So I've Never Been a Spouse Before

[rebeccajo 14]

Well, of course there will be change. It's two LIFETIMES, you know. Look how your life has changed in the last year. Imagine how much it changes, if by nothing more than happenstance, in say 10, 25.....50 years.

We have only been married 4 months. But I was married before for 26 years and it was a sad sad marriage. I feel as if I could write a book about life, how it changes you, and yet....well, how beneath whatever else happens that causes people to change, there is still the core of the person you stood beside at the altar.

When lifes troubles happen, both big and small, you need that one constant thing. A deep, abiding love that consists of respect, admiration and truth.

If that dies.......the soul pours out......withers and dies.

But if you can catch that love, that one true love....than all the other changes else will pale.

Edited February 12, 2006 by rebeccajo

[MrMrsKnight 0]

When lifes troubles happen, both big and small, you need that one constant thing. A deep, abiding love that consists of respect, admiration and truth.

If that dies.......the soul pours out......withers and dies.

But if you can catch that love, that one true love....than all the other changes else will pale.

Wow couldn't have said it better myself..... Dave and I both rely on that feeling to remain strong, and beautiful to each other!

[Fischkoepfin 1]

Being married is fun if you're willing to work hard on it.

Before I got married we had already lived together for a while and I thought that nothing would change. And not much did change dramatically for us even though our relationship has grown ever closer and we've gotten to know each other better. However, there was also a different feeling of responsibility that came with being married. Suddenly, my legal duties changed as well as my legal righs which was weird. And it was also weird that I now had to refer to my husband as my husband and not as my boyfriend. It's just a small change in terminology, but it still took a while to get used to it.

As to the moving in together-part: I can only recommend talking about things before you move in together. It is a good idea to not only talk about standards of cleanliness, but also to discuss the household chores and the way they are split. Ideally, both partners should do have to do something they like and something they don't like in the household. Alternatively, you can split everything between both partners rather than having different chores. It could even be a good idea to use a calendar to make sure that things get done equally at least in the first few months, since a fight over household chores is pointless and draining.

As time evolves, things will change. For example, what really ticked my off was the fact that my husband used the bathroom standing up. But according to our original planning, I had to clean the bathroom. So I convinced him that it was not my job to to clean the bathroom if he was the one causing the urine spots everywhere, and we switched chores. So, it is necessary to keep updating repsonsibilities and to talk about certain issues that will arise even if it's comfortable.

As for alone-time, I'm a big proponent of each partner having his/her own room. For one thing, there can always be times when it is more convenient to sleep apart (like when the other is sick, works until late, needs to get up very early, etc). But having you own room also allows you to have your own space which you decorate according to your personal tastes. Furthermore, a separate room will allow you to go to whenever you feel the need to be alone. It's normal too need some downtime by yourself. It's possible that you will not feel the need to be alone for a while, but eventually the time will come. Of course, it's not always possible to have that much living space; we have two bedrooms currently, one for him, which we use together, and one for me which serves as my office.

The most important thing in marriage is to find a balance between your needs and your partners needs. It's great to do anything to make the other person happy and comfortable, but it is not good if this effort neglects your own needs and desires. And because everyone's needs and desires change, it's important to keep the dialogue open, and to never assume everything is worked out and fixed in stone.

[ChristinaM 0]

I was like you, Pax, in that I'd never cohabited either. I've found that the bulk of the issues we have are over petty things; I'm by no means house-proud, but Chris would be a complete slob if I let him, he cooks differently to me, control of the TV remote, him getting into my car and changing all my heat settings and radio station - even though I wouldn't DREAM of getting into his car as a passenger and doing the same thing... Really silly little things. I'm learning the fine and delicate art of picking my battles so that we meet somewhere in the middle. You have to decide which bits you feel staunchly enough about to fight for, and which things you'll let slide for the sake of a bit of peace and quiet!

Having your own time is important, even if you don't have your own space. We live in a one-bed apartment, so it's not practical to have a room each, but not getting an earful when I want to read a book or be online is important to me.

A *HUGE* thing for me is that we're on different time schedules. Chris has a lousy sleep pattern (delayed sleep phase issues) and whilst he's not working at the moment, he has no need to be up in the early morning to study. I, however, have to be at work by 8am. I find it extremely trying that he will be up until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then not get out of bed until midday. It means that his "8-hour study day" doesn't start until I'm almost done for the day, and it cuts down our quality time together and also means that he doesn't come to bed when I do, my bedtime gets pushed back (but I still have to get up) or comes to bed with a flashlight and reads. None of those are conducive to me sleeping properly, so I'm tired a lot of the time and that makes me cranky. It's really important to be on the same page about that, because it's something of a flashpoint between us right now.

I'm sorry, that turned into more of a rant than helpful advice, but please take what you will from it!!

[silvanski 1]

Well for one thing, I can't leave my clothes hanging around in various places hehehe