Husband's Change of Temper and Attitude Since Marriage

[Hana_Lisa 5]

What a wonderful and supportive group this is! While I am very excited and grateful to have found this forum, I am sorry to have to share some unpleasant experiences with my husband since we got married Please feel free to let me know what you think.

I am here for six months now and I am awaiting my green card approval. I remain without a job as I do not want to break any laws and am living on my savings from my former job in my home country. I noticed my husband starts losing temper very easily. Something as small as I could not hear him well and asked him to repeat twice could trigger his short temper. We had a small argument on the street tonight. I said we can talk tomorrow and it is cold. It was 1:30 am. He stopped me on the street and demanded to finish the conversation before we went somewhere warm. I told him I was very cold and he said he does not care. He also said if I talked one more word, he would throw me out on the street and I will be going home. I at times feel that this is getting abusive. I would constantly watch what I say and sometimes had rather not to say a word so to avoid conflicts.

These are only two of the many incidents that happened in the past 6 months. There are plenty more. I am not sure what I should do now. I love him and want to understand what is going on. When I told him I am upset about this and I miss home, he said I need a therapist. He would not ask me why I am upset at all. He also picked on my English accent all the time and when I did not speak right, he lost patience and said how come I cannot speak a word correctly as I spent enough time here - 6 months!

What should I do?

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Unfortunately, when we engage in a long distance relationship we never really know how our spouse really behaves in every day situations.

Your Husband seems like he is acting out of insecurity. He is not secure in who he is so he puts you down. This is nothing you can change if he does not acknowledge his own self doubt.

You can give him all the confidence and reassurance, but it will never be enough for him to validate himself. He sounds controlling. If he controls you, it gives him validation. If you step outside of that control he looses control.

I recomend you seek counciling as a couple if you want to save the relationship. Just in yoru short post he does not seem like someone who will volunteer to go though.

I wish you well and piece. Remember it is not what youare doing that makes him react this way. It is how he feels inside.

[GiGii 4]

I second the idea for going to couple counseling. If you dont do anything about this, he will get worse and think its ok to treat you this way.

Personally, if he raised his voice at me, I'd tell him I will not accept it. I am a human being that deserves respect, don't treat me like a dog. If he continues, walk away from the situation. If you have a fight that late, I'd tell you to have a close friend at whom's you can spend the night. He'll realize his wrong when he sees your hurt reaction.

Seems you are a nice girl, dont let your patience & quietness be his advantage. Speak up.

Words such as 'I'll throw you out, you'll be going back home" are unexcusable, especially when you gave up your home, your family changed your whole life to be with this person.

In addition to the couple counseling, he should do some anger management... but maybe the couple's therapist can see & recommend this to him.

Do you know how he treated his mother, sisters? Usually, this is a good inclination to how he will treat other woman close to him.

[Old Dominion 26]

Adjustment is a hard process. Have you asked if there is anything bothering him at work or elsewhere? Is there a drinking or addiction problem?

[Old Dominion 26]

Adjustment is a hard process. Have you asked if there is anything bothering him at work or elsewhere? Is there a drinking or addiction problem?

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

You had both been alone before you moved here or actually living your old lives. You have landed in the middle of his and lost yours. Because you don't have a lot of friends yet you may seem clingy or needy to him. And he may miss the things he did before you came. Take up something that doesn't need him to be there . Reading , a craft, even a walk. Give yourself some destress and detox space. ( Him too ) When he throws hurtful words about sending packing ask him if he really means that. But do so carefully so it isn't a bigger fight. Hopefully he is speaking without engaging his breain and maybe hearing his words back will let him rethink them.

[Nagishkaw 510]

0ne small bit of advice. Always pray for protection. If he is verbally abusive now, it could easily turn into physical violence later , especially with his controlling attitude.

[Brad and Vika 129]

You sound quite patient to me, but from a male perspective let me say that there is no excuse for threatening a woman that way IMO.

[Hana_Lisa 5]

Dear Mrs Jibowu, Gigii, Old Dominion, Sylvia n Joseph, Nigishkaw, Brad and Vika ,

Thank you all for your kind support. I suggested couple therapies but he refused to go. I am helping him with his business and we are blessed that business is going very healthy. I though sometimes feel he is using me. He would talk about work, usually tell me what to do for him at work from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed. When I say let's talk about it when we get to work when I cannot take it anymore, he says I am stubborn and I have to let him talk (our fight at 1:30 am last night on the street evolved around this similar issue).

Since someone mentioned he may feel I am needy, he basically has no responsibilities, except letting me to stay at his place which I contribute financially for it. We spend most of our times apart now. I love going to museums, a day in the park and just go outside to explore. I usually invite him but never force him to go with me (but don't you think he could at least show me around?) so I just do what pleases me on my own now.

No drinking or drug addiction.

He talks down to his parents or gets into fights nearly every other time we have lunch or dinner together. He is extremely impatient. He laughs at his parents' English accent when they make an effort to speak to me in English (they are from Russia). Older people usually speak slower and he would rush his parents to finish in three sentences (he does this to me too). I feel very sorry for his parents.

He does not see how it is to give up my family, friends and work. He said I have a better life here, which I honestly do not, both financially and emotionally. Then he would make some unreasonable arguments like Hong Kong, where I am from will be come communist also and they will arrest people and I would mostly be fired by my company because economy is not good (again, not true!).

Sorry for all these negative news I am located in New York. I found an organization called Safe Horizon. I will give it a try though I am not sure if they only serve women who are physically abused only (but not verbally). I will take care of myself and do what makes me feel better.

Thank you all for helping me to remain strong.

Hana

[Nagishkaw 510]

Im glad you are joining this women's group. Your safety is number one priority.They probably document your sessions there so you have some kind of proof should you need it down the road. Abuse is abuse whether physical or verbal. It is seldom that the abuser will admit to what he is doing and seek help. Don't worry about him, focus on yourself and self preservation. Sounds like you are going in the right direction!

Another thing is, he doesn't care what you gave up. His goal is to demean and isolate you from your friends and family so he has the upper hand. Classic control freak.

Edited February 21, 2009 by Nagishkaw

[Hana_Lisa 5]

I hope our issues would be and could be resolved soon but it is good to plan for the worst.

Would I be barred from traveling to the US in the future either of work or pleasure if I give up in my AOS now? I have a 10-year tourist visa that is valid until 2012. My former employer offered me a position in the New York branch before (but my husband said he would not wait for me until I get that job, which was about 6 months) so I gave up the work opportunity. If I go back home and they offer me the job again, would I have any problem getting a work visa?

[Cdnwmn 0]

Sorry if i'm blunt but I would be on the first plane back to my home country. This case sounds vey much like what went on in my first marriage. I felt like I was walking around on eggshells anytime I was near my husband. We went for counselling; he said the Counsellor was taking sides with me and refused to go back or to even see another Counsellor. I walked and it was such a great relief the day I walked out.

To this day 21 years later, he still has the anger issues and going to anger management hasn't helped him.

Good luck to you.

[Old Dominion 26]

Dear Mrs Jibowu, Gigii, Old Dominion, Sylvia n Joseph, Nigishkaw, Brad and Vika ,

Thank you all for your kind support. I suggested couple therapies but he refused to go. I am helping him with his business and we are blessed that business is going very healthy. I though sometimes feel he is using me. He would talk about work, usually tell me what to do for him at work from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed. When I say let's talk about it when we get to work when I cannot take it anymore, he says I am stubborn and I have to let him talk (our fight at 1:30 am last night on the street evolved around this similar issue).

Since someone mentioned he may feel I am needy, he basically has no responsibilities, except letting me to stay at his place which I contribute financially for it. We spend most of our times apart now. I love going to museums, a day in the park and just go outside to explore. I usually invite him but never force him to go with me (but don't you think he could at least show me around?) so I just do what pleases me on my own now.

No drinking or drug addiction.

He talks down to his parents or gets into fights nearly every other time we have lunch or dinner together. He is extremely impatient. He laughs at his parents' English accent when they make an effort to speak to me in English (they are from Russia). Older people usually speak slower and he would rush his parents to finish in three sentences (he does this to me too). I feel very sorry for his parents.

He does not see how it is to give up my family, friends and work. He said I have a better life here, which I honestly do not, both financially and emotionally. Then he would make some unreasonable arguments like Hong Kong, where I am from will be come communist also and they will arrest people and I would mostly be fired by my company because economy is not good (again, not true!).

Sorry for all these negative news I am located in New York. I found an organization called Safe Horizon. I will give it a try though I am not sure if they only serve women who are physically abused only (but not verbally). I will take care of myself and do what makes me feel better.

Thank you all for helping me to remain strong.

Hana

Good for you! Stay as strong as you already are. Does your husband treat ANYONE in a civil way? I have known people like him and they usually have some kind of borderline personality disorder that is elusive and incapable of being treated. Make some other arrangement for your life and begin carrying out your plan, and don't look back. Stay strong. You seem very intelligent and aware of the world around you. You don't need him.

Edited February 21, 2009 by Old Dominion

[clairehair 0]

I feel so bad for you. I am not sure if anyone except those of us who have done it know what it feels like not only to be away from your home country permanently but facing a new relationship. I am sure many people who use this forum are embarking on marriages with people they don't know very well. Many met on the internet or have spent very little time together. I found myself in a new marriage in a new country also and it was really tough and that was after a year living together in England and it was still tough, we had met on the internet and married quickly we barely knew each other when we started living together. We made it and we have been married for 7 years but it was not always easy and I wondered at the beginning if we were going to make it. Now of course we wouldn't be without each other but it was a love that had to grow from infatuation to the sort of love that is solid and based on time spent together.

Sadly, many of the couples you see struggling on this forum to be together on here probably won't make it or will find the reality of marrying someone they hardly know much harder than they anticipated and the fact the person they bring over will be homesick and lost for a long time certainly doesn't help. America is a good place to live but its just a place and if immigrating has taught me anything life is about people not places. I missed my family and friends so much I regretted my decision over and over as a result. Now I am out the otherside but it took a good two years of hard committment and misery and now I am lucky enough to beable to my parents here to complete me. Praise God for that opportunity.

What has happened to you is probably the worst nightmare of all those who embark on this kind of adventure. They turn out to be someone you can't live with. These sort of relationships are a big gamble and I wonder as I flick through all these profiles and stories and see them trying to bring over their new wives and husbands , what their stories will be in 10 years. Cynical I know but statistically true and sadly realistic.

My husband was always good to me and tried very hard to make me happy and we still struggled to make it work, without his support I would have gone home long ago, so in your situation where you are already sad and homesick , having a husband who treats you so badly is making your situation intolerable. Counselling wouldn't help if he simply a controlling Ar**sehole, who it seems not only to not love you but doesn't even seem to like you very much. We all have problems in our relationships if we are honest but you have to actually like each to get over them.

I hate to be the voice of doom but I would say its time to get on a plane , go back home and be with those who love you in a safe and familar environment. Its simply not worth it.

I wish you heartfelt happiness.

What a wonderful and supportive group this is! While I am very excited and grateful to have found this forum, I am sorry to have to share some unpleasant experiences with my husband since we got married Please feel free to let me know what you think.

I am here for six months now and I am awaiting my green card approval. I remain without a job as I do not want to break any laws and am living on my savings from my former job in my home country. I noticed my husband starts losing temper very easily. Something as small as I could not hear him well and asked him to repeat twice could trigger his short temper. We had a small argument on the street tonight. I said we can talk tomorrow and it is cold. It was 1:30 am. He stopped me on the street and demanded to finish the conversation before we went somewhere warm. I told him I was very cold and he said he does not care. He also said if I talked one more word, he would throw me out on the street and I will be going home. I at times feel that this is getting abusive. I would constantly watch what I say and sometimes had rather not to say a word so to avoid conflicts.

These are only two of the many incidents that happened in the past 6 months. There are plenty more. I am not sure what I should do now. I love him and want to understand what is going on. When I told him I am upset about this and I miss home, he said I need a therapist. He would not ask me why I am upset at all. He also picked on my English accent all the time and when I did not speak right, he lost patience and said how come I cannot speak a word correctly as I spent enough time here - 6 months!

What should I do?

[Dakine 26]

Dear Mrs Jibowu, Gigii, Old Dominion, Sylvia n Joseph, Nigishkaw, Brad and Vika ,

Thank you all for your kind support. I suggested couple therapies but he refused to go. I am helping him with his business and we are blessed that business is going very healthy. I though sometimes feel he is using me. He would talk about work, usually tell me what to do for him at work from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed. When I say let's talk about it when we get to work when I cannot take it anymore, he says I am stubborn and I have to let him talk (our fight at 1:30 am last night on the street evolved around this similar issue).

Since someone mentioned he may feel I am needy, he basically has no responsibilities, except letting me to stay at his place which I contribute financially for it. We spend most of our times apart now. I love going to museums, a day in the park and just go outside to explore. I usually invite him but never force him to go with me (but don't you think he could at least show me around?) so I just do what pleases me on my own now.

No drinking or drug addiction.

He talks down to his parents or gets into fights nearly every other time we have lunch or dinner together. He is extremely impatient. He laughs at his parents' English accent when they make an effort to speak to me in English (they are from Russia). Older people usually speak slower and he would rush his parents to finish in three sentences (he does this to me too). I feel very sorry for his parents.

He does not see how it is to give up my family, friends and work. He said I have a better life here, which I honestly do not, both financially and emotionally. Then he would make some unreasonable arguments like Hong Kong, where I am from will be come communist also and they will arrest people and I would mostly be fired by my company because economy is not good (again, not true!).

Sorry for all these negative news I am located in New York. I found an organization called Safe Horizon. I will give it a try though I am not sure if they only serve women who are physically abused only (but not verbally). I will take care of myself and do what makes me feel better.

Thank you all for helping me to remain strong.

Hana

As soon as you can get a separate job. Being together to much can get on each others nerves.