Jokes, again!!

[munchkins 0]

This is a long one, some of them have been taken from shows that are on int he UK, I am sure that there is nothing on here that could possibly offend

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Anne Robinson: Wh...?

Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling

entertainers or chocolate salesmen?

Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were

written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?

Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state

funeral?

Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear

that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True

or false?

Contestant: True?

Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an

American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel

last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er...

Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop

said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts

his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was

rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry

passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the

counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST

CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,

but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers

behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice

heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is".

"If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared

at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll

have to get in line for that, too."

Thought it might brighten someones day a little

[almaty 19]

just wrong

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Miranda&James 8]

Is it bad that I don't get the first few ones?

The rest are funny though

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told one of their photographers to get

over

there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well.

Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The near-deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!",

said the other one.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little,"

said the photographer.

Yet again, "Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told one of their photographers to get

over

there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well.

Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The near-deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!",

said the other one.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little,"

said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out,

"OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"

Edited March 10, 2006 by Dixie_Peach