Husband's Change of Temper and Attitude Since Marriage

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

There are some people that suffer from mild mental illness that are uncomfortable being close to others on an emotional level. Do you get along OK while you are "at work" and not talking personal things ? If it is a mental problem you would probably be OK working for him and may have a tolerable sex life but he is cold emotionally. If this is the case and he refuses to seek treatment there is little that will change him.

[Hana_Lisa 5]

Yes, we get along at work.

My feeling and observation is he is too self-centered to be with anybody or make anybody his priority even once in a blue moon, except his patients. He is in the medical field. He is nothing like how he behaves at work in person with his family and me. He never truly consider other people's existence. He can walk into family dinner for being 2 hours late with no shame consistently and he would not stop talking even everybody on the table asks him to stop. He loves to have things his way without realizing it. He in turn accuses other people as stubborn to cut him off and not compromising.

He could be very cold emotionally but also could be demanding and needy. I also am exploring other freelance opportunities on the side so last Saturday I wanted to do some work on my own. He was not happy about it and confronted me, "what is so urgent?", "what is there to do?" and did not respect that I do want to embark on something on my own. I would think normal loving people would be supportive of each other. He could also suddenly be very passionate but the basis is everything has to be of his convenience first. He did not help me at all in my petitions. He said it is my job and it is my issue. I also paid for my own petitions. I thought it was both people's business.

As time goes by, I sometimes get impatient and frustrated myself and talk back. This is not a good direction but it is very hard to swallow everything in. Even if we finally have peaceful discussions, all the blame is on me. He would label me as an introvert (which I tend to be quieter), slow, stupid, cannot multitask, I am none of those things at least not before I moved here. I feel very beat up every day.

Now I am looking for the strength to walk out.

[Hana_Lisa 5]

Another quite "amusing" example is I want to send everybody gifts for X'mas and asked if he has this gift tradition. He responded nobody sends me any gifts, why should I send them. That was awkward to me. Everything has to be earned in this relationship. I am just a pet. If I am nice, I get a bone. If not, go die on the street. I truly feel this way.

[Dave 'n' Hai Au 0]

You sound like a strong, intelligent, and caring woman. You don't need or deserve the lack of respect you are getting. As a man, it makes me both sad and mad that a guy would treat a woman so poorly. There are some pretty smart people on this site that maybe could answer some of the legal questions, hopefully they will see your post and respond. Otherwise you may need to get a lawyer to show you your options. Hopefully you still have enough savings or can get help from family to head out on your own. You have the strength to do this. Please do not let a sense of failure or that you are quitting too soon stop you!! He has failed you, it is time to get back to enjoying life whether it is here or with your family and friends back home. This doesn't have to be anything more than a good learning experience for any future relationships.

God bless you, be safe, and if you can, let us know how you are doing. Take care!!

[SuperDuper! 230]

I hate to say it as well, but your husband's angry tone and attitude toward you sounds like those are his true colors, and not subject to significant change or improvement. Does he drink or drug? Good Luck in making the right decision.

[ProudWife 0]

With all do respect; There is two sides to every story. Why are you airing your dirty laundry of your marital problems to perfect strangers here and to the entire world? This isn't the Jerry Springer Show here. Your matter is very personal and I am sure your husabnd would really be upset to learn you have posted his and your personal business. You really need to read some books or gain some maturity, for you are handling this in the wrong direction and arena. If you need assistance for visajourney directly related matters and open forum light and airy and innocent matters, we join you there. But your matter is so completely personal. For you to even seek anyones advise here on your marital problems buts up warning, redflags and big concerns to your motive and rational. What exactly do you expect from perfect strangers here on VJ. What guidance do you want from a stranger here? Who are we to tell you or your husband how to handle marital issues? Good luck and keep it behind closed doors or with your immediate and trusting family by flesh and blood or marriage.

What a wonderful and supportive group this is! While I am very excited and grateful to have found this forum, I am sorry to have to share some unpleasant experiences with my husband since we got married Please feel free to let me know what you think.

I am here for six months now and I am awaiting my green card approval. I remain without a job as I do not want to break any laws and am living on my savings from my former job in my home country. I noticed my husband starts losing temper very easily. Something as small as I could not hear him well and asked him to repeat twice could trigger his short temper. We had a small argument on the street tonight. I said we can talk tomorrow and it is cold. It was 1:30 am. He stopped me on the street and demanded to finish the conversation before we went somewhere warm. I told him I was very cold and he said he does not care. He also said if I talked one more word, he would throw me out on the street and I will be going home. I at times feel that this is getting abusive. I would constantly watch what I say and sometimes had rather not to say a word so to avoid conflicts.

These are only two of the many incidents that happened in the past 6 months. There are plenty more. I am not sure what I should do now. I love him and want to understand what is going on. When I told him I am upset about this and I miss home, he said I need a therapist. He would not ask me why I am upset at all. He also picked on my English accent all the time and when I did not speak right, he lost patience and said how come I cannot speak a word correctly as I spent enough time here - 6 months!

What should I do?

Edited February 21, 2009 by Lisa Momeny

[ProudWife 0]

With all do respect; There is two sides to every story. Why are you airing your dirty laudry as this to perfect strangers and to the entire world? This isn't the Jerry Springer Show here. Your matter is very personal and I am sure your husabnd would really be upset to learn you have posted his and your personal business. You really need to read some books or gain some maturity, for you are handling this in the wrong direction and arena. If you need assistance for visajourney directly related matters and open forum light and airy and innocent matters, we join you there. But your matter is so completely personal. For you to even seek anyones advise here on your marital problems brings up warning lights, red flags and big concerns to your motive and rational. What exactly do you expect from perfect strangers here on VJ? What guidance do you want from a stranger here? Who are we to tell you or your husband how to handle marital issues? Good luck and keep it behind closed doors or with your immediate and trusting family by flesh and blood or marriage.

What a wonderful and supportive group this is! While I am very excited and grateful to have found this forum, I am sorry to have to share some unpleasant experiences with my husband since we got married Please feel free to let me know what you think.

I am here for six months now and I am awaiting my green card approval. I remain without a job as I do not want to break any laws and am living on my savings from my former job in my home country. I noticed my husband starts losing temper very easily. Something as small as I could not hear him well and asked him to repeat twice could trigger his short temper. We had a small argument on the street tonight. I said we can talk tomorrow and it is cold. It was 1:30 am. He stopped me on the street and demanded to finish the conversation before we went somewhere warm. I told him I was very cold and he said he does not care. He also said if I talked one more word, he would throw me out on the street and I will be going home. I at times feel that this is getting abusive. I would constantly watch what I say and sometimes had rather not to say a word so to avoid conflicts.

These are only two of the many incidents that happened in the past 6 months. There are plenty more. I am not sure what I should do now. I love him and want to understand what is going on. When I told him I am upset about this and I miss home, he said I need a therapist. He would not ask me why I am upset at all. He also picked on my English accent all the time and when I did not speak right, he lost patience and said how come I cannot speak a word correctly as I spent enough time here - 6 months!

What should I do?

[DanielParul 50]

With all do respect; There is two sides to every story. Why are you airing your dirty laudry as this to perfect strangers and to the entire world? This isn't the Jerry Springer Show here. Your matter is very personal and I am sure your husabnd would really be upset to learn you have posted his and your personal business. You really need to read some books or gain some maturity, for you are handling this in the wrong direction and arena. If you need assistance for visajourney directly related matters and open forum light and airy and innocent matters, we join you there. But your matter is so completely personal. For you to even seek anyones advise here on your marital problems brings up warning lights, red flags and big concerns to your motive and rational. What exactly do you expect from perfect strangers here on VJ? What guidance do you want from a stranger here? Who are we to tell you or your husband how to handle marital issues? Good luck and keep it behind closed doors or with your immediate and trusting family by flesh and blood or marriage.

She came on VJ for support and guidance. Not to get your opinion. If you have any support or suggestion for her offer it otherwise stay out of this thread. For you to judge somebody so harshly brings up some of your character traits too.

[HannahP 119]

With all do respect; There is two sides to every story. Why are you airing your dirty laundry of your marital problems to perfect strangers here and to the entire world? This isn't the Jerry Springer Show here. Your matter is very personal and I am sure your husabnd would really be upset to learn you have posted his and your personal business.

How is she airing her dirty laundry to the world? There's a certain anonymity with posting on the internet. You may know her problems but you don't know her. Sometimes it's easier to discuss your problems to complete strangers rather than face-to-face with people that you know & may keep up a relationship with, have a history with.

[Hana_Lisa 5]

I cannot say thank you enough to all of you.

Yes, I wanted some emotional support here which books or online literature cannot offer. I do not have good friends here that I feel comfortable to talk about personal matters like this and I do not want to speak to my own family. They would get even worrier. I love them and I miss them lots and this is the last thing I want my parents to know. As I mentioned, I will be contacting Safe Horizon, a non-profit organization that helps women who are/ suspect they are abused. I am of Chinese background and it is not always easy to seek help from family "shelter" or just speak openly to someone face to face. It was after much thought and it takes courage. I was even hesitant of posting here but I truly needed some support.

Aside from emotional support, I also wanted to know what my options are if I give up my AOS petition and whether that would affect my opportunities to work here in the future. I see there may be chances my former company in Hong Kong would re-hire me. This is visajourney.com related.

I hope this is clear.

[Old Dominion 26]

Way to go, Hana...stand tall and strong. There are immigration specialists with the Catholic Church, who provide good advice on your visa question without regard to your religion.

This isn't the Jerry Springer Show here

lol...you haven't read some of the posts, complete with videos of their wives in humiliating situations.

Edited February 22, 2009 by Old Dominion

[Hana_Lisa 5]

I believe until anyone experiences the emotional stress and lack of respect from someone they really love and care for, especially if and when they gave up very important things to be in a new country, they would realize how tough and upsetting the situation is.

Old Dominion. Thank you, I will explore the Catholic Church option when necessary.

[thomas / Jin 1]

What a wonderful and supportive group this is! While I am very excited and grateful to have found this forum, I am sorry to have to share some unpleasant experiences with my husband since we got married Please feel free to let me know what you think.

I am here for six months now and I am awaiting my green card approval. I remain without a job as I do not want to break any laws and am living on my savings from my former job in my home country. I noticed my husband starts losing temper very easily. Something as small as I could not hear him well and asked him to repeat twice could trigger his short temper. We had a small argument on the street tonight. I said we can talk tomorrow and it is cold. It was 1:30 am. He stopped me on the street and demanded to finish the conversation before we went somewhere warm. I told him I was very cold and he said he does not care. He also said if I talked one more word, he would throw me out on the street and I will be going home. I at times feel that this is getting abusive. I would constantly watch what I say and sometimes had rather not to say a word so to avoid conflicts.

These are only two of the many incidents that happened in the past 6 months. There are plenty more. I am not sure what I should do now. I love him and want to understand what is going on. When I told him I am upset about this and I miss home, he said I need a therapist. He would not ask me why I am upset at all. He also picked on my English accent all the time and when I did not speak right, he lost patience and said how come I cannot speak a word correctly as I spent enough time here - 6 months!

What should I do?

there is something going on with him that you are not seeing , I feel he is not in Love with you , but is using you . But this is hard for me to understand because of everything we all go threw to get the Visa's . As far as you learning the english and the way you may say some of the words , that is not something you can do in 6 months time . If he thinks it is so easy for you to learn english then he should be able to talk to you in Chinese .

You should both be spending some time apart doing other things , But you should also be spending time together having fun doing things you both like or doing things new to see if you do like it . Love is special and should not hurt , when he says he will put you out in the street he is saying he has fallen out of love and he feels he could do more without you..

Try not to talk about missing home , he may feel that the home you have now does not make you happy . I hope you have contacts with family and friends back in Hong Kong like phone calls or chatting online . I found that a good phone service is italkbb , the cost is 25 dollars each month with unlimited calls , and they give a local number for you family and friend to call you so they do not have to pay for long distance calls plus you can forward the call to go to your cell phone when you are not home .

I know you must love him very much and I hope he opens his eyes and sees what he has . BUT please if he gets to the point of acting like he is going to hit you or hurt you in any way you should leave him , no one needs to be treated with violence . I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry to hear that you are having problems . Tom and Jin

[Hana_Lisa 5]

I forgot to say best of luck to everybody in their journey and I hope no one would ever have to go through what I do.

[Ban Hammer 13,429]

lol...you haven't read some of the posts, complete with videos of their wives in humiliating situations.

let's not get that one restarted please.