So I've Never Been a Spouse Before

[britbird 4]

It is tricky...but tricky in a nice way.

I definitely agree with the 'do not go to bed mad and don't continue to be mad' advice. I also very much agree with the 'i love you' part...there are ways of saying that so it doesn't have to be a cliched moment, but I think it is good advice.

Having your own part of the house is VERY important (to me anyway)...I was so happy when I got myself a desk - it has my stuff in it and on it and it's mine to do with as I please. That made a huge difference to me as before I was very aware that everything in the place was my husbands.

If you have difference standards of cleanliness talk about them before you start out, it'll just bug you otherwise.

Don't worry about reading a book! One of the 'rules' (which is flexible of course) we started was having one hour alone time everyday. Doesn't matter when that is (i like it when i get home from work...it's nice to just be me for a little bit) just enough of a little buffer of time when you can just be by yourself. It made a big differnce to my husband especially.

Silly things like when you like to get up in the morning are also important. If you have a different schedule from each other then something as simple as the early riser putting their next days clothes in another part of the house so you don't bug the person sleeping is very important.

Make sure you have meals together, and go to bed a little bit early so you can have a chat if you want to (and other things of course).

ummm...i'm sure i'll think of other things! Hope these help in the meantime. It's certainly nothing to be worried about, just something to bear in mind. It's very much a case of being flexible, because otherwise you will butt heads.

[Welshcookie 17]

I think 'me time' is always important....I don't work so I look forward to him coming home...cos y'know it's hard not speaking to a soul all day long but I have to know it is the opposite for him.....so he gets his 'me time' pretty much as soon as he walks thro the door and after he tells me loves me he has a room of his own with his PC and I have a laptop in front of the telly so we aren't fighting over computer time at all

Before we moved my 'me time' was going to see friends or my folks....that isn't possible now so VJ has become my 'me time'.....and yes, I am going over it right now cos we are waiting to watch a film.....

[tsunamihart 0]

[That's one thing I'm worried about. I still have to work 40 hours a week, and Ewen probably won't be able to work for a few months as we all know, so I'm worried I'll feel pretty rotten if I say that I want to go to the bar with a girlfriend or something. Not that I worry that he'd try to stop me--I'm sure he'll understand--but that I'll feel so guilty that I won't be able to have fun.

Plus I like to read and write and stuff--they've always helped me sort stuff out in my head--so I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him if I pick up a book for a little while after dinner or something. And I tell myself that surely he'll want to do his own thing sometimes, even when I am around, but I just want to be able to give him a nice home life so much...I just don't know what I should do.

That's one of the toughest things. Cristina was ALWAYS on the move in Spain b/w working and seeing friends and window shopping (a gold medalist if it was an Olympic sport). So I worried knowing that for at least "90" days which has turned into over 6 months that she wouldn't be able to work, how she'd react being "unemployed" and I worried that I would have to "fake it" about wanting to do something with her everyday after work. You know though, I've never had to fake it, I'm wild about doing things with her after my long day and I know the guys will "beat me up" on this but I don't care if it's shopping (real or window) or doing something like unpacking more boxes ("moved" in Nov. still unpacking) or cooking together or just sharing a movie together. It's awesome, you see I found my soulmate, mi alma gemela and I love talking with her until the wee hours of the morning and I love thinking up ways to surprise her and to help her transition here easier. We both need some alone time, she usually gets it during the day and I usually take some time in the evening, usually when she has something else to do. But...anyhooo just be yourselves and enjoy each other, discover each other, your interests & his, talk together, plan together, dream together. While you're waiting for the EAD, AP etc. improve his resume together, make a plan of attack for the kind of job(s) he's looking for, but remember, he's not your "ROOMMATE", he's your buddy, lover and dreamsharer, catch the ride, it's great...

[Cassie 8]

Plus I like to read and write and stuff--they've always helped me sort stuff out in my head--so I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him if I pick up a book for a little while after dinner or something. And I tell myself that surely he'll want to do his own thing sometimes, even when I am around, but I just want to be able to give him a nice home life so much...I just don't know what I should do.

That is where communication comes in. If Ewan knows ahead of time that reading/writing helps you mentally to de-stress or sort things out, I am sure he won't begrudge you the time, especially if it keeps his wife happy! And vice versa, of course!

As far as the evenings out -- we didn't have those up and running right away, they have sort of evolved over time. When we first were married, we spent almost all our available time together, which helped us to establish our relationship as a married couple. As things have settled down and more of a regular routine has been established, we may not spend every minute together or doing the same things, and that's ok. We just make sure to "check in" regularly with each other to ensure the neither one is feeling ignored (and immediately rectify things if there is a problem), and ensure to have lots of quality time together.

[radacos 0]

Everybody has been giving wonderful advice, so I don't have a whole lot to add.

As far as living with somebody for the first time, I would say don't freak out if it feels weird at first. It took me at least three sleepless nights to get used to sleeping in the same bed with somebody else (and not because we were getting in on! ). It also took us almost a year to get used to sharing a living space with everything that it entails -- somebody putting things in places that you would not normally put them, or folding your laundry in a different way, etc. But it does get easier as time goes by, I assure ya!

I'd also emphasize the importance of retaining some of your privacy and even not sharing quite everything. An hour or so of "me" time every day is essential, and so is going out with friends, separately, every now and then. But make sure you gauge how much time you are spending together! If you've been extremely busy during the week and then go out with friends during the weekend, your spouse might feel neglected. Also, I think it's important to retain some sort of financial independence -- sure, get a joint bank acct. for bills, etc., but retain separate checking accounts for personal purchases so that you do not need to justify certain expenses in front of your spouse. Equally, do respect your spouse's privacy: don't read their email, don't go through their purse/briefcase unless they specifically invite you to -- it's a matter of principle!

Last, make sure that you don't take your spouse for granted. Even if you are married, try to act as a courting couple: compliment your spouse, flirt with them, be very sensitive to their needs and desires.

[CanGal 1]

Wow, everyone does have great advice. All I would add is just continually keep communication open. Don't be afraid to talk about issues, this is your life partner and you should be able to share everything and anything with eachother if need be. My husband and I try to take at least 15 to 20 minutes a night and just listen to eachother on how our days were. No tv on and no answering the phone during this time. We also pray together before we go to sleep. At first it was weird for me because we never did it before and it was just weird to hear it out loud but i do believe there is power in words and being able to verbally hear them and God has truly blessed us for it and we are much more closer because of it. We just let God be the center of our relationship or at least try too. People to change but grow together as you change, not apart. The little stuff is what always adds up in the end, little notes here, a phone call here, etc. It won't always be perfect but marriage is a work in progress. Good luck

[Cristy 4]

I lived with my kids dad so the living together part is not new. For me the hard part is going to be learning to share again, and to give up control. I am sure it will be for him too. We have both been single parents for over 10 yrs so we have done it all alone. It is hard to allow someone to take part of the control, even something as simple as holding my remote! lol Add to that the blending families and co parenting....things could get interesting!

So even though I have done it before this is still a new experience for me. I am reading all of the advice and it all sounds sensible.

[aussiewench 9]

So much good advice and info already.

I believe the most important thing to remember in a marriage, is that marriage creates a third person. To strive to always ensure that the third person remains healthy and when troubles arise that the third person has the power to endure without becoming terminally ill. To have the power to compromise without blame or guilt.....to forgive....to learn.....to sacrifice.....to keep the lines of communication open......to accept change and growth. A good marriage creates a third entity and without it a marriage will flounder.

[CarolineM 0]

While I am married, my spouse isn't here yet. but I've lived with someone before. I think that while being married is part of it - it's cohabiting that takes the most adjustment?

[slim 1,530]

Just wanted to give a big to all the military spouses out there. Toughest "job" in the world!!!

Keep up the good work!

Can't wait to dive right in to this thread in about 2 months. Thanks for the advice all, I needed it too.

[KarenCee 3]

This is a good thread....a lot of good information here. Joel and I communicate very well, but I know the adjustment here will be something we'll both need to deal with. And given the fact that being married adds another element to the relationship, we'll need to communicate even more. Thanks for starting this thread Abby

[pax 0]

Thanks, everyone! Keep the replies coming. It's been enlightening.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

Dave and I lived together here in Brazil for about 2 years. It was a great time but just like AgentSmith said, a lot will change. It's your choice to make it a good change or not.

Talking is the best thing you can do really. Talk about everything and you'll learn a lot about it all.

When you first move in with the person you love it's so much fun.... and then the time goes by and you learn more about it all and it gets even better. You wake up and realize your best friend is right there! It becomes calmer....

And aussiewench mentioned a thrid person. That's the word I was looking for! That third person does exist and you need to respect it, take care of it.... make sure it's being well fed and all. Sacrifice is a big word you'll end up having to learn.

I wish you luck. And just remember that you'll probably change... so try to make it a good change!

Edited February 11, 2006 by MrMrsKnight

[Welshcookie 17]

While I am married, my spouse isn't here yet. but I've lived with someone before. I think that while being married is part of it - it's cohabiting that takes the most adjustment?

marriage has definately become a focus for us mainly because it is what we need to stay together....although saying that before I met him I vowed never to marry again....and yet I know I would still want us to be married even if we didn't have to. And I feel happy about that. my god, I WANT to be married...LOL.

Edited February 11, 2006 by welshcookie

[nayalamb 0]

nice thread you've started abby...

jigga and i have co-habbed before... but that was with the family. its never really been just us in our own place. so that will be a new experience.

i think the most important thing is to not expect too much too soon. i mean, there are going to be growing pains and petty arguments about the toilet seat, backseat driving, dealing with the in-laws, etc. but i think as long as you are realistic and are willing to communicate and compromise, the transition period should be relatively painless.

for ewen, the best thing you can do is get him active. go out with other couples so he can make friends (so when you go out with the girls, he can invite the guys over to watch football). get him a gym membership. that's another great place to meet people and spend time. if you have alot of household things that need to be done - snow shoveling, clearing the gutters, painting, tinkering with the car, moving furniture, fixing the plumbing - it will keep him busy and help relieve the feelings of being isolated and bored. also, you can get him into some adult ed. classes for something that interests him (carpentry, cooking, foreign languages, etc). he is probably used to a 8-10 hour day and the more hours he can fill with activities, the better.

and i totally agree with aussiewench. marriage is not the wedding. that's the one day. marriage is your entire life together. and it takes work and dedication to make it happy and healthy. just relax and take it one day at a time. i'm sure that you'll do just fine (hopefully we'll be fine too! )