars are still there. I am one of the lucky ones that after putting up with it for that long finally took the steps towards freedom. What I have learned from my ordeal? They don't change, and I deserve to be treated with respect.

[JSVP08 3]

The great question...which I have not been able to answer is.... "What does a woman want?"

- Dumas

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

Wow. I can't keep up with this.

Early on I did try to start the conversation about household roles and what we should expect from each other. But I couldn't get a straight answer from him. He said, "we'll figure that out later." My assumption was that he was open to non-traditional roles and we would settle it when he got here.

Hm. House cleaning. A house clean enough to prevent pests means the sink does not pile up with dirty dishes. Someone jumped on my description of what I think is a clean enough house. That means it is not TRASHY like that person described.

Someone thought I wrote like I was in a victorian novel. Well that is how I talk too. It is even the terms I use when I think about the topic of intimacy. I don't think this is an appropriate place to speak about private bedroom stuff, so I was simply trying to keep it as clean as I could.

Now, I am not "throwing away" the marriage easily. He has threatened divorce since the second month we were married. This thread got long so perhaps my description of what I plan to do next was lost from the sight of those people.

Yes, I do have faults. Normal stuff, like I'll be 3 minutes late picking him up from work (when he worked). I do stupid little stuff like that. A lot. Forget there are 9 messages on the answering machine instead of 8, and so I delete message 8 which I thought was the last and we didn't need it. But he hadn't heard the message.

Gotta go.

Confuzzled, I sent you a PM...please don't let the ignorant comments on here get to you. It's also sad that people can't appreciate someone who writes as eloquently as you do. It doesn't come very often on here, so "Victorian novel" or not, your ability to express yourself, and your plight, is a gift.

I reiterate what I said, and some other VJers, have said earlier; abuse is still abuse at the end of the day. You need to look after yourself, first and foremost, and to remove yourself and the dog from that househould and your husband's life. Seek help from a third party, secure what you can financially and get away. Nobody deserves to undergo such a hellish trial.

Hugs -- please take care of yourself.

Magpie.

[yogib37 3]

'submit to your husband'

i just have to wonder. with all of the women replying in here, they must not be too busy submitting to their husband.

Chit disturber you are Charles

[childress_london 3]

Wow. I can't keep up with this.

Early on I did try to start the conversation about household roles and what we should expect from each other. But I couldn't get a straight answer from him. He said, "we'll figure that out later." My assumption was that he was open to non-traditional roles and we would settle it when he got here.

Hm. House cleaning. A house clean enough to prevent pests means the sink does not pile up with dirty dishes. Someone jumped on my description of what I think is a clean enough house. That means it is not TRASHY like that person described.

Someone thought I wrote like I was in a victorian novel. Well that is how I talk too. It is even the terms I use when I think about the topic of intimacy. I don't think this is an appropriate place to speak about private bedroom stuff, so I was simply trying to keep it as clean as I could.

Now, I am not "throwing away" the marriage easily. He has threatened divorce since the second month we were married. This thread got long so perhaps my description of what I plan to do next was lost from the sight of those people.

Yes, I do have faults. Normal stuff, like I'll be 3 minutes late picking him up from work (when he worked). I do stupid little stuff like that. A lot. Forget there are 9 messages on the answering machine instead of 8, and so I delete message 8 which I thought was the last and we didn't need it. But he hadn't heard the message.

Gotta go.

Confuzzled, I sent you a PM...please don't let the ignorant comments on here get to you. It's also sad that people can't appreciate someone who writes as eloquently as you do. It doesn't come very often on here, so "Victorian novel" or not, your ability to express yourself, and your plight, is a gift.

I reiterate what I said, and some other VJers, have said earlier; abuse is still abuse at the end of the day. You need to look after yourself, first and foremost, and to remove yourself and the dog from that househould and your husband's life. Seek help from a third party, secure what you can financially and get away. Nobody deserves to undergo such a hellish trial.

Hugs -- please take care of yourself.

Magpie.

[yogib37 3]

OH MY GOD!!! THE LIMEY SPELLS 110% RIGHT ALL THE TIME. LET US ALL STAND AND APPLAUD THIS PERSONS ABILITIES OF SPELLING MISTAKE RECOGNITION!!! 3 CHEERS!! ....

shut up you pretentious idiot. you dont WAIT for anything to divorce someone, divorce is a option that is intended for a abusive relationships, or unforeseen circumstances, maybe even infidelity.

these days people like you use divorce as a get out of jail free card, its not get out of jail free...sit down and DO YOUR GOD DAMNED TIME.

you FAIL! AT LIFE! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS!

whats with the name calling?

Personally, I want to see how long your wife puts up with a man with an attitude like yours.

I agree. I'm glad I'm not married to dane. Marriage should not be like "time" done in prison. LOL. I feel sorry for you dane. Hope your "time" goes quickly. Ha ha...

the hell are you people talking about...

the point i was trying to make was marriage is not not a suit u can return if you dont like it....its something you have to live with! so choose wisely before you jump into something, or u will be morally obligated to live with your choice.

dont feel sorry for me sister, my wifes gorgeous, we get along great, im her her living breathing security blanket and shes mine, we both make great money, and we have support from our friends and family, we are both the same race, religion, caste, creed, you name it.

by the way...just because we are discussing random and totally unrelated things like spelling, my marriage, purple bear ninjas...im 25 shes 23...and the sex?...yea...be jealous

so dont feel sorry...

OH no!!! we have other ERIC talking about his duba duba and how great he under the sheets..

who cares I wont be jealous of you :blink:

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Wow. I can't keep up with this.

Early on I did try to start the conversation about household roles and what we should expect from each other. But I couldn't get a straight answer from him. He said, "we'll figure that out later." My assumption was that he was open to non-traditional roles and we would settle it when he got here.

Hm. House cleaning. A house clean enough to prevent pests means the sink does not pile up with dirty dishes. Someone jumped on my description of what I think is a clean enough house. That means it is not TRASHY like that person described.

Someone thought I wrote like I was in a victorian novel. Well that is how I talk too. It is even the terms I use when I think about the topic of intimacy. I don't think this is an appropriate place to speak about private bedroom stuff, so I was simply trying to keep it as clean as I could.

Now, I am not "throwing away" the marriage easily. He has threatened divorce since the second month we were married. This thread got long so perhaps my description of what I plan to do next was lost from the sight of those people.

Yes, I do have faults. Normal stuff, like I'll be 3 minutes late picking him up from work (when he worked). I do stupid little stuff like that. A lot. Forget there are 9 messages on the answering machine instead of 8, and so I delete message 8 which I thought was the last and we didn't need it. But he hadn't heard the message.

Gotta go.

Confuzzled, I sent you a PM...please don't let the ignorant comments on here get to you. It's also sad that people can't appreciate someone who writes as eloquently as you do. It doesn't come very often on here, so "Victorian novel" or not, your ability to express yourself, and your plight, is a gift.

I reiterate what I said, and some other VJers, have said earlier; abuse is still abuse at the end of the day. You need to look after yourself, first and foremost, and to remove yourself and the dog from that househould and your husband's life. Seek help from a third party, secure what you can financially and get away. Nobody deserves to undergo such a hellish trial.

Hugs -- please take care of yourself.

Magpie.

so true...don't matter what form

[Mags 112]

Less of the personal attacks in this thread, please. It IS possible to discuss the matter at hand without name calling and so on.

Thanks.

[confuzzled 0]

I want so much to try and make this work out.

Now he is finding reasons to yell at me. I need to contact my mother about some tax info and I couldn't find the number. It's on a green scrap of paper. He has been keeping track of how long it took me to look for that info and using that length of time to insult me about how long it was taking me, and the breakdown of the American family structure. I just found the info last night and today I looked for the number. As I was looking he stopped me to ask if I told her yet and I told him I was looking for the number. Simple, right? Well apparently I'm making excuses. Obviously, if I can't find it I will call someone who has it. He followed me down the stairs to insist that I can only make excuses and he would not listen to what I was saying. Seriously, I wish I had a tape recorder so I could dictate the "conversation."

Last night he was starting to make his moves and he was going slow and that was fine. But then I smiled and laughed softly. Apparently people don't do that!? He got all huffy, moved away, and turned to face away from me. Seriously, he said, "have you ever seen people do that in a movie?" Hmm. There I thought he always changed the channel when people started kissing and such.

Does it have to be in a movie for it to be something people do? How much has he actually seen? I could have sworn that I have seen people on tv do the same smile and laugh kind of thing that I did last night, in a very tame movie. The kind where they are trying to show a gentle caring time. From what I've read, smiling and laughing can help with relaxing into the moment. And that is a good thing.

We went somewhere with an aunt last night and he was good. I was feeling a glimmer of optimism. He's so nice and easy going when people are around. It makes me hope. And then if I do the wrong thing, and I never know what the wrong thing might be until I do it, he gets irritable and mad. That leads to the insulting I mentioned. Then sorry doesn't work, not saying anything doesn't work, and telling him what happened doesn't work.

Edited February 26, 2009 by confuzzled