So I've Never Been a Spouse Before

[pax 0]

For those of you here who are already married, would you mind sharing a bit about how your life changed after you got married? I have been realizing lately that I'll be a married woman in a few months and I really am not sure what to expect. I wanted to raise the question here, because everyone here is in an international relationship and might have some special insights as to what, if anything, makes our marriages different.

Is being a good spouse different from being a good unmarried partner? Do you find yourself changing your mind about anything because you are now married? How did you feel before and after?

I've never been married, so...yeah. I have no idea.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Wow, pax. I don't even know where to begin.

First, every couple is different. I have four close friends, all male, who have gotten married in the last one year. First marriages, all. Each of them reacts to it differently. Each of them perceives different changes they've had to make in themselves. The only constant is change. Yes, you will change. As long as you don't go in with the expectation that you are who you are and that's it, you'll be fine. You may be who you are, but you will become someone different. If you play your cards right, you'll learn from him and he'll learn from you and you'll both be better for it. If you allow resentment and resistance to change take over, you'll both be worse for it. It's your choice. I don't think I can be any more specific than that. Just prepare to change and keep a positive attitude.

Edited February 10, 2006 by Agent Smith

[pax 0]

Thanks, Ari. I should also mention that I've never co-habbed before, either--not on a male-female romantic basis, anyway. I did have a housemate for a while, but it was purely on a space-sharing basis, and he was gay to boot, so no romance there!

[Ameristralian 0]

My social life has been put on hold. I'm the USC, male, and before marriage life was a big ol' party. Now life is about spending it with my best friend, and she is not a big partyer anymore. SO, I guess what I'm saying is it's gonna take some time for the foreigner to adapt to the states and find their own friends, etc etc, and during this time the usc has to take good care of the spouse, which can translate to not going out with friends as much. That's one major change.

Other changes? I eat better, I have meals, I pray more (never prayed before a meal by myself). Why are these things all about food? I don't know. What else? Oh your questions...good spouse vs good partner, well it depends on if you lived together before marriage. I do everything possible now to make her life wonderful. You try and make the living arrangements nicer. Flowers have been bought. Furniture rearranged. As a partner before marriage, we didn't live together so all I could do was shower her with compliments. Now I get to shower with her. Oh my!

Edited February 10, 2006 by Ameristralian

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Thanks, Ari. I should also mention that I've never co-habbed before, either--not on a male-female romantic basis, anyway. I did have a housemate for a while, but it was purely on a space-sharing basis, and he was gay to boot, so no romance there!

Same here. I never lived with her till she moved here on her K1. Or with anyone else. Which is why, I think, you feel "change" even more...

Other changes? I eat better, I have meals...

Word.. the food has kicked ###.

[isleta521 5]

two things that will always help. Never go to bed mad. and if you are mad forget about it the next day and start over - life is too TOO short.

[Stefanie 1]

My husband and I weren't married before either. Ever since we got married, we started to act more like an "old" couple. Instead of going out with friends, we just sit at home watching movies or playing a game. Things like that seem much more fun now because we are not only husband and wife but we also developed a deep friendship. That's why it will become harder to find new friends. We realized that we connect more to other couples our age that are married because we can go on trips together and just have a good time talking about married life.

As for married-life tasks, I (the foreigner) am in charge of everything because my husband is in the military and has been gone for the past six months. I pay the bills, do all the financial stuff, clean, take care of insurance stuff, car repairs, get groceries.... basically everything and work and volunteer on top of that. I don't think that will change when he comes back because I am in such a routine now that all this is basically my job. Of course, when he comes home, we will share tasks like cleaning but I am basically in control of all the finances.

[Welshcookie 17]

well...officially I am not a 'spouse' but we have been living together as man and wife for a few years now...all I can add is it is a learning experience...I think AS summed it up very well.....keep an open mind and accept things are going to change....even you. I learned so much about my SO since living together....the biggest thing being I never knew what a sensitve, gentle man he is ( I knew him socially quite well before we had a relationship) and also that our politcal views are poles apart....now over times we have both 'softened' our views on some things but not on others and we have decided to agree to disagree on those and no point in arguing the toss anymore

But it's fun...enjoy!!

[pj1959us 0]

Good advice so far. I can only add that you will definitely need this for training purposes

[pax 0]

Keep it coming, everyone.

[Cassie 8]

Agent Smith -- spot on. Although I would say that there is change, but don't change so much that you cease to be you, if that makes sense.

For me, the hardest thing has been thinking "ours" as opposed to "his" or "mine". I had been on my own for so long, it was a different midset, but once I got over that hump, it's been much better.

Now that you'll actually be together and on the same continent ( ), the concept of being apart may seem crazy, but you will need it. I take Tuesday nights and meet with a group of women, and Jerry takes Thursday nights and hangs out with his best friend. It gives us some time and space apart, and an opportunity to vent/get advice if we need it. We also each have our own little part of the house that is "ours" that we set up the way we each like.

I have learned to compromise on the stuff that in the long run isn't worth the time and energy to fight for, and to respectfully stand up for the stuff that is important to me and to us. I am fortunate that I have a husband who listens to my opinions and takes them into account when making important decisions, and because I have that respect from him, it is easy to give the same respect back to him.

Great question, pax!

[MaryandMian 1]

Well to be honest I did not see huge changes after I married. I know you have to bend and will do so to make your spouse happy. When I say bend I do not mean be a doormat. But you will compromise on tv, foods, sharing space, etc. And compromise is something you find in your relationships with family, work and friends.

I think everyone takes to marriage differently it depends on personalities and how each party perceives what married life is to be like. I say be yourself and never go to bed without saying I LOVE YOU daily even when you are upset at each other. Best advice I had when I got married before.

The first two years are learning experience so just keep communication open and with both marriages I never lived with SO beforehand. Just remember marriage is work and I can honestly say I had very long and happy first marriage and praying that I am blessed again this time around.

[almaty 19]

Good advice so far. I can only add that you will definitely need this for training purposes

[pax 0]

Now that you'll actually be together and on the same continent ( ), the concept of being apart may seem crazy, but you will need it. I take Tuesday nights and meet with a group of women, and Jerry takes Thursday nights and hangs out with his best friend. It gives us some time and space apart, and an opportunity to vent/get advice if we need it. We also each have our own little part of the house that is "ours" that we set up the way we each like.

That's one thing I'm worried about. I still have to work 40 hours a week, and Ewen probably won't be able to work for a few months as we all know, so I'm worried I'll feel pretty rotten if I say that I want to go to the bar with a girlfriend or something. Not that I worry that he'd try to stop me--I'm sure he'll understand--but that I'll feel so guilty that I won't be able to have fun.

Plus I like to read and write and stuff--they've always helped me sort stuff out in my head--so I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him if I pick up a book for a little while after dinner or something. And I tell myself that surely he'll want to do his own thing sometimes, even when I am around, but I just want to be able to give him a nice home life so much...I just don't know what I should do.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I think the hardest thing about adjusting to living with someone is giving up a large portion of your "me time". You can still have it, but never as much as you'd like.